Chapter 27
Twenty-Seven
EMILY
We’re a team.
I wake up every morning, replaying Derek’s words, waiting to feel them. I want to. But I’m a realist, and things have been easy with him. Too easy. And when it gets too hard, will we still be a team?
We’re in a daily routine now. If he’s not making sure I’m taken care of or playing with the kids, he works on new music in one of the empty rooms.
“Good morning.” His morning voice is all rough and sexy. The sound travels straight to my core.
I blink an eye open. “Hi.”
He’s propped up on one elbow, looking down at me. He traces a line from throat to my belly button and up to my shoulder. “I want to show you something.”
“Oh ya?” I drop my hand between his legs palming his morning wood.
He pulls my hand away. “Patience, angel.”
He pulls up his phone and finds a video. My pussy complains because that is not what I wanted him to show me.
The audio is of Derek playing guitar, and the phone is pointed at the door of the room he practices in. Through a mirror in the hallway, James dances to the song outside the doorway, unaware he’s being filmed. My chest balloons, and my eyes water. He’s moving to the deep drawl and rasped tone of Derek’s voice. My heart grows too big for my chest.
“Hey,” Derek says, squeezing my hand. “I wasn’t expecting him to be listening.”
“He disappears from the living room saying he’s going to his room. Sneaky little boy.”
His smile is full of pride. “What if we create a song and dance routine for the fundraiser? James and I could spend time together working on it.”
A song and dance? “How would that bring in money? Cold hard cash is what we need. And the higher the item goes, the better.”
“It’s showing a father’s acceptance of his son.” Derek replays the video like he can’t stop watching it. “The real auction item would be a VIP experience. We can have it at Saddles, with a Oaxacan mole dinner from Santos paired with a specialty named cocktail, a private guitar lesson or a five-song acoustic set. I kinda already ran it by Charlie. You could join us.”
Emotions I can’t name bubble up in my throat. “You thought of everything.”
The skin around his eyes crinkles. “It’s important to you.”
This man. This incredible man. I run my hand over his cheek. “We have time for a quick?—”
“Moooooom,” James bellows from somewhere in the house. “Where’s the cereal?”
Our son. The little blocker.
Derek smirks. I flop back on the bed with a sigh.
After breakfast, Derek asks James and Victoria if they’d like to have a dance show. Victoria, as expected, says no, and runs to grab a toy her favorite uncle Charlie brought over yesterday.
James scratches the back of his head and twists his hips, letting his arms sway. He eyes Derek. Unsure of what to do, he sits next to me on the couch .
Derek waits, but when James doesn’t say yes, he heads to the room where he writes his music.
“Want to tell me what’s going on?” I ask.
James tucks his legs under him, and tugs at the end of his braid. “Is he going to leave like Dad did?”
Nothing prepared me for having to sit my children down and explain to them how a possibility we talked about before dad left became a reality. One half of the unit they thought they could count on forever is no longer around. Hearing my son’s fears are as real as mine drives a knife into a wound that’s not yet healed.
A country star’s life is technically safer than an active soldier’s.
“What if we could make it easier to see Derek more often?” I ask. Moving here would mean giving up the home I fought to keep. The one I promised we’d return to. The place where their memories of Ryan live.
“Are we moving here?” James, my super intelligent little one, asks.
“What do you think?”
“Could Midnight stay with us?” James asks about Tyler’s horse.
Derek would buy this house if it meant keeping the horse, which meant keeping James happy.
“We could stay close to visit Midnight.” I wrap my hand over his shoulder. “What do you think of spending time with Derek and coming up with a dance? You and Derek can perform it for a fundraiser in San Diego.”
He looks up at me. “Can we invite Maddox?”
“Yes, we can.”
Some days, it’s war to get kids to eat a vegetable and other days, it’s easy to have them accept the man who will be in their lives forever. James nods and shows off his toothless smile.
“Why don’t you go tell him?” At my suggestion, James rockets out of the couch and disappears to the back of the house from where the melody of Derek’s guitar and voice drifts.
Two hours later, they emerge, wearing matching smiles .
“Mom, want to see what we came up with?” James says.
James performs a few dance steps along with a detailed explanation of each move and why he chose it. My heart overflows with emotion as he and Derek smile at each other like they’re sharing a secret. What else could I ask for? My phone rings somewhere nearby.
