Chapter Thirty
T here was no sleep to be found. Once Luke left, I had no more distractions.
Every time I closed my eyes, the only things I saw were Liv’s French manicured hands pressed into Zack’s neck.
And I had no fucking idea what to do about it.
Were it anyone else, messing around with anyone else, I’d tell her off, talk shit behind her back, and it would just be another day.
Liv was a wildcard though. She was the only person I knew who might be crazier than me, and it could get very…
messy. Not to mention my ego couldn’t take anymore.
Or my heart, if I was being truthful. As of late, Liv was my closest friend.
Courtney would always be my best friend, but it wasn’t the same as seeing each other every day and sharing in the moments like I did with Liv.
It just fucking hurt to know that she could do this to me.
Various scenes played out in my mind’s eye—some that ended in blood, and others in tears, but I had yet to find a solution that made me feel any better.
The worst part was that no matter how pissed off or hurt I was, I still didn’t want my friend, or ex-friend, or whatever she was, to get hurt by that sociopath.
The pillow went from under my head to over my head to on the floor maybe sixteen times before I gave up on sleep.
V : I can’t sleep.
LUKE : Well, I can. It’s three a.m.
V : Yes. You can see the problem.
LUKE : I can. You woke me up.
V : What do I say to Liv tomorrow?
LUKE : Oh. I don’t know. This is really girl territory. Do you want me to try to talk to her?
V : Ugh, no. I’ll deal with it. Goodnight .
LUKE : Night V.
Despite the hour, I made the call I should have made many times before.
“Hey, are you okay?” a sleepy voice answered.
“Yeah. And no. I’m so sorry to wake you up, I just didn’t know who to call.”
“You always call me. That’s the solution to that predicament.”
“You can’t possibly use a fancy four syllable word in the middle of the night.”
“It’s not that fancy. If I were really awake, I would have gone with quandary first.”
“I sort of made a mess of my life.”
“Well, start talking then.”
I took a deep breath and tried to pour as much of my Zack saga as I could stomach without giving away the actual physical nature of the pain he inflicted. It was also possible I tried to downplay my own stupidity in rushing into sleeping with him.
Three breaths later, I had somehow spit out a jumbled-up mess of words that I sincerely hoped my friend could decipher so I didn’t have to repeat any of it.
“I really am not fond of this Zack ,” she finally replied after too many moments of silence.
“Yeah. I get that.”
“Why didn’t you tell me any of this was going on, V?” Her tone was soft, but it still induced guilt.
“I don’t know.”
“Liar.”
“I didn’t want you to know I was this weak.” My voice broke at that admission. It was a hard one.
“I could never think that. You’re a force of nature, V. Fire, mostly. I’m more like water. It’s why we work.”
I smiled at that. It was the truth. Courtney was levelheaded and deep, though there was a quiet possibility that she could turn into a hurricane if someone pushed her far enough.
I was simply always blazing forward with no thought to what lay before me or the destruction I’d cause… most of the time to myself.
“Please tell me what to do.”
“Well…I don’t know Liv, but I think even if you can’t be friends with her, you owe her the story you just told me.
If you walk away at that, at least you tried to spare her from living the sequel.
What she did was unconscionable, but I think it says a lot more about her than it does about you.
If you’re happier now, with this other Luke person, then don’t let them drag you back to unhappy. ”
“You make it sound so easy to be calm.”
“Eh, I just have an expensive therapist. It’s way easier to give advice than follow it, though.”
I was such an asshole. Courtney had a rough go of things before the start of the school year, and while she was doing better now, I should have been calling to check on her more, not just unload my bullshit onto her.
Excellent friend-ing skills .
“How is therapy? How are you feeling?” I asked softly.
“Fine, fine. We’re not talking about me.”
I sighed. She was good at deflecting, and it was late, so I let it go.
“So, you’re telling me to take the high road.”
“I suppose I am.”
“I’ve never been there before,” I joked.
“The view is nice.”
“I’ll talk to you later.”
“You sure as hell will. I gotta know how this one ends.”
Once I finally got up, Sunday passed quietly in a boring mess of homework, laundry, and a little bit of stewing over the whole debacle that was my weird ex-non-boyfriend/ex-non-best-friend love equation.
Okay, it may have been a lot of stewing, but at least talking to Courtney had given me some perspective.
I would try to keep my temper in check and wash my hands of the whole situation.
If I’d had any doubts about Liv’s guilt, they certainly disappeared by Sunday night when I hadn’t heard from my friend all weekend. The vindictive side of me wanted to call and trap her in a lie, but I resisted.
Walking onto campus on Monday, that same resistance was crumbling like the delicious piece of coffee cake I’d convinced my mom to pick up that morning.
Just crossing the parking lot was enough to rile my anger in looking at the location where Zack had hit me.
I tried to focus on the image of him lying on the pavement instead.
Deep breath in, deep breath out. Now you sound like Courtney , I realized with my mantra chanting.
At least the new outfit was working for me. Purposefully, I’d purchased a replacement purple dress. This one was much more modern with a sheath silhouette and long sleeves, which I’d paired with gray boots and a long silver chain.
The rest of the hallway chatter faded away when I caught a glimpse of long red hair in the distance. My footsteps matched my heartbeat, but when I came up behind her, it was like breaking the surface of the water after being submerged. My brain began working again.
“Walk with me,” I murmured, linking my elbow with Liv’s and pulling, perhaps with more force than was necessary.
“Ohmygod you scared me. What? Where are we going? Class starts kinda soon, and why are you holding onto my arm? Is this a new dress?”
I continued calmly until we reached the small courtyard outside. Once there, I released her arm and flipped around dramatically.
