Chapter 10 #2
I looked Mom in the eyes. There was no way I could lie to her. Not about anything—she was my mom—but especially not about this. She’d see right through me.
I did want to see Felix. I’d wanted to see Felix since I’d woken up alone this morning.
“Fine,” I said. “Umm. Thank you,” I added, saluting her with the box.
Mom waved me off. “What are mothers for? Now go.”
Felix was dancing with his eyes closed again when I stepped into the studio. I’d bribed Amelia with coffee and one of the blondies she’d been raving about to anyone who’d listen since Iggy put them on the coffee shop’s menu to let me go without announcing myself first, and I was glad now I had.
The way Felix moved was breathtaking. I’d watched a lot of ballet with Benji by now, I knew what it was supposed to look like, but I’d never seen a real professional dancing in person—not like this, anyway.
He had so much control over the way he moved. I wasn’t an expert, but I could see the skill in it, the work he must have put in. Benji’s dedication impressed me, but Felix’s left me in awe.
Which was why watching him stumble came as a surprise. I took a step toward him, instinctively wanting to catch him before he fell even though I was too far away.
Felix saved himself, hand pressed flat to the mirror, shoulders heaving as he panted for breath.
Before I could process how I felt about seeing that, his eyes met mine in the mirror. I smiled sheepishly, holding up the box Mom had given me and the two coffees I’d gotten from Iggy.
Felix turned, leaning back against the barre, still catching his breath. He must’ve been at it a while, since there were one or two stray strands of hair plastered to his forehead and his cheeks were flushed with exertion.
He really was beautiful. That was my first thought every time I saw him.
“Cooper,” he said, still breathless, cheeks flushed. “What are you doing here?”
I hesitated, suddenly wondering if I was intruding. If maybe he didn’t want to see me. If maybe last night felt like a mistake in the cold light of day, if maybe he didn’t want to acknowledge…
“Umm,” I said, looking between him and the coffee and pastries in my hands. “Mom baked. She told me I had to share with you.”
What if he didn’t want me here? What if he didn’t want me anymore at all?
The surprised smile he broke into eased the worst of my fears. “Your mom baked… for me?”
I shrugged. “She likes you. Enough to go to a lot of trouble to make sure I’d come see you today.”
Felix chuckled, pushing away from the barre and crossing to me.
I tried not to notice the way he favored one leg, but I couldn’t help hurting for him.
It was impossible for me to imagine what it’d feel like to have something you’d dedicated your entire life to taken away. I hadn’t dedicated my life to anything.
It wasn’t fair. But then I already knew that fairness was not one of the guiding principles of the universe.
“So you wouldn’t have come to see me on your own?” Felix asked, sitting down on the bench opposite the mirrors.
Heat rose to the tips of my ears again. “I didn’t say that.”
Felix raised an eyebrow.
“I wanted to see you,” I confessed to the floor, shuffling over to sit down next to him, setting pastries and coffee between us.
“Good,” Felix said, picking up his coffee. “I thought I’d have to wait until Benji’s next class on Monday.”
“You don’t mind not waiting?”
“Coop,” Felix said. “We had some of the best sex of my life last night and you’re bringing me coffee and baked goods the morning after. Does that sound like something most people would mind?”
“It’s almost four in the afternoon,” I pointed out, but I couldn’t help the smile tugging at my lips. Best sex of his life?
I couldn’t say I felt differently. I got the feeling Felix’s ex had kind of all-round sucked in ways mine hadn’t—I didn’t even really blame Aaron for not wanting the responsibility of a kid he didn’t know all of a sudden—but there was something about Felix.
I’d been drawn to him since we met. I’d barely even registered the coffee spill over the way his eyes had practically glowed in the sunlight.
Mom always said she’d known the minute she saw Dad across a crowded bar at a New Year’s Eve party that he’d been the one for her. So much so that she’d upended her entire life to move to Otter Bay just two weeks after they met. Even when they were fighting, she never even hinted at regretting that.
That was a ridiculous line of thought, but…
“Were you working on the choreography for the competition just now?” I asked, deciding to worry about the here and now instead of whatever else was going on.
Felix sighed, resting his head against the wall and looking up at the ceiling. I did the same, noticing for the first time the faint outlines of glow-in-the-dark stars stuck all over it. Huh. As far as I knew, no one was ever in the studio after dark. But then it hadn’t always been a dance studio.
