Chapter 2
Humid, thick, cloying air clogs up my lungs, and I stink of sour sweat and fresh blood. My leg aches as I follow a path someone else has broken for me. Something tells me not to look up. If I look up, I’ll have to acknowledge my companion, whatever or whoever it is, and I really don’t want to. My throat thickens with dread, and it tastes like chalky ash on my tongue. I just can’t seem to swallow it down.
My limbs lock up, and I can’t avoid it any longer. My face lifts even as my mind screams “no!” My body moves like a marionette, jerky and awkward. Something else pulls the strings, and I’m powerless to fight against it.
Monster. Alien. Other.
I need to run, but I’m as frozen as any helpless prey as he starts to turn his big gray body towards me. The creature’s blood soaked wings flare as he moves. I bite down on my lower lip so hard the skin breaks, but my feet stay locked to the damp, leaf-strewn ground.
“Jhevase.”
Someone’s shaking me. No, not someone—Sohven. My body softens as my mind bats away the remnants of the dream. It’s already hazy, just a wisp of discomfort, of wrongness. I’m not on that god forsaken planet anymore, and I know who I am. That time is over, and if sometimes my memories don’t fit quite right, or recalling them is more like hearing stories from a stranger, it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with me.
Pavok’s assured me more times than he would’ve liked by now that everything I’m experiencing is perfectly normal—medically speaking. It’s normal to feel this kind of disconnect, this gulf between who you think you are and who you remember. It’d be stranger if nothing had changed. So he says, anyway.
“Morning, Sohven,” I mumble into his shoulder, still keeping my eyes closed. It may only be ship’s lighting, but if I don’t acknowledge it’s morning aboard the Queen, I can convince myself it’s okay to be lazy a little while longer.
“Open your eyes, Jhevase.”
I make another growly sound against his leathery skin and rub my forehead against him before I roll onto my back and sigh. I’m not a morning person. Never have been, never will be. Waking up tangled up in Sohven has its benefits, but he’s not the type to laze about in bed. I run a hand through my hair, noticing it’s getting a little too long.
“We’ve got the Vattla Mission today.” I glance over at him and wait for any sign of a reaction. The fleshy part of his ears shifts a bit, but otherwise he doesn’t respond. “I’m looking forward to getting on the ground again,” I continue. “After all that time on Sannaveh, I’m missing dirt-side living now that we’ve been cooped up on the ship for an entire month.”
Sohven’s mouth thins, and his eyes seem to go even darker. I both love and hate it when that green oval around his pupils threatens to disappear into the black. It either means I’m in for something really good or the scolding of my life, but lately, it’s tended toward the later.
“Stop making that face at me. Since you want to be up now, I’m going to wash up and get it over with,” I tell him.
I sit up and swing my legs to the floor as I walk over to the tiny bathroom. We’ve been sleeping together in Sohven’s cabin since our return to the Queen. He says I have nightmares, and he doesn’t want me to be alone at night, but I can’t remember them. Well, not really. No specifics, nothing that causes me too many problems during my waking hours.
I push down my sleeping pants and let them fall to my ankles, then step out of them before I kick them to the side. I’ll pick them up later—I’m not a barbarian, but if I have to be up this early, I’m going to put off my chores until I’ve had at least five minutes under the hot water.
The door folds at the center seam as I give it a firm push, and then I walk inside the little chamber. There’s room for me to spread out my arms, so honestly, it’s pretty luxurious by ship standards, but poor Sohven can only manage to turn in place when he’s in here. Since we’ve been back, I’ve found myself wondering about it more often—how can a man that big be comfortable always restrained, always holding back? He was different down there. He was still my Sohven, but somehow more. Of all the things that make my head hurt when I think about our time down on that planet, wondering how I fell in love with him so quickly all over again isn’t one of them.