“I’m going to pretend for the next five minutes that we’re still friends. Then I’ll walk away, and you can do whatever you want.”
“What does that even mean ‘pretend we’re still friends’?” Liv’s eyes narrowed considerably.
“It means that I know you were making out with Zack on Friday. Super classy since I was actually waiting for you to give me a ride home.”
“What are you talking about?” This was posed more as a statement than a question, but I figured I’d respond anyway.
“Well, usually making out refers to when two people have their tongues shoved down each other’s throats.
Perhaps there should be a different word for it in this case, being that it was such a shitty thing to do to your friend.
” I stared her down, looking forward to whatever she came up with as a response.
“This is ridiculous, I’m not going to stand here and let you call me a slut,” Liv spouted off, turning on her heel to leave.
“I’m noticing you didn’t deny it. And if I were you, I’d wanna hear what comes next.”
Liv took a breath and turned back around, her eyes refusing to meet mine, and her arms crossed defensively across her chest. I let out a shortened version of my story in a hushed tone, ensuring no tempted ears could hear us.
“I’m telling you as someone who’s been your friend for the past three years, do not get serious with this guy. I don’t want him to do to you what he could have done to me.”
The tears forming behind my eyes were kept in check, and I felt assured I’d done my due diligence in trying to warn her. There was nothing left for me to do.
“I don’t really think that he hit you, Vanessa,” Liv hissed before she began to walk away.
“And I don’t really think that Friday was random , Olivia . You couldn’t stand it that he picked me, and I think you jumped at that chance once I told you it was over. Happily, I don’t give a shit anymore. I was trying to do you a favor, and now I’m done. Enjoy my leftovers.”
I allowed my lips to turn into a small smirk as I clicked the heels of my boots extra loudly on my way back into the building .
So, there was a small detour off the high road, but really?! She is such an idiot .
Even as the thought formed, I knew others had probably contemplated the same about me when I was following Rhodes around like he walked on water. Now I wished I could hold him under it for a while.
As I strode down the hallway back to my own class, my breaths were easier, my posture straighter, and my steps lighter.
I hurried around the corner, adjusting the silver bangles on my wrist, and ran smack into the last thing I could handle seeing—which was Luke with his arms around a very excited mousy-haired girl.
She looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn’t place her.
Any sense of pride I had about taking the high road with Liv tumbled straight down the rocky cliff with me to the low road.
My brain shut off, and I picked up my pace.
He didn’t see me coming, and though he was no longer touching the anonymous female, there were too many thoughts of murder, or at least maiming, running through my head to form a coherent sentence, let alone something witty and biting.
Instead, I breezed past them both, and in doing so let my foot connect with the metal trashcan in my path. It clanged loudly, which was better than what would have been unleashed if I opened my mouth.
Most people around us ceased in their chatter as I walked on, tilting my chin up to combat the anchor in my stomach. How could he do this too?
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” I heard his voice coming up from behind me. I just stomped on into my algebra class, acting as though it were normal for me to be there ten full minutes early. He reached for my elbow, and I put all of my weight into wrenching it away.
“Do.Not.Touch.Me,” I hissed through clenched teeth.
“Can you explain to me what is going on, like, at all? If this is about— ”
“You are worse than both of them, because you pretended to be better.” I took in a gulp of air and whipped my hair around to stalk to my seat before he could see the tear leave my eye.
“I guess I will attempt to talk to you when you’ve returned to reality,” he muttered after me, leaving the room. I squeezed my eyes shut and took long, deep breaths to steady myself before having to suffer through this god forsaken day.
Fortunately, there was no lab scheduled in bio, and I was able to convince Professor Lessing that I’d ripped a contact that morning and was completely blind. He allowed me to switch seats with a guy in the front of the class, meaning I could feel Luke glaring at me the entire time.
“Vanessa,” he began as he caught me on the way out the door.
“I was crystal clear earlier. Go away. I’m not going to look like an idiot, again ,” I added more quietly.
“The only thing I can come up with that you think I did was talking to—”
“It’s worse when you pretend,” I got out with a straight face, but I swallowed back the lump in my throat thinking about him laying on my lap and watching The Little Mermaid . There had to be something wrong with me for guys to keep running to other girls.
“I’m not pretending anything. Do you think you could let me finish a sentence, or are you committed to just being mad for no reason?” His green eyes showed legitimate concern, and if I wasn’t mistaken, a little bit of hurt.
Good , I thought. I needed to hurt someone back.
“I’m pretty committed, and I’m sort of all talked out for the day. Maybe go find your new friend to converse with, she seemed very interested.”
“I mean, she is my friend. And if you’d have a whole ass conversation with me, you’d realize that you’re being completely ridiculous.”
With the last of my willpower, I stormed to the women’s restroom and let my backpack fall to the floor. I leaned over the sink, unsure if I was going to cry or throw up or break the mirror with my fist.
What a waste of a great outfit , I told myself miserably into the mirror. Trying to push away the onslaught of emotions confronting me, I shook out my hands and rubbed my lips together, hoping that my control returned.
Zack with Jenna, Zack with Liv, Luke with Girl X , I repeated.
No amount of breathing could stop the slow trickle of tears down my cheek.
It wasn’t even clear who I was crying over.
It might not have been any of them, but more the loss of my former self.
Where had the girl gone who didn’t take shit from anyone, who couldn’t help but laugh at girls in the bathroom crying at lunch, and who definitely wasn’t alone when she had a problem?
The reflection staring back at me was someone foreign, and I wasn’t fond of her at all. She let people hold her back and walk all over her.
“Suck it up,” I spoke aloud to myself. I managed to fix my eyeliner and swipe some lip-gloss onto the plastered smile I forced to my face.