16. Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Sixteen
Grady
T he one emotion I couldn’t stomach was guilt. I spent years running from it, dodging it, playing it off, wishing it would disappear in a puff of smoke. Watching Maggie peel away from the curb of my house, guilt latched onto my gut and wouldn’t let go. I went into the house and flicked on the coffee maker, trying to figure out how to calm my unease.
The guilt wasn’t about the signs; I could care less whether Sabrina had taken them. Was it misguided? Yeah. But that was the story of her life. I’d contributed to her series of bad choices last night when I’d caved and let her stay over. We hadn’t had sex, but I’m not sure I was clear about where I stood.
I was going to have to tell her last night wasn’t a prelude, it was the grand finale. When she showed up here, I almost fell back into long-dead habits. Hanging out with her was easy; we had a rhythm, even after all these years. But after the third beer, I’d realized sliding back into a relationship with her wouldn’t be progress, and she wouldn’t solve the ache in my chest every time I looked at Maggie.
Christ, that fucking ache .
It dogged me, made me want to do things I knew I shouldn’t. Desiring her increased my guilt. I was one wrong move away from fucking everything up. If I kissed Maggie, I knew I’d be a goner. There’d be no going back. I’d gladly ride to hell latched to her, savoring all the feelings she inspired. The thought of her was a kind of addiction, worse than any drug I’d ever tried. Being with her would corrupt me, make me throw everything and everyone else aside.
Coupled with that knowledge was the way Maggie had looked at me at the shed. Disgust. Disappointment. Not that I didn’t deserve those. I’d let Sabrina in during a fit of weakness, and then we’d drank enough that she couldn’t drive home. For a minute, any warm body was better than lying in bed thinking about the one I couldn’t have.
The last two weeks, while I sought people for the Small Town Saviors show, Maggie been right there at the forefront of my mind. Explaining that to her was impossible. She might feel the same ache I did, but it wasn’t enough to make her tell me the truth, to bury the past. We’d been around each other enough I was beginning to believe the truth would never surface. Coated over, layer upon layer, and if we couldn’t uncover the past, we had no chance of anything now.
Of course, I’d have to tell Trent the truth if she confessed her part. So many things we’d all left unsaid. These suspended connections were my punishment. I’d been a shitty brother, and I was doomed to the fringes of Trent’s life, and by extension, hers too.
I chugged my coffee and set the cup beside the sink. Maybe I’d go see Trent today. I’d promised Mom I’d try to repair the rift between us, that I wouldn’t let it continue. So far, I’d done little to fulfill my promise. She wasn’t the kind to peer over my shoulder. She’d always had more faith in me and Trent than we’d probably deserved.
Grabbing my keys from the kitchen counter, I pointed to the dog beds so Hite and Zeus knew they weren’t invited. I had the address on my phone, courtesy of Mom. All I needed was gas and a bit of time, and I could start to set things right.
At the gas station, I filled my truck and looked around at the shops which had changed hands or sprung up since I’d last lived here. In some ways, the town was stagnant, and in others, the changes were quite striking. Big-box stores. More houses. Run-down buildings. At least this gas station hadn’t changed. Ed Krakow had owned it for years, but I’d heard Ed had sold it recently. The end of an era.
Opening the convenience store door, my pulse skyrocketed at the sight of the man tending cash. Dan Ramouli. I stared at him for a long time while Dan served the only other customer in the store. Why would he come back to Little Falls? He’d left in a blaze of betrayal. I nodded to the other customer as he left but didn’t move any closer to the counter.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“Grady Castillo. I heard you were back in town. Small-town hero coming home. Such a heart-warmer.” His gaze bored into me. “I bought this place off Ed the other week. How you doing? It’s been a while.” Dan leaned across the counter, a smug smile turning up the corners of his lips.
Not long enough . “I’m surprised Ed would sell it to you. I didn’t think you’d come back here.”
“This is my home, you know. Besides, Trent lives in Utica. What does he care if I’m here?”
“I care that you’re here.”
“It’s all water under the bridge. I never told Trent what you did. You should thank me.”