I turn on the water. It doesn’t smell fresh like a running river, but it gets the job done and our filtration machines are good enough that I’m happy enough to stand beneath the spout. The door creaks as someone pushes it further to the side. He must be feeling a little needy this morning. Sohven’s large hands settle around me, one palm over my stomach and the other cradling my hip, his two thumbs rubbing light circles over my skin as he bends his head down to hum against my shoulder.
I inhale, more like a gasp, even though I try to hide it, but I know he can feel the way my muscles jump at the contact. I lean back against him and let my head fall back onto his shoulder.
“I thought you were in a hurry,” I say.
“Assumptions,” he half growls, the word rumbling against my neck. “I never said I wanted to leave the bed. That was all you, Jhevase.”
He’s been saying my name a lot lately. Looking back, I can understand why he did it on the planet, why he’d repeated it over and over like a litany. It was obvious my translator was out, but he probably thought if he called to me enough times I’d finally recognize my own name—his name for me, at least. Now, though…I’m not sure what prompts the feverish utterances.
“Sohven,” I mumble against his arm as I turn my face. “Don’t try to change the score now—you never want to sleep in.”
He shifts his wings so they curve forward. The leathery folds drape over the front of my body, heavy and warm. He likes me like this, all wrapped up in him, claimed, taken, marked. I open my mouth a little and scratch my teeth against his thick shoulder. Take that, big guy. I’m no shiny prize—if he’s going to be clingy, I’ll cling right back.
He lets out a deep sound that has my dick stirring and my muscles clenching again. I guess he likes that show of possession. I place my mouth over his arm and bite down a little harder, coaxing another thunderous groan out of him. I laugh against his skin and kiss over the spot where my teeth left purple hued impressions.
“You like that, huh?”
The hand on my hip drops to my groin, and his long, dexterous fingers wrap around my dick while that extra thumb rubs beneath my balls. Question answered.
“Don’t start something we don’t have time to finish,” I tell him, tilting my head back in an attempt to meet his eyes.
I’m rewarded with a face full of water. Even through the stream coming down from the shower head, I can see his blurry grin, and I smile back like an idiot as the water continues to sluice down my face and neck. I spit it out as I duck my head and take a single step away from him, reaching for the soap dispenser. There’s no room for any more distance between us, and honestly, that suits me just fine. I hold out my hand behind me, offering him some of the soap.
He takes it, but I’m not expecting those big hands to immediately return to my body. They’re all slick and sudsy now, and he glides his palms up across my chest, curling his fingers over my shoulders before he hauls me back against him. I let out a breathy sound as he knocks the air right out of me. He’s hard against my lower back and the weight of his sack is heavy and hot at the top of my ass.
Promises, promises.
I have no complaints about where this is going, but the clock ticks in my mind as I wonder if I really want to be getting lost in him all over again when we’re about to head out on a new mission. S’ahveki’s had us confined to the ship since our retrieval. He tactfully refrains from calling it a rescue, even if we all know that’s what it was, but I really don’t want to be late today, all my grumblings over an early-wakeup aside.
“Palms on the wall, Jhevase.”
Don’t mind if I do.
I’m grinning as I follow my gorgeous man’s welcome orders. He’s got to want to get off the ship today as much as I do. I can trust him—if he thinks there’s time, he’s probably right. Besides, it’s going to feel so good when—
I suck in a deep breath, and my body shudders when he slides to his knees behind me. He nestles his face against my lower back, his hot mouth landing right over my crack, teasing me with each exhale, and his sleek horns press into my skin, bracketing the slight curve of my spine. This doesn’t feel like a shower quickie—down and dirty, sure, but not what we should be getting up to if we want to make it to the lounge with time for breakfast before we head down to the target settlement on Vattla.
He licks me, lowering his face as he goes. He doesn’t drag it out, just gets right down there and goes for it, his broader tongue circling and stroking my hole before he presses his face deeper between my cheeks and pushes the tip inside. He moans as he tastes me, and my fingers curl against the cool shower wall. If Sohven were to do the same thing, he’d be gouging the smooth surface. If I’d reached a little higher, I’d probably be able to feel the talon marks. He’s not the only one who’s been on their knees in this little washing station.
