Chapter 15
SARAH
Peter’s debrief of his meeting pierces through the bubble I’ve been living in with Hal.
Mrs Davis is a personal injury client who broke her leg, tripping on a pole left lying around by a builder; she’s been offered a settlement but seems determined to have her day in court.
‘I spent an hour on the phone to her yesterday, trying to explain that life doesn’t work the way it seems to on Suits.
It won’t be a glamorous David and Goliath situation, and she’ll probably end up with less of a payout than she will if she takes this one. But she’s adamant.’
I promise Peter I’ll give Mrs Davis a call myself, and he updates me on the other important files. Then, ‘How’s the holiday going?’ he asks.
‘It’s not really a holiday,’ I say, although to be fair, I’m sitting here in my bikini, iced drink at my side, and my tan is coming on nicely.
‘Sure. Still, nice to be working from the south of France rather than rainy Cambridge.’
‘You got me there.’
‘Well, hurry back. You’re missed.’
‘Ha! Am I?’ I say, smiling. I can’t for a minute imagine that anyone’s too concerned about my absence.
I remember being a more junior member of a legal team, and whenever the big boss was away, I’d feel more relaxed somehow, as if there wasn’t someone looking over my shoulder all the time.
I’ve tried to cultivate a more casual environment in my own practice, but know by the way everyone straightens when I come into a room that clearly there’s only so much you can achieve to put people at ease when you’re paying someone’s salary.
‘Yeah. You are.’ He’s quiet for a moment. ‘Can I be honest?’
Oh God, he’s going to tell me that some case or other has gone horribly wrong in my absence… I brace myself.
‘Of course,’ I say, as if his opening hasn’t filled me with dread.
‘I miss you.’
I grimace. ‘Sorry, Peter. You know, if the work’s building up, I can take more on over here. I’ve got good Wi-Fi, a laptop. I can make calls… I—’
‘Not your work contribution.’ He clears his throat. ‘Things seem—I guess I miss having you around.’
‘Oh.’
Another pause. ‘I know it’s maybe the wrong thing to say to a business partner. But sometimes I wonder if we could be… well, more than that.’
Peter and I have worked together for fifteen years, stepped aside from our employer to start our own practice eight years ago. We’re friends as well as colleagues and get on famously. But I’ve never really seen him as anything other than a mate.
‘Sorry. Should have kept it to myself, probably.’
‘No! No, it’s fine. It’s nice,’ I say uncertainly.
‘It is?’ He seems so buoyed by this that I’m worried I’ve overstepped.
‘Peter, listen, we’ll talk when I get back, OK?’
‘Yes! Absolutely!’ he still sounds unnervingly upbeat. ‘Looking forward do it.’
Gawd.
I hang up and make a few notes and try not to think of the awkward conversation I’m going to have to have with Peter when we return.
In many ways, on paper, Peter would be the perfect partner for me.
For starters, he understands law, he knows the pressure that I’m under and is a great listener.
We do get on well, and have been for a drink after work more times than I can count.
He makes me laugh. And he’s handsome too, always well dressed. Good-natured.
Mum would be over the moon if I ended up with someone like him. But there’s something missing, that essential element that tips someone from good friend to lover. I suppose I just don’t fancy him. We’ve always felt so… platonic.
I close my laptop, put my phone on the table in the shade, then lie back on my chair.
My leg, slightly in the sun, feels soothed by its warmth.
Life would be so simple if I could be attracted to someone like Peter.
Someone dependable. I’m not one of those women who always seeks out ‘bad boys.’ If I’m honest, I don’t know if I even have a type.
I just… I suppose I have a feeling sometimes. And I’m still searching for that.
My mind wanders to Hal. I’d thought the journey with him would be unbearable.
But I’m actually quite enjoying it. Maybe it’s just the surprise that it’s not a complete nightmare making me feel this way, but I’m starting to realise that some of the things I’d thought about him over the years might have been a little harsh.
Then, as if I’ve conjured him with my thoughts, Hal appears around the bend of the sloping track through the campsite. He’s smiling and holding a stick like a shepherd. And talking to a tall man with chin-length hair and a beard as if they are old friends.
I feel suddenly self-conscious in my bikini and pull a towel over my lap as I watch them approach.
‘Hello!’ Hal calls out as they get a little closer.
I lift a hand slightly, regarding the pair of them. Yes, it seems they are both coming to join me. I shift my body up so that I’m sitting rather than half-lying, and my leg gives a scream of protest.
‘This is Sébastien,’ Hal says, gesturing at his new friend. He pronounces it with as much of a French accent as he can muster. ‘We met on the trail.’
‘Enchanté.’ Sébastien reaches for my hand and brings it to his bristly face before I have a chance to react.
‘It is a pleasure to meet you.’ He looks at me with admittedly gorgeous blue eyes, but with the kind of confidence that I find off-putting.
The confidence of a man who has decided he is so fricking sexy that all the women he meets must be overcome with desire at his touch.
‘Hello,’ I say primly. ‘Are you camping here?’
‘Non, I prefer to be more free. I don’t like these organised, corporate sites.
