Chapter Eleven #2
“It’s my fault, Rocket. I just… I didn’t expect to hear him actually say it out loud. Like when it was just hinted at, I could pray that it wasn’t… but… but he said it… rape. They fucking raped… children. Innocent, trusting children!”
V
Ithought I could handle it. I mean, I could handle it, I was definitely handling it, until the awful images that started to cloud my mind.
Until the harsh reality of what they were talking about broke through the bravado, and I was forced to literally absorb what was happening.
How the hell Has-Been had risen above all of that, I had no idea.
The strength it was taking right now, to face them, and force them into his own form of justice, was incomprehensible to me.
I’d been through a bad marriage. I’d been cheated on, but this? This was real evil. Pure, twisted evil.
“V…”
I swallowed against the rising bile, as those images assaulted me again. I only had to hear about it, but he lived it. They all lived it. Suffered through it. Survived it.
I darted a few steps away from Rocket, and doubled over as the bile escaped, and I groaned at the bitter taste, and the weakness I’d just shown. Both things I preferred not to do, like any sane person would rather hide.
“V, Jesus. This is all my fault.” Rocket had a habit of taking the blame for my actions, and I didn’t want it to become a thing. I didn’t want to be something that always caused him to have to accept blame, or apologise for me.
“Wind it in, Rocket,” I hissed sharply, calling up a little of my fire to keep me standing as I straightened up.
“That’s more like it,” he said with a half grin, reaching out to hover a hand beside me in case I needed it. He understood that I didn’t need him, that I could do it myself, but he was still there, just in case.
“We’ve all been in situations, haven’t we… moments where we didn’t like the decision being made for us, but we had no choice. Whether it was rules and chores as a kid, or someone controlling us… I just kept imagining how that feels, and how much worse it’d be if…”
Rocket groaned, grabbing my arm and dragging me against his chest.
“I know I shouldn’t be taking liberties here, but we both fucking need this.
” I wrapped my arms around his large body and buried my face against his warm chest. He was right that we needed it, but I’d been too stubborn to ask, or suggest it.
Too stubborn to admit I needed someone, even a fucking man.
Just… he wasn’t just any man, was he? He’d understood so much about me so fast. Why did people talk to him like he was stupid, when he seemed smarter than most of them?
“Thank you,” I mumbled against his body, relaxing a touch as his hand moved up to cup the back of my head, his fingers stroking through my hair in a soothing motion.
“Let me get you back home, woman. This isn’t a place you need to be, but you helped, okay? Just remember that you helped. That you stepped up, you read the fucking room, and you made things better.”
Tears burned my eyes, because how did he know I needed to hear those words? How did he know that sometimes a person just needs to feel fucking appreciated, and understood? How many times did my bastard ex completely overlook the things I did, and make me feel like shit?
“Can I take you home, V?”
I shook my head, finally lifting it to look him in the eye, and I loved how easily I could do that, because we were so similar in height that I’d had to sag to rest my head on his chest, but it was what I’d needed in that moment.
“You need to be here for Has-Been. He needs his brothers right now, but…” I chewed on the inside of my cheek, but was I trying to stop the next words from escaping?
“But?”
“What if I take Nixie back to your place, and wait for you there? You might… need someone to talk to or something later.”
Rocket scratched his jaw as we stepped apart. “I mean… I’d like that, I really would, but you get that it’s a shitty little room at the clubhouse, right?”
No. I hadn’t known that at all, but how bad could it be?
Half an hour later, as I unlocked his room with his key, after having to explain who I was to the little idiot on the gate, I realised it was pretty bad.
It was a windowless box room, which smelled a little like dog pee, because he had pads out for her.
Oh well. I set her on his bed, and proceeded to remove the pads, bagging them up in a spare carrier bag he’d had on the floor, and then I set out new ones.
I left the door open for a little while, sitting with Nixie on his bed, while I let the room air.
Was this a bad idea? What would happen when he returned?
Would we talk? Would he want me to go away?
Why did that guy look at me like I was a weirdo, when I drove a car in here?
He’d scratched his head and shrugged, pointing to an area with a couple of motorbikes parked in it, like cars were unheard of here, but then I guessed that was the point, what with this being a motorcycle club.
It was a bit of a dump, but clearly the value in the club was the people, and not the place.
“I’m doing the right thing, aren’t I?” I asked Nixie, who blinked sleepy eyes at me, and didn’t offer any kind of advice at all.
I sent a text to Caroline, letting her know I was waiting for Rocket here, so Auntie Pam wouldn’t worry, and then I lay down on the bed with Nixie, and stared at the pockmarked ceiling.
Hopefully lifelong retribution wouldn’t take all night, right?
That was my last thought before I dozed off.