Epilogue
EPILOGUE
PART TWO
Vallie
I had no idea why I kept coming down here. Some part of me hated myself for it, another part of me didn’t care. Maybe I just couldn’t stand to be around everybody else. Maybe I was sick of pretending I was okay.
Kole was in a cell by himself—I was told all the prisoners had their own in the belly of the spacecraft, but I’d only ever visited him. He was leaning against his cage, his head resting against the back wall as he stared up at the ceiling. I was sitting crossed-legged— outside his cage —by the door.
“Why did you do it?” I asked him.
“I’ve done a lot of things, Vallie. You’re going to have to be more specific.”
I narrowed my eyes. Fine. “Why did you work for the Lux King?”
“That wasn’t really my choice. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I didn’t protest when Synder suggested I was the one to go. But it was before I realized he was a sadistic asshole.”
“You’re an asshole too.”
“Well aware, Valerina. I haven’t done much in my life that was good.”
I scoffed. At least he knew it. “Why were you so mean to Scottie?” I asked next.
“Why do you think?”
“I always thought you had a crush on her,” I admitted softly. I looked down at my feet as I said it, not able to meet his gaze.
He started laughing then. “She’s pretty, but no, I never liked her like that.” I felt his eyes on me, but I refused to look up. I heard him exhale before he said, “I was mean to her simply because I could be mean. There isn’t much more to it than that.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Don’t do this, Vallie.”
“Do what?”
“Search for things. Try to make connections and find reasons to convince yourself I’m a good person because I’m not. You should kill me.”
“I know.”
“Are you ever going to then?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” I admitted softly. When I first started coming down here, that was my intention. I kept telling myself I was working up the courage to kill him, but now I didn’t even bring a dagger with me.
I came here today on my own accord.
I finally looked at him again. He was still staring at me, his brown eyes hardening. “You’re running out of time.”
“Yeah,” I sighed, tilting my head up to look at the ceiling. We were supposed to be arriving on Allium any day now, and I couldn’t even pretend to be excited about it. It felt wrong to live out my brother’s dream, to see everything he worked so hard for come true when he couldn’t be here to see it for himself.
Kole sighed, and I felt his gaze leave mine even as my own eyes were glued to the floor in front of me.
“I still hate you, though. Just because I’m not trying to murder you anymore doesn’t mean I’m not thinking about it.”
He scoffed. “I’m well fucking aware of that, Vallie. You remind me nearly every damn day.”
“Good. I don’t want you to forget it,” I snapped a little too quickly, then I asked, “Why would you let me kill you?” I knew he would. Out of the past six months, I’d been coming down here for five of them. The first two were spent with a dagger in my hand as I stared at him, and I knew he would have let me. I was pretty sure he still would if I wanted to and that realization bothered me because I didn’t. I realized month four that I didn’t want Kole dead, and I hated myself for it. I couldn’t even understand why I didn’t want to kill him anymore.
“Even if you don’t kill me, I don’t have a life here anymore.” He gestured to the cage surrounding him and then at the chains on his wrists. “You’d be saving me from misery.”
“Well, if I have to be miserable, so do you.”
He looked at me then. “You don’t have to be miserable, Vallie. You can have a new life. Start over and be fucking happy.”
I scoffed. It was what everyone kept telling me. Everyone except Kallon. Move on —it was what they all kept thinking, but I couldn’t.
“Everything I ever wanted is gone. I can’t even—” I stopped talking. I could feel the tears well in my eyes. What I was about to say, it was something I never admitted to anyone.
“You can’t have kids,” he finished for me. My eyes flared as I met his gaze. He was already staring at me, watching me. I wasn’t sure if he ever looked away.
“How did you know?” I haven’t been able to talk about it, especially not to Peter .
The only people I could stand to have a conversation with were Scottie and Kole, and it was only because they were both there. They saw everything. I didn’t have to explain. But every time I looked at my best friend, I kept seeing my brother’s face burn off. So Kole became my only option.
“Aside from seeing the two scars Semander gave you across your hips?” He shrugged. “I knew the King wouldn’t have ra— done anything to you without eliminating all consequences, and I’m sorry, Vallie. I’m sorry for everything that happened to you. He never should have touched you.”
I was crying now. “The worst part isn’t that he haunts my past . It’s that he took away my future … I wanted…” I couldn’t finish as the sobs wrecked me. I wanted to be a mother so badly, and now I couldn’t. He took everything from me. He took my twin, the family I already had, and now he took away any chances of me having more. I was alone. And I was empty.
Kole was silent as I kept crying and crying, and once I started, I couldn’t stop. I wasn’t sure how long I sobbed, but at some point my tears dried and my head ached, making it hard to think about anything but the pain.
“I think it’s for the best,” I finally said. I pulled my legs to my chest now, resting my head on my knees.
“Why?”