Derek strolls to get it, a frown on his face at the name on the screen.
Robbins.
Mike Robbins is Ryan’s best friend, our tenant living in the converted basement, and one of the reasons I haven’t lost the townhouse. He’s also taking care of any house maintenance.
It’s a good call until he changes the subject. “Lilian called. Asking if I’d heard from you. Are you avoiding her?”
He would be right. Ryan’s mother called a few times in the past two weeks and I’ve sent it to voicemail. I wouldn’t keep Victoria from seeing her grandmother, but I’ve been, well, preoccupied.
“I’ll give her a call,” I answer, aware I’ll put it off as long as possible.
“She asked if I knew if there was money left. Why is she asking you for money?” I’m grateful for Mike sounding offended on my behalf. “Something you’re not telling me?”
There’s a lot I haven’t told him, Holly, Derek, or anyone else.
“Not sure.” I remind myself I’m protecting Ryan’s memory. No other reason. I don’t want anyone remembering his mistakes. He was a man dedicated to his family, his friends, and his country.
Mike sighs. “If you’re in trouble. You’d tell me, right?”
I hate him for caring. For being a good guy. For moving in downstairs and making up the excuse he couldn’t find a better location when I know it’s to watch over us.
Derek’s in the kitchen cleaning up, still within hearing distance.
“If I were, I’d handle it.” Which I did.
“When are you coming home?” he asks. Because I texted him to tell him I wouldn’t return when I said I would, and I didn’t give him a set date.
“Working on it,” is all I say.
Mike tells me he’s met up with Holly and Tony, her husband, a few times. He updates me on the rest of Ryan’s team. A band squeezes around my chest as he relays every new event, joyous or sad, and it turns into a vise when they ask how many days are left until we come home.
The familiar void widens in my gut. I’ve been a guest at my brother’s house like I am here because this house isn’t permanent. Maryland holds all the hopes, dreams and memories we made with Ryan. How will I keep the kids connected to him if we leave the house and the family we built forever?
The house is the only thing that’s truly mine that I can pass on to James and Victoria. After so much loss, how can I let it go?
But how can I tear them away from Derek? The man who makes them their favorite foods and loves them freely and enthusiastically. The man who watches James like he’s lucky to be in the little human’s presence while James returns the same smile.
Two weeks have passed, and I’m not closer to an answer. Now that I can put weight on my ankle, Derek is busier with meetings or recording with Bailey. He leaves for interviews promoting his upcoming tour and his collaboration with Bailey, and he practices with Tyler’s replacement. He leaves for San Diego twice to check on the progress at Santos. The good thing is Charlie visits as often as he can, making Victoria a very giddy and spoiled little girl. The guys from the crew who have been with the Muddy Boots come to visit, too. One informed us he found someone to fix the light in Derek’s kitchen. They’re great, and yet they don’t feel like strangers, but they don’t feel like family either.
When Derek leaves, James asks what time Derek will be back. Victoria makes plans for what games she will play with Derek when he’s home. They’re attached. It’s all sweet and panic inducing.
The thoughts loop in uninvited, wondering when the bubble will burst. I heard something like this at the mandatory counseling after losing Ryan. That there would be a day when things would feel normal, a new normal, but then there would be moments overshadowed by fear of loss happening again. That day, I promised myself I wouldn’t let that happen. I had to have some sort of protection. Some way to remain strong for James and Victoria if they had to go through loss again.
Every day and every night, I let Derek in inch by inch. And not only into my heart.
Like tonight, I kiss and straddle Derek as he rests naked, his back against the headboard with his legs stretched out. His arms wrap tight around me, and my good arm hooks around his neck. Our tongues move against each other as he fills me with his steeled length. His movements are gentle, cautious like I’m some delicate flower.
I initiated our session, because he’s hesitated before, claiming he doesn’t want to hurt me. How sweet, but, please. This girl needs a rough ride more than once in a while.
He breaks our kiss. “You okay?”
“I’ll be better when you fuck me for real.” I nip at his bottom lip to punctuate my request.
He pulls out of our kiss and his lips turn down. “Can’t get the image of you lying on the floor out of my head.”
I sink deeper onto him and squeeze. He groans. “Gonna take more than a sprained ankle and a fucked up elbow to stop me.”
