16. With a Clear Head
CHAPTER 16
With a Clear Head
Knots
R ed encroaches my sight as Rez ducks below my arm and slips inside the church. Try as I might, a growl escapes me as I follow her inside. She’s begging for me to bend her over my knee and spank the brat out of her, especially after that last trick with Baron.
No more than two steps into our sanctuary, and suddenly, my head spins, causing me to steady myself against the door frame.
Well, that’s different.
Lynx’s parents had mentioned that their house, along with the safe houses, would alleviate the effects of Hell on my body. And so far, that has held true. But this one is different, more powerful. Maybe it’s the fact it’s a church and the first time I’ve been in one since…well…I was pushed out of heaven.
Blinking my eyes to clear my vision, I find Rez standing before me. Her hands are on her cocked hips, and I can practically feel her annoyance rolling off of her. “So, what did you want to talk about?” she says with a sarcastic tone.
There’s a part of me that wants to push her up against the wall and prove I can shut her smart mouth with my own, but I’m sure that’s the effect of the lust we just walked through. Instead, I bite down hard on the inside of my cheek until I taste blood and nod to the pews inside the sanctuary.
She lets out a sigh but follows me as I walk in and lean against one of the aisles, feeling the need to lean against a support. Rez hops up on the closest pew and stretches out so her feet reach the one before her. I arch an eyebrow in her direction, and she mimics the movement. Annoyed, I gently push her feet off the back of the pew. “It’s disrespectful,” I tell her as I fully turn to face her.
She scoffs and rolls her eyes. “You think I care after the way they treated you,” she says but doesn’t put them back up. “Then again,” she takes a moment to look me over from head to toe. “Maybe they knew something about you that I don’t.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I counter, crossing my arms over my chest.
“Never knew I had to be the one to spell it out for you, but you’re not yourself, Knots. You’ve changed. It’s?—”
“Is that why you felt like you had to trick me to help Zeke get out of there?” I can’t help but lean into her space and cut her off. It’s getting under my skin that she didn’t feel like she could ask me to do my fucking job.
“As a matter of fact, yes. If you’d stop being an asshole and listen, I’ll tell you. It’s as if this place”—she waves her hands wildly in the air before flinching slightly, successfully making me step back—“has changed you.” Did she get hurt, and I missed it? I quickly scan her body, but she stands up and steps up against my chest, blocking my view of her. “Is this a side effect of you being down here?” she asks, cocking her head and staring at me.
I clench my jaw and step away from her, my ears starting to ring. “Look, I’m sorry that you felt you needed to trick me to help get Zeke to safety. Next time, just ask me. I’m still me…I haven’t changed. I just asked you to allow me to be me, that’s all,” I say, walking past her and back toward the front of the church.
“Where are you going?” she calls out.
She’s obviously okay if she’s still this feisty and up for a fight. I don’t want to get into it with her again, and talking right now while I’m still seething is only going to make things worse.
“To the belfry. Let me know how much time we have to rest when you find out…please,” I tell her as I point at my head, indicating our link. I walk out of the sanctuary and spot a small wooden door to the right. That has to be the entrance to the stairs.
I take the stairs in a huff but find myself slowing and sitting down on a step to grab a drink. Pulling out a water bottle from…what did Rez call it? A S.I.N. box? Taking a few swallows, I let my mind contemplate what Rez last said.
Am I having side effects being down here? Well, besides the physical effects I was experiencing in L.A.M.B.’s presence?
Finishing off my water, I continue up the stairs, needing a private room to just be myself and away from everyone. I trip as that thought hits me. Why? Why do I feel like I need to be alone? I’ve never felt like I needed to before.
As I slowly reach the top, I feel as if I’m at war with myself as I struggle to remember who I was versus who I am now. Have I always been this way, and it’s just now coming out since my memories have been released, or is Hell fucking with me?
What’s real?
As I walk into the dark gray room, I am drawn to the intricate bell system in the center. The two smaller silver bells are decorated with golden vines etched at the base, whereas the bigger one in the middle is a deep burgundy with etched vines and thorns wrapping around a broken heart in gold and black.
That’s an odd choice of decoration on bells.
A flash of light catches my attention, pulling my focus to the open archways, allowing me to see the prior level of Lust and our next, Rage. The next level looks uninhabitable from here. Red coats the dirt, making the land look as if blood is covering the ground, and lightning often streaks across the darkened sky, causing causal shrieks to ring out across the land. Growls rise, answering the thunderclaps from Rage’s level, proving that whatever we will find there isn’t easily scared.
Chills run up my spine thinking of what creatures await in such a place filled with all that rage built up within them. How can one live like that? Even my old master, War, had to release his pent-up aggression if not for himself, for those around him.
Turning back to the display of bells, my focus drifts to the faded rug, which looks more inviting than the worn wooden flooring.
‘Knots? Do you hear me?’ Rez calls out.
‘Yes,’ I reply as I lay down on the rug, spreading my wings out.
‘We have six hours before the next trial. Are you sure you’re ? —’
‘I’m fine,’ I cut her off, not wanting to get into things with her again. ‘Thanks for letting me know. Get your rest.’ I cut our connection and let my mind start to drift once again.
