Chapter 14
14
When I wake up I’m not thinking about Charlie or Berry, I’m thinking about Adam.
I miss him. I love him.
I’ve loved him for so long.
What Berry said about how it feels to have a crush?
That’s how it’s always felt with Adam.
If we could just spend more time together here, alone, I know I wouldn’t be thinking about Berry so much.
We’re docking at Port d’Andratx to collect the new charter guests, so everyone’s busy and I take advantage of their distraction to sneak out to deck to find him.
He’s washing the side of the ship – leaning over the railing with a hose.
I dig my fingers into his waist as if I’m going to tip him over and say, ‘Tell your mother I saved your life!’
‘My mother would tell you to chuck me over,’ he says, turning around, his face already split into a wide smile that makes my stomach flutter.
‘Hey,’ I say.
I make a show of looking up and down the deck before leaning against him, my hips against his hips.
‘Hope,’ he says, his voice a warning.
‘I know. But no one’s around.
I miss you.’
I go up on tiptoes, leaning into him more, drifting my lips under his jaw, which I know he can’t resist.
He looks towards the bow before ducking his head to kiss me quickly, his mouth somehow soft and firm at the same time.
His radio crackles – ‘Adam, Adam, Ben.’ – and he pushes me away from him so fast I almost lose my balance.
Ben tells him to come and throw the lines for docking and Adam squeezes my hand quickly and goes.
I’m suddenly curious about what it’s like for them up on deck – and how Adam is actually getting on – so I follow him over to watch the docking procedure.
Ben tells Adam to throw the stern line to the linesman on the dock.
He throws it, but it falls short and splashes into the water.
‘Go again!’ Ben shouts.
Adam hauls the rope out of the water, loops it, throws again and misses again.
God, did I distract him?
Maybe it’s harder to throw a line with the erection I felt brewing when I leaned into him.
The linesman on the dock gestures at Adam and I hear Ben groan in frustration.
Adam tries a third time, and it spools into the water again.
‘This is so fucking simple!’ Ben shouts, his anger making his accent thicker.
He takes the rope from Adam and throws it himself.
The linesman catches it first time and starts tying up, winding the rope in a figure of eight around the bollard on the dock.
‘I could’ve got it!’ Adam says and I can hear the frustration in his voice.
‘Didn’t look like it,’ Ben says.
‘And we don’t have time for you to practise basic skills.
’
‘When exactly am I meant to practise them then?’ Adam almost shouts.
‘There’s no time to do anything.
How am I meant to learn it?
’
‘Everyone else has managed,’ Ben says, throwing up his hands in frustration.
‘And you literally could’ve caused us to crash, so sorry if I don’t have time to baby you.
’
‘Oh yeah, great,’ Adam says, his voice cracking.
‘Everyone else can do it. I’m the only useless fucker.
Thanks.’
He storms around the side of the boat and out of my sight.
‘Hope,’ Ben calls, ‘can you come down here and give me a hand?’
Ben shows me how to set the fenders and tie up the lines on the deck.
‘I shouldn’t have spoken to him like that,’ Ben says while we work.
‘You were frustrated.’
He blows out a breath.
‘That’s no excuse. It’s literally my job to .
. .’ He shakes his head.
‘He’s right, there isn’t time to handhold, but he should have it by now.
’
‘He’s hard on himself,’ I tell Ben.
‘When he dropped it the first time and knew everyone was watching, waiting for him to get it right . . .’
Ben nods.
‘I get that. I do. I’ll have a word later.
If you see him, can you ask him to come and find me?
’
Once we’ve docked, I leave Ben on the deck and find Adam in his cabin, lying on the bed.
‘Hey.’ I crouch down next to him.
‘You okay?’
He shakes his head.
‘I’m pissed off. You didn’t need to come and find me.
’
‘Ben wants to talk to you,’ I tell him.
He huffs in disgust. ‘Oh no, am I in trouble?’
‘Adam.’
I know this mood.
It’s why I wanted to talk to him before Ben did.
When Adam is embarrassed, he responds with passive aggression.
‘Sorry.’ He blows out a breath.
‘I’m just so tired. And I could’ve made that throw if they’d just left me to it.
I can’t do shit when everyone’s yelling at me.
’
‘I know,’ I tell him.
‘It’s rough when everyone’s watching.
It’s not a great way to learn.
’
‘I just . . .’ He swings his legs off the bed, perching on the edge.
I drop down to sit on the floor, legs stretched out in front of me.
‘I don’t feel like we get any time to learn anything, you know?
’ he says, rubbing a hand over his face.
‘It’s like we’re just meant to turn up here, never done any of this before, and just do it.
No one’s got time to even really show you.
’
‘I know,’ I agree.
He’s right. It’s hard.
You just have to figure it out yourself.
‘I thought I’d be better at it,’ he admits.
‘I mean, I expected to be good at it. I thought it would be easier than it is. I keep . . . I’m doing everything wrong.
’ He shakes his head.
‘I’m sure they think I’m shit.
’
‘Who?’
‘The captain. Ben. I heard Nico talking to Ben about how they gave me some leeway at first but I should be better by now. How they have to show me everything over and over. And they’re not even wrong.
I just don’t get any of it.
’
‘You felt like that when you started uni, though,’ I say.
‘Remember?’
For most of the first year and some of the second, I would do my own work and then help Adam with his.
