Chapter 31
Thirty-One
EMILY
“Hello Ms. Armada,” the teacher says in greeting as I hover near the door, watching James hang up his backpack and find the desk with his name. First day of first grade. “Would you like to stay for a while and observe?”
Yes, but should I? Give him room to breathe. It’s what Derek would say.
“No.” Fighting the urge to stay is harder than I expect. “You have my number?” I ask, aware all teachers get a roster with our contact information.
“Let me get the list and make sure it’s correct.” Bless her for checking. I check the last line with my name. “Is there an alternate contact you need to add?”
“Yes, um,” Should I? What’s the point? He doesn’t live here. “No, only me.”
All day, I hover near the phone, waiting for a call informing me something went wrong. With only Victoria and me, the house feels too big and too little at the same time. My phone pings with a message, and I rush over worried it might be James’ teacher.
Derek
How’s he doing ?
We’ve texted and talked, keeping the conversation about James. Derek proposed a visit for the week after we returned, but I asked him to wait.
I’ll pick him up in a couple hours.
Derek
How did he take the news?
I can’t keep him from seeing James any longer. Last week, he informed me he would visit this weekend. His request is reasonable, and I have no reason to deny him the opportunity to be a parent but only when James is comfortable.
I’ll tell him today.
Dots appear and disappear. It happens a few times. The dots stop. I send another message.
I wanted him to get through his first day.
Derek
We agreed to give him time to get used to the idea.
Derek wants James to spend the night at the hotel with him. I was supposed to tell James and give him time to absorb the news. How was I going to tell him without telling him the reason why?
He’ll have questions.
Derek
We’ll tell him who I am. Together.
Together—what we were or would never be.
“You got any lunch meat?” Mike stomps into the kitchen, distracting me from the phone. He glances over my shoulder. “What’s baby daddy want? ”
“You’ve been hanging around Holly too much.”
Mike laughs as he opens the fridge and starts taking out all the fixings for sandwiches. “Want one?”
“Very nice of you to make us sandwiches.” I set my phone down on the counter. “He’ll be here on Thursday.”
Mike stops and turns around, eyebrow raised high. “Are you gonna do it?”
I nod, thinking back to all the opportunities we had in Tennessee. Maybe James would want a relationship with Derek if he knew. Maybe it would be worse. Ever since coming back, I question all my decisions.
“I want Cheerios,” Victoria announces.
Mike picks her up and sets her on the counter next to me. “I’ll make you sandwiches.”
She shrugs. “Okay.”
If only it were that easy.
On Tuesday, I told James Derek is visiting, and he gave me a half smile. At least he didn’t outright tell me he didn’t want to see him. I didn’t tell him about staying the night with Derek. I’m not certain I’m okay with him going.
Wednesday night, after the kids are asleep, I find Mike in the kitchen again, rummaging through the fridge. I reach for the bottle of tequila in the top cabinet, not as high-quality as the one Derek gave me. “Want some?”
“Hell ya.” He grins. “Getting shitfaced before the storm?”
“Something like that.” I pour us out two shots, neat.
After we both hiss through the burn, Mike’s expression turns somber. “He’s taking his cues from you.”
“What?” Is he? “No. He’s all about doing things himself.”
“That’s not what I’m talking about.” Mike points at the couch taking a bowl of homemade salsa and a bag of chips with him. We sit down with the snack on the coffee table. “He’s watching you to learn how he should feel about Derek.”
What? “I don’t feel anything about Derek.”
Liar.
He barks out a laugh. I hit him with a couch pillow and point upstairs in a warning to keep it down.
“Like you haven’t been moping around here for over a month.”
“I’m not moping,” I say with forced cheer in my voice.
He laughs again, a little quieter. “How about you sleep in tomorrow, go do a day at the spa or whatever chicks do to feel pretty, and I’ll take care of getting James to school and keeping Victoria entertained?”
What? “Why?”
He shakes his head. “Holly said I had to. You need it.”
I scoff at how wrong she is. “Why are you listening to her?”
His kind smile is a little too much for me. “Because I agree.” He picks up a lock of my hair and lets it fall. “You’re usually, um, put together.”
I smack him again with the pillow, snatch the bottle of tequila off the coffee table, and swig. “Fuck off, Robbins.”
“I’m only sayin’. Holly suggested wearing a new dress.”
