13. Suzie
Suzie
“O h God, I’m dying. I am totally dying.”
Obviously, as a professional in the medical field I knew that I wasn’t actually dying, but I felt as though I might be. My skin was flushed with sweat, fever slightly elevated, and I couldn’t move without causing my stomach to lurch and flip. It was quite a disorienting feeling, having no control over my body. Suddenly, I knew what many of the patients at JRMC had gone through, losing sensation in their limbs, hit with cancer, having no control over the way their bodies functioned.
I now understood completely and made a mental note to call each and every one of those former patients and offer my sincerest apologies. Every move, every shift of my limbs made me feel ill, sent painful fireworks shooting off behind my eyes. I hated it, spending more than an hour in bed when I should have been dressed and already embedded in my office, checking emails and making sure each department had what they needed.
Instead, it was going on ten o’clock and here I was still in bed, eyes screwed shut, willing the sickness to go away or make my death quick and painless. Either way, I just needed it to stop.
But it didn’t.
When noon rolled around, I managed to peel myself off the uncomfortably damp sheets and step into a lukewarm shower without the room spinning. I dressed quickly, as if I could outrun the feeling of nausea and fever that had settled over me like squatters, taking up residence whether I wanted them there or not, in black leggings and a long-sleeved black T-shirt, the only splash of my color my yellow-rimmed eyeglasses. I didn’t look the part of capable hospital administrator, but a slightly incognito patient as I entered Jackson’s Ridge Medical Center.
Instead of stopping at Melanie Gibbons’—thankfully—empty desk, I rushed past it with my head down and went in search of Persy. I found her bent over her phone inside her office, a wide smile on her face that said she was chatting with Ryan.
“Hey, Persy, think you can fit me into your schedule for the day?”
She looked up as if she’d been caught sexting, cheeks pink and a sheepish smile on her face. “Yep. What’s up?”
She listened with a neutral expression as I listed my symptoms.
“It started as soon as I woke up this morning, or maybe it’s why I woke up. Either way, I feel terrible.”
Persy stood and put on her white coat like it was a cape that transformed her immediately into doctor mode. “Let’s go start with blood and urine tests and then I’ll get you into an exam room.”
I nodded, feeling slightly relieved now that I was doing something about the symptoms, but I couldn’t deny the worry that went through me. “I hope it’s not the flu because I just don’t have time for that right now. Though I suppose it could be exhaustion, I have been working a lot lately.”
Persy snorted a laugh. “When would ‘lately’ be, exactly? Have you even taken time off in the past two or three years?”
I hadn’t. “I enjoy a day off when I need it, and girls’ nights are like a full day away from this place.”
“No, they’re not. And working too much could be just as responsible for your symptoms as the flu, or worse, your defenses were lowered because you haven’t been taking care of yourself.”
I let out a low groan when she removed the tiny needle from my arm. “I eat healthy and I try to exercise regularly.”
She nodded, acknowledging the truth of my words. “But what about your mind and your heart? Maybe they’re exhausted, too.” Persy held a cup out to me and shooed me toward the bathroom. “I’ll meet you in exam room three.”
I filled the cup and stood outside exam room three, my heart thudding in my chest as I prepared myself for all the possibilities. Whatever this is, I already have it. No need to worry. I pushed the door open and went inside. “All right, what’s next?”
Persy went through the list of questions that included my family history, date of my last period and the most unexpected question of all. “That’s more than six weeks, could you be pregnant?”
I sucked in a breath at my friend’s question and shook my head. Pregnant? “No, not possible.”
Isn’t it? the snarky voice in my head chimed in, bringing me back to reality. I closed my eyes and instantly I was transported back to all the times I’d been with Gavin over the past couple of months. The orgasms. The kisses. The touching and tasting. Me on my knees. His face buried between my legs. His lean hips thrusting deep. Lots and lots of sex, more than I’d ever had, and not a condom in sight.
“Oh. My. God.” The shock was visceral, as if my chest had just slammed into the steering wheel at thirty miles per hour.
