10. Was that a Breakup?
CHAPTER 10
Was that a Breakup?
Rez
A s everyone discusses the Princes of Hell, my mind focuses on the photograph that’s burning in my grasp. What does it mean? Who were those people holding me? Where were my mother and father? Maybe I’m just jumping to conclusions here. I didn’t stand there and really take a close look at the baby, scrutinizing if it looked like my other baby pictures.
But why else would someone have Nerezza embroidered on my first baby blanket? I still have that blanket back home. It was one of the few things I packed up and took to New Orleans when my mother died.
“Rez?” Levi rubs my shoulder before giving it a hard squeeze, and I look up to find the room staring at me as if they’ve been calling my name for a while. Oh shit.
“Huh? Sorry,” I apologize. Sitting up straight, I push a strand of loose hair behind my ear.
‘ What’s wrong Rezzi-bear? You’ve been comatose this entire time,’ Lynx points out, and I just sigh.
‘I don’t even know how to explain it, but I’m here now,’ I reassure Lynx as I squeeze Levi’s hand and say thank you. Feeling overwhelmed and needing time to process all of this, I decide to put my personal issues aside and get my head in the game.
“So I guess we might as well get everything out and in the open, huh?” I start.
“What do you mean?” Knots asks, and I’m glad he’s the one asking because I’ve been meaning to address his condition down here in Hell since we’ve found a loophole.
“I mean, we’re in a pickle,” I say, leaning back and moving the picture under my hand and out of sight. Just the thought of it makes my stomach clench. I don’t want to accidentally get a glimpse of it, but I feel Levi and Lynx’s gaze go to it. “Lennox stated that being here is like being back at Purgatory, so you’re not feeling the effects of Hell,” I say, pointing out the facts and hoping my man doesn’t blow up at me.
Knots squints in my direction and clenches his jaw as he shifts his weight. “Rez.” His warning tone is all I need to know that he’s seeing where I’m going.
“Knots. This would be?—”
“NO!” he grinds out and takes a step toward me.
“What’s going on?” Moni asks, shrinking down to her two-inch self and flying around, spreading dark gray dust around the pillows. That’s new. Since when did she become a dark version of Tinkerbell? Chester frantically reaches for her and draws her back to his lap.
“Rez thinks Knots should stay here alone and heal,” Chester tells Moni.
Damn, way to call me out.
I swallow the lump in my throat and try to quickly put myself in his shoes, but I’m terrified. In L.A.M.B.’s residence, we had no choice, but here…with Lynx’s parents, Knots has a chance to heal and wait it out until we open the portals.
As Knots approaches, I stand up, dropping my picture in my seat and putting my hands up to stop his advancement. If anything, I should be happy that he even has the energy to exert this much without feeling the need to rest.
“Please, Knots. I need you to see it from my point of view, at least, before you completely put your foot down,” I plead with him.
“I’m already feeling better, and you will need me down there, Rez. You are my responsibility.”
“Is that all I am to you?” my voice chokes out, and both of us go completely still. My jaw drops from the words that just spilled from my mouth as I take in Knots’ wide eyes and shocked expression. I’m sure it’s a mirror image of mine.
Where the hell did that come from? Maybe I’m just thrown off from finding the picture. Yeah…that has to be it.
“I…I’m sorry. I don’t know where that came from,” I rush to get the words out.
Knots blinks slowly as he takes one step back and then another.
“Knots, I didn’t mean that,” I say, moving toward him, but he gives me a flat gaze before he turns and quickly walks out of the room.
A sudden coldness hits me in the core as to what just happened clicks.
Shit.
‘KNOTS!’ I scream and run after him. I quickly catch him in the hall and step in front of him, blocking his retreat.
“Please,” I beg. Tears start burning behind my eyes as I look up at him and grab his arm. He refuses to meet my eyes, and the muscles underneath my hands are rock hard, proving he’s pissed or more or less hurt. “We need to talk and try to understand each other,” I try once again to make him listen to me.
Before I know it, he grabs my arm and pulls me into the room we’re next to, which happens to be the gym. He drags me to the back corner, where there are free weights and a weight bench, and deposits me in front of it.
“Sit,” he demands, and without question, I plop down with my hands between my knees. Knots begins pacing back and forth while my stomach twists as I watch him run his fingers through his hair.
“I have never been so irate than I am right now.” His words are barely a whisper. I’m not even sure he meant for me to hear it.
Putting on my big girl panties, I lick my lips and try to start this off reasonably.
“Knots, you have to understand?—”
“NO!” He growls, spinning on me and grabbing the edge of the bench, barely leaving any room between our breaths. “You. Don’t. Understand. Rez.” His words almost cut through me as a flame ignites in his eyes. With his wings flared behind him, he almost looks like an avenging angel, and I’m his charge. He pushes off once again and goes back to pacing. If I didn’t know better, I would say he’s channeling the rage aspect of a shifter. “My job. My life. My sole existence is to be a protector, Rez,” he starts, and I bite my tongue so I don’t remind him that I was in his flashback. I saw his push out of heaven and know all of this already.