“Because if I had kids, even decades later, I’m not sure I’d be able to handle it if they had red hair… If they had his hair…”
“You might not see it now, but you’re going to get through this, Vallie—”
“I can’t even look in a mirror, Kole. I can’t stand my own reflection.” If I wasn’t seeing the parts of Miles in me, I was seeing what the King did to my body… “How am I supposed to move on when I can’t even do something as simple as that?”
“It doesn’t matter if your hair is red or if you keep dyeing it black. Fuck mirrors. You don’t need— ”
I jolted as the door to the pod opened, cutting Kole off. I was on my feet in an instant, wiping my tears that were long gone.
My eyes met green ones—Peter. He looked between us, and I knew he was trying to mask a frown. He found out I’d been coming down here a month ago, and instead of talking to me about it, he ignored it. It was driving me insane.
“We’re about to land,” Peter said. His hand was still on the door, and I saw his knuckles turning white. I knew he hated this—hated that I kept coming down here. “I thought you’d want to be with everyone when we do.”
I nodded. I didn’t say goodbye to Kole or even acknowledge him as I followed Peter out.
I could feel Peter glancing at me as we walked up the steel stairs leading toward the rest of the ship. It wasn’t until we were well out of earshot from the dungeons that Peter whispered, “You should stop visiting him.”
I whirled on him. He didn’t want to talk about it for the past month, but now all of a sudden he was going to demand I stop going? He didn’t get to tell me what I could and couldn’t do.
“You don’t control me—” I started, but he cut me off.
“Vallie,” he said gently, “he could be playing with you. He knows he messed up and is probably looking for a way out.”
“He’s not,” I snapped before I even realized it. I wasn’t even sure if I believed it myself. Kole probably was using me, and I was just too hurt to see it or even care.
He reached out, placing his hand on my shoulder, and I flinched.
My heart was beating erratically in my chest, and I couldn’t calm my breathing… I was back in the King’s bedroom, feeling things that weren’t my own…
“Shit,” Peter cursed, immediately pulling his hand away. “I’m so sorry, Vallie. I didn’t mean to… I’m so freaking sorry.”
“It’s—okay.” My voice was trembling, and I think my hands were shaking more .
Peter wasn’t buying it.
He sighed. “If seeing him helps you, then fine. Even if I hate it, I’m not going to stop you. But you shouldn’t do it alone anymore, Vallie. He’s dangerous.”
I didn’t answer him. I didn’t know how. I knew I was hurting Peter, but I couldn’t help it.
He tried to smile, his voice softening. “Come on. Everyone is going to the back of the ship for landing. We need to hurry so we don’t miss it.”
I flexed my fingers at my sides. Breathing in and out slowly before I followed him again.
I glanced at Peter before he opened the door to the back. I wanted to say something to him, but before I could, voices hit me, and I was greeted by everyone.
There was a large window along the length of the wall and an even larger hatch door that I knew was going to open the second we landed.
I gasped, frozen in the doorway. For months and months anytime I looked out the windows all I saw was endless black and a splatter of stars…
But not anymore.
Allium was in view. It was a mix of green and blue and tan and some darker shades of brown toward the bottom. My hand clutched my chest as it ached for Miles.
He did this. He made this possible. He should be here, seeing this…
“I still can’t believe you came,” Kallon said to someone, interrupting my downward spiral. “I mean, I’m happy to see you, but jeez.”
“I’m my own person, Kal,” a female snapped back, and I recognized the voice—I’d trained with her back on Brighta for months.
“Savannah,” I said in disbelief as I turned to look at her. Her lavender hair was pulled into a braid, and she was wearing sweatpants that were too big on her.
“Hey, Val.” She smiled at me.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“Sie made a deal with me.” She shrugged. “So he had to bring me.” The latter rolled his eyes but didn’t comment. Tezya looked half furious, half worried.
“A deal that’s going to kill her,” Dovelyn snapped. The princess had her arms crossed as she stared us down.
“What do you mean?”
Tezya answered for her. “We don’t know if the atmosphere is adaptable to humans.”
“Well, like I said, there’s only one way to find out.” The human grinned, and I couldn’t help but smile back. Other than Kole, she was the only other person I liked being around. She didn’t coddle me or treat me differently, and since everyone knew what I went through—everyone looked at me like I was going to break, but Savannah would say things exactly as they were. I found it refreshing.
“I’m glad you’re here,” I said and meant it. With her here, I could train again. I could have someone else to talk to. I wouldn’t have to sneak around in the dungeons anymore. I could forget about Kole and the past five months…
Savannah winked before turning toward the window. Clouds parted as the ship was starting to sink, and I felt my breath leave me. This was it. The area we were hovering over was mostly green as we sank lower and lower into the atmosphere, into our new home.
I looked at Savannah as soon as the hatch opened. She stepped forward before anyone could stop her.
I watched in disbelief as she stepped into Allium and took a deep breath.