He’s got me all pinned in right now, even if my hands are slipping. His horns and his face have me right where he wants me from the back, and he’s got one arm locked around my upper thighs and the other hand splayed across my stomach while his wings are layered over the front of me from hip to foot. It’s a good thing, too, because with the way he’s working his tongue, I couldn’t possibly stay still if he wasn’t making me.
“Sohven, Sohven, Sohven,” I whisper against the wall as I let my head fall forward. He hears me if the momentary chuckle rasping against my hole is any indication.
He takes it as the encouragement it’s intended to be and dives right back in, pushing the tip of his tongue inside me again as that hand on my stomach moves lower so that the edge of his wrist teases the head of my cock. He shifts his hand side to side, pretending he’s stroking my abs, but we both know exactly what he’s doing. I groan and close my eyes as my forehead thuds against the wall. Sweet baby Jesus, does he know how to press all my buttons and then some.
I’m leaking enough pre-come that his wrist glides over me now, back and forth, back and fucking forth. I hiss in a breath as he suddenly stops and wraps that big hand around me, gathering the liquid from my slit and smearing it all around with one of his thumbs. Then he starts stroking, synchronizing it with the little darting thrusts of his tongue in my ass. I guess I really shouldn’t have doubted him. If he continues, it won’t take all that long before it’s over and I’m clinging to the shower wall trying to put myself back together again.
It’s times like this I’m glad my man’s an alien. That tongue presses in deeper, larger and longer than any human’s, yet just as hot and slick, and he turns his wrist just right as he works my dick, shuttling his hand from base to tip. I’m sighing now, letting my mind drift along with the mounting pleasure, even as my pulse pounds and it should be growing harder to catch my breath. I just let that pressure grow, luxuriating in the warmth and the heat. The water beats down over my bent back. I feel my climax working its way forward, like some dormant beast that’s been curled up inside me waking up and preparing to roar.
Five, four, three, two—
I don’t get to one before I’m crying out, my palms slapping against the wall as I bite my lip and groan. It takes him a minute before he stops moving. His tongue is still lodged inside of me as my muscles clamp down, and my body shivers as I ride out my climax. He lifts his face and gives my hole a little kiss when my body goes still. His wings fall back as he rises behind me, his mouth dragging its way up the center of my back, stopping to catch me by the scruff of my neck with his sharp teeth before he stands at his full height and rests his chin over the top of my head.
“So pretty,” he rumbles as he lifts his hands from my groin and holds them up in front of my face.
My come is clinging to his long fingers, making his dark talons glisten. He strokes the back of a talon over my lower lip, carefully pressing the smooth side against my tongue. I stay completely still. One wrong move, and I’ll be tasting blood instead. The bitter tang of my own release fills my mouth as I wait for him to move.
I can feel him smile as he tips his face down and presses it into my hair. Then he pulls his hand back before lifting the other higher. From the corner of my eye, I can see the tip of his wicked tongue lick up the pale trail of my come on his pointer finger. He hums, a low sound of satisfaction. Then he wraps his arms around my middle and tucks his face down into the space between my shoulder and my neck, whispering silent words against my skin.
I shiver. Moments like these, they remind me—there’s always a space between us, a barrier I can’t breach where words fall into the silence, unknowable, indecipherable.
It doesn’t matter. I catch my breath, preparing to turn around and take care of him, too, but Sohven stops me, canting his hips low and thrusting against me. He’s still painfully hard, and his appendage is fully separated. I feel the bulbous oval tip seeking its way between my cheeks, hurrying towards its favorite place. Sohven’s hand clamps around his cock as he begins to stroke. His breath huffs against that ticklish spot at the base of my neck, and the slick head of his dick presses against my lower back with each pass. His hand moves faster, and his little exhales are accompanied by low grunts now. His appendage presses against my hole, and although I wasn’t expecting it, I know it feels good for him when it pushes inside me and the pressure of my inner muscles massages it.