I roll my eyes. “I’m not trying to seduce him. It’s over.” Why does the admission make my eyes burn? “He’s here to visit James. My focus is on our son.”
“So fucking tired of hearing that. You’re not a martyr. You can have a life too. You don’t have to be a damn helicopter parent to James, either. He’ll be better off learning things on his own, and you’re there to help him process. Show him the correct path, but not keep him sheltered. It’s like he’s trying to break free but you’re constantly blocking the exit.”
His words land like an anvil in my gut. “What? You’re the expert now?”
Why am I standing? The reminder of all we’ve been through stalls at the tip of my tongue, but the words don’t come out. Am I the one hindering him? Am I blocking his happiness? Am I blocking mine? I can’t seem to make sense of anything since we’ve been back.
“I hate you,” I say.
“I know.” He scoops a big dollop of salsa with a chip and stuffs it in his mouth. One, two, three, and, “Oh fuck that’s spicy,” he says through a mouthful of chips. I walk away with the tequila bottle, laughing my head off.
I leave the bottle on the dresser in my room and splash water on my face. My reflection, a pale, lifeless thing, stares back at me. Maybe Holly and Mike are right. I need to put myself back together. Even if it’s for the few days Derek is here. I have to show him I’m holding up and not affected by our break up.
Derek will arrive after James is home from school, and I accept Mike’s offer. There’s a last-minute cancellation at the salon, and they spend over an hour conditioning and trimming my hair. I buy two new dresses on sale, and a pair of matching heels.
“Mommy, pretty,” Victoria says when I come downstairs a few minutes before four when Derek is scheduled to arrive.
“Mom, is that a new color?” James says, admiring my lipstick. I hand it over. “Wow.” He runs to the bathroom and comes out smacking his new Berrylicious Baby shimmering lips.
I take in the brightness of his smile. When I woke up, Mike’s observation still on my mind, I let go of the weight I’d been carrying since we returned. I tried to find some joy in having Derek visit. In having our house back, and maybe in letting go a little of the need to watch everything. After all, it is tiring to be on all the time.
James looks down at his tee shirt and shorts and runs upstairs.
The doorbell rings, and I shove at Mike’s shoulders. The brute is too big to move. “Shoo, he’s here. Go. Disappear.”
Mike’s grin widens. “You’re back!” he whispers with some reverie. “Knock his boots off.”
His encouragement and support warm my cold little heart.
I fluff the ends of my hair with my hand, and smooth out the front of my dress.
I open the door. My breath catches. He’s much more handsome than I remember. He’s in a green tee, jeans, his aviators, and a trucker hat. Heat sprouts from between my legs, traveling to my toes. It’s September, and humidity clings to the air, but not enough to have me breathing in this deep and making awkward noises.
“Hi,” he says through a tense jaw, and his shoulders draw up.
I blink a few times because what the hell am I going to do seeing him every day for four days straight and have this reaction?
“Hi.” My voice is breathy, like I’m about to sink to my knees and take him into my mouth. I clear my throat. “C’mon in.”
Although I can’t see his eyes, I feel his stare. There’s a brief lift of the corner of his lips. “Want me to walk through you?”
“Oh. Oh!” I step out of the way.
“Deck!” Victoria squeals as soon as she sees him. She drops from the couch and runs over to him.
“I missed you, princess.” He scoops her into his embrace like she weighs nothing. She plants a kiss on his cheek. He’s still wearing those aviators, and hell, I wish I could get a glimpse of his eyes and know what he’s thinking.
I school my own features, trying to control the desire pulsing through me like a beacon calling him home.
“Mom, what do you think?” James steps down from the stairs in a violet dress, with his shadow and blush lightly on his face, probably from the new stuff I left on the bathroom counter.
“Gorgeous,” Derek says, and it draws James attention from me to his father.
It’s as if everything around us stops. And the connection I still carry with Derek sparks to life because I sense the anticipation coursing through both of us like we were one unit.
James runs to Derek, much like Victoria did, and wraps his arms around his leg. I close my eyes, but the moisture breaches the shield I try to erect .
“Like your mom,” Derek says, his voice cracking a bit, and when I open my eyes, he’s removed his glasses and his brown eyes bore a hole right through me. He breaks off his laser stare, squats, and wraps James in his free arm.
“I missed you,” James says softly, and I barely register it.
