Chapter Twenty-Seven
After V had left the clubhouse, I was hurting, fucking bruised on the inside where all my feelings were threatening to choke me.
So imagine how agonising it was to step outside my room, and have to play nice as Sophie and Micro showed off their little baby.
I mean, I was happy for them, I knew that, and they knew that, but it fucking hurt.
It was like being shown, yet again, the one thing I’d thought I was going to have, just for it to be torn away from me yet again.
I’d headed to see V, because although she’d said she wanted time, I wanted to tell her that I understood. That I didn’t want to push her, or ruin things. That I could wait until she was ready.
I’d watched those two with their baby, and realised that it was what I wanted, no matter how long V made me wait.
I wanted to fight for us, while doing my best to try and keep things light, so I wouldn’t scare her off.
I’d left Nixie with Harley and Caroline at the shop, but that’s where my day went from shit to a fucking dumpster fire.
I heard her. I heard what they were saying.
He was all she’d ever wanted. He had to be Ted, the ex-husband who’d cheated on her, and broken her.
I guess I really was just the rebound guy after all.
I was nothing more than a dick to ride until the fucker changed his mind, and came for her.
How fucking stupid I’d been, putting all my fucking hopes on her, even after she’d tried pushing me away today.
Dumbass here thought I can just take things slow, as long as we get to be together, I can give her the time she needs.
I’d wanted to tell her that I wasn’t giving up, that I wasn’t running. That I’d wait.
Fucking idiot, fucking idiot, fucking idiot. The words kept rolling in my head over and over, almost in tune to the road rumbling beneath my tyres, the repetitive sounds of the joins in the tarmac punctuating each instance.
I reached the shop in a fucking daze, and when I looked through the window, what did I see?
A happy fucking family. Another one that’s not mine.
Well, the pup they were cooing over was, but she was all I had.
I hadn’t realised she’d be all I’d get, but it’s just her and me now.
Time to move on again. Time to put all of this shit behind me.
Find another club. Or go solo. Nomad. Stay on the road, pick up short jobs here and there, and just… live.
I stepped into the shop, and Harley turned to greet me, his smile dropping away in an instant.
“Fuck. What happened? You look like you just got your heart stepped on.” Wasn’t he just fucking spot on? I shrugged, reaching out to take Nixie from Caroline, still careful not to touch his woman, even though I might have welcomed the pain of a fist against my face right now.
“Rocket?”
I swallowed hard. “What else is new, right? I uh… Thanks for the opportunity here, man. I’ll always appreciate it.”
Harley grabbed my arm, tugging me away from Caroline, as if I’d fucking hurt his woman, or any woman, for that matter.
“Talk to me, brother. You’re sounding like you’re about to do yourself in.”
I tried smiling at him, but clearly it didn’t buy me any time. If anything, he looked even more alarmed.
“Brother-”
“I’m uh… heading out of town. Need some uh… whatever. I’ll send for my shit when I’m settled.”
“Wait. Rocket, what the fuck? Don’t do this.”
I shook him off, and went to gather up Nixie’s travel carrier, and a few bits from behind the counter, tucking them into my pockets.
“Rocket, just stop and talk to me. I’ve got you, man.”
He could say it, but even as he did, he had half an eye on his woman.
On her comfort. On her fucking safety. I couldn’t hate him for it, or even judge him.
I’d have been the same, if a single fucking woman on this planet had decided to give me that chance.
I could have been her man. Her everything.
But he already was, and I’m the only fucker who didn’t realise it.
“Is it V? Did something happen?” Caroline asked, trying to get past Harley to me. I was glad he was keeping her back. Her kindness, that sweet, concerned look, they’d break me in seconds if I let myself see and hear them.
“She… it doesn’t matter. I’ll go grab my shit, and get out of here. Good luck with uh… well, everything.”
When your heart’s breaking like this, when your entire fucking world is dissolving around you, like some cunt poured acid on the walls, there’s only one thing to do.
Run. Be the coward I’ve always been, and run.
Again. Only this time I was starting over for good.
New everything. I’d even toss this phone as soon as possible, and switch to a burner.
She was getting her new, old start, and I was getting one last one.
If this didn’t work, then what fucking hope did I have?
If I couldn’t find a life that actually fit me, with people who actually wanted me, then maybe there was no place on this fucking planet for me.
They followed me outside, Harley talking at me as I strapped Nixie’s carrier to the tank, and put my helmet on.
