10. Jett
10
JETT
J ett was not having a good week so far. Two days after the Sunday lunch and supper with her family, and she had already responded to two dead on arrivals, multiple car crashes, fires, it all seemed to be happening.
She barely had any time to see Riley, and when she even thought about her a lot, her mind was muddled. Jett didn’t know what to think about Riley or how to feel about her.
Things were moving so quickly; on one hand she was okay with that, but on the other hand, it was overwhelming.
Everything was incredible when they were together. There was an ease to every interaction, Jett felt safe with her. And the sex… well the sex was simply mind-blowing in a way that Jett had never experienced before. Jett couldn’t stop thinking about Rileys muscular tattooed body, her masculine energy, her piercing green eyes. She was so damn attractive it was impossible not to want her.
Jett’s family seemed to really like Riley, which was incredibly important to Jett, but she wasn’t sure how Riley felt about them.
After Jett dropped Riley home Sunday, she asked Riley how things went. Riley said that she had a good time, but that she wasn’t used to doing things like that and that she was overwhelmed.
Jett knew about Riley’s upbringing and knew that she didn’t really have much of a family growing up. Jett wanted to give Riley grace and take her at her word, and just accept that Jett’s family was just something Riley would have to get used to, but a nagging feeling kept permeating the back of Jett’s mind.
She was filled with doubts and questions about what they were doing, wondering where this relationship was headed. Riley wasn’t Jett’s girlfriend, but did Jett want her to be? Jett didn’t know.
Throughout the days, Jett barely had time to think about Riley, but when she went home at night, that’s all she thought about. She wanted Riley to get along well with her family and for their relationship to grow and progress, but that idea also scared her.
Jett knew that if she wanted to be with Riley for a long time that she would have to open up and be vulnerable with her, and that was terrifying. She had already told Riley things that she had never told anyone else, but to be open with Riley about her feelings and wants? That was a whole other beast.
It didn’t help that Jett barely saw Riley lately in the hospital. She would occasionally catch glimpses of her as she rushed away in the opposite direction, but the two hadn’t worked together since the week before.
That desire to see Riley at work worried Jett. Was she becoming too dependent on Riley? Jett’s career also meant a lot to her, and she didn’t want a relationship to compromise that, but she couldn’t help but desire Riley whenever another doctor took Jett’s patient in the emergency room.
* * *
Riley texted Jett Wednesday night after Jett finally got home from work after another hellish shift.
Riley: Hey
Jett: Hi
Jett was exhausted and ready to hop in the shower.
Riley: I was wondering if you would like to hang out at my place tonight.
Jett: Not tonight, sorry. I’m tired.
Riley: Okay. Good night.
Jett didn’t respond. She wasn’t sure why, but she knew she was being cold and she felt bad about it, and she just couldn’t bring herself to respond. She found herself starting to distance herself from Riley. Just like she had done in her past relationships that eventually ended in disaster.
Jett didn’t even know entirely why she was doing that, so she just told herself that she was tired, that she would hang out with Riley another time.
* * *
Jett was filled with anxiety throughout the week. She wasn’t sure why, but she kept feeling like something was wrong. It all came to a head on Thursday when Jett was rushing a patient into the emergency room. The doctor that greeted her was not Riley, and instead, Jett saw Riley and Lucinda rushing off together in the opposite direction.
Jett wondered what on Earth could be so bad that it required two trauma surgeons. Why couldn’t one of them be spared to help her? Why couldn’t Riley help her?
The doctor that helped Jett, Dr. Carroll, was good at her job and did everything she could to help Jett’s patient, but the patient still died and Jett couldn’t help but blame Riley. She knew that it wasn’t right and that it was unfair, but Jett’s feelings were all over the place. They weren’t right or fair.
Jett was beginning to wonder if a relationship with Riley was a good idea, if it was sustainable, or if it was just going to crash and burn. She couldn’t deny her feelings for Riley, but they were starting to lead her down some dark and uncomfortable places. Jett wondered if a relationship with Riley was even possible, or if she should have ended it before it turned into disaster.
Jett also didn’t know how Riley felt. Both women had their moments when it came to sharing and exposing themselves, but they also each struggled to convey their emotions. Jett felt like Riley was holding something back. She felt it before the family lunch and supper Sunday, but it got worse as that day wore on.
Jett wondered if Riley had issues with Jett’s family. She had said otherwise, but Jett was worried. Her family was the most important thing to her and she definitely couldn’t be with someone who didn’t respect that or didn’t want that.
Jett didn’t know. She just didn’t know.