“I was,” he said. “How’d it look?”
“Beautiful,” I admitted. “You looked incredible.”
Felix rolled his head to the side, eyebrow raised. “I couldn’t land a single footfall on my right side properly.”
I shrugged. “Didn’t notice. I’m not, y’know, an Olympic judge or anything.”
“I don’t think they have ballet events at the Olympics,” Felix said, the corner of his lips twitching. I loved those little half-smiles of his, the way they made his eyes glint like he wanted to laugh.
He didn’t laugh all that much, but I liked it when he did.
“Well, maybe they should,” I said, taking up my own coffee. “Ballet is a real sport. I mean, if gymnastics is, ballet’s… I dunno. Probably harder.”
“I don’t hear that from men a lot,” Felix said.
“Figures. I didn’t realize until I really started paying attention. Or… this is embarrassing…”
Felix’s eyes lit up. “Tell me,” he said. “I promise not to laugh.”
“It’s fine if you do.” I liked it when he laughed, and I didn’t mind him doing it at my expense. Especially since what I was about to tell him was ridiculous.
“I tried out some of the moves Benji was learning,” I confessed.
“Half I couldn’t do at all, the other half I nearly killed myself trying.
You know how they say some people have two left feet?
I’ve got four. I guess until I tried it I was fooled by how easy you guys all make it look. It’s not easy.”
Felix nodded slowly. “It’s not,” he said, taking a sip of his coffee and then wrinkling his nose. “This is yours.”
“Nope,” I said, holding mine up to show him where Iggy had scrawled CP. He’d written Felix out in full, but I took it as a kind of honor that he was familiar enough with me now that my cup didn’t get a full name.
“But this is a latte?”
“An almond milk latte,” I said. “Mine has milk from a real animal in it.”
For a second, I worried I’d gotten this wrong. Felix had called almond milk lattes a decadence he maybe hadn’t been… allowed by his ex? From my perspective that was both wrong and insane. I’d wanted him to have what he really wanted for once.
Had I fucked this up?
“You remembered,” Felix said, voice barely above a whisper. “You were listening.”
The tips of my ears were on fire again, but I nodded. “Of course.”
“Of course,” Felix repeated, gaze roving over my face as his mouth curved into a smile I got the feeling wasn’t entirely intentional. “Of course.”
He kept his eyes on me as he sipped his latte again. My heart pounded in my ears, but for once in longer than I wanted to think about, it wasn’t from fear. I wasn’t scared at all right now.
“Milk from a real animal, huh?” Felix asked after he’d swallowed his sip of coffee, licking the inside of his mouth. He really did think of the almond milk as an indulgence.
The pies were going to blow his mind.
“Well, Iggy offered goat’s milk for a while there.”
Felix’s brows rose. “What was that like?”
“Disgusting.” I wrinkled my nose at the memory. “But everyone in town had to try it once to see how disgusting. If it’d been a marketing ploy, it would’ve been really clever. I don’t think it was, though. I think he was just experimenting.”
Felix pursed his lips but his eyes were glinting again. “He sounds fun.”
“He is, I think. I’m still getting to know people. Honestly, I’m glad you came to town. Means I’m not the new guy anymore.”
Felix huffed, turning back to looking up at the ceiling. “I haven’t been the new guy in a really long time, but so far it’s been pretty good. Dinner invitations, coffee…”
“Some of the best sex of your life?” I asked, another rush of heat rising up the back of my neck.
The corners of Felix’s eyes crinkled as he smiled up at the ceiling. “You did hear that, then.”
“I heard it. I… last night…”
What could I even say about it? I’d spent all day worrying I’d done the wrong thing, but in the last half hour all three of the most important people in my life had told me they still loved me, in their own ways.
Two of them had told me to do it again. Benji would’ve joined in if he was old enough to understand what was going on. He adored Felix.
If I’d told him I’d been hanging out with him, he would’ve asked to join in. The thought made me snort.
Felix turned a questioning look on me.
“Sorry, just imagining telling Benji I was having a sleepover with you,” I said. “He’d be mad he wasn’t invited.”
“He’s adorable. You’re doing great with him, seriously.”
“It’s mostly not me,” I said. If Benji was a good kid, that was ninety-nine percent Laura’s doing.
“It’s you now. That’s what matters.”
Was it?
Maybe. I hoped, at least, that it mattered that I was trying. All I wanted was for Benji to be okay, to feel like he had all the support in the world. To feel loved.
