4. Chapter 4
Chapter four
NOAH
I’m not entirely sure how to participate in a sea of testosterone and pasta, men I haven’t seen in years clapping my back, hellos echoed across the dining room.
It seems my poker face is better than I thought, few of them noticing that I’m completely strung out and about to fall apart.
Logan keeps glancing over at me, Sebastian doing the same but a lot less subtly.
The pasta tastes like ash in my mouth and I quickly lose my appetite, still focused on the day’s earlier events.
The laughter and camaraderie exploding in the kitchen hasn’t changed much, though.
Even before we were in the military, Kurt would have his friends over while I stuffed myself in the corner, content to watch but not participate in the chaos.
I swallow, a sigh following as I lean my fork against the edge of my plate.
No one is paying attention to me, well, except for two men I shouldn’t be thinking about.
My mind is racing, the need for fresh air growing—whether that’s outside or upstairs, I don’t care at this point.
I wait a few moments longer before grabbing my plate and heading to the sink, not prepared for the firm grip wrapping around my waist.
My mouth opens to tell the guy off when I realize just who it is.
Yet another man from my past, one that shared the other side of the bed in college.
“Hey, Declan.” I manage. He releases me immediately, dark eyes glaring down at me.
He’s much taller than I remember but just as intense, his brows furrowed as if studying me will give him the answer he seeks.
“You good, bunny?”
My cheeks heat at the awful nickname they gave me in college. I couldn’t sit still. I had to know anything and everything all the time, whether it was research or practice or just knowledge in general. However, the name became something else entirely and Declan has no business calling me that.
“All good. Fantastic, really.”
I shuffle past him, dumping my pasta in the trash and leaving the plate in the sink. Kurt can clean because one more moment in this house and I might fall apart. I shove myself in a pair of shoes, grab a coat, and take off down the driveway to head to the clinic.
It’d be quiet at this time, a place to let myself spiral in silence.
Or at the very least, start reevaluating my life and the way I’ve let my demons hover.
I need to face them. I need more help than I’ve allowed myself to have.
But the scariest part is talking to someone, letting them in.
In a way, Ronny had been that person. We shared everything, our excitement and our woes, our struggles and everything else.
He even detailed stories of the men that had caught his eye but was too damn shy to do anything about.
I told him all about Heath and the abuse and how badly it had ruined my self-esteem.
We were each other’s safe place and that’s why it hurts so much more that I didn’t know he was struggling. Had I pulled away so that he didn’t think I was available? Had I not been asking the right questions or had I missed the signs?
The questions keep running around in my head, even as I slip into the back room of my office, a small cot calling my name. I run a hand through my hair, tugging at the ends just softly, wishing it was a different hand telling me that everything would be alright.
“How do we go on from here, Noah?” I ask myself as I kick off my shoes.
The shirt and pants go with it as I crawl under the covers, slapping a pillow over my head as all the emotions come crashing down around me.
Tears spill down my cheeks as I shake, unable to contain them anymore. It hurts. My heart hurts.
I’m not sure how long I’m there, a loud crash down the hall having me burrow deeper under the duvet.
God, I’m a mess. Trying to fall asleep is pointless but I lay there anyway until there’s a soft tug on the pillow over my head.
I shoot up, fists at the ready, fear and confusion coursing through me.
And then I realize it’s just Sebastian, concern plastered all over his face.
“Seriously, babe?” He asks as he drags me to my feet and into his chest. He runs his fingers through my hair, the other hand roughly gripping my waist. I gasp into his shirt, clinging to him like I have every right to.
“Watching you fall apart is breaking me. Did you really think we wouldn’t notice? ”
A bitter laugh falls from my lips. “Kurt never does.”
“That doesn’t mean we don’t.” The way he says we makes me think that the men from my past share a lot more than just Kurt as a friend.
The idea that they talk about me is both terrifying and comforting.
Sebastian pulls away a little, his gaze walking along the bare walls and surfaces empty of what used to be filled with Heath’s presence.
His grip tightens on me, the unasked question lingering in the air.
My shoulders sag in defeat. “He’s gone. Not completely but we’re… not a thing.” And yet, I still feel a little guilty being in Sebastian’s arms.
He hums a response before looking back down at me, several seconds of silence slowly becoming awkward.
“I missed you,” he whispers by my ear before kissing it, his lips trailing down my jaw before he pulls away just enough to press one to my lips.
I grumble as he gathers me up in his arms and walks over to my desk, setting me on it and stepping in between my legs.
He holds my face in his large, rough hands, keeping me from avoiding his gaze.
