Chapter 34
HAL
It’s late morning and I’ve packed most of my stuff into Betty.
I haven’t slept much. I tossed and turned last night despite Vivian’s top quality bedding. I tried to kid myself that it’s just the journey – I’m restless to get started – but I think I knew deep down it was more than that.
I woke up with a conviction that I was going to do something. I need to convince Sarah to come with me. I can’t bear the thought of her travelling on the train alone. We can go quickly if she needs to get back to work; France isn’t going anywhere; I can visit another time.
In truth, I can’t bear the thought of saying goodbye to her.
Not right now. In all the parenting to-ing and fro-ing, I forgot something really important.
There was a reason that Sarah and I got together all those years ago.
We got on like a house on fire. We laughed at the same things.
With everything that happened since, having a kid together, we were kind of forced into each other’s lives so much that we forgot there was ever a time when we chose each other.
I never thought I’d say it, but I’ll miss her. I’m not ready for the holiday to end yet.
I notice Vivian out in the garden. She’s kneeling on a rubber mat, working the dry ground with a trowel. The sound of the kettle boiling in the kitchen alerts me to the fact that Sarah’s in there alone. I tell myself it’s now or never.
As I walk into the kitchen, Sarah turns to me and her face breaks out into an enormous smile.
I smile back. ‘You look like the cat who got the cream!’ I say.
‘I kind of am!’ She smiles. ‘Guess who’s got a fully paid-for car with chauffeur coming to pick her up and drive her back to Cambridge in style!’
My mouth drops open. ‘Really? That must have cost a fortune.’
‘Yeah, I guess so.’ She beams at me, the joy just emanating from her.
Peter’s coughed up for a luxury lift home for her.
And of course he’s completely right. Sarah shouldn’t be taking the train, or slumming it in Betty.
Not with her leg and after everything she’s been through.
I feel a curious mix of admiration and hate.
Admiration for Peter and his resourcefulness, and hate for myself.
Yes, it would have been expensive. Probably at least a couple of grand.
But I have the money. It’s sitting in the bank doing very little.
I could easily have done this for her. Only I didn’t think.
As usual, I was considering my own needs, not hers.
Offering her a lift in Betty, rather than thinking about what would make things easier for her.
I might have the means to provide something like this, but I don’t have the wherewithal to think of it. And I realise, with a sinking heart, that this is a sign. I need to step aside; the better man has won.
Sarah doesn’t just need someone to love her. She needs someone who sees her, understands her. The smile that’s spread across her face is happiness, but it’s also relief. She was worried about the train journey and she’s been rescued.
‘It’s brilliant,’ I tell her. ‘Why not travel in style, eh!’
‘Thanks.’ She pours water into a cup, adds a teabag. ‘Sorry, did you want anything?’
‘No,’ I say. ‘No, I’m fine.’
‘It’ll be weird,’ she tells me. ‘Being on my own. I’ve kind of got used to having you around.’
‘Yeah, I know. Me too,’ I manage.
I smile at her as she watches the green tea bleed into the hot water.
Then I go back to my room. Everything in there seems duller, heavier.
But at least I have my answer. And it’s fine.
Well, it’s not exactly fine, but I’ll learn to live with it.
Without her. Without the little seed of hope I’d allowed myself to nurture.
Her car arrives two hours later. It’s a black Mercedes, the back windows blacked out as if Sarah’s a celebrity who needs to be shielded from public view. The guy driving is properly dressed up too – navy suit, even a hat. He holds the door open for her, and she hobbles in as gracefully as she can.
I lift her luggage into the boot for her, brushing off the chauffeur’s offer to help. Vivian stands at the open rear window and says her goodbyes. ‘Don’t be a stranger,’ she tells her.
‘I won’t, Mum.’ Sarah’s voice is soft. She holds her hand out to her mother and Vivian catches it, puts it to her cheek. It’s such a gentle, loving gesture that I’m momentarily taken aback.
Then Vivian steps back and it’s my turn. I lean in and kiss Sarah on the forehead. ‘Take care of yourself, OK?’
‘I’ll try.’
‘And you know. Make sure Peter doesn’t let you work too hard.’
‘He won’t,’ she tells me. ‘Don’t worry. He said he’s going to go easy on me.’
I nod. ‘Well, good.’
Sarah gives a little wave to both of us before closing the window. I’m confronted then with a vision of myself, standing in my creased T-shirt with my messy hair, looking every inch the loser I suppose I am.
Vivian and I stand and wave as the Mercedes purrs off into the distance, taking a bit of each of our hearts with it.
Then, when the engine sound has faded and there’s no point standing there any more, I clap my hands together. ‘Right!’ I tell her. ‘I’d better be off.’
She nods. ‘Still doing your epic adventure?’ she asks, but her tone isn’t sarcastic. She sounds genuinely interested.
I shrug. ‘I don’t think so. Might do a stopover on the way. But I need to get back.’
We walk slowly towards the door together, our shadows stretching ahead of us across the drive. ‘You know, I thought about what you said,’ Vivian tells me. ‘About communicating. I spoke to Sarah. Really spoke to her.’
‘That’s great.’ I’m genuinely surprised that she’s taken my advice on board.
‘Thank you,’ she says. ‘I mean that.’
