Chapter 21 #2
“Both my mother and my father served as generals under King Dobri—Konram’s father—for more than twenty years, you know,” he says after a moment, his tone both light and bittersweet.
“And both ultimately died as all glorious generals do, defending Silana. I knew I was going to follow in their footsteps from the moment I knew anything at all. I picked my gift to be of as much use in the field as possible. I made my sacrifice happily.”
He lowers his gaze to his other hand, the one currently a realistically sculpted replica. The warmth of his touch tickles up my leg.
“What was the gift?” I ask quietly, not wanting to break the moment.
“I can see a few moves ahead. The next several seconds, in a one-on-one fight. Sometimes several minutes, when observing the patterns of an entire army. Or rather, I could see. It requires a certain amount of sustained concentration that my eyes are no longer capable of. So here I am, whiling out the rest of my days teaching Silana’s elite how to fight the battles I can’t. ”
The bitter overrides the sweet in that last sentence.
He gives himself a little shake and pushes his mouth into a grin stiffer than the one before. “I’m still serving my country. No more damp tents and stale camp food! There’s plenty to recommend about the academic life.”
His mock-jovial tone doesn’t fool me for a second. He hates that he’s here—he hates that he’s lost the life he gave so much to.
No wonder he acts like such a prick sometimes.
I don’t even know what that feels like. I never had a chance to make real dreams to lose.
But I can honestly say, with an ache in the pit of my stomach, “I’m sorry.”
Stavros glances down and appears to realize for the first time that he’s rested his hand on my leg. As he lifts his gaze to meet mine, he strokes his thumb over my ankle. An absent, totally casual gesture that sets off a flare of heat straight to my core.
“You’ve got nothing to be sorry for, Ivy of wherever you’re actually from,” he says in the languid tone I’m used to. “You’ve at least made recent days a little more interesting.”
He shakes his head, and a hint of the bitterness comes back. “The real problem is that I’m here, and we’re fighting our own kind of war right now, and I still couldn’t win it before innocent people got killed.”
He’s trying to sound flippant about it, but his frustration prickles through. As much as he can be an asshole and an arrogant jerk, I can’t deny how much he cares about the people he meant to spend his whole life defending.
Even though I get a pang of loss when I slip my leg from beneath his fingers, I adjust my position so I’m leaning close enough to him to set my hand on his shoulder.
“It took the whole host of godlen and the All-Giver on top of that to end the first bunch of scourge sorcerers. I hope your ego isn’t so big you expect to equal them. ”
Stavros lets out a bark of a guffaw and turns to me with a flash of his dark eyes. “I suppose it can’t get there with you around to pop holes in it.”
When he looks at me like that, heat sweeps through my entire body. My skin tingles with the awareness of just how little space remains between us now.
It would be ever so easy to lean even closer and—
My body sways, and a jolt of panic washes away the flush of desire.
I jerk myself backward, covering my lapse with a straightening of my skirts as if I’m simply tired of being smothered by them.
Great God help me, I almost kissed him. The man who’d probably laugh while the executioner fixed a noose around my neck.
“It’s been a long night,” I say, keeping my voice as even as possible. “We should probably both get some sleep.”
Stavros hesitates, and for one anxious moment, I think he’s going to ask what’s wrong. Instead, he pushes to his feet. “Of course. I’ll let you get back to it. Don’t let the daimon haunt your dreams anymore. They’re settled down for now.”
I let out a rough chuckle. I’m not going to tell him what I was really dreaming about.
About the first person my riven magic ever killed.
“If they turn up, I’m sure I can simply stab them,” I say, and Stavros echoes my laugh.
I sit still until he’s vanished into his bedroom. My burst of panic has spread into a duller chill of fear that’s wrapping around me.
What the fuck is wrong with me? First I’m mooning over Casimir at the ball, then I’m falling all over the former general?
I enjoyed the impression of having earned his trust. I wanted to find out what it’s like to kiss him.
Just like I wanted to melt into Casimir’s arms and pretend I was the only one he’d want to dance with.
But I know, I know that’s all impossible.
What am I doing here? Running around playing noble while the daimon are bringing the ceiling down on our heads?
My heart’s getting tangled up with men who see me as a vessel for the woman they really cared about at best… And who’ll consider me a monster as vile as the ones we’re tracking down at worst, if they find out the truth.