He bites down gently, just enough to break the skin, but barely draw blood, and his come pulses out against my back. It drips down over my ass, sliding between my cheeks as he gives his hips one last good thrust forward.
“Fuck,” I grunt as I feel the appendage release its own viscous spill inside me. I lift one hand from the wall and wrap it around Sohven’s nearest horn and give it a little tug. “You planned that, didn”t you?” I ask accusingly, even as the witchcraft infused chemicals in his appendage’s come make me shiver and shake with a new round of mind-spinning pleasure. A little more of my perfectly normal release dribbles out from my spent dick, hitting my thigh before the water washes it away.
“Yes,” he answers without any shame. “I needed to know part of me was with you. I’m worried about the mission.”
Aww. It sounds kind of romantic when he says it like that, doesn’t it? I’m still not amused.
“That’s nice and all, but this is a low-risk mission. You read the same specs as I did, didn’t you? I know it’s satisfying and it gets you off to do it, but I don’t want to be squatting behind some prickly bush on Vattla, shifting around to dislodge your dried come-plug when I should be focusing on our targets.”
“Ssh,” he hushes me, breath ghosting over the same place where he bit me. “I’m sorry, Jhevase. I just needed it.”
My hand stills on his horn. “It’s okay, Sohven.” I tilt my head back and rub my cheek against the side of his face. “I get it, but I wish you’d checked with me first this time.” I press a kiss against what feels like his temple. “Nothing’s going to happen to me down there—or you either. It’s going to be like another hundred missions that’ve gone without a hitch before. We’re going to be fine. I promise.”
Sohven lets out a brittle sounding echo of his normal happy chuff. “You can’t promise that, Jhevase. No one can.”
My lips firm as I press them against each other and bite back my first reply. “We’ll be together. Even if something does happen, we’ll take care of each other. Don’t worry. I’ve got you.”
He just sighs against me, but it sounds somehow settled, and his body no longer holds the same rigid tension. “Okay,” he tells me, and his hands finally loosen their grip on me as he steps back.
I smile faintly, even though he can’t see it. “Come on, let’s wash up. We’ve got to hurry or Dan will eat all the leftovers.”
“A dire outcome, indeed, Jhevase.”
He’s quiet during the rest of the shower, but it doesn’t actually take that long to bathe when all you’re doing is rinsing off the soap. I cut the water and hit the drying function, closing my eyes and mouth before the first cycle starts. It’s a necessary evil. The air pressure is…invigorating aboard the Queen, and you only keep your eyes open once before you learn how to handle it. Still, it beats walking around damp all day. The ship is pleasantly cool, at least for human bodies. I know Sohven has complaints, but that’s just because he’d rather we all walk around in the buff than don clothing, and the air here is too cold for that to be feasible.
I hop out of the shower chamber and slide my foot beneath my sleeping pants, kicking them up so I can catch them. I’d rather not put on the clothing I wore all night long, but I figure the ten second walk down the hall to my own cabin won’t dirty me up too much.
“You should move your things here.”
I look up as I wiggle my foot through the first leg hole. “Yeah? I don’t know. Don’t you like having your own space?”
Sohven shoots me a look like I just asked him if he’d like to eat spiders for breakfast, and since his species is not one of those that enjoys delicacies of the insect or arachnid varieties, he looks just as shocked as one might think. His nostrils flare, dark, angry little slashes at the bottom of his mostly flat nose, and his wings lift up and out, catching a little air like he’s preparing to extend them. It’s a warning, one that I don’t appreciate.
“And that’s what you want? Space?” he asks.
Our translators do a damn good job of mimicking tone. I can tell just how offended he is, even though I wish I’d learned enough of his language by now not to need the machine to tell me.