I give a slight nod, unsure of what to say.
‘And the other thing. You know. About our being family,’ she adds, turning towards me and pausing before she takes the step to the front door. ‘You’re right, of course. We are connected. I never thought about it like that before.’
‘Yeah, sorry about that,’ I joke.
‘What do you mean?’
‘I’m probably the last person you want to be connected to.’
She shakes her head. ‘Now Hal, don’t do yourself a disservice. Oh, I know I haven’t perhaps been your biggest fan over the years… but a woman can change her mind, can’t she?’ She puts a hand on my upper arm. ‘You’re a good fellow, you know. I’m sorry I didn’t see that before.’
I feel my face get hot and I’m not sure whether it’s panic or embarrassment. ‘Thanks.’
‘I’ve told Sarah she could do worse!’
‘Oh. You shouldn’t have—’
‘Now, Hal. Don’t tell me you aren’t a little bit sweet on her still. I’ve seen you two together.’ She walks into the hall, holds the door open for me.
‘No. I’m… we’re just friends, Vivian. And that’s fine. It’s good, actually.’
She raises an eyebrow. ‘Just friends, eh?’
‘Yes,’ I say, my voice sounding more resolved than I feel. ‘Listen, Vivian. I’m not saying it hasn’t crossed my mind. But it seems as if Peter’s a good bloke. He seems to really care about her.’
‘Do you think?’
‘Yes. I mean, I’m not saying I don’t like… love Sarah. But I think I’ve proved over the years that I’m not really up to the task of being with her. Sarah deserves someone who can read her. Who understands what she needs. And I’m no good at that.’
‘Oh, Hal. You do fine.’
‘Thanks. But really. I show up when I’m asked. But she’s got someone who goes above and beyond. And I can’t compete with that. Or, well, I don’t want to. Because Sarah deserves a better man than me.’
‘Oh bollocks, Hal.’
It’s such a surprise to hear Vivian swear that I stop in my tracks. ‘Sorry?’
‘Well. I’m sorry but there really isn’t any other word for it.’
‘There isn’t?’
‘Peter has been a good business partner from what I understand, but he’s nothing more.’
‘He’s… no, you’re wrong. I spoke to him. They’re dating, at least.’
‘Well, it’s the first I’ve heard of it.’
I flush. ‘Oh, shit. Maybe I wasn’t meant to tell you… I…’
‘Language, Hal!’
I don’t point out the hypocrisy, but instead say, ‘Sorry, Vivian. But sometimes there isn’t any other word for it.’
She grins – I’m not sure I’ve ever seen her grin before. Gives me a little jab between the ribs that I think is meant to be playful, but actually hurts enough to make me gasp. ‘Ha ha,’ I manage to splutter.
‘Well, I don’t know anything about a date. But Sarah’s mentioned Peter a few times to me this break and it’s pretty clear there’s nothing there. Oh, she likes him well enough. But as a work colleague, I can assure you…’
‘Well, perhaps she’s only seen him as a work partner. But for someone to send a chauffeured Mercedes a thousand miles to pick someone up and bring them home… not just being generous, but anticipating their needs… That’s not the action of a business partner. That’s an act of love.’
Vivian looks thoughtful. ‘I’m glad you see it that way.’
‘Sorry?’ I am now, if it’s possible, even more confused.
‘It wasn’t Peter who ordered the car. It was me!’ she tells me.
‘You?’
‘Yes. I couldn’t bear for Sarah to schlep from train to train with that gammy leg of hers, not after she admitted she was at hospital recently,’ she says. She gives me a sideways glance. ‘Something I feel I should have been informed of,’ she adds.
‘It was you?’
‘Yes. Do keep up, Hal. I realise I haven’t been the most… attentive of mothers. But the idea of her hobbling along… it was driving me mad. Then I wondered – how much would a taxi cost? I did a bit of Googling and well, perhaps I went a bit overboard. But…’
‘So it wasn’t Peter.’
She stops, meets my eye. ‘No, Hal. It was me.’
‘And Sarah’s not dating anyone?’
‘Certainly not anyone serious enough to tell me about. Or Louis for that matter.’
I open my mouth to let out another expletive but think better of it. Instead, I put my hands over my face and give a groan.
‘What on earth is the matter, dear?’
‘I’m an idiot.’
‘Hal,’ she says, her face serious. ‘We’re all idiots sometimes… admittedly some more than others. But still, to err is human and all that.’
‘Yes, but I had the chance and…’
‘And what?’
‘I was going to tell Sarah how I feel. But I stepped aside. I let the better man win. Only there isn’t a better man. There isn’t even anyone else at all. There’s just me and my stupid imagination and my ridiculous ideas of gallantry. And now she’s gone and I’ve left it all too late, as usual.’
It has taken me twenty-two years to work out that I love Sarah.
Not the Sarah I thought she was – the one I’d have logistical conversations with about childcare, and face recriminations from when I was late or let Louis down in any way.
But the woman I’d been with before; the one I’d spent proper time with, laughed with, fallen for.
I’d forgotten she existed, yet she was there all along.
And I had a chance to tell her all that, and blew it over something I’d made up in my head.
‘Oh, Hal.’ Vivian shakes her head. ‘Are you really going to give up as easily as that?’