37. Leo
LEO
Me
Are you home?
I texted Eliza as I left Lake Ridge and headed to our apartment building.
Today’s weather couldn’t be more perfect.
Warm with a slight breeze and an orange and red sunset.
We normally spent nights like this on the roof, and I hoped we could head up there tonight after I told Eliza how my plans had changed. How I wanted to stay. How I wanted us.
It was a risk—maybe even one of the biggest risks I’d take—but I hoped Eliza would give us a chance. Because I knew, I knew, she felt something, too.
I climbed the flight of stairs and went to her door. After knocking and not getting a response, I figured she was at her grandma’s or maybe with Lily and Jules.
Right when I turned to head to my apartment, her door opened.
I turned around, an easy grin on my face. “Hey, Trouble,” I said as I approached and entered her apartment.
She had a tight smile as she closed the door behind me. From that simple look, my stomach flipped.
Something was wrong. When I reached for her, desperate to pull her in for a kiss, she leaned away, turning her head to the side. My heart plummeted, and my throat felt like sandpaper when I swallowed.
It was written all over her beautiful face. From the crease between her brows to her set jaw to the way she bit down on her bottom lip to keep it from trembling. Something was wrong, and I might not be able to fix it.
My shoulders dropped immediately. “Eliza.”
“Leo, I don’t think we should—”
I shook my head, repeating her name again. Maybe if I kept her from finishing her sentence, she’d realize what a mistake this was.
“This was always going to end,” she said, and those six words knocked the wind out of me. “You’re…well, you’re leaving. This is—”
“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I don’t have to leave.” I paused. “Let’s give this a real shot, Eliza. You and me. I could stay—”
“You can’t stay,” she said quickly, her voice sharp and panicked. Her eyes flared with so much fire. If only she used that fire to fight for us rather than against. “I don’t want you to give up your dreams and stay for me. That’s not—that wasn’t part of the plan.”
“I wouldn’t just be staying for you. Eliza, I’m happier with you than I’ve been in any other place.
” My hands flexed at my sides, desperately wanting to reach for her, but that would scare her even more.
As much as this hurt, I knew she was pushing me away out of fear.
“You were special from the moment I saw you. And I think it wouldn’t matter where I was or if I got what I thought was my dream job if it meant I didn’t have you. ”
“You want to be in the city at a fine dining restaurant. Not here.”
My jaw clenched. “And what’s so wrong with being here?” Eliza loved Golden Falls. It was her favorite place. Why couldn’t she realize that I’d come to love it, too? That anywhere she was would be where I wanted to exist. “And don’t say some bullshit about me being too good for this town.”
She promptly closed her mouth.
“You don’t think it’s a sign that we’re finally in the same place? That we could give this a real try—that we have given it a try, and we work, Eliza. We work really fucking well together.”
“Leo,” she whispered, a crease forming between her brows.
“You’re scared.”
“I’m not,” she said stubbornly.
She almost had me. But then her lip quivered. Maybe what gutted me the most—that it seemed like she was making a choice she didn’t necessarily want to make.
She straightened her spine, gathering her composure. “What do I have to be scared of?”
“My feelings for you,” I said. “And your feelings for me.”
She opened her mouth to speak, and I knew—I knew—what she was going to say before she even said it. Because I knew her.
“And don’t tell me that you don’t have feelings for me.”
Her nostrils flared, and her jaw clenched. “You don’t know that’s what I was going to say.”
“I do, Eliza. Because I know you. I know you’re one of the strongest women I’ve ever met.
That you would do anything for your friends and family.
That you make a mean margarita and love tequila.
I know that you fiddle with your rings when you’re nervous and that you’re scared of letting someone in because you don’t want to lose yourself.
That you don’t want to lose the people you care about.
I love those things about you, Eliza. I love how deeply you care about the people you love.
I don’t want to change anything about you—never have and never will. I want you exactly as you are.”
Tears welled in her brown eyes. “It’s not that simple,” she croaked.
I shook my head, because it was that simple. It could be that easy.
“I can’t do this, Leo. It’s all…it’s all too much. It’s not what we agreed to, and I just…I can’t.”
My jaw tightened, and it felt like the world was falling out from under me.
“Can’t or won’t?” I asked, my eyes fixed on her.
“Does it matter?”
“It matters. Of course it matters.” Because if she wanted this but felt like she couldn’t, then I’d fight for her. I’d fight to show her how good it could be every damn day with us.
But if she wouldn’t do this…then I didn’t want to pressure her into something she didn’t want.
“It doesn’t,” she said, exasperated.
I didn’t know who she was trying to convince—me or herself.
“Eliza,” I said again, pleading as I took another step toward her. All I wanted to do was wrap her in my arms and pull her into my chest.
“Things were simple before. When it was just sex—”
“It was never just sex, Eliza.”
“It was,” she said stubbornly. “That’s what we agreed on.”
I shook my head, running a hand over my jaw. “Well, things change.”
“I don’t want them to!” She raised her arms and let them fall.
“I’m not strong enough to spend a lifetime with you and then lose you.
I don’t want to go through that. I’ve spent two months with you, and it’s got me questioning everything.
It’s got me feeling things I’ve never experienced before—never thought I wanted. ”
“So, let yourself feel them. You don’t have to do this alone. I’m right here.”
I took a step toward her, and when she didn’t back away, I took another one. And another. Until I was standing in front of her and cupping her face. I ran my thumb over her cheek, catching a stray tear that had escaped.
“I’m right here,” I repeated softly.
She closed her eyes, and while our bodies gravitated toward each other like magnets, Eliza shook her head and stepped away from my touch.
What I wanted was right within my reach, but when I went to grab it, it slipped away, like it was never mine to have. Like she was never mine.
Maybe she hadn’t been.
I didn’t want her to think that me giving her space was me not fighting for us. It was the opposite. If Eliza and I had a shot, then she’d have to come to the realization on her own. Maybe she already had but just didn’t believe it.
“Eliza, I know you care about me. Maybe you didn’t want to, but you do.
And I get it. Life is fucking terrifying, and it’s hard, and it’s a lot.
But it’s a whole lot less terrifying when I’m with you.
It’s full of light, excitement, and new experiences.
I’ve never felt more inspired in life or at work than these last couple of months with you.
I’ve felt more like myself with you than I ever had with anyone else.
There’s so much in my life that I’ve felt like I had to control or people I’ve had to take care of, but it never feels that way with you.
I do things for you because I want to—not because I need to, because I know damn well you can handle your own.
And that’s one of the things I admire most about you.
” One of the things I love most about you.
Somewhere along the way, I fell so deeply in love with her that even with my heart aching, I would never blame her or be angry at her. Because I understood where she was coming from. That didn’t mean I wasn’t upset or frustrated, but she was the last person I wanted to take it out on.
I’d always wanted to be a safe space for her, and just because things weren’t working out my way, didn’t mean I was going to stop.
As much as I wanted to tell her I loved her—how deeply I’d fallen—I didn’t want to do it like this. And maybe that meant never telling her, and I had to be okay with that.
Eliza wrapped her arms around herself, taking a step back and looking down at the floor. “I…I don’t know what to say. I need…I need time to think about all this.”
“You know what I want,” I said gently. “Take the time to figure out what you want.”
“And if we don’t want the same things?” She looked up at me with a pained expression.
I swallowed the emotion clawing up my throat as I reached for the door knob. “Then we don’t want the same things. I’m always going to want the best for you, Eliza. I want you to be happy. That’s never going to change.”