“Hey, talk to me.” When I don’t say anything, he drops a hand to my thigh and squeezes, my mouth parting on a gasp.
Heat blooms in my belly as his eyes darken, reminding me of other things that happened in this position. More tears spill down my cheeks as his thumb moves to wipe them away.
“Ronny’s gone,” I whisper.
“Ronny? Fuck, I’m sorry, Noah. I didn’t know. Logan mentioned that he found you with an empty glass.” I try to shrink back, but with Sebastian crowding my space, there isn’t anywhere for me to go. “We tell each other everything.” He winks, trying to lighten the mood.
I don’t move, hanging my head, ashamed, but as per usual, Sebastian sees right through me. Gently, his hand slides from my cheek to my neck, gripping just hard enough to grab my attention again.
“I didn’t know him like you did but the way you talked about him, the way everyone did.
You were everything to him, Noah.” A whine pulls from my throat as he brushes his lips against mine.
“However, I do know you well enough that I know you’re blaming yourself for what happened.
Noah,” his voice softens as he cups my cheeks in his hands, angling my face up to meet his gaze. “You cannot blame yourself.”
A bitter laugh falls from my lips as I press against his chest, putting inches of distance between us.
“You have no idea what happened, Bast.” The name slips out and I silently curse myself for the vulnerability.
“There was so much I should have done. So much I could have done to make sure that he—”
Sebastian just holds me as my words die out, soft kisses pressed against the top of my head.
“Babe, I can’t imagine how much this hurts.
How hard it is to lose someone so close to you.
But I’m not going to let you spiral and I’m definitely not leaving you alone.
” My nose scrunches up as I’m about to protest, the man shaking his head.
“No, today has been stressful enough, and I know how you get when the world is a little too loud.”
There’s no room to protest, Sebastian pulling me off my desk, waiting for me to get dressed, and walking me back to the house. I’m pleasantly surprised to find the kitchen empty. “They went out for drinks.”
“And you didn’t go with them?”
“Contrary to popular belief, Noah, you’re not as invisible as you think you are. Most of us noticed you were a bit off and while you and Kurt don’t have the strongest relationship, the old you would have been a little more present.”
I nod, following behind him until I’m in my room, realizing that Sebastian is still there. My brows furrow as he kicks off his boots and socks in the corner, the man then turning around to help me out of my shirt. “Wha-what are you doing?”
“Giving you some company.”
I’m at a loss for words as he then reaches for his own shirt, revealing a wide chest covered with thick scars and tattoos, taunting me to do something more than look. Then I come back to my senses. “You can’t be here. Kurt will kill us.”
He laughs, a hearty sound as he steps up to me, resting his hands on my waist. “Babe, I really don’t give a fuck what Kurt thinks.
Your brother is the least of my worries when I’m in a room with you.
The only reason I didn’t push is because you were with Heath.
Now, if you tell me he’s still in your life, I’ll back off. ”
“Bast, that’s not…”
“Tell me you don’t want me and I will walk back out that door.
I’ll be cordial but I won’t push. You’ll be just Kurt’s little brother if that’s how you want it.
” My breath catches in my throat as he gently wraps a hand around the front of my throat, his thumb pressing up against my chin.
“Or you can stop lying to yourself about what you want.”
I swallow nervously before stepping back, out of reach.
Sadness overshadows his expression until I reach for his hand.
“I’m terrified of what he’ll do. Sometimes, he just gets so mad.
” My words die on a whisper, memories of my brother’s anger and his physical retorts to situations that didn’t go his way.
Unlike Heath, he never hurt me but that didn’t mean I wasn’t slightly terrified of the outbursts. “I just… not like this.”
I squeeze his hand, hoping he understands the words I’m not saying.
That I’m not saying no, but that I can’t enjoy the things I used to, how I used to.
Sebastian steps a bit closer, softly taking my chin between his fingers before angling my head to the side.
“He hurt you, didn’t he? Touched you when you didn’t want him to? ”
“Yeah. He was there before you guys came in. He was rough and I just can’t do it like that anymore.
” I hate that Heath ruined what I used to crave.
Sebastian’s firm touch and the way he used to handle me was something I looked forward to.
Heath destroyed that. A hand around my throat terrifies me more than it turns me on.
“I can work at whatever speed you need to, babe. Within whatever parameters you need. And if that means this stays in this room for a while, I’m good with that.
” Then Sebastian pulls me flush against his chest, one hand running through my hair before he leans down to devour my lips. I forgot how easy it was with him.
Or how dangerous it is.
And yet, the warmth he’s providing makes me want to not care.