“You’ve been laid up for weeks, being waited on for everything. I think you lost that argument.”
I pinch his nipple. He curses. “Your caveman is showing. Need your woman to depend on you?”
He cuts me off with a kiss, a dominant press of his lips, and his tongue sweeps inside me like a scorching hot claiming. “You’re my woman.” He thrusts up fully inside me. My insides clench around him. A deep primal sound escapes me and vibrates between us.
He moves us until I’m on my back. I wrap my legs around his narrow hips, drawing him in deeper inside me. He raises himself on his palms and plunges into me repeatedly as I grip the sheets to ground me.
“I’m yours,” I say as heat crawls up my body from where we’re joined to be relieved by the coolness of sweat beading at my neck and down my body.
Derek kisses me, softer this time, a contradiction to the punishing pace in which he shuttles in and out of me. He licks the moisture off my neck. “I won’t last long.”
I’m about to respond with a ‘me either’, when the rush of pleasure lights me up from where he’s moving inside me. Bright white lights spark behind my eyelids, and I struggle for air. The intensity of my orgasm echoes around me, like a silent uncoiling of my very existence. As my soul returns to my body, I’m dragging parts of Derek into me. He drops down to his forearms, buries his face in my neck, and lets out a long, low sound of ecstasy as his body tenses with the force of his release.
Careful to keep his weight off me, he takes his time pulling out of me. He lifts his head and smiles. “I’ve missed us.”
He gets up to toss out the condom, and I shamelessly watch his strong, solid limbs and tight round ass as he strolls to the bathroom.
I swallow and turn to my side with my back to the bathroom door. The mattress dips with his return. He wraps his arms around me, and he spoons me until we’re skin-to-skin from my shoulders to my calves. His man heat warms me in places he’s not touching.
“Everything okay?” He whispers in my ear before dropping a kiss behind it.
I stare at nothing in particular. “I’m fine. Might be sore tomorrow, but I don’t mind the reminder of having your big cock inside me.” I rub my ass over his cock.
He curls inward. “Sensitive.”
I turn so I can see him and drag a finger over his nose, down his chin, between his pecs, and down his ripped abs. “I’m going to feel this fucking for days.”
His fingers trace a path like I did to him, but he doesn’t stop at my navel, he keeps going and slips inside my wet and sore pussy. He dips them in there, and I close my eyes at the sensation of being invaded again by his roughened hand. He pulls them out, brings them to his mouth, and sucks. He closes his eyes like he’s enjoying a Michelin star meal.
When he opens them, his eyes are an ocean of lust. “In a class of its own.”
I smack his chest. He flips me onto my back, slips down my body, and spreads my weakened thighs open. He licks what remains of my orgasm between my legs as I grab his hair and fight the oversensitivity in my clit. I come, again. When he’s satisfied, he climbs back and hovers over me with forearms at my ears. He brushes the wet sweaty hair off my face. “There’s never been a moment I don’t want you, angel. This isn’t fucking.”
When he doesn’t continue, I ask. “What is it?” My heart pitter patters at what he might say.
He smiles like he knows I need him to say it first. “Making love.”
My pulse pounds in my ear blocking out all sounds. “What…what are you saying?”
He kisses my nose. “You need me to say it, don’t you?” He presses his lips to mine and when he pulls up, his intense gaze is on mine. “I love you, angel. Don’t think it ever went away.”
I asked for those words. I forced them out of him. I roll onto my back with my stomach heavy, twisted into a knot of uncertainty. Because love was not enough to keep Ryan home. Love was not enough for my father to come back for us.
“Hey,” Derek presses his forehead against mine. “No pressure.”
He’s says there are no expectations, but his eyes search mine. And I’ve been quiet for too long, and now it will sound forced. Like an obligation. I loved Ryan. I had everything I wanted with him, until I didn’t. My heart beats out its own confession. Love is what I feel for Derek, but the brokenness of unfulfilled promises traps me behind mile-high walls.
I curl onto my side with my back to his front. He wraps a big arm around me, and I scoot back, nestling our bodies together into little and big spoons again. “I’m exhausted.”
I lie. A big fat lie. Derek said he loves me, and I say I’m exhausted? I hate me right now. I lie still, not wanting to move. The silence hangs heavy between us. I fucked everything up.