Chapter 18
MATTY
Drowning my feelings in sex was a failure. A hot, satisfying failure, but still a damn failure.
That doesn't mean my heart doesn’t fill itself full of repressed emotions when I wake up in Elias’ embrace.
It's morning if light filtering in though the window is anything to go by, and I’m extra aware of how naked we both are. One of my legs is slung over his hips, his morning wood angled perfectly for me to rut against—or shift my hips and slip him inside me.
But my hole aches in protest, and my dick feels rubbed raw.
I haven't come like that since Riley and I started dating—and I have to shake my head hard to dislodge the thought.
I don't want him invading these moments with Elias. I want to appreciate these feelings without the looming threat of what I lost, of what I stand to lose again.
I turn and press my nose to Elias’ throat. He's a deep sleeper, doesn't stir even when I press in close, head to his chest to hear his heartbeat.
The realization sits like a heavy weight in my chest. I'm in love with him. Sometime between our late night talks and sitting outside Randy’s Diner after our fight, my infatuation with Elias Lee transformed into a soul-carved caring strong enough to make me lose my bearings.
This is the connection I’ve been missing—craving—and my body made damn sure I cemented that shit to memory.
It’s how he trusts me when I say I can handle it rough, but he’ll check in, make us take a breather so he can cover me in soft, gentle touches and sweet kisses.
If I lay here in bed too much longer I’ll likely never leave it. I’ll wait for Elias to wake, trade lazy kisses and teasing touches until we’re both too worked up to hold back, and then we’ll fuck for the millionth time and roll out of bed only to hop in the shower and do it all over again.
I’m not opposed, but there’s a voice in the back of my head saying I need distance. So, even though his arms are calling to me, I slip away from Elias’ warmth and pad into the bathroom. It’s smaller than the main one, but it still has a shower, toilet, and sink.
I warm the water up and step beneath the spray, not realizing how tense I am until the heat washes it away. Hannah sent me a check in text asking if I was okay after yesterday, and while I’ve opened and closed the message a handful of times, I haven’t figured out how to respond.
I am okay. Elias knows he was acting like a dick, and we spent some time before he left for work talking about our insecurities. In that respect, I’m alright.
I had a night full of intense, passionate sex, and my pesky little heart decided that we were done riding the line and fell head first in love with Elias. Or maybe I’ve been in love with him from the start.
The way he looks at me, the overly gentle ways he touches me, they all fire off the synapses in my brain that maybe he’s falling in love with me, too.
I towel off my hair when I step out of the shower and then braid it back, trying to push through the confusing mess of feelings. Elias is still asleep when I cross back into the room, and seeing his drooling, snoring face eases the storm cloud of worry.
Elias is safe.
Loving him isn’t a hardship. It isn’t a burden.
Sure, I’m scared shitless of trying again, but regardless of how deep it runs, Elias cares for me, too. We’ll navigate whatever comes next, together.
Feeling a little less trepidation, I grab a pair of boxers and sweats from my drawers and a t-shirt from Elias’. I’m a clothing thief through and through, and I not-so-secretly love the look in his eyes every time he catches me in something of his.
Cal’s cartoons echo down the hallway as I close the bedroom door. He’s flopped in a beanbag with one of his blankets wrapped around himself singing along to the movie playing on the TV.
Miya is sitting in the loveseat drinking coffee, looking every bit as tired as I feel. She looks up when I cross to the couch and inclines her head to the kitchen.
“There’s coffee in the pot if you want any.”
I can feel her eyes on me as I head into the kitchen, and I get the feeling that Elias and I weren’t as quiet as we thought.
Needing to do something with my hands, I grab the waffle mix and maker from the cabinet.
While I prefer pancakes, Cal is into crunchy foods lately as opposed to mushy, so waffles it is.
I’m halfway through what I prepared of the mix when I feel someone watching me closer, and I know it isn’t Elias because Cal will shout and jump him the moment he steps into the living room.
It’s really fucking cute, honestly. I liked having Lee to myself last night, where we could just be boyfriends of sorts, but I also love seeing him be a dad. How he’ll get on the floor and play with Cal or throw him over his shoulder and zoom around like superheroes.
It’s one aspect where I feel like I’m on the outside looking in. Like I’m a guest in their dynamic.
If Lee and I started something, where did that put me with Cal?
“It’s too early for all of those emotions.”
I jump and narrowly avoid burning my arm on the waffle maker. Don’t need a repeat of that.
Miya is leaning on the counter beside me, coffee cup to her lips, and I don’t think I’ve seen her without a cup of it since she got here. That’s a lot of caffeine.
“What?”
She shrugs, setting the mug down on the counter and stretching out her arms. “Did you and my brother have a good time?”
Oh, yeah. She knows.
I huff out a sigh and pull the last of the waffles, unplugging the maker and pushing it back on the counter. “I’m sorry.”
Her brows fly up and so do her hands. “Don’t apologize. My brother got laid; I’m happy for him. I just happened to go to the bathroom around the time you were getting railed.”
Thank fuck she doesn’t know there were many railings going on last night. Elias’ stamina is something else.
“Why assume it was me?” Elias had expressed a possible interest in bottoming, and while I’ve never topped anyone, I’d do it in a heartbeat if he asked.
“You’re cute, but I don’t think my brother would be shouting his own name.” She pinches her lips in a frown. “I think I need to bleach my brain.”
I think I like Miya. Fuck, I think I like this whole family.
