Chapter 7
Keira lay for a long time in her bed, her body on fire, the heat burning hottest low in her belly. She’d never felt this level of longing. It was a physical ache no pain medication could touch.
Was this desire?
After being raped by the foster family’s son, and then by men who’d raped her while she’d been drugged nearly unconscious, her idea of sex had been distorted into a form of torture to be endured, not enjoyed.
Then why did she want Rogue so badly she couldn’t get him out of her mind?
Did she want him to touch her where that teenager and the other men had touched her? Would she recoil when he did?
With Onyx, Viktor and the other men they’d trained with hadn’t tried to force themselves on the girls.
Viktor had enforced strict rules about fraternizing and put the kibosh on anyone who stepped over the line.
Part of reinforcing the concept of no longer being a victim was teaching the girls how to defend themselves against anyone, no matter how big or strong he might be.
She’d seen a petite ten-year-old take down a man who had to have been over two hundred pounds.
Keira had practiced self-defense techniques so often they were committed to muscle memory. Viktor made it a point to attack the trainees when they least expected it, testing their ability to defend and escape.
Keira had nearly broken Viktor’s thumb and had bloodied his nose on separate occasions.
Rather than being mad, he’d congratulated her on her skills.
She’d worked hard on hand-to-hand combat skills as well as her weapons training, learning that not all weapons were guns and knives, although she was an expert at both.
She’d ripped through training dummies with broken bottles, splintered boards and items found in a carpenter’s toolbox, as well as an old woman’s knitting bag.
She’d trained until defending herself was as natural as breathing.
Maybe Rogue had been right to suggest they wait to have sex. Maybe he was afraid she’d be triggered when he touched her in a certain way. All that self-defense training with Onyx could kick in. She could go all survival mode and hurt him.
Shit. Maybe she would.
Keira hadn’t had sex with anyone since her sister had died, and she’d escaped the traffickers. She had no idea how she’d react.
On that thought, she lay back in her bed, staring up at the ceiling she couldn’t see, trying to see the future and how she’d respond to a man making love to her. Like the ceiling, she couldn’t see herself in that future.
With a sigh, she rolled over, punched her pillow and forced those thoughts into that box in the back of her mind and focused on the darkness until she finally fell asleep.
She woke several times in the night, checked her clock and forced herself to go back to sleep. When her clock showed it was five, she gave up, got up and dressed in dark jeans, a dark, long-sleeved T-shirt and black combat boots.
She and Rogue would make their way to Bandera that day, a trip that would take two hours if they went straight there, but more if they varied their approach to keep from being tracked by Onyx, Strickland or the Kaufman Syndicate.
They could be monitoring CCTV footage with facial recognition software or sending drones into the sky to look for them. They might have traced the drone Royce had sent and could be closing in on her cabin at that moment.
Keira checked her handgun and slipped it into her shoulder holster. She strapped a scabbard on her ankle and tucked a taser into the pocket of the jacket she’d wear later.
Once she was ready for the day, she eased the bedroom door open and tiptoed down the hallway to the bathroom, where she brushed her teeth and pulled her hair up into a loose bun at her crown.
She’d wear her helmet over it when on her motorcycle and a hat when she went to meet Jade.
Makeup wasn’t an option, not even to cover the dark circles beneath her eyes.
Keira sighed and opened the door to the bathroom, startled to find Rogue standing there, his hand out as if reaching for the doorknob.
“Sorry.” He dropped his hand. “I didn’t realize you were up.”
“It’s okay.” She stepped out and moved aside. “I’m all done in here.”
He didn’t make a move toward the bathroom. Instead, he faced Keira. “About last night, I didn’t want you to think I wasn’t interested.”
She held up her hand. “You don’t have to say anything. I thought a lot about what you said. Though it pains me to say it, you were right.”
His brow furrowed. “About which part?”
Her lips twitched. “The part about making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with crackers.” She shook her head.
“Seriously. The part about triggers. You’re right.
I haven’t had... consensual relations with a man.
I really don’t know how I might react. I could potentially hurt someone through no fault of his own. ”
Rogue’s frown deepened. “I’m not afraid of being hurt. I just don’t want you to relive the nightmares.”