“No. Stop being ridiculous. I love you, and I like sleeping with you, but sometimes I just want to have a place of my own. I thought you felt the same way. Isn’t that why we’ve never shared a cabin before?”
We’ve been together for over two years, and it didn’t take much longer than a few days of spaceport dating before he’d worked his way into more than my pants. Sohven and Jace, Jace and Sohven—the crew was cracking jokes about us being in each others’ pockets by the end of month one. He’s never doubted me before, and I don’t like it.
Sohven’s still giving me that offended—no, hurt—look. It makes me want to crumple and fold like a cracker in hot soup, but I didn’t do anything wrong. The last thing I want to do is hurt him, but I also don’t understand why he’s trying to shake things up now, just when everything is starting to feel normal again.
“Let’s talk about it after the mission,” I offer, extending my olive branch. “Maybe S’ahveki has a bigger cabin hidden somewhere we don’t know about.” I grin at Sohven, but he doesn’t return it.
“Forget I mentioned it, Jhevase.” He looks down, and discomfort swirls in the pit of my stomach. I hate that resigned, disappointed tone of voice on him. “You’re correct. That’s what we told each other when we decided to live separately.” He lifts his head and attempts a smile, but there’s nothing agreeable about the look he’s giving me.
I pull my old sleeping pants up until they cover the important bits. I don’t feel good about leaving now, but we truly don’t have time to get to the bottom of his uneasiness, not after our unplanned shower detour.
“I’ll see you in the lounge,” I tell him, but before I leave, I walk up to him and wrap my arms around his neck and pull him down for a kiss, one I hope leaves him hungry for more than what’s left of breakfast.
I head out before we can get sidetracked again, close Sohven’s door, and go left towards my end of the hall. I almost run into Pavok, who gives me a brief up and down before he grunts.
“Glad to see you’re wearing pants this time,” he tells me.
I look down at my pjs. “What, these old things?” I grin up at him and cackle. “Just for you, Pavok, just for you!” I call over my shoulder as I speed up to get to my cabin door. The last time he caught me out here doing the semi-walk of shame, I’d had my dirty coveralls bunched up over my groin. It took two weeks before I heard the end of it. For a doctor, he’s an exceptionally prudish man.
Maybe it’s the human thing. The alien crewmembers don’t really have as much of an issue with nudity. I don’t think Dan’s species bothers with clothing when they’re not part of mixed crews or visiting spaceports, and as it is, the garment he wears isn’t much more than a loincloth. S’ahveki, though, is another story. He’s spent too much time mired in human culture not to have adopted some of our hang-ups, not that he’s very vocal about his time among us. If Sohven has the facts right, his childhood was almost some sort of hostage situation with us humans. I value my health too much to ask our captain for the details.
I open my cabin door and head inside the cramped chamber. It’s smaller than Sohven’s, but it’s home, or as close to home as it can be. A brief glance around the space doesn’t reveal much that identifies it as mine or any items that couldn’t be easily replaced. It’s more the idea that I don’t want to let go of—maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to share Sohven’s larger cabin, but if I think about it too hard, it starts to make my skin itch. I need time alone where the only hum intruding on my thoughts is from the ship’s engines, not the prickly buzz of another person’s presence, even if it’s coming from someone that means the world to me.
I pull out fresh coveralls from my shallow closet and shuck off the sleeping pants, tossing them in my laundry bag this time. It doesn’t take me long to dress. I snap in the closures on my boots and grab my weapons and tool belt from where they’re fastened to the wall. Unless the outlined mission has changed overnight, we shouldn’t need to wear our protective suits down on Vattla. The settlement is in a fairly remote area, but the climate is temperate, the atmosphere good, and it’s highly unlikely we’ll encounter any real threat of violence.
It’s mainly just a quick reconnaissance mission to confirm that the people we’ve relocated there are getting along alright. S’ahveki’s received some reports of grumbling among the settlers and wants to head off any problems before they start. A small group of newly liberated people are arriving with one of our sister ships this afternoon, and Sohven and I will be there to make sure everything runs smoothly.
