Chapter 14
COOPER
In the warm glow of the bedside lamp, Felix looked like an angel.
He was still curled up against me, limbs loose and relaxed in sleep, the hint of a smile curving his lips.
I brushed a stray strand of hair flopping over his forehead back with the gentlest touch I was capable of, not wanting to wake him just yet. I’d have to, in a minute—I didn’t want to slip away without saying good night—but I didn’t want this moment to be over.
I was falling for him.
The thought made my stomach bottom out, the excitement of it tangled up with panic. The last time I’d been in love it’d shattered in the space of three syllables. Him or me.
Felix loved Benji—and the feeling was mutual—but…
“Hmm?” Felix hummed, nose twitching as he woke.
I couldn’t regret not being able to watch him sleep when I saw the way his eyelashes fluttered.
In the deep shadows of his bedroom, the stunning ice blue of his eyes was lost to the contrast, but that meant I could see the way they softened and warmed when he looked at me.
“Hi,” I said.
“Hi,” Felix replied, his voice sleep-rough, eyelids heavy. I brushed another escaped strand of hair back, letting my touch linger this time. “Didn’t mean to fall asleep.”
“Wore you out,” I teased. We’d gotten up to clean up, after a while, but it’d been the minimum we could get away with before we’d both curled up together again. I couldn’t speak for Felix, but for me it was less physical exhaustion and more emotional. Tonight had been… a lot.
I didn’t regret a second of it, but I was still processing.
“You did,” he said, eyes falling closed again.
I brushed my thumb over his lips. They curved under my touch. Smiles were less startling on Felix now, since I’d seen so many of them, but they weren’t any less beautiful. I loved making him smile.
I loved…
A lot.
About him.
I swallowed, wetting my lips. I didn’t want to say what I had to next, but I did have to say it.
“I gotta get home.”
Felix’s smile took on a wry twist, just for a split second. It faded into something softer, but I knew I was disappointing him.
It was just that my life wasn’t my own. Not wholly, not anymore.
“I know,” he said, and I could hear in his voice the way he was biting back a sigh. “Give Benji my love,” he added. “I must love him if I’m willing to give you up for his benefit.”
That made me smile. Felix did love Benji.
I figured he saw his younger self in him, to some degree, but they’d also just…
bonded. Benji had always been enthusiastic about ballet—after Laura died, it’d been about the one thing he really wanted to do, something to bribe him to keep going with.
Since Felix had arrived, though, there was a light in Benji’s eyes that I’d never seen before.
“Believe me when I say he feels the same way about you,” I said. “You’re good with kids.”
I was stalling. I knew I was stalling. I had to leave.
But not yet.
“Mm?” Felix’s eyes fluttered open again, peering at me from under his ridiculously long lashes.
“They respond to you like you’re the goddamn pied piper,” I said, smile widening as I stroked Felix’s hair again. Just another few minutes.
Felix’s half-smile widened, stretching across his face. I ran my hand down to brush my thumb over the edge of it, wanting to sear the shape into my memory.
This was the best moment I’d had since I got the call about Laura. I wanted as much of it as I could get.
“Back in New York, Piotr let me take charge of a production of The Nutcracker for the under 16s,” he said.
“By which I mean he palmed it off on me so he wouldn’t have to bother.
He hated kids. I mean, he understood that anyone who wants to be really professionally good at ballet has to start before 12, well before, ideally, but he…
he hated imperfection. Anyway. I loved doing it. That’s why I’m here.”
“Oh?”
“Amelia promised me I could teach kids,” he said. “It… it was the first thing I’d wanted to do, since…”
I nodded, pressing a kiss to his forehead. “I get it,” I said, and then, to lighten the mood, “The Nutcracker’s my favorite.”
“Mine too,” Felix said. “I don’t know why I’m surprised you have favorites. You sit and watch them with Benji, don’t you?”
“At least a couple of nights a week.”
“You’ve watched my performances,” Felix added, eyes opening all the way now, looking into mine.
I nodded. I’d said so, but it clearly hadn’t really registered before. I watched his expression change as he made the connection, eyes wide and darting over my face.
“Not nearly all of them, but yeah. I realized who you were the second time we met. The first time…”
“You were too busy being soaked with hot coffee,” Felix finished for me.
“It was a little distracting,” I admitted with a smile, stroking his hair again. “But I did notice your eyes.”
“Really?” Felix raised a brow.
I laughed. “Really. You can ask my dad. First thing I said about you was that you had the bluest eyes I’d ever seen.”
“Wow,” Felix said. “You told your dad that?”
I shrugged. Felix’s dad might’ve been a pathetic excuse for a father, but mine wasn’t.
I couldn’t imagine what it would’ve been like not to have a great dad.
I’d always felt like he had my back, whatever happened.
Still did. “We’ve got a good relationship.
I don’t feel like I have to hide things from him. ”
Felix nodded, his fingers flexing lightly against my chest. He’d never moved his hand once we curled up together again.
“I wish you could’ve seen me on stage,” he said, pushing his head into my hand. “In person, I mean.”
“I like the way I’ve seen you.”
He looked up at me, lips parted. Surprised.
“I think you’re incredible,” I said. “Not were. Are. I want you to hear that.”
Felix stared for another moment, then turned his head to press a kiss against the heel of my palm. “Thank you.”
“I mean it.”
I wished there were words I could use to convince him of that, but if there were, I didn’t know them. All I could do was say it and hope it’d get through.
Felix kissed my hand again, then sighed.
I let the silence stretch out for a handful of heartbeats. The world outside was quiet but for a light breeze rustling the leaves, and the only sound in the room was Felix’s breathing falling into rhythm with mine.
“I gotta get home,” I said again, eventually. “But,” I added, “there’ll be pancakes on the table at eight. Enough for five, if you wanted to come over for breakfast. No pressure.”
Felix’s lips quirked against my hand, and my own twitched in response.
“Morning after breakfast,” he murmured. “I’ll be there.”
“I’d like that.”
I stayed where I was for another few heartbeats, then slipped out of bed and hunted down my clothes. Felix had fallen asleep again by the time I was dressed.
I pulled the blankets up over him and pressed a kiss to his hair before I left.