A sharp sting hits me in the chest, and I rub my knuckles across it as if it would ease the ache.
“You’re lucky the two of you fit together so well.”
A bundle of nerves has taken root in my stomach, and I busy myself with separating the waffles onto plates. “What do you mean?”
“Roxy and I clashed right out the gate.” Miya snickers and takes her offered breakfast. “I had moved to California to pursue classical music—violin—and she heard me playing on the street outside where her derby team practices. Let’s say she was less than impressed.”
Her pursed expression tells me that’s an understatement.
“Is that what you do, then? Classical music?”
That makes her laugh. “Oh god, no. Roxy set my ass straight. By day, I’m a small business graphic designer. By night, I still play my violin but it’s much more grunge now.”
I did not know anything you did with a violin could be ‘grunge’.
“Ei used to play, too, but he never had the passion I did.”
“That’s right, he mentioned a band in college.”
Miya’s face falls, and she focuses on stuffing her face.
“Yeah …” Once her throat is clear, she taps her fork on the counter.
“It made him happy, and it was sort of his version of rebellion. See, our parents, while born and raised here, still hold a lot of traditional values. Music was one of their ways of keeping us connected to our culture, and while I never minded it—enjoyed it even—Ei hated every second of it. The rigidness, the rules. At the first chance he got, he threw all of that out the window.”
She turns to look at me, and there’s a deep sorrow in her eyes.
“He picked up the bass strictly because it was so far from the stuffy shit we grew up with. It was his ultimate ‘fuck you’ to our parents … until it wasn’t.
He fell in love with that thing. Played non-stop.
Come to find out he was equally head over heels for his band mate. ”
That’s where the sour look comes from. “You mean Calum’s mom, right?”
Miya doesn’t even attempt to hide her scowl. “Egg donor is more like it,” she grumbles. “They both made that bed, and I love Cal more than life itself, don’t get me wrong, but … How do you leave a kid like that? How do you abandon your own child?”
Bile rises in my throat, and the food suddenly looks inedible. “Parenthood isn’t for everyone.”
“But she could have tried. To be in any part of Cal’s life. I know Ei called her when Cal got his diagnosis, as a courtesy, and she still said nothing. Just a ‘thanks for the heads up’, and he hasn’t heard from her again. It’s fucking selfish and immature.”
“It’s a good thing she isn’t here, then,” I snap, bracing my hands on the counter top. “Cal doesn’t need someone like that raising him. He needs Lee. Life wouldn’t have magically been better or easier if she’d stuck around.”
“It could have taken the burden off of my brother.”
“Your brother doesn’t feel burdened.” I hate the gross taste in my mouth at the insinuation.
“He wanted Cal. Still wants him. With or without help. He gave her an out. She took it. It might suck to think about, but believe me when I tell you that the last thing in the world you want is a parent who is on the fence about their child. It never ends well. For anyone.”
I haven’t spoken to my own parents since the day I left home. No contact and never looked back.
“Sounds like I struck a nerve.”
“I’m a gay trans man. I hit the parental disappointment and emotional abandonment jackpot.” My smile is supposed to be reassuring, but if it’s anything like the rueful nest in my chest, I’m sure it misses the mark.
Her eyes soften, and suddenly the resemblance between her and Lee is striking. It’s more than just their dark hair and dark eyes. It’s their demeanor. That gentle contemplation weaved with a surreal kindness.
“I care very much about your brother.” I swallow around a lump in my throat. “Cal too. He doesn’t deserve to have someone coming in and out of his life all wishy-washy with their feelings. Stability and routine are really important for autistic children.”
Miya props her chin in her open palm, leaning against the counter. “What about you? Are you confident in your feelings? Willing to give him that stability?”
I open my mouth to say that Elias and I aren’t that serious, even in this pretend version of things we’re selling her, but it feels like a lie. Which is annoying because acting like we’re a happy family, that’s the lie. Yet it comes about as naturally as dance does.
“I want to,” I find myself saying, and realize that it’s the truth. “I want to be a sure thing for him. For both of them.”
The sex couldn’t have been good enough to knock down years of anxiety and self doubt, or a lifetime of never being good enough for any of the people who were supposed to love me.
My parents.
Riley.
Elias sees me. All of me. Every piece. Every crack. He sees it, and he embraces it—embraces me.
“I approve this message.” Miya breaks me out of my thoughts, but something, a little niggling, remains just out of reach. “You love him, don’t you?”
If it’s that obvious to her, someone who barely knows me, does that mean Elias will see it as well? Or have we both well and truly fooled each other into thinking there’s a legitimate reason to hold back?
Before I can answer, there’s a commotion behind us, and I don’t have to turn to know that Elias has finally graced us with his presence. The chair Cal has been sitting in rattles, his usual “Daddy shark” greeting playing like one of his looping videos.
Miya is watching them while I simply listen to Elias’ voice deep with sleep as he swings his son around the living room.
My heart can’t take looking at him right now. Looking at them. At how badly I want this. A family. Not just any family, but this one.
Even if I let myself accept that, let myself hope for it, where does that leave me if Elias isn’t on the same page? Is that something I’m willing to risk? Having all of this, in any capacity, for however long he decides to keep me in his life, or risk losing it for a chance at forever?
Fuck. Forever.
Minds change like the wind, hearts like the seasons.
At least for now, I have this little pocket of happiness. That’s all life ever seems to afford me.
Maybe I should accept that it’s all I deserve.