’ He gestures around the rather basic plot that we have.
‘I have been camping in the woods for many days.’ Without asking, he plonks himself in the spare chair and I’m treated to a rather woody, musty smell that obviously backs up his point.
‘Right.’ I look at Hal, hoping to meet his gaze and share an eye-widening of disbelief. But he’s grinning at Sébastien.
‘Sébastien’s hoping to go to Nice too.’ Hal looks at me pointedly.
‘Well, that’s a coincidence. How are you… I mean, do you have plans about how you’ll get there?’ I say, and almost instantly something inside me drops. Because I suddenly know what’s coming next.
Sébastien throws a quick glance at Hal who briefly nods his head. ‘Your wonderful husband has said that I can travel with you for a time. So we will be getting to know each other very well!’
‘He’s not my husband.’ What I’d actually like to say is ‘if he were, he’d be one step closer to divorce after this.
’ Because how exactly is this going to work?
Is Sébastien going to top and tail with us in bed?
Where’s he going to sit while we’re driving?
And why on earth would Hal think that I’d be OK with this?
Sébastien takes my comment as a come-on. ‘Oh, I see,’ he says, his eyebrows performing some sort of elaborate dance. ‘Your boyfriend?’
‘No.’
He nods at my response then gives me a suggestive wink, and I cringe inwardly. I turn towards Hal, hoping he’ll see my face and realise that this is Not A Good Idea, but he seems completely smitten, smiling at his new woodland playmate.
After sitting with us and telling us far too many details about how he manages to keep his hygiene up to scratch while dwelling in a forest, Sébastien decides that, now he’s part of our gang and can use the campsite facilities, he’s going to take a shower.
He strolls off, T-shirt already removed in readiness, one of Hal’s towels slung over his shoulder.
Admittedly, the man has a great body. And it’s clearly a view shared by most of the other women at the site, as everyone he passes seems to turn around for a second peek. But something about his sense of entitlement makes me bristle.
I know women are meant to go crazy for ripped, muscle-bound hunks. And I can see why someone would think that a toned bod is attractive. But in all honesty, when I see a man carefully honed and toned, all I can think of is the vanity that got him there.
Give me a dad bod any day, and a man who doesn’t take himself too seriously.
‘He’s quite a guy,’ Hal says, stepping out of Betty and smiling down on me.
I turn to him, my polite mask now fully removed, and his face literally falls when he sees my expression. ‘Oh,’ he says.
‘Yes. Oh,’ I tell him, simmering. ‘Hal, what were you thinking?’
‘I… I mean, the guy seems nice and…’
‘We don’t know the first thing about the guy! The “guy” could be an axe-murderer—’
‘To be fair, I think we’d notice the axe if—’ But Hal’s feeble attempt to diffuse the situation with humour just makes me more livid.
‘I’m serious, Hal. Where is he going to sleep? What about when we drive? There isn’t a spare seat, and he can hardly just rattle around in the back. Have you actually thought about any of this?’
Hal takes a step back, as if trying to retreat from a scary predator. ‘I just thought we’d… muddle along,’ he says.
‘Muddle along! Hal, your whole life seems to be about muddling along. This whole trip is evidence that you can’t do anything the normal way, can’t take anything seriously.
And you know what, I was starting to think you might have a point.
That I ought to slow down a little, enjoy the scenery.
But now? Bringing that man along with us?
’ I channel my inner Vivian and give him what I hope is a stern look. It seems to work.
‘I thought you wouldn’t mind,’ Hal says, his voice more of a whimper than anything else.
‘And you didn’t think to ask me? You didn’t think that maybe I was tolerating just about all I could already?’ My leg gives an enormous throb as if to emphasise this fact and I can’t help but let out a small cry.
Hal is instantly attentive. ‘Is it your leg? Are you OK?’
But I simply can’t let him off the hook that easily. ‘I can handle it. I don’t need any help, Hal. It would just be nice if you didn’t hinder me for once. If you actually thought about anyone but yourself.’
‘I do!’ he says, suddenly firing back. ‘If you must know, I think about you all the time. Worry about you, whether you’re all right. And I think about Louis! And you know what, I’m starting to understand why he had to confide in me rather than you!’
This is like a slap. I feel myself crumple. ‘He confided in you? What’s going on?’
Hal takes a protective step back, palms raised. ‘No. He didn’t. I mean, not really. He just… when we spoke on the phone…’
‘You said that was about penis issues!’ My yell comes out louder than I expected and a man passing with his dog gives me, then Hal, a curious look.
‘Well, it wasn’t. He’s having doubts. And he didn’t want me to tell you.’
And this is the moment when it all overflows.
The pain, the pressure of the journey, worries about the awkward conversation I’m going to have to have with Peter, worries about Louis’s wedding, about the pain in my leg and how it seems to be getting worse.
Because the one thing I never doubted was that I’d given my son everything I could.
And that Hal was the secondary parent, the add-on.
The slightly helpful extra gadget that we didn’t honestly need in order to function.
But maybe Louis doesn’t see it that way at all.