Chapter Five - 5. The Confession
CHAPTER FIVE
The Confession
For the first night since buying the dildo, I didn’t use it, not in the mood to jerk off. It was hard to fall asleep and when I woke up the following morning, memories of the evening before came rushing back, making me feel exhausted before I even got out of bed.
Eventually, I dressed and dragged myself to the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. Taylor was standing in front of the stove, wearing an oversized shirt. It made him look strangely small.
“Morning,” I said, looking for my bread.
He glanced sideways at me. “Mornin’.”
I looked at the bacon and eggs sizzling on the frying pan. “Not eating brown sludge for once?”
He grunted. “You want some? I’ve got spare.”
Usually, I’d say no automatically. To other people, to save them the trouble. To Taylor, because I didn’t trust him. But something about his tone made me pause.
“Sure. Thanks.” I quit searching for my bread and stood there, then crossed my arms, then uncrossed them, feeling awkward.
If my mum was here, she’d tell me to make myself useful, so I set up the coffee table, putting down cutlery and a plastic jug of water with two glasses. Looking down at it, it looked like a dining table for children.
Taylor brought over two big plates piled with fried eggs, crispy bacon, and thick slices of cooked tomato. We sat opposite each other and began eating.
“How’s your tummy?” I ventured.
“Fine.”
“Can I see it?”
“You trying to perv on me, Archie?” He didn’t even throw in a smirk.
“Yes,” I said flatly.
He let out a long-suffering sigh, but set down his cutlery, and pulled up the hem of his shirt. I sucked in a sharp breath at the ugly purple bruise.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. I deserved it.” Taylor let the shirt drop and picked up his fork and knife, aggressively cutting through a bacon rasher.
We returned to silence. The food was delicious, but I tried to eat quickly, so I could escape the awkwardness.
“Listen,” Taylor began, and that single word made me tense up. “I didn’t mean what I said about Matty. You’re right, I shouldn’t have ragged on him like that. He’s a nice guy.”
“Unlike you.”
“Unlike you,” Taylor snarled, and that was reassuring, the way he was somewhat his normal self. “I just — I was just —”
“What?” I asked, when he wouldn’t continue.
“Jealous,” he snapped. “Obviously.”
“Jealous,” I repeated.
His chest rose and fell with a deep breath, and his fingers were worryingly tight around the knife and fork he held, but when he spoke, his voice was even. “Yes. Jealous.”
Despite my exhaustion, my heart rate started to pick up. “Why?”
“Why? For fuck’s sake, Archie —” he cut himself off, looking physically pained as he suppressed the irritation on his face. He blinked blankly at the coffee table. “Not that it matters. You regret it, anyway.”
“I regretted it the moment you said all that shit to me,” I said to the coffee table.
“I know I should be used to it, right? You’ve been a dick for years.
But there’s a difference between calling me a dumbass, and being —” the word got stuck in my throat, and I swallowed thickly “— cruel.” I pushed a piece of bacon fat around the plate with my fork.
“You humiliated me, and not in the hot way.”
“The hot way?”
“There’s a difference between making me wear a collar as I suck your dick,” I said, “and calling me a stupid, disposable virgin.”
His eyes fluttered shut. “Archie.”
“And you know what?” I continued, ignoring him. “I was still naked. And you were my first. I’d never even shared a bed with someone before and you threw it all in my face and made me feel worthless.”
“I…”
I waited, but he didn’t finish. “What was it, some plan to humble me?” I asked. “I know you don’t like me, but I never thought you’d go so low —”
“No!” He shouted, and we both flinched. He looked like he surprised himself. “No,” he repeated, more softly. He clenched his jaw, then forcibly unclenched it. “I’ve wanted you forever.”
I stared at him.
“I have wanted to have sex with you since forever,” he muttered.
I stared at him some more.
“You really are oblivious, aren’t you?”
“W-what? When?”
“Uh, I don’t know. Maybe think about all the times I stared at you in high school?”
“You— you mean when you were glaring daggers at me?”
“Same thing.”
“You…you really wanted me —”
“Do you think I make up some dumb fucking sex competition for just anyone?” He sounded impatient, angry even, but the pink spreading across his cheeks betrayed him.
“But…why did you say all that stuff that morning?”
“Because!” Pink turned into red. “You accused me of having some crush on you, like we’re in kindergarten or something —”
“Then you could’ve said, no, I don’t have a crush on you, I just want to fuck you. Do you want to do it again sometime?”
“I did offer, yesterday.”