“Well, he likes you a lot.”
“Feeling’s mutual,” Felix said. “What’s in the box?”
“Brace yourself,” I responded, reaching out to open up the lid.
Felix’s mouth fell into a perfect O as I opened the box to reveal the pastries inside.
“Mom’s key lime pies are famous around here,” I said. “You haven’t lived until you’ve tried one.”
Felix’s gaze flicked from the pies to my face. There was something complicated playing out behind his eyes, and I had an idea what the shape of it was.
I was beginning to think I wouldn’t like his ex. In fact, I was beginning to think I’d square up with him on Felix’s behalf.
The wounded sound Felix made, the way his eyes crumpled with uncertainty, convinced me that it was better for everyone involved if his ex and I never crossed paths.
“If you’re gonna say something like I don’t know if I should, save it,” I said. “You should. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. There are people who would do terrible things for these. I once watched one of the PTA moms draw blood over them at a meeting when I was in high school.”
Felix looked at me. The look in his eyes changed to something softer—it reminded me of when Benji did something he thought he’d get in trouble for, before I’d told him it was fine, I wasn’t mad at him.
“Or I’ll eat them both,” I said, taking the one I felt had slightly less white chocolate on it. Felix could use all the pleasure he could get.
I wanted to be a source of pleasure for him. The thought came to me fully formed as I watched him reach out with much more elegant fingers than mine to pick the pie up.
I grinned at him when he glanced at me. His lips twitched in response, which was good enough. Baby steps.
“You must think I’m ridiculous,” he said, holding the pie up to look at it.
“I think you might’ve spent a lot of time around some ridiculous people,” I corrected. “Not to suggest I’m not ridiculous, I definitely am. Just not in the same way.”
“My asshole ex isn’t here to stop me,” Felix said softly. It sounded like a quote.
“No, he’s not.”
I bit into my pie to set a good example, making an involuntary little happy sound as the brightness of the lime and the richness of the pastry and chocolate filled my mouth. Mom must have really liked Felix.
That made two of us. Four, since Benji definitely did and I was pretty sure the same went for my dad.
Felix breathed a sigh, as though he was about to jump out of a plane, and then bit into his own.
His eyes widened as though he’d just had the shock of a lifetime.
I watched him pull the tentative bite into his mouth on the tip of his tongue, eyes fluttering closed as he chewed slowly and delicately. Savoring it.
“I wanna take you somewhere,” I said as the idea occurred to me.
Felix’s eyes snapped open.
“On a date, I mean,” I clarified, looking down at my coffee. If he was going to say no, I couldn’t look him in the eyes while he did it. “I was thinking Friday? Around eight?”
It’d been so long since I’d asked anyone on a date that I wasn’t sure I was doing it right.
“Really?”
Felix’s tone made me look up. He wasn’t disgusted, or reluctant. He was surprised.
“Really,” I said. “My palms don’t sweat like this when I’m kidding.”
Felix’s lips cured up into a tiny smile. Shy.
I hadn’t seen him shy before now. Not that I wanted him to be, but it was a good look on him.
“Okay,” he said. “Were you planning to tell me where?”
“Nope.”
If I told him, I was afraid he wouldn’t go with me. He could always walk away when we got there, if he really hated it, but I thought he probably just needed a nudge.
Felix had spent his whole life dedicated to something that he’d lost. I wanted him to see that it didn’t all have to be loss. That when you lost something, more often than not, you gained something, too.
I’d lost my sister, but I’d gained Benji. I’d lost my boyfriend, but I’d gotten my hometown and my parents back.
“I’ll pick you up,” I added. “But we’re not going far.”
Felix had lost his career. But I thought maybe, for him, that meant gaining freedom he hadn’t had in a while. Probably he couldn’t see that, yet. It’d taken me a while to see what I’d gained. If I could help him, I wanted to.
He gave me a skeptical look, but nodded as he sipped his coffee, the hint of a smile still playing around his lips. “All right, keep your secrets. I’ll trust you.”
I grinned as a little wave of warmth washed around my stomach at the thought of that. It was good to be trusted.
I really hoped it wouldn’t be misplaced.
“Friday, then.”
“Friday, then,” Felix repeated. “Eight o’clock.”
“Eight o’clock,” I confirmed, taking another bite of my pie. I needed it.
“I’ll be waiting.”