Chapter 22
River
So many things are racing through my head right now. I can’t keep them all straight. I feel sick to my stomach, but I’ve already thrown up everything in me.
“Don’t be sorry, River. Tell me what happened,” Royal says as he kneels next to me.
“I … I was dancing, and then this guy grabbed me. He put his hand over my mouth and dragged me up the stairs. I tried to fight him, but people were laughing. They thought it was funny,” I begin to tell him.
“Then what?”
“We were in the room, and he ripped my shirt open. I yelled for you. I screamed for you,” I cry now as tears roll down my cheeks. Royal looks sick to his stomach, but he swallows hard and watches me for more.
“He came after me, and I saw the gun, so I grabbed it. He laughed at me and said I wouldn’t do it, and he was going to fuck me one way or another, and I …
I just … I pulled the trigger,” I whisper the last words.
Royal doesn’t waste any time pulling me into his arms. He holds me as I shake and tremble and cry on his shoulder.
“I’m sorry,” I cry once more. Royal moves, pulling me back so he can look at me.
“I killed him, River. You didn’t. I did.”
“But I-”
“No! Say it with me. Royal killed him. Say it, River.” I shake my head so much, not making sense of his demand. So many feelings, emotions running through me all at once. I can’t make sense of any of this.
“Say it,” he demands roughly.
“Royal killed him.”
“Good girl. Say it again. Say it as many times as you need to,” he says.
“Royal killed him,” I say once more, although I don’t know why. Why am I saying it? What’s happening? The room spins as I tremble. Royal pulls me back into his arms and holds me tighter than I’ve ever been held before. I melt into him and let him hold me.
I hear the door click shut, and I assume it’s Jeremy coming back in, but I can’t find it in me to care. I’m lost, frozen in place. What did I do?
After what seems like forever and all the tears have dried, Royal lifts me in his arms and carries me to the bed. He lays me down before climbing in behind me and pulling me into his arms.
“Everything’s going to be okay,” he whispers.
“I’m sorry,” I say once more.
“Shh. There’s nothing to be sorry for. This is my fault. This is all my fault.”
“You didn’t …”
“Shh, River. No one is going to hurt you. I got you now,” he says before pressing a kiss to the back of my head. He keeps me tucked into his arms like this as I stare at the wall. I don’t know what to do or how to feel. I don’t know what to say.
I don’t know how long we lay here for, but I can feel his breathing even out. I shift and slide out of his arms before standing and walking toward the window. I see the cigarettes sitting on the table and grab one, lighting it up. Then I drop into the chair and pull the curtain back slightly.
“You okay?” I hear Jeremy ask, but I don’t look over.
“No.”
“You will be.”
“I killed someone.”
“No, you didn’t.”
“Yeah, I did,” I say softly. “And I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel.”
“Everything is going to be okay, River. Royal isn’t going to let anything happen to you,” he adds.
“I’m scared.” Now more tears fall down my cheeks.
“We have your back, River. You’re going to be okay. Whatever you need, we’re here.”
“How do I go on knowing what I did?” I ask him, needing to know.
“You let it go. It wasn’t your fault. Let Royal help you.”
“He can’t take the blame for this,” I say.
“I already did.” I hear Royal’s voice, and it sends a shiver down my spine. More tears slide down my cheeks as I look out the window. Royal walks over and takes the cigarette from my fingers and brings it to his lips, inhaling.
“This is it. Whatever you need to say and get out, do it now, River. After this, we’re done talking about it. I killed him. End of story.”
“I can’t let you take the blame.”
“You’re not letting me do anything. I said I killed him. I shot him in the fucking head. He’s dead because of me. Now let it fucking go, River.”
“How?” I scream this time, shoving out of my chair. “How do I let it go?” Sobs rip from my chest when he passes off the cigarette to Jeremy and moves toward me.
“You just let it go. You erase that shit from your mind. You remember me taking the gun and pulling the trigger. That’s all there is to it. Just remember me doing it.” His hand comes up to cup my cheek, and I lose it. I slam into him, clinging to him like my life depends on it.