This isn’t me. I’m ferocious but gentle, and I love with all my soul, so why do I find myself short and callous to those I love? I don’t like who I’m becoming. Is this what it’s like to become a fallen ? Is that what’s happening to me? I close my eyes and feel a tear slide down my cheek at my last thought.
I take a deep breath and try to allow my body to relax, but it’s futile. I try meditation exercises to relax for almost an hour, but nothing works. I know what I would have normally done when I found my soul restless in my first existence, but would God punish me for reaching out since I’ve been denied heaven?
Feeling hopeless and without other ideas, I go with my instincts, rising up onto my knees while wrapping my wings around me and bowing my head in prayer.
‘Father,’ I sigh, letting my shoulders drop. ‘I’m lost. I come to you for guidance about Nerezza. I’m torn, and I’m not sure what to do. Part of me feels as if I need to follow the path I was born to uphold since I took breath from my flame. Even though I’ve been tossed out of your realm, I’ve found purpose again while following War and his path to protect Purgatory.
‘Becoming a Door Knight has given me a direction once again where I felt whole and needed. But with the appearance of Nerezza, my entire world has been flipped around, and I find myself on the most wonderful yet frustrating path I've ever been on. Now I don’t know which way is up.
‘She’s come in and shattered every belief that I held within me. She’s helped give back my memories of my family, my previous life, and my way back to you, Father. Without her, I didn’t realize how truly empty I was. It was as if I were a blind man wandering the world, believing I was experiencing everything there was. Now, I’m given sight with perfect vision and seeing the world for what it really is.
‘How am I to give up one life’s purpose and the knowledge of everything I’ve known to follow my heart and be with the one that I love? Who am I without that purpose and label? Why give me such a strong pull to be this type of man, this… need inside of me, only to have me to fight against it to be with the woman that I want and need in my life? Haven’t I suffered enough, Father?’
I feel moisture build behind my eyes as I take in a deep breath.
‘Why are you doing this to me? I can’t lose Rez. She means everything to me, but I’m afraid it’s already too late.’
My body shudders at my confession and plea, and all energy seeps out of me as I lean forward and press my head against the faded rug. Lying on the floor, it occurs to me that there is one thing I haven’t done since I received my memories back, and guilt washes over me as my stomach churns.
‘Father, please forgive me for disobeying and for the sins I have carried out while I’ve been out of your service. I am yours to command if you wish.’
I feel a slight weight lift inside my chest and slowly raise my head off the rug before noticing a light behind my eyes. Opening them, I realize the clapper within the bell is glowing and giving off heat. I sit back on the floor as I get lost in its hypnotizing effect and feel the air around me get warmer as the light brightens. Quickly, it gets to the point of blinding, and I need to shut my eyes for fear of losing my sight. Heat seeps into me and loosens my muscles before power suddenly overwhelms my body, knocking me onto my back.
My muscles become liquid from the sheer magnitude of power that hits me. It’s as if a freight train slams into me and travels the length of my body. The power is one I’ve felt before but never thought I would ever feel again. It’s as if God is laying his hands on my decrepit old body for the first time in ages. Yes, my body is still fit and can function as if I were in my late twenties, but my soul is old. This is different. I haven’t praised or worshiped Him since I fell...or was pushed, in my case, from His grace.
Even without my memories, I’ve always focused on the one thing I’ve been good at—being a protector. Save and protect your wards. Even here, that’s all I’ve been able to do, and it’s been a Godsend, or so I thought.
The power continues to surge through my body as it presses and kneads every fiber of me. As it rolls over my muscles, I feel them relax and become lighter, and I finally realize it’s not just searching but healing me. The anger and frustration that I’ve been feeling within myself is slowly lifting. I’ve been trying to keep the anger that’s been building within me hidden and locked away. But just as in life, secrets tend to show themselves in one way or another. The anger has been slowly growing and festering within me, eating away at my resolve like acid until I explode. My conversation with Rez at Lynx’s parents was a perfect example of that.
But lying here, I feel the pressure evaporate from my chest and within me as wetness drips down my cheeks. Finger-like touches find some areas where the muscles are tight, and they dig like needles, but I relax against their strength.
I’m being purified in a church, in Hell, of all places. I chuckle at the thought. I’m sure the furball would have something to say about this.
As the last of the finger-like pressure runs over my body, my muscles jump as they encounter some areas of soreness, but a cool, featherlight touch soon brushes the pain away. The light behind my closed eyes slowly dims and allows me to open my eyes, seeing the belfry once again. Realization washes over me. I no longer feel heavy with stress and doubt. I don’t even feel the pressure of needing to protect. Yes, I still want to, but I don’t feel the all-consuming need or thoughts that I’m only good for that one thing. Finally, I know. I can be with Rez and be friends with the guys, but I can still step up to protect them just like they can do the same for me.
I sit up and shake my head at how stupid I was acting, thinking I had to be only one thing. It’s crazy how this place was getting to me.
My first instinct is to run and find Rez and tell her what’s just happened. Hopefully, I can make her see that what I said was a mistake, and she will forgive me, but I also know that I hurt her deeply. And a simple apology isn’t going to do it. Not after everything she’s been through. I need to find a way to make this up to her, but first…I need to do something I haven’t done…in what might be forever.
I get up on my knees, fold my wings behind me, bow my head, and do something I haven’t done in ages: Repent.