* * *
As Jett walked out of the room with Dr. Carroll, both of their heads looking at the ground and a frown on each of the devastated women’s faces, she could hear whispers as she walked.
At first, Jett didn’t hear what they were saying, but after a minute she realized that she was hearing her name and Riley’s name.
Jett looked up and saw a nurse looking at her before she looked away, giggling, and Jett realized what was happening. Her and Riley were becoming hospital drama. Jett froze.
Normally, such things didn’t bother her. Rumors and gossip never really affected Jett before, but that’s because most of the rumors that had affected Jett in her life had been false. Having heard hers and Dr. Parker’s names come out of the nurses’ mouths, Jett knew that at least some things they were saying were true.
Jett’s first thought was Riley. How would she react when she found out that everyone was gossiping about the two of them? Jett didn’t want Riley to be upset or embarrassed.
But then Jett remembered where she was and what just happened. She had bigger things to worry about, like the fact that she had just lost a patient. Jett went to one of the chairs in the hallway of the Emergency Room and sat down before she put her head in her hands.
Jett didn’t know how long she sat there, but it wasn’t very long before she felt a hand rubbing her shoulder. Jett looked up, and it was Riley, looking concerned. Lucinda was next to her, frowning.
“What’s wrong?” Riley asked Jett.
Jett opened her mouth to tell her, but found that she couldn’t say what she meant to. Jett closed her mouth and opened it once again before answering.
“Nothing, I just need to be alone,” Jett said, and then she ran outside of the Emergency Room to the ambulance bay, where she threw up.
* * *
Jett was barely responding to Riley, who had only trying to be kind to her. She still felt the loss of her patient acutely and she still felt nothing but confusion when she thought about Riley and their relationship.
All she was doing was pushing Riley away and she knew that, but at the same time, she just didn’t know how to stop it.
It was Saturday morning, and Jett hadn’t yet asked Riley back to her family’s Sunday gathering, and she wasn’t sure that she wanted to. This time the lunch and supper was going to be held at Jett’s mom’s house, the house that Jett grew up in. Jett was worried that Riley seeing where Jett grew up would be opening up too much.
But, Saturday she got a series of texts from Riley.
Riley: Hey, I’m sorry
Riley: I didn’t know if you wanted me to come to your Sunday gathering
Jett was a little worried at that. She knew that Riley was expected to be there after how much her family had liked her the previous week, and Jett didn’t want to disappoint her family or Riley, but whatever weird stuff was going on in her head was really affecting her, her relationship with Riley, and her desire to be around Riley, even Riley was all she could think about.
Riley: But I can’t make it.
Riley: I’m booked on to run the ER that day.
Riley was giving her a ‘get out.’ Even now, Riley was being kind to her, clearly knowing that Jett was going through something and not wanting to make it awkward for her.
Jett felt sick at her own behaviour.
Riley: It was either me or Dr. Everett to do it, so I volunteered so she didn’t have to.
Jett thought it was cute how Riley always properly addressed everyone, and while at first she was a little relieved that Riley couldn’t make it, she immediately felt guilty. Riley wasn’t able to make it so that Lucinda could come. Riley truly was kind, even if she was brash and reactive sometimes, but the more Jett had gotten to know her, the more she had mellowed out.
Now, Jett was being the reactive one, worried about things that hadn’t even happened yet. The Jett she was in relationships was definitely different sometimes than the Jett she was at work. Jett tried to be level-headed, but Riley made that difficult.
Riley: But maybe we can hang out next week?
Riley: I’m free Tuesday, if you want to?
Jett: Yeah
Is that seriously all you have to say, Jett?
Jett couldn’t believe it even as she text it. Her fingers touching the screen on her phone. Her mind making the decisions, even while she hated herself for them.
* * *
On Sunday, Jett wasn’t too worried about showing up without Riley; she just told everyone who asked that Riley was at work. They were a family of emergency workers. None knew better than them that emergency work most certainly continues on nights and weekends. Her mother was understandably upset—she was always the kind to welcome anyone into the family no questions asked—but Jett was kind of surprised when Hannah equally missed Riley.
Jett hadn’t quite realized how much of an impression Riley had left on her family. Even Natalie had to ask Jett if Riley had put her picture on the fridge like she promised.
“Of course, sweetheart,” Jett said. “I watched her put it up, myself.” In fact, Riley had made Jett stop by the store on the way home to pick up a set of magnets because she realized midway on the drive home that she didn’t have any to hang up a picture with.
Jett had smiled as she helped Riley put her leftovers in the fridge, and Riley made Jett help her position the picture in just the right way.
She had constantly been asking if it looked right or if Jett thought Natalie would like it.