“Being a Guardian will always be a part of me,” he confesses, and I feel myself agreeing with him. “But it kills me that you don’t understand that. You won’t accept that part of me.”
Wait. What?
“No. That’s?—”
“Oh no,” he turns and snarls at me. “You don’t get to talk. You get to sit there like a good girl and listen.”
Why do those two words give me goosebumps? Now is not the time to realize I have a praise kink and get turned on.
“I’ve been a Door Knight for as long as I can remember. I’ve protected my wards ranging from practical jokes to attempted kidnappings over the years. I’ve been the silent sentry to the ear someone needed to vent to, but all that changed this year. It all started when I was assigned to JP and Moni at the last minute, and then you came along with that useless hairball and changed my life,” he explains, still pacing back and forth. “Even before you freed me from my door, you treated me more than a useless entity. You actually talked to me and treated me like the person I used to be.” He turns and finally looks at me.
“Do you know how rare that is? Most people, like Emer and—what do you call them…oh—those damn Harpies yell and demand things and go on their merry way. But not you. No, you, JP, and Moni asked, talked, and treated me like I was part of the family.” His voice cracks, but he quickly hides it as his jaw clenches once again.
The pregnant silence is almost suffocating me. I play with my bottom lip before opening my mouth until I catch Knots’ subtle shake of his head, indicating not to. So, I sit and wait in the uncomfortable stillness.
“It wasn’t until I was pulled to Hell that you changed and expected me to change with you. I’m telling you right now that’s not going to happen.” He arches an eyebrow, and I take that as my moment to finally say my part.
“Well, in any relationship, you have to give and take Knots, and your predicament has changed, so, therefore, we both have to,” I say, standing up.
“I didn’t ask to get pulled down here.” He throws his hands in my face and raises his voice in anger.
His words are a slap to the face as I sway slightly on my feet.
“But apparently the Fates had a different plan and put me on this fucking path.”
I pull away from him slightly to think clearly. When I first found out that he was experiencing negative reactions because I pulled him here, I was horrified that it was all my fault, that he secretly blamed me, but he assured me that wasn’t the case. But here now, I’m speechless.
No, I take that back, I’m fucking pissed. Why is everyone fucking lying to me? “So this is all my fault?” I choke out. I’m holding back tears, but I’m not sure if it’s from anger or sadness.
“I didn’t say that,” he raises his voice, his face becoming red.
I let out a nervous laugh. “You didn’t have to, Knots. The only fucking reason I’m all over your ass about taking it easy or resting is because I know it’s my fault. I feel like shit every time I see you struggle. I know I’ve hurt you when I selfishly pulled you here. Don’t you see that?”
We’re at the point that we’re yelling at each other, and I’m sure our voices are probably carrying back to the damn library and probably to the point Lynx’s parents can hear us, wherever they are.
“Why are you so fucking pigheaded that you can’t see I’m trying to protect you?” I grind my teeth and make fists, imagining punching him.
“Why can’t you see I don’t need your protection? It’s my job to protect you. That’s the only thing I’m good at. I just want to be your protector,” Knots proclaims.
My body physically jerks as if he just sucker-punched me, and my clenched muscles go limp. Just my protector? As in, he doesn’t want to be with me anymore? If a heart can die and shrivel up from heartbreak, this would be the time for it. I don’t want to force anyone to be with me. That’s not love, so if Knots wants me to stop and treat him like a protector…well then, who am I to deny him.
“You think that’s the only thing you’re good at? Well, I once thought you were good at being there as a friend and loving me. But if all you care about is being my protector, then so be it. From here on out, you can be our protector, and I’ll stop fighting you. But just know that everything I did for you, Knots, was out of love. Can you say the same?” I spit out as I walk past. I try to shoulder-check him, only to bounce off him with an oompf.
Fuck.
Tears quickly race down my cheek, but I roughly wipe them away as I walk back into the library room, where it’s deadly quiet.
“Well…” I say, making my way back to the sofa.
“Best soapy opera ever!” Moni says, lifting her hand up for a high five. “I could hear everything. No super hearing needed.”
“Not what I was going for, Moni, but glad I didn’t disappoint,” I say, not leaving her hanging but feeling conflicted about what just happened.
Did we really break up? He didn’t even come after me and tell me I had the wrong idea about him only wanting to be my protector. I was hoping I was overreacting and he would attempt to set me straight, but apparently, I’m not aligned with the fucking signs. Well, fuck it, I stand by what I said. I’m not going to force someone to love me. I’m better than that.
I get back to my seat and look for my picture, but it’s gone.
“Looking for this?” Levi holds up the picture between two fingers.
“Yeah, thanks,” I say, taking it and my seat. Since the cat is out of the bag, I give in and look at it once again while Levi leans in.
“Do you know anyone in this picture?” I ask.