Fragments of images from the ball flicker up from my memory. The shrieks, the blood, the milling bodies…
The bodies no longer moving, sprawled lifeless on the floor.
Like Linzi. Like my poor little sister, torn through.
By my own wretched hands.
A clammy sweat breaks out down my back. What if that dream was a sign—a warning?
I ruin things. I know that even when I’m asleep.
Have I actually helped the fight against the scourge sorcerers? Maybe I’ve been inadvertently leading Julita’s men astray with my theories and assumptions.
I thought I could write myself a new role as hero, but what did I really accomplish while the daimon lashed out and people died?
The only way I’m not going to ruin everything here is if the men I’ve allied myself with destroy me first.
Or I could just go. I could disappear back into the streets of the fringes, be no one but the unknown “Hand of Kosmel,” and the men would never find me.
Go back to where I belong, where I understand the rules. Leave this entire blasted headache behind.
The chill sinks in so deep I can hardly breathe. I shove myself off the sofa and stare at the door.
It’s that easy. Wouldn’t it be so much better for all of us?
My legs propel me to the door. My fingers rest on the handle, my ears pricked for any sounds of movement in the hall beyond or the bedroom behind me.
A familiar tickle stirs in the back of my head. Ivy? What are you doing?
My heart nearly jumps out of my chest. I jerk my hand back to my side.
“Julita?” I murmur, afraid I’ll bring Stavros charging out of his bedroom. “You’re still there?”
Where would I go? Believe me, there are no other heads around here I’d like to hop into.
A lump clogs my throat. Sudden tears burn behind my eyes, but I don’t know what they’re for. “I just… When I first got back to the room after the daimon wrecked the ball, you didn’t answer me.”
Oh. Is that what happened? Julita’s voice turns abashed. I don’t know exactly what I did. The chandeliers were breaking, and we saw that woman dead, and I… I couldn’t stop thinking about the knife in my neck. The way the blood filled my throat and I couldn’t breathe…
I feel her shudder before she goes on. I suppose I was afraid I’d feel something like that all over again through you.
And somehow I pulled in deeper where I couldn’t feel anything at all.
It was all simply dark, and I didn’t know what you were doing or what was going on out there. Almost… peaceful.
My gut knots at the thought of the horrible memories the daimon’s assault stirred up for her. “I can understand why you’d have panicked.”
It was ridiculous, though. I’ve already been through it once. I’ve had extra time. And I didn’t like not knowing what’d happened to you. I had to come back to make sure you were all right.
“I’m glad you’re all right too,” I say, and discover that I mean it.
And the men? Did they all make it through unscathed?
Julita tries to make the question casual, but a quiver of worry creeps in all the same. My jaw tightens.
She does care about them, no matter what went into her decision to rope them into her cause.
I incline my head. “I’ve seen Stavros, and he said the others are fine too.”
Thank the gods for that. She pauses. It’s the middle of the night now from the looks of things. Where were you going?
I stare down at the hand I set on the door handle, her question ringing through my skull. Her return has shaken my resolve. “I don’t know.”
Am I really going to turn tail and run out of sheer fear? I don’t have any more reason to assume that I’ve harmed Julita’s investigation than that I’ve helped it. Stavros even said…
I close my eyes against the wrench of uncomfortable emotion. That’s what I’m really scared of, isn’t it?
What I want. What I can’t have.
I tip forward to rest my forehead against the cool wood. My pulse hammers on. But I can’t quite make myself reach the handle again.
Coming to the college was never about me, not really. I don’t know if I believe there’s even the slightest chance that the gods would grant me absolution no matter how this turns out.
But there are far more lives on the line beyond just my own. Beyond the few that were lost tonight.
I wasn’t prepared for this task. I don’t know how to be the woman Julita was—and her men wouldn’t want me even if I could fake it.
I do know how to take a stand.
Julita came back. Julita could have floated off into the peaceful darkness she deserves, but she came back to keep fighting.
And to make sure I was okay.
She’s already given her life once to protect the kingdom from the consequences the scourge sorcerers could rain down on us. How can I flee when I barely have a life to give up in the first place?
Maybe I can’t rewrite my story into a hero’s, but I’ll be damned if I let it be a coward’s tale.
With a few slow breaths, I trudge back toward the sofa. I grab the folded blanket off the shelf where it was tucked away and curl up on the cushions.
I committed myself to this course. I’m going to see it through.
Even if that choice is the end of me.