“What I did? All I did was let you into my house to ‘get something for Trent.’ Then suddenly Trent is arrested, and you’re a key witness in his trial? The only ‘proof’ they had of Trent’s operation came from you and from whatever you stole that night.”
After the morning I’d had, and the realization I’d probably never be with Maggie in any real way, my anger was lit. There was a good chance if this escalated, I might resort to violence. I wasn’t like Trent. Words, not fists, were my weapons. The coiled tension in me needed a release, and I wasn’t sure words would be enough this time.
I’d never confessed to Trent how Dan had gotten the evidence. By the time I’d put the sequence of events together, it had been too late to do anything. Probably from the minute Dan set foot in our house it had been too late. Letting him into Trent’s room ate at me. Each piece of ‘recovered’ evidence had driven into me like spikes to a stake. I’d let my brother down in so many ways.
“I got caught. I made a deal. Trent was a bigger fish. Anyone in my place would have done the same. Six years in prison, man. I wasn’t doing that.”
“You had no problem nailing Trent’s coffin shut.”
“So fucking melodramatic. He’s not dead. He did a bit of time. Lots of people got a record.” Dan shuffled some gum on the counter. “I heard he landed on his feet. Mayor Maggie loved him enough to hook him up.” Dan smirked. “Always felt a bit of envy for Trent being able to bang her while she was still in high school. So fucking uptight, but I bet she was a tiger in the—”
My hand, unattached to my brain, connected with Dan’s face. A satisfying crack echoed through the store, and Dan’s fingers flew to his nose, where blood started to leak out.
Mentioning Maggie had tipped the scales. People couldn’t talk about her like that, especially not Dan. I shook out my hand, flexing it. Now I remembered why I didn’t do that.
Dan chuckled, grabbing some tissues from under the counter. “You feel better? We square now?”
“We’ll never be square. And if I ever hear you talking about Maggie Sullivan like that again, I’ll start pushing so many corporate bylaws down your throat, it’ll feel like you’re gagging on them.” In that moment, I was grateful for the ‘mayor school’ Kelvin had been making me attend during lunch hours at his office. I wasn’t sure I had the specifics right, but the phrasing sounded good.
I was tempted to leave without paying for my gas. But Dan had proven himself a snake once. There was no point in giving someone like him leverage. I threw forty dollars on the counter and left the station without a backward glance.
Too wound up to go to Utica, I found myself on Kelvin’s doorstep. The outside of the gray brick two-story was immaculate with flower beds, and his hanging baskets were still going strong despite the cooling September weather.
“What’s up, man?” Kelvin asked when he answered the door.
“Came for a beer.”
He chuckled and stepped back to let me into his house. We did a lot of our planning in Kelvin’s office or at the train station.
Unlike my place, Kelvin’s house looked like he’d had it professionally decorated. Everything was neutral tones, uncomfortable-looking furniture, and wide-open spaces. I liked the fact my old run-down place had lots of walls.
“Sorry to drop in without calling.” I scanned the room, looking for a good place to sit.
“What’s going on? You seem wound up.” Kelvin waved me into the kitchen.
The white kitchen was blinding, every surface shiny and probably disinfected a dozen times this morning alone. I slid onto a stool and accepted the beer Kelvin offered, even though it wasn’t quite noon.
“It’s been a hell of a morning.” I tipped the beer and chugged it dry.
He chuckled. “Give me the highlights.”
“Maggie showed up and lost her mind over Sabrina stealing her campaign signs and putting them in my shed.”
A choking sound drew my attention as Kelvin tried to keep his beer in his mouth. “You gotta be kidding me. Did you know?”
“Of course I didn’t fucking know.”
“Did you ask Sabrina about it yet?”
I shifted on the stool and avoided meeting Kelvin’s gaze. “She was there when Maggie showed up.”
“What time was this?” He furrowed his brow.
“Too early.”
“Jesus, Grady. Please tell me you’re not fucking Sabrina Kim.”
I held up a finger in Kelvin’s direction. “I am not fucking Sabrina Kim.”
“You know stealing someone’s campaign signs is a felony.”
With a wry smile, I said, “I do know that. Guess who told me?”