Jett had thought it was sweet, but now her heart clenched. How could she have thought that Riley didn’t like her family?
* * *
“Jett, have you got a minute?” Lucinda asked and Jett knew from the look on her face she wanted to talk in private. Everyone else was busy chatting, they wouldn’t be missed.
Jett nodded and lead Lucinda upstairs to her childhood bedroom. She knew something was up as soon as she saw her Aunt Becky follow them up the stairs.
Uh oh…
When Jett got to the bedroom that was currently being renovated and redecorated so that Jett’s mom had a place for Emma when she came over, Jett left the door open so that Lucinda and Aunt Becky could come inside. Becky closed the door and stood in front of it with her arms crossed.
Jett gulped. She felt like a child being scolded again. She wasn’t sure what she had done wrong, but she was sure they would tell her.
Lucinda was the first to speak. “So the other day Riley asked me if anything had happened in the family. Apparently she was worried because you were barely talking to her,” Lucinda said.
Jett’s heart dropped. They were here to talk about her relationship. And maybe she needed it, but Jett definitely didn’t want to be lectured.
“Of course, I told her that nothing had happened,” Lucinda continued, “but what on Earth is going on between you two? Has she done anything? Has she hurt you?”
“Uh, nothing,” Jett said, but she didn’t sound so sure of herself. “I promise. Riley has been nothing but kind to me. Nothing is going on.” Becky rolled her eyes quietly and Lucinda scoffed.
“I might not see you very much at work, but Lucinda does,” Becky said. “So then, tell me why she’s said she’s hardly seen you and Riley together since last Sunday?”
Jett didn’t have an answer. “I don’t know,” she said. She did care for Riley, she really did, but she wasn’t sure if that was enough.
Becky sighed. “I know you’ve had a hard week, but you can’t neglect people who care about you because of it,” she said.
Jett lowered her head. She was genuinely starting to question if her relationship with Riley could work with her career. Jett deeply cared for her job, but now she found herself having negative feelings toward Riley for no reason because of it, and then there was the hospital gossip.
“Look,” Becky said, “I know how you are. I’ve seen how you handle relationships, and it’s not healthy. You can’t just avoid people when you start to develop too many feelings and you can’t just hide yourself in your career. If Riley has done anything wrong, or you don’t have feelings for her, that is totally fine. But, I see you, Jett. I know when you are running away from something.” Becky’s sharp eyes bored into Jett’s very soul. Nobody knew her, really knew her, like her aunt.
Plenty of people loved her, but it was her ever astute Aunt Becky that truly saw all of her- the good and the bad.
Lucinda nodded. “A career can give you a sense of purpose and it can be something that you love, and that’s okay, but your job will never love you back,” she said. “You need something in your life that you will.”
“Of course, you have us as your family,” Aunt Becky said, “but having a devoted partner can only help you.”
Jett wasn’t sure about that. She knew that opening her heart to new people not only was scary and required vulnerability, but it also required a lot of work. She wasn’t sure that she could do the work, and she was terrified of dedicating that time to someone, just for her to mess it up in the future.
Jett was with Sky for years before they finally called it quits, and she wasn’t sure she could handle that kind of heartbreak again.
“I think your whole life, you are afraid of loving in case you lose them like you lost your father. That kind of trauma never leaves us, Jett.”
Jett nodded slowly looking down at the carpet and picking at the threads on her sweater sleeve. She did miss her dad. Every day. “I just don’t want to get hurt,” Jett said, tears beginning to form in her eyes.
Becky pursed her lips and frowned. “Are you saying that you’re not already hurting?”
That gave Jett pause, because no, she definitely was, and she had been for a long time.
“Let me ask you a question,” Becky said.
“Okay,” Jett said.
“When you’re alone in a room with Riley, do you feel happy? Do you feel safe?”
Jett thought about it. When she was alone with Riley, she certainly was happy. And also, when she was with Riley she felt more comfortable, and she felt like someone else understood her, like she wasn’t as alone as she felt all the time. Because while Jett had her family, there were just some things she couldn’t tell them.
“Yeah,” Jett said.
“Then please, give whatever you two have a chance,” Becky said, “and don’t pull away.”
“Okay,” Jett agreed. She supposed she owed it to herself and Riley.
“Good,” Becky said with a smile, “because Riley’s next day off is Tuesday and I’m taking you off the schedule for that day. Spend it with her.”
Jett huffed. “Oh my God,” she said, but she couldn’t help but laugh at her aunt’s meddling. “Okay.”
Becky laughed and patted Jett on the shoulder. “Good,” she said, “now that that’s settled, let’s go back downstairs.”