“What picture?” Moni asks, and the others in the room get up and head over to see what I’m looking at. Since everyone is crowded around the sofa, it makes it easy to see Reaper running to Knots when he walks back in.
“Yeah, the guy in the picture is Delvin. He’s the same guy that you saw in the flashback with my father,” Levi explains, pulling my attention back to him.
‘Umm. No, that’s not right,’ Lynx says, and I pause momentarily, curious what he means by that.
“What?”
“Yeah. I think I would know Delvin. He’s been one of my idols for years,” Levi continues, mistaking that I’m questioning him instead of Lynx and answering again. To lessen the blow, I squeeze Lynx’s knee as I turn my attention to Levi.
“Really? I guess I wasn’t really paying attention to the side characters of the flashback,” I admit sheepishly. “But I think I would have recognized a platinum-blond man with striking green eyes before,” I say, shaking my head. “I’m just trying to figure out why he’s with me in this picture.”
“Wait, what?” Ryker asks, leaning over the back of the sofa and grabbing the picture out of my hands. “Where are you?”
“Who said Delvin was blond?” Levi asks.
Flabbergasted, I decide to tackle one question at a time. “Well, first of all, look at the blanket. That’s my baby blanket, and it even has my name on it. I’m not sure how many Nerezzas you’ve met before. And what do you mean about Delvin not being blond?” I reach back and grab the picture back from Ryker. “Mr. Grubby hands,” I tease under my breath.
“You weren’t complaining a few minutes ago.” He smiles as I roll my eyes.
“See, look.” I point to Delvin. “His short blond hair. How can you miss it?”
The room goes quiet, and Lynx tries to get my attention again, but I’m too focused on Moni as she floats in front of me, blocking the picture with her preferred height.
“Are you okay, bestie? Did you hit your head? Did Knots do something to you?” she accuses.
“Hey, I didn’t do anything,” Knots protests, meeting everyone’s eyes but mine. Then again, I’m not really looking at his face, only his stance. He doesn’t look upset at all as he walks over with a wiggly Reaper in his arms to take a look at the photo. His nonchalant attitude only drives the knife deeper into my heart, adding a layer of concrete to the void he once stood in only ten minutes ago.
“First of all, Door Knob, get your filthy hands off of our Reaper. You don’t deserve the honor to hold him anymore.” Lynx’s loathing expression for Knots doesn’t relent until Reaper is on the floor again. Knots doesn’t respond beyond a narrowed glare, but if they’re communicating through their link, Lynx ignores him because he dismisses Knots by turning his focus back to me. “And second, Rezzi-bear, the guy in the photo doesn’t have blond hair,” Lynx finally says out loud, returning to our conversation. “He has black hair and light gray eyes, like you. Third of all, I’ve seen him in pictures before,” Lynx admits. “Do you really see something else?” Lynx asks, looking concerned.
“Wait. What do you mean, you’ve seen him in pictures before,” I more or less demand instead of question.
“Rezzi, don’t you remember showing me all your pictures back home of your parents and you?”
I scoff and give him the sign to hurry and get to the point.
“Holy shit, you must have hit your head recently,” he mutters, but everyone can hear him. “Rez, that’s your dad standing with you,” he points out.
“No,” I insist, continuing to stare at the picture. I don’t see my father in this, only this stranger that apparently my family felt comfortable with to allow me with them, at least for this picture.
“Is there a chance someone altered your memories?” Levi asks, trying to be helpful.
I shake my head vehemently. “No. The only ones I know that were in my head were your mom and Murmur, and that was to unlock the block that was on my powers.”
“Wait!” Zeke shouts, and all eyes fall on him as he blushes. “Sorry. I just thought of a time someone had the opportunity, and you wouldn’t have even noticed.”
“Well…don’t keep us in suspense,” Knox growls.
“Delvin,” Zeke continues and points at the picture. “He was there at your interrogation when you first came to Purgatory. What was to keep him from doing something to you while you were breaking through his spells? He might have done something to you.”
“You do have a point. If he had already made the initial connection with her, it would have been nothing to twist his image in her mind of him. But that just brings up another question as to why,” Levi points out.
I let out a frustrated sigh and lean back against the sofa, letting the picture fall into my lap.
“Why can’t people just stay out of my head? It’s hard enough just being me without the extra layers,” I moan, not truly believing what the others are saying. If that’s really my father in this picture, why is he hiding from me?
Knots picks up the picture to get a better look, and I’m still raw with how to feel around him. I’m frustrated and angry, yet extremely sad that we just can’t see eye to eye on things. But I said I would let him do his thing, and I’ll keep my word even though it’s already slowly ripping me apart inside.
“I don’t know who the man is, but no one could forget Liliwen after meeting her,” he states, setting the picture back in my lap. “That’s who’s in the picture.”
“Who?” Lynx asks.
“The Fate that died.”
Fuck me, no wonder I have the Fates on my ass.