I looked up to find a sympathetic grin on Persy’s face. “You can tell me, you know? I’m bound by doctor-patient confidentiality.”
I gave her a look with one brow arched and my lips pursed. “That’s a cheap way to dig into my personal life, Persephone.”
She flashed an innocent smile before a laugh exploded out of her. “First of all, we’re friends, which gives me every right to dig. Second, I wasn’t aware you had a personal life.”
“Touché,” I sighed. “I’ve been sort of seeing Gavin. It’s nothing serious, just a bit of fun and a lot of sex until he goes back to Hollywood.”
“And you’re all right with those terms?”
I sighed, because of course I wasn’t all right with it. “It’s not terms, per se. We never talked about it, but come on, Persy. He’s not settling down here when his life is back in California. And when or if he does, it won’t be with a woman like me.”
I knew that and wouldn’t convince myself of anything else.
“Right. Well, maybe you want to talk to Gavin about what this is before you make up your mind.”
A knock sounded on the door and an arm slid inside to hand Persy a folder.
“I don’t want to talk to him about it. I know the truth.” And I couldn’t bear to see him look at me with a pitying look while he searched for ways to let me down easy.
“You think you do, but he clearly likes you. No offense, but if it was just sex or a distraction, there are plenty of willing women to warm his bed.”
“True,” I sighed. “All the more reason to accept what this is.”
And isn’t.
Persy nodded, but she had that expression on her face that said she didn’t agree. “Suzie, your urine shows high levels of HCG, and you know what that means. You’re pregnant. We can wait for the blood test to confirm it but, based on the levels, I’m confident that’s the cause of your symptoms. As your friend, it’s time to think about what you really want.”
The answer came immediately. I want this baby . No matter what Gavin said he wanted with us or this baby, my decision was solid. Firm. I wanted to be a mother, and as sad as it was to admit to myself, given my age and lack of a social life, this might be my only shot to give birth to a child of my own. Then, like my own parents, I would focus on adopting or fostering children who needed a stable, loving home.
I sat a little taller on the exam table and looked Persy right in those clear violet eyes. “I’m having this baby.”
“You sure you don’t want to talk to Gavin first?”
I shook my head. “I’ll tell him.” Eventually. “But my mind is made up. I want this baby.” He or she wasn’t planned, but that didn’t mean I wouldn’t make the most of this opportunity. This experience.
Persy’s smile came slow and bright. “Then let me be the first to congratulate you.” She leaned in close and wrapped me in a tight, supportive hug. “Whatever you need, I’m here.”
“Thank you, Persy.” It meant a lot to know I would have a support system here. It filled me with confidence that I would be able to do this alone. Mostly alone, anyway.
“No problem. I’m prescribing you basic prenatal vitamins, but I recommend you make an appointment with obstetrics right away, unless you plan to go somewhere other than JRMC to protect your privacy?”
I laughed. “That would be pointless since I’m keeping the baby and eventually will start to show.” Jackson’s Ridge was a small town and it wouldn’t take long before someone put two and two together to realize that Gavin was my baby’s father.
“Maybe Gavin will be happy about the baby,” Persy offered with a hopeful smile.
I shook my head, knowing he wouldn’t be. Without breaking Gavin’s medical privacy, I sighed and told Persy the truth. “His stay here is very temporary and it would be stupid of me to think otherwise.”
His voice was getting stronger by the day, and I knew I had weeks, possibly days, before he left Jackson’s Ridge in his rearview. Maybe forever.
“It doesn’t matter what he thinks because I’m having the baby, but I will let him know so he doesn’t find out from someone else.” However Gavin reacted, I would handle it the way I handled bad news, adversity, or trauma—with my head held high. And a plan.
“I’ve done it, so if you need any help or just an ear to listen, I’m your girl.”
“Thank you, Persy.” I dressed and hugged her again before I made my way back home to think, and to plan.
Having a plan in place would make everything less scary.