What had he said? I would’ve done it again, if you asked for it. I would’ve helped you out. I would’ve asked for nothing in return.
“Yeah, that was real charitable of you,” I drawled. “I don’t know why you insist on being an asshole on purpose.”
He shrugged a shoulder. “It’s easier to be condescending than…”
“Than what?”
“Than desperate,” he finished. He didn’t look me in the eyes.
“Oh, come on,” I said, rolling my eyes. “We both know I like it when you’re desperate.”
His flush was spreading to his ears. “Okay, you’re the asshole now.”
I laughed. Then I abruptly stopped, not sure what to say because he refused to look me in the eyes and how the hell was I meant to continue the conversation after Taylor fucking King admitted he wanted me?
I couldn’t say I was completely surprised. I still remembered the glazed look in his eyes, that night in my bed, that stupid fucking collar clipped around my neck. But everything he said the next morning made it all dirty.
He wanted me. He’d wanted me for a while. The thought made me feel sort of giddy.
“Thank you for brekky,” I said.
He grunted.
“I’ve, uh…gotta get to class.”
Another grunt.
I stood up and took my plate to the sink, leaving his because he was still going. He’d only eaten half of it. Hopefully our conversation hadn’t messed up his appetite.
Taylor King wants you.
I held up two packets of mince beef. One was three star, the other five. Why was meat being given a star rating? I threw the five star one in my basket, even though it was more expensive. I wasn’t going to cheap out on this.
Taylor King is attracted to you.
I browsed the vegetables displayed in wooden cartons. There were two kinds of tomatoes: the orangey kind, and the ones that were a deeper red, and still had the green stems on. I chose the latter. They seemed fancier, and hopefully tasted better.
So what? You knew he was attracted to you when he fucked you with his massive boner. It’s not a big deal. People are attracted to other people all the time.
Zucchini next.
But he wanted you since high school. He admitted it.
I threw in an onion as well.
Everyone is horny in high school. It doesn’t mean I’m special.
I checked the list of ingredients on my phone, and headed towards the towering aisles of packaged food. I shivered in my shirt and shorts. The campus supermarket always had the air-con on blast.
Think of all the times he was rude to you. He wanted you the whole time.
There was the high-protein pasta. Now to choose what shape. Spaghetti? Angel hair?
He’s rude to me now.
Spirals were probably fine.
He wants you now.
“Never going to happen,” I said, drawing strange looks from the students shopping around me. I quickly walked away, and planted my feet in front of the sauce selection.
If I was honest, I had toyed with the idea of having sex with Taylor again. But as soon as the thought crossed my mind, I remembered how wretched I felt the morning after. Yes, he said he hadn’t meant it, but he’d said those cutting words so easily, and they still hurt, even now.
If I had sex with Taylor again, I’d feel disgusted with myself. I’d feel weak. Like I’d abandoned my self-respect for a moment of base pleasure.
Well, it’d probably be longer than a moment. Taylor would take his time —
Stop thinking about it, the rational part of my brain screamed at me. My dildo was more than adequate. Dealing with an actual person just caused headaches.
But even though I’d dismissed the idea of getting involved with him, he still lingered in the corners of my mind, which was why I was at the supermarket, cross-checking everything I bought with a recipe I’d found online.
I pulled a jar of bolognaise sauce that proclaimed it was ‘gourmet’ from the shelves, and added it to my basket.
I grabbed the last few things for the recipe, then tossed in some ramen and cereal, and after a moment of hesitation, some granola because the Nutella toast I was eating every day was starting to make my teeth hurt.
The dorm was empty by the time I returned. Good. I took out all the food, put the stuff I didn’t need away, then video-called my mum.
“Oh my goodness, what is this? My son, calling me?” Mum said as soon as she answered, her face too close to the camera, as per usual.
“Hi Mum.”
“Is that Archie?” Dad asked, from somewhere in the background. “I thought he’d lost our number.”
“I answer your texts!” I protested.
“I guess he’s been too busy with uni life,” Mum said.
“I bet he’s calling because he wants something,” Dad laughed.
“What’s wrong?” Mum asked, moving into another room. “Everything’s okay, isn’t it?”
“Yes Mum.” I hesitated, because I didn’t want to prove Dad right. “I’m, uh…about to cook dinner right now.”
Mum’s gaze flicked to the top of the screen. “It’s a bit early.”
“I wanted to give myself buffer time in case I make mistakes.”
She smiled. “I can’t believe you cook now. You’re really growing up, aren’t you?”