Chapter 42 #2
“Like most gifts, I could only use mine so many times in quick succession before it’d start wearing on me.
I’d be able to see less and less of what was to come, and I’d get a headache and have trouble thinking straight.
Not a good state to be in when you’re leading hundreds of soldiers into the fray. ”
“All gifts have limitations,” Ivy murmurs. “That’s why the godlen hate scourge sorcery—for trying to cheat the natural boundaries.”
“Yes. So I had to moderate how I used my magic when a situation got intense. I had to decide when to look ahead at the enemies’ next moves and when to hold off.
We were clashing with a Darium legion, and I’d already seen them behave exactly as I’d have guessed a few times, so I got cocky.
I assumed there was no need to strain my gift and look again when it seemed obvious how they’d strike at us next. ”
I find myself gripping the stump of my wrist where the prosthetic is attached to its harness. The spot where I gave the sacrifice I then dishonored, for the gift I can no longer use.
“They had a new trick up their sleeve that I hadn’t predicted,” I go on, my voice stiffening against the weight of the admission.
“Before I recognized it and could regroup, they’d slaughtered half of the soldiers I was leading.
Men and women who’d counted on me to guide them through the battle.
One of the Darium soldiers hit me with the blast of magic that scrambled my vision. ”
“But you ended up pushing them back.”
“With sheer brute force and desperation—and the help of some excellent comrades. Nothing I can really take credit for. And then I was done, as I should have been for my idiocy anyway.”
Ivy pulls her legs up onto the sofa to wrap her arms loosely around her knees. “I’m sure you’re not the only general who’s ever had a battle go badly.”
I grimace. “I can’t think of any others who lost their entire usefulness in the field in one swoop.”
“You’re not useless.”
I can taste the bitterness in my words, but is there really any point in pretending it away?
“Useless enough that my king sent me here to simply teach what I was meant to be doing. Useless enough that my fiancé couldn’t stand the thought of marrying a disgraced general and called off the engagement. ”
Ivy’s lips part in shock. “You were engaged?”
“Yes,” I say brusquely. “To the daughter of one of the barony families in Konram’s court.
It wasn’t an epic romance, but we suited each other and liked each other enough that I hoped it would become more of a love match over time.
But I was no longer the man she thought she’d have, and I wouldn’t have wanted to stay with someone who saw me as inadequate anyway. ”
Ivy hesitates. “Last night, when you reached for me in your sleep—were you thinking of—”
I cut her off with a derisive noise. “No. Not really. There was obviously some unconscious habit associated with sleeping next to a woman, and I apologize for that—it’s been nearly a year since I slept next to anyone, and I didn’t think it would affect me.
But I knew who you were from the moment I woke up. ”
I’m not sure the old habits would have kicked in if it wasn’t that I’ve wanted Ivy more than I ever longed to touch Neela, even at the height of our courtship. But I doubt this is the ideal time to mention that fact.
I barrel onward. “That’s not what matters the most, regardless.
What matters is I witnessed your magic in the tower, and all I could see after that moment was the catastrophe I might have instigated.
I agreed to let you act as my assistant.
I missed any signs of what you were. If you lashed out at the students or staff or, gods forbid, wreaked havoc on the royal family right next door, I’d be to blame. ”
Ivy’s voice sounds abruptly small, so painful to hear it might as well be a blade to my gut. “That sounds like a reasonable concern.”
“It wasn’t.” I smack the desk hard enough that the ink pot rattles.
“I was so caught up in how horrible I’d feel, how horrible I’d look, that I lost sight of what I’d already realized.
I have nothing to fear in you. You’d sooner kill yourself than let your power run wild.
You hated even stabbing that wretched false friend who’d already stabbed you. ”
Ivy swallows audibly. “It doesn’t seem as if the riven get a choice.”
“Because they go mad. But I have to assume as you have that they go mad through using their power. Which you’ve been willing to cough up blood to avoid doing. You’d sooner let some lout strangle you than protect yourself with it.”
“I have hurt people.”
“When you didn’t know you could. When you didn’t have a choice. Who am I to judge you for that? Hundreds of people died on the battlefield in one day because of a choice I made, and no one’s ever suggested hanging me.”
