Chapter 6 #3
At least he was honest. I stepped close enough to put my hand on his chest. His heart was beating as hard as mine. “Then we’d better not die tomorrow.”
He stared at me. Then he laughed. It was rusty and surprised, like the sound had escaped without authorization. “You’re not afraid of anything."
“I’m afraid of plenty.”
“Name one thing.”
“Going back to Earth and pretending the tower was enough. Waking up ten years from now and realizing I crossed light-years of space and ended up with the same empty life I had before, just in a new place.” I flattened my palm over his heart.
“I’m afraid you’ll keep using Tavik to punish yourself until there’s nothing left of you but a uniform and a bad attitude. ”
“My attitude is appropriate for the seriousness of our task.”
“It’s terrible.”
“Then why do you want me?” Vesh frowned as if he already regretted the question. The vulnerability I saw in his eyes made me pause. This was a serious—very serious—question.
“You're brave, intelligent, disciplined. You're handsome. You have more honor in your little finger than that asshole, Wroxxon, has in his entire body."
I leaned into him and his gaze dropped to my mouth.
"I’m not afraid of wanting you, Vesh. I'm a little afraid of our mission tomorrow. I don't want to die. But the only thing that truly terrifies me is wanting you and being too scared to do anything about it.”
His hands landed on either hip and he bent down to press his forehead to mine. “We survive tomorrow,” he said. “Then I will do something about it.”
The promise in his voice curled my toes inside my boots. “Something specific?”
He leaned down until his mouth was beside my ear. “I am going to remove every piece of your clothing. I am going to put my mouth on the mark at your neck and my hands everywhere else. Then I am going to make you come until you are too exhausted to argue with me.”
My knees weakened. His arms slipped around my waist before I hit the deck. “Good luck, Romeo. I really like to argue.”
“Challenge accepted.”
"Why not tonight? Why not now? I don't want to wait."
"I will not be able to focus tomorrow if you are already mine. I will be distracted. Unwilling to take risks. I will be a danger to the mission. My decision making will be compromised. I won't risk your life on this mission because I lack self-control."
"So, if you don't fuck me, I can die and it'll be fine? But if you fuck me, then you'll care?" Fury was boiling its way to the surface inside me.
"That is not fair. I am trying to protect you."
"No. It's not fair at all. This isn't about me. What about future missions? What are you going to do then? Have sex with me and then never go on another mission ever again?"
"We will have time to adjust before we are forced into combat again."
"Bullshit. You're being an asshole." Time to adjust?
I didn't need time to adjust. I wanted him now.
I pulled away from him and immediately regretted it.
I missed his heat. His touch. His warmth.
But what fucking good did it do me to want him when he didn't want me?
Talk about distracted. I was going to be a god damned mess tomorrow.
As soon as this mission was over, I'd request reassignment. I couldn't live like this. If he was too broken to love me, I'd move on. Set him free. Give him what he wanted and find a man who wasn't afraid to touch me.
We hiked back to our quarters without touching.
At the unlocked door between our rooms, Vesh stopped.
I waited. His eyes went to my mouth. For a second, I thought discipline was going to lose again.
I thought maybe he wanted me more than he wanted his stupid pride.
Enough to overcome his fear. Enough to convince him to risk his heart for real.
“Goodnight, Priya,” he said.
“Coward.”
He went into his room without answering. I went into mine. I lay awake for a long time with one hand over the warm mark on my neck, listening to him turn over on the other side of the unlocked door. Tomorrow we might die. If that happened, I'd never know what it felt like to be in his arms.
Then again, I wasn't going to find out anyway.
He didn't want me. He'd made that crystal clear.
I was an Elite Starfighter, an asset to the war effort.
Nothing more. He was tolerating me because it was the right thing to do to help his people, not because he wanted me in his life.
In fact, he didn't want me in his life at all.
According to him I was just a distraction. An unwanted temptation. A weakness.
No sense making love to him now. If I did, leaving him would be even harder.
Fucking asshole. I really wanted to hate him, but I couldn't do it.
I had no idea how hard it had been for him to lose his brother.
I'd been here what? A couple days? And I expected him to just rearrange his entire life and give me his heart because I was in love with the video game version of him?
That wasn't the real Vesh. I was in love with a fairy tale, a fantasy, a dream I'd convinced myself was real.
"Don't be stupid, Priya." I frowned into my pillow and tried to go to sleep.