A sound rips out of me. I turn and run up the stairs to the restroom in my room. I close the door to my ensuite, and splash water on my face, the day’s work of looking beautiful swirling down the drain. Who am I fooling? I’m still in love with him. I don’t know if I will ever stop.
There’s a soft knock at the door. “Emily.” Derek’s deep voice carries a note of concern.
“I’ll be right there,” I say as I find a towel and dab my face. I take a few minutes to fix myself to appear somewhat decent.
“You’re beautiful without it,” Derek says when I walk out and he’s waiting, arms crossed over his chest, standing in my bedroom.
“I, I, uh, well,” I glance down at my dress. It really is pretty. “Mike suggested it.” I shrug a shoulder.
When Derek’s quiet for too long, I look up and a muscle ticks in his jaw. He clears his throat. “Wondering if you had dinner plans.”
I shake my head. “No, I, uh, no.”
“Looked up some places on my way over. Thought maybe you could show me around. Learn a little about the neighborhood.”
Show him the neighborhood? “Uh, it’s Crofton.” Apparently, I cry spontaneously and speak with uncertainty around Derek Anderson.
“All four of us could go out to dinner.”
I nod and start moving towards the door. Derek stops me with a hand on my shoulder, and it sears itself onto my skin. I look down at our connection, missing more than his presence. Derek drops his hand as if he regrets the move. “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on.”
Why does he have to say things like that? When he does, I forget why we can’t be together, but then I remember he’s here for four days. Then he’s gone again for who knows how long.
During dinner, James entertains Derek with stories of his classmates, and what he’s learning. He also recites facts about amphibians.
When we return to the house, I tuck Victoria in bed and ask James to put on his pjs and meet us downstairs. There’s no playbook on how to parent and much less on how to tell your child the man he thought was his father isn’t his biological father.
“We have something to tell you,” I say when we sit on the couch with James curled up in the middle.
“You’re getting married,” he giggles.
Derek clears his throat. “No.” He turns his whole body towards James, looks over his head at me. “Your mom and I have known each other for a long time. Long before you were born. She and I were?—”
“Married.” James cuts off Derek with a sly grin. I poke at James’ ribs, and he contorts with another teasing smile. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this happy since Ryan left. Please let him keep this mood as he takes in the news.
Derek continues, “I hoped one day I could marry your mom, but life had other plans.”
“You did?” The question spills out of me.
His eyes soften. “I never questioned if I wanted to marry you. It was just never the right time.”
My sinuses burn with the threat of tears. I can’t mourn the past. Move forward.
“Well, James, what we’re trying to say is…” I can’t finish.
James’ eyes bounce between Derek and me. “Kids at school say you’re my dad. They said it at the camp, too. It’s okay, you don’t have to be scared.” He pats Derek’s knee.
Derek blinks at James. I blink at James.
“You know?” Oh my, this is easier than I thought.
“There’s a picture,” James says reaching for the tablet. He presses buttons and pulls up a still image with the four of us. I’m still on the knee scooter, so it must have been a day I agreed to a short trip to the zoo in Nashville. The reporter writes about the remarkable resemblance between them, and how we appear to be a happy family. The comments joke the Muddy Boots singer found his pair. Cheeky.
“Jackie’s having a birthday party in five weeks and invited me. Jackie’s mom said I should ask my dad to chaperone.” Jackie is one of his classmates.
This is ridiculous. These women are all worked up because of Derek?
James looks at me, then at Derek. “Will you go as my dad?”
“James,” Derek says with care, “I think there’s more you should know.”
James stretches out between us, his head on my lap and his eyes intent on Derek.
Derek puffs out a breath. “Your mom and I knew each other, but then your mom moved away, and we lost touch. You were born, and I didn’t know. I’m sorry we didn’t meet earlier,” he clears his throat, “but I’m going to be around as much as I can.”
James wrinkles his nose, studying Derek, then looks at me over his brow. Was he taking his cues from me? He’d read through the facade if my reaction was anything but honest. “This is all true, and I’m sorry, too, you weren’t able to meet Derek until this summer. Your dad, Ryan, he knew too. He loved you very much.”
I blink away the tears pushing through my walls.
James scrambles to his knees and wraps his arms around my neck. “It’s okay, mom. It’s okay to miss him and live a happy life.” He repeats the words I’d told him in the months after Ryan’s passing.
I return his hug. “Think we can make room for Derek in our lives?”