“Come on, brother. Nothing’s so bad that we can’t help you through it.”
I offered him a quick salute of goodbye, and got on the road. I had a feeling I wouldn’t get out of the clubhouse without some other do-gooder trying to fucking talk me into staying, but it wouldn’t work. Nothing would. Leave. It’s the only fucking option I have left.
As expected, I was in my room for all of two seconds, tossing the few things I cared about into a black backpack, and the door crashed open. Micro stepped inside, with Grease beside him, and I groaned.
“Whatever it is, I didn’t do it,” I tried to joke, but it’s so fucking hard to sell when your soul feels gutted from the inside out. I felt like I could break, right in front of them, and I’d rather die, to be honest.
“Brother, talk to us. We’re family, we’re here to back each other up.”
I gave Micro the side-eye, and that’s when Grease piped up. “Yeah, what he said. Only without hugs or whatever, because you cracked my fucking tooth, asshole.”
Despite myself, despite the hell of my fucking life, I grinned at him.
“That’ll teach you to be a cunt.”
Micro groaned. “No, you’re not starting this shit now. Rocket, stop packing. For fuck’s sake, is this really what you want? Starting over somewhere else? No friends? No brothers? No anyone?” Wasn’t that what I already had right now? If I left right now, what was I losing, really?
I zipped up the backpack and set it on the bed, easing my cut off my shoulders. Fuck me, it never failed to amaze me just how naked I felt without it. It was a part of me, or at least it had been, but I couldn’t take it with me. A fresh start had to be from scratch this time.
“Rocket, no,” Micro groaned, nudging Grease, who rolled his eyes.
“We’re family, man. Whether we’re beefing or not, we’re family. You need us, we’re here. I’m not doing the pussy thing, but you don’t let family disappear like this.”
I smoothed my hands over the still-warm leather, while it sat face down on my bed, the large patch on the back practically glowing with its fiery colours.
Fuck me, leaving it was harder than I’d expected.
Even when I left the old clubhouse, I’d been coming to another Phoenix chapter, but now?
I was going to be clubless. Completely fucking alone.
“No, man, no. You’re not leaving like this. I won’t fucking allow it!” Micro gritted out, stepping in front of me as I threw on my leather jacket, and moved toward the door. I cast one last regretful glance at my cut as I grabbed Nixie in her carrier, ready to leave for good.
“Sorry, Pres… or I guess, you’re not my Pres anymore, right?
I have nobody. Maybe I was always supposed to be alone.
” Even Grease looked shocked as I pushed my way between them both and headed for my ride.
It felt weird as all hell being outside, and heading for my wheels without that cut on my back.
I’d worn one for the last five years with this club.
I thought it’d be draped over my coffin when I passed on.
“Oi cunt! I’ll fucking knock you out if you don’t stop!
” Grease was running after me, with Micro on his heels, and the few brothers who were here, because there were never many at once, were all standing watching at this point.
I even saw Henley hanging with the gate prospect, Joey.
Did we prospect him in already and I didn’t know?
Henley stepped in my direction too, but Micro waved at him to stay.
“Brother, don’t do this. Whatever’s going on, we’re a family. We help each other through their shit, and you know that. You’re reacting to something right now, and I don’t know what it is, but stop and talk to us. One beer. Can you just do that? One fucking beer?”
“Where’s his cut?” I heard Stag yell from the lounge doorway, and I once again felt its absence, the lack of its weight over my shoulders. Was I really running from this?
“I need to go, Micro. I need to fucking get out of here. You care about me? Stop making a spectacle of me and let me go.”
I turned to get Joey’s attention. “Let me out, prospect.”
“Don’t fucking open that gate!” Micro countered, stepping between me and my ride.
“Rocket, come on. We’ve both been through so much shit, but we’re here now, we have a home. We have a future. We have family. You know we’ve both always fucking needed that.”
I swallowed hard, edging past him to my ride, strapping Nixie on while he watched helplessly, unwilling to risk hurting her.
“You have a family, Micro. You have a future. I’m still out of place, but I’ll keep trying ‘til I find where I’m meant to be. It’s just not here.”
Grease caught Micro’s arm as he tried to stop me again.
“Let him go, Pres. He’s just being a pussy and taking the easy way out. He’s walking out on his club, on his fucking colours.”
“Grease, for fuck’s sake.”