I push myself off the desk and step toward her, but the tensing of her stance stops me halfway to the sofa. My hand clenches at my side.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I’ve told you that before, but it never seems like enough. You’ve put so much of yourself at risk to protect this entire country, and I was treating you like a villain. The gods themselves had intervened, and somehow I still thought my honor was the thing on the line.”
Ivy ducks her head. “I never expected you to trust me.”
“But I do. That’s the point.” I dare to take another step closer. “I didn’t say it properly last night. I think you’re the only person in this mess I truly trust. It’s my judgment I’ve never been sure I could count on, and I took that out on you. That’s the real crime I’ve committed here.”
When I refocus my vision on her, Ivy’s expression is skeptical. I reach for the right words to convince her of how much I mean this confession.
“You’re the most honorable person I’ve ever met.
With every act you take, every word you speak, you prove it again and again.
Just now, you didn’t have to tell me about your magic acting up during the initiation, but you did.
You gave Julita credit for helping you master it.
You’ve offered me grace and compassion over the awful things I’ve done even though I had none for you when you’d just prevented a city-wide disaster. ”
“I don’t think you did anything all that awful. And it shouldn’t be all that special just to tell the truth.”
My chuckle comes out raw. “But it is. I think you know it is. Ivy…”
I take another step, bringing me to the end of the sofa. I can’t tell if she’d tolerate me trying to sit next to her, but I hate the sense that I’m looming over her like the brute I’ve acted as.
After a moment’s hesitation, I sink down to a crouch that puts us on eye level. I hold her gaze even as her face goes hazy in my sight.
“You said that Casimir and Alek have compared you to Signy. I don’t think they’re wrong, and not just because of whatever romantic entanglements you’ve gotten yourself into.”
Ivy snorts, but I go on. “If anything, you’re even braver than she was.
You’re facing down an enemy less predictable and more brutal, who could do more harm to this world than the empire ever did, and you’re doing it on your own except for a ghost who can’t offer you anything but her voice.
We’ll stop this threat because of you, whether the rest of the country ever finds out who the real hero was or not. ”
Her voice roughens. “I haven’t been alone. You’ve still been here, no matter how much of an asshole you’ve been in that time. Alek and Casimir have helped.”
“You’re the one riding at the front of the ‘army.’ You’re the one taking the blows.
I would never have asked what you’re doing of any soldier, but you’ve volunteered, again and again, when you had no reason to come to us in the first place other than the selfless generosity you somehow keep dismissing.
It would be my honor to have you as my Signy. ”
Ivy draws in a ragged breath. I hold there, waiting for her response, wishing I could read her face for more than a second at a time.
“You really mean that,” she says in a wondering tone.
I can’t suppress the dry note that creeps into my voice.
“I’m aiming for honesty too. I—I don’t expect anything from you.
You deserve people standing by you who never doubted you to begin with.
I’m only hoping that you can feel safe in my presence.
That you know I’ll only ever leap to protect you, not to hurt you.
I don’t know how much that’s worth when I’ve failed to save so many before, and that was when I could at least still fucking see, but—”
Ivy leans forward and touches my cheek. “Stop.”
The feel of her fingers against my skin arrests me. I blink, trying to make sense of the command. “What?”
“Did you really fail before?” she asks, an unexpected tender note slipping into her voice.
“You froze up when you were a teenager—if we’re not counting my childhood mistakes, I don’t think we should count that either.
During that last battle, the surprise tactics the Darium soldiers turned to—would you have been able to prevent the slaughter if you’d seen their next few actions a minute ahead of time? ”
I think back to the moment when the tide shifted. The sudden blasts of conjured explosions, the wheeling of the cavalry.
“I don’t know,” I have to admit. “It might not have been enough to recognize their full strategy and counteract it. But it could have been. I never gave the soldiers who were relying on me a proper chance.”
Ivy’s hand lingers against my face, the warmth of her touch coursing across my cheek.
“You might have been able to save them. But you also might have seen the signs and adjusted your own approach, and the Darium army would have held off until they were sure they’d take you by surprise.
You might have burned out your gift too soon and missed something even worse. ”
“I can only go by what happened, and what happened—”