“You don’t have to worry about that.” She patted his arm. “It’s a moot point. We’re not having sex, so it won’t be a problem.” Keira walked away before he could respond. He’d been right to stop something before it started. The fact that she might not be stable was a possibility.
Keira entered the kitchen, poured water into the coffeemaker and added a couple of scoops of coffee.
“He’s right,” she whispered. “I know he’s right. Then why doesn’t it make me feel better?”
She grabbed a coffee mug from the cabinet and plunked it onto the counter, a little harder than necessary.
Okay, so she was still a little irritated that he hadn’t taken her up on her offer the night before, even if it meant reliving past trauma.
And she’d spent too much time mulling it over and wishing he had.
“I mean, how am I supposed to know how I’ll react if I don’t give it a try?” she murmured.
“Were you talking to me?” Rogue’s voice sounded behind her.
Keira jumped, knocking the coffee mug off the counter.
Rogue lunged, catching it in midair. When he straightened, he was mere inches from her. The heat radiating from his body warmed hers.
“Do you know how dangerous it is to sneak up on me?” she demanded.
He grinned. “I wasn’t sneaking. Apparently, you were so busy talking, you didn’t hear me. Were you saying something to me?”
“Uh…no. I was just talking to myself.” Her cheeks warming, Keira took the mug from his hand and set it on the counter. She pulled another mug from the cabinet and set it beside the first, her hand shaking slightly. Had he overheard her?
He reached around her, his arm brushing against hers, and switched on the coffeemaker. “What was it you wanted to try?” he asked, his mouth so close to her ear, his breath stirred tendrils of her hair across her earlobe.
Keira shivered with awareness, that ache flaring low in her belly. She clenched her fists and willed it to go away.
It didn’t.
Damn it. Why did he have that effect on her?
His hands encircled her arms. “Do you want me to leave you alone so that you can continue your conversation?” His tone held a note of humor.
“Yes,” she said.
As soon as he removed his hands from her arms, she spun to face him. “No.”
He cocked an eyebrow. “Which is it to be? Yes or no?”
“Stay,” she said, her cheeks burning. “I’ll leave.”
She rushed out of the kitchen and back down the hall to the bathroom. There, she splashed water in her face to cool the heat.
The man confused her.
She confused herself. Her life hadn’t taken the usual route.
She hadn’t dated and didn’t know how to flirt.
She really hadn’t talked to men in a casual way.
She was out of her league and failing miserably.
All the self-defense training she’d acquired while with Onyx had done nothing to prepare her for Rogue.
He was all man and all-consuming.
Keira continued splashing water on her face until the heat faded, and she could breathe normally.
She was being ridiculous. The man had no interest in an assassin who’d been violated by other men on more than one occasion.
Offering herself to him had made no difference in his opinion, if not to prove the reality her background had created.
She was used and damaged goods. She’d better remember that and focus on what was important.
Jade wanted out of Onyx as much as Keira. Both women were on a track to be erased from the organization before they could reveal the truth about what they’d been programmed to do.
Keira emerged from the bathroom minutes later, her shoulders squared, ready to get down to business and help her counterpart.
She walked past the kitchen, hoping to avoid Rogue.
“Hey,” his voice called out.
She paused, drew in a deep breath and let it out before turning toward him.
His smile made her pulse flutter all over. “Yes?” She cocked an eyebrow in his direction, feigning more confidence than she felt.
“Care for a peanut butter and jelly cracker sandwich?” His eyes sparkled.
Keira frowned, trying not to fall for his gentle humor. “No, thank you.”
He stepped toward her. “Look. I’m sorry if I crowded you. I only want to help.”
“You didn’t crowd me,” she said.
“Whatever I did to offend you, I’m sorry.” He held out his hand. “Forgive me?”
She stared down at the hand, afraid to take it. Afraid she’d have the same reaction as she’d had every time she’d touched the man. “You didn’t offend me. No apology necessary.” When she continued toward the living room, his hand reached out and snagged hers.
Keira stopped and stared down at the hand holding her back. She didn’t like being so short and antagonistic. But she’d spent years being attacked and led her to believe that women needed to be on the offensive or give that impression. “You have something to say?”
“Yes,” he said. “We’re going to Bandera today. Do you want me to give Royce a heads-up? He’s not far from there in Bruer. He and more of the team can provide backup should we need it.”