Kelvin laughed. “Maggie. If I wasn’t gay, and in a relationship, you’d have a run for your money landing her. She’s fucking brilliant.”
Warmth settled across my chest at Kelvin’s words. The memory of the look on Maggie’s face as we’d stood toe-to-toe outside my house pushed out the warmth, leaving a chill in its place. “She’s not too happy with me.”
Shaking his head, Kelvin took another mouthful of beer and gave me a thoughtful look. “You two need to bang, get it out of your system.”
The temptation to admit we had already been there and done that sprung up, but as far as I knew, she’d never told anyone. Maybe Lila, but I doubted it. The words had never left my lips. “That wouldn’t work.” The last time she’d slithered along me, I’d turned myself in knots avoiding her until she’d fled to Florida. I’d let my anger build a wall between us. My emotional fortress had probably saved at least some of my sanity. Had I been right to be angry with her? Maybe not. The woman I was starting to know didn’t seem like the type to do the things I’d accused her of. But I still didn’t know for sure.
Stoking the ember that glowed between us wouldn’t snuff it out. It would ignite a blaze which would probably consume me whole.
“Screwing Sabrina isn’t going to make you forget about Maggie. You know that, right?”
“Yeah, my dick got that memo from my head sometime last night. Not to worry.”
“So, you came here ’cause she’s pissed at you, and you don’t know how to fix it?” Kelvin shook his head. “Look how far we’ve come, son.” He clapped me on the shoulder.
I slid my empty beer along the granite counter and scrubbed my face with my hands. Was I upset she was angry? All my thoughts were muddled, history and present lives mingling too much.
“I need some advice.”
“Go after her,” Kelvin said.
I sighed. “Beyond Maggie, I need to get Trent back. Going after her isn’t going to bring me closer to my brother.”
“Oh.” Kelvin took a few thoughtful sips of his beer. “In theory, if they were going to start something up, they already would have.”
“Brothers first.”
“Good brothers want each other to be happy. Would you be happy with her?”
“Who knows? I’ve only ever been miserable thinking about her.”
He let out a bark of laughter. “If you’re not sure how Trent will react, maybe ask him?”
“I thought you’d give me good advice,” I muttered. Talking to Trent about Maggie was more likely to cause an aneurysm in one of us instead of a truce. From the minute she’d started coming to the house, Trent had been protective of her. Before Maggie, Trent had gone for girls who wore crop tops and cutoff jeans. Her sweater sets and knee-length skirts had amused me until she’d shown up Sunday after Sunday. The first time she’d tried to call me illiterate, our verbal sparring had commenced. I’d never ever tired of listening to her speak. Pretty, smart, and Trent’s was an absolutely lethal combo for my mental health.
“You and Trent are already pretty far apart. Asking about her can’t possibly push you further away, right? They’re not together. Last I heard, she was dating some banker in Utica.”
A pit formed in my stomach. She was in a relationship with someone? Here I was contemplating all the reasons I couldn’t sleep with her and she was sleeping with someone else. The soul-sucking reality of another thing standing in the way made my head pound. I cleared my throat. “Is that still happening?”
“Nah. I heard she kicked him to the curb just before Lila’s birthday celebration. She never keeps them around for long.” He took a deep breath. “You know your brother better than me. Maybe you’re right to wait until you’ve mended some fences before talking to him about her.”
“I’ll think about it.” I grabbed my empty beer bottle and tipped it from side to side. Lately, thinking had been both a blessing and a curse. Songs bubbled up. I couldn’t quite grasp any of the words or the melody yet. Maybe if the song would come, I could pour some of these feelings into the lyrics, get some peace. At the back of my mind, her name and image were seared. She was a burn which blazed hot below the surface of everything I did.
“Why don’t we plan some of that concert? You got some RSVPs from a few of your industry buddies, right?”
I nodded and sat a little straighter in my chair. “Yeah.”
“I’ll grab my laptop. Be right back.”
A distraction was exactly what I needed. Forget Trent and Maggie for a while and get lost in something I could do.
Confronting Trent, confessing my sins, asking for his forgiveness might be the only way to knock down the walls between us. But I wasn’t ready. The sledgehammer of certainty hadn’t settled into my gut yet.