When I step back into the hallway, dressed and ready to head out, I’m the only one there. The Queen isn’t exactly cramped, but it’s not large enough to ever truly feel alone. I can hear the faint murmur of voices coming out of the lounge and turn myself in that direction, sparing only a brief glance over my shoulder towards Sohven’s cabin. The door doesn’t move and there’s no sign of my partner, so I assume he’s reached the lounge first and is already enjoying his breakfast.
As the smell of rich coffee and aromatic tea drifts through the filtration system to tempt me, I visualize what types of dishes might be waiting on the counter this morning. I was never picky about food before. Energy bars, liquid meals, MREs—I never complained about any of them, but since I’ve been back on the ship, I’ve found a new appreciation for a good plate of food. If I’m not careful, I’m going to be adding a little padding to my stomach if I can’t rein in my appetite. Who knew a diet of eel and mystery meat would have me ravenous for everything I’d taken for granted before?
Sohven is sitting on a bench pulled back from the narrow table on the left side of the lounge. His wings drape behind him, and his knees are spread wide, leaving us all with a perfect view of the way his fatigues hug his thick thighs. Sohven’s built like a brick shit house, but you won’t find me complaining. Everything about him hits just right for me, and I’ve always been weak for a man in uniform.
His dark eyes meet mine, and his thin mouth tilts up at the side. He’s still shirtless, but he’s wearing a broad sash over one shoulder. It’s the same dull tan camouflage as the fatigues, but it looks good on him. It doesn’t hide the fact that he’s flexing under my steady appraisal. I’m smiling back when I hear Dan growl.
“I’d say get a room, but you’ve already been holed up in Sohen’s cabin for the last month. Stop undressing him with your eyes, Cesari,” he tells us.
I look away from Sohven and grab a plate from the counter. If Dan was actually pissed, his growl would’ve been an octave deeper, so I carry on with selecting my breakfast.
“Who put out the spread?” I ask as I pinch one of the sausages and set it beside a scoop of berries. “This is the good stuff.”
“S’ahveki requisitioned a few things from the Jhantiss after Haruk and Vanna brought it in.” Dan’s grinning as he tells us, his vulpine features looking especially pointed as he shows off his curved canines. “Dig in.” He gives me an assessing glance. “You’re still looking weak after Sannaveh.”
Sohven lets out a low, threatening rumble from the corner. I resist the urge to roll my eyes.
“I don’t feel weak,” I shoot back as I grab a cup of coffee and my plate and find myself a seat in the center of the room. “It’ll be good to stretch these legs somewhere besides the halls of the Queen.”
“You never were one for relaxation, were you, Cesari?” Dan’s ears shift back as he tips his head towards Sohven. “Watch out. He’s a magnet for trouble. Bet you a pack of faaliv from the next spaceport that something goes wrong down on Vattla.”
I set down the sausage I’d been preparing to bite and give him a pointed look. “Don’t encourage him. He’s already been wringing his hands like an old lady all morning.”
Sohven gets up stiffly, the rustling and shuffling of his heavy wings uncomfortably loud in the sudden, strained silence. He doesn’t look at me as he leaves the lounge. I hear the thwap of Dan’s heavy tail hitting the floor.
“Shit,” I mutter.
“Trouble in paradise? That’s what you humans say, isn’t it?”
I shake my head and raise my eyebrow as I meet Dan’s knowing gaze. “Shut up. He’s just a bit touchy lately, and I shouldn’t have said anything.”
He gives me a curt nod. “Finish your coffee and your food. You’ll have plenty of time to apologize during the shuttle ride down. I was serious before—you look like a brisk wind off the Hadol Crags would knock you down.”
Dan leaves, his big bushy tail swishing behind him before I can get a word in, and I raise my coffee to my lips on a sigh. So much for a great start to the day. It looks like I’ve got a lot more than Vattla to worry about this morning.