He nods. ‘Yeah. I keep telling myself that. But that felt different. Like . . . it was hard and I did struggle, but I could sort of feel it.
It’s hard to explain.
It’s like I could see what I needed to do.
I couldn’t do it yet, but I could sort of see the path to getting there?
And it was further than I wanted it to be, but I could still see it.
This.’ He shakes his head again, his face screwed up in frustration.
‘This I can’t even see.
Even when they’re explaining stuff to me, my head’s just a blank.
’
‘You’ll get there,’ I tell him.
He did at uni. I know he can now.
‘Is Ben pissed off?’ he asks.
‘No. He’s more unhappy with how he spoke to you.
He’s a good guy.’
Adam nods.
‘I shouldn’t have lost my temper.
’
I smile. ‘No.’
‘I should go and apologise.’
‘Yep.’
He smiles then.
‘You’re better at this than I am.
You’re in your element.
You look so strong and happy.
’
‘I feel it,’ I tell him.
‘It feels right to me. I mean, it’s exhausting.
I’ve never been so tired in my life, not even with the babies waking me up all the time.
But I love it and I’m good at it and I’m glad I came.
’
He nods. ‘I can see that. I thought I would feel that too, but I just don’t.
’
His face crumples and I shift up onto my knees and wrap my arms around him, but he pulls away.
‘Don’t.’
I sit back on my heels.
He’s hunched over, elbows on his knees, head hanging down.
‘I need to tell you something.’ He doesn’t look at me.
‘I did something shit.’
I lower myself back to the floor and lean against the bed next to his legs.
My heart is already racing in anticipation of whatever it is he has to tell me.
His jaw is clenched, a muscle twitching near his ear.
He’s still not looking at me.
‘I kissed someone,’ he says.
For a second everything tilts.
I actually reach out and grab the edge of the bed.
‘That night,’ he says.
‘At the club.’
The night Berry kissed me.
My breath is caught behind my breastbone.
‘I was drunk,’Adam says, finally looking up at me.
I can’t imagine the expression he finds on my face.
‘That’s not an excuse, I know,’ he says.
‘It happened really fast. We were just talking – she came over to us, I didn’t approach her.
We were by the pool, you know?
’
I nod. A lot of the time Berry and I were dancing, Adam and Liam stayed over in the seating area next to the pool.
It was busy, the seats all full, people standing around and weaving through to get to other parts of the bar.
‘She came over, sat next to me. I knew she was flirting.’ He shakes his head.
‘Liam was talking to her friend and he was talking about us going back with them, to their hotel.’
Bloody Liam.
‘I didn’t know what to say.
Like, there was no good reason for me not to, you know?
I couldn’t say I’ve got a girlfriend in front of Liam.
So I got up and went to the bathroom.
And when I came out, she was waiting for me.
’
‘And Liam wasn’t there so you could have told her you have a girlfriend.
’
‘Yeah.’ He dips his head.
Grips the back of his neck.
‘Except I didn’t.’
I nod.
‘Right. So what did you do?’
‘She kissed me.’
The thought of Adam kissing someone else makes me feel like there’s a hand inside my chest squeezing my heart.
But Berry kissed me.
And I liked it. And I’ve thought about it so much since.
And I didn’t even consider telling Adam.
‘She touched me a bit.’ He rubs the back of his neck.
‘You know.’
‘She touched you where?’ I don’t feel like I’m taking this in properly.
Like it’s a dream and I’m going to wake up relieved this didn’t really happen.
‘Come on, Hope.’ He nods towards his crotch.
‘She touched your dick?’
‘Yeah.’ He rolls his shoulders back.
‘I’m sorry. I didn’t .
. . Like, that was it.
We went back into the club and then you and Berry were there and we left.
’
I swing my legs around so I can lean back against the bed.
‘I . . .’ he says, his voice behind me, ‘I didn’t think about how hard it would be here without being able to .
. . you know. Touch you.
Be with you. You know?
’
My stomach is churning like we’ve hit a swell and my brain is swirling too; so many thoughts are trying to force their way out of my mouth.
‘I can’t believe you kissed someone,’ I say.
My eyes are burning, but I’m not crying.
Not yet.
‘I know. I fucked up.’
This is wrong.
All of it. Adam kissing someone.
Berry kissing me. Even the fact that we have to pretend not to be together.
It’s all such a mess.
‘Maybe we should take a break,’ he says.
‘And go home? How would that work? We can’t just leave.
’
‘Not from the job.’ When I turn to look at him, I see his eyes are shining with tears.
‘From us.’
I shake my head.
‘I don’t want that. It was just a kiss.
I –’
‘I can’t do it, Hope.
I feel like I’m going mad.
There’s too much –’ He shakes his head.
‘Is there something going on at home?’ I can’t believe he’s saying this.
‘I don’t understand.
’
He pushes himself off the edge of the bed and sits on the floor opposite me, dropping his head into his hands.
‘I can’t lose this job.
I can’t. And I’m fucking it up.
I need to focus.’
‘Yeah. I get that. But –’
He shakes his head again.
‘I can’t do this. I’m sorry.
’
‘You’re actually breaking up with me?
’
It doesn’t feel real.
I want to pinch myself and for this to be a bad dream.
‘I have to, Hope,’ Adam says and he’s openly crying now. ‘I’m so sorry.’