Chapter 21
MATTY
Stupid fingers. Not listening to a single thing I say.
I’m on Cal duty tonight while Elias takes Miya over to the club.
Not a full blown bachelorette party since she doesn’t really have any friends hanging around here, but I heard a mention of a video call with her fiancée.
It’s not actually one of Elias’ work nights, so Cal has been a little off kilter since he’s been gone.
I, on the other hand, am frozen staring at the start of a conversation I can’t bring myself to send. I’m the one who said we were cool. Who said neither of us had anything to feel bad about. That we’re free to move on.
The last message Riley sent me sits unanswered, received while I was still twiddling away at the diner months ago after Riley’s visit.
Riley
Happy looks good on you, squirt. Don’t let anyone take that away from you again.
As much as I wanted it, I wasn’t in a place to let him back into my life. I couldn’t let myself care about him, because the risk was too great for me to fall into old patterns.
Now, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I’ve moved on. That any lingering feelings are strictly from how deep a friendship we had. Above all else, in the gaps our tentative love couldn’t fill, we had our friendship to fall back on, and we abused it.
I don’t need his permission the same way he didn’t need mine. I don’t need him to clear my conscience or ease some unspoken burden.
I want my friend. It’s the commitment I’ve run from the longest. I want Riley in my life, and even if he doesn’t, even if I can’t have that, I have to try.
Because to fight for Elias, I first have to fight for myself.
Easier said than done.
“Cal! No, sir, the curtains are not for playing.” For probably the tenth time in as many minutes, I put my phone on the table to stop Calum from getting into something.
Maybe it’s my nerves, but I’ve barked at him more than once and gotten the stink eye in return.
Deep breath. It isn’t Cal’s fault that I’m a chicken shit.
I drop my forehead to the window, listening to Cal’s laughter as he plops back on the couch.
Why is this so hard?
My mood has been soaring since Lee and I filmed him bottoming the other day. Even got a boost when I had to sit down to edit it, and I may have talked Lee into playing with my ass while I did, which led to me sitting on his dick until I was finished.
Infinite points for a mood boost.
I take my spot next to Cal on the couch, shoulders slumped in defeat, because I have to be honest—I’m never going to send that damn message.
My muscles groan with the effort it takes to lean over and swipe my phone from the coffee table, but all I touch is glass. With a frown, I glance at the floor to see if it fell, but nope.
That’s when I hear one of Cal’s videos beside me, and I find him tucked into the corner of the couch, giggling his head off, while scrolling through Youtube on my phone.
“Cal.” I take a deep breath and sigh it out, then reach over and pluck it from his fingers. He pouts at me and shouts one of his scripts that I can’t quite make the words out to, but I know it means he’s not happy with my decision. “Your tablet is on the charger. Play with your toys.”
Calum crosses his arms and kicks his feet—signaling I’m no longer welcome on the couch. Which is fine. I go into the kitchen to pour a glass of orange juice just to have something to do with my hands, and then I’m making us both Nutella and banana sandwiches.
Maybe it’s a peace offering. Maybe it’s a bribe. Who knows?
After dropping off his plate and receiving one of Cal’s signature side eyes, I lean back on the kitchen counter and go to look over the never-to-be-sent text for the millionth time.
Me
Can we talk? If that’s alright with your boyfriend? If you even want to. I kind of need someone to bounce off of, and you were always really great at keeping me level-headed. Telling me when I’m doing something stupid. I need to know if I’m doing something stupid.
Just below are the tiny, all caps letters ‘READ’.
Oh no.
Shit. Cal must have sent it when he grabbed my phone.
Before I can even think about un-sending it—that’s an option, right?—the typing bubble pops up and the kernel of anxiety explodes into an entire fireworks display.
A couple of seconds pass, and right as I’m about to slam the phone face down on the counter, a message comes through.
Riley
You can always talk to me, Matty. Griff knows we’re ancient history. Besides, he’s at an away game and jealousy always makes him kick a little extra ass.
I can’t decide if I’m going to laugh or cry, so of course, I do a little bit of both. It’s hard to type through the tears in my eyes, but I’m on the edge of bursting as it is, and I need to let it out.
Me
Don’t put me in the middle of your foreplay.
Riley
Pretty sure I remember that being your favorite part, sweetheart.
Shit. Sorry, that was weird, wasn’t it?
Me
Nah, I don’t mind. Maybe skip the pet names, though?
Riley
But you’re my squirt!
Me
Fine. Squirt can stay. But axe the sweetheart.
Riley
You got it, squirt. Now what are you worried about messing up?
How the hell could I have expected talking with Riley being anything but natural? I can feel the distance between us like an endless chasm, but the familiarity serves as a rope bridge we both hold the ends of.
Me
This sort of non-relationship relationship I’m in.
Riley
Oh, Matty.
You know you deserve better than that.
I lose track of the conversation for a minute when Cal pulls me into the living room to change the TV, and when I get back to the counter, there’s another message waiting.
Riley
You do know that, don’t you?
Me
This isn’t like me and you. It was an agreed upon non-situationship thing.
Riley
So who caught feelings? You or him?
Me
I can hear you sighing all the way from here. Stop it.
Me
Me. Lots of feelings. Hockey arena full of feelings. But I think it’s mutual.
Riley
You think?
Me
I’m like 90% certain. Please hold.
I open the photo roll on my phone and scroll to the picture Elias and I took last night.
We’re both shirtless, lying in bed. I’m in the crook of Elias’ arm that’s wrapped around my waist. His other hand is fingering my braid draped over my shoulder.
My hand is splayed across his abs, my face tipped up toward him with a soft, peaceful smile.
His forehead rests on mine, the tips of our noses touching.
My eyes are closed, but his are open, watching me with the sweetest adoration.
I’ve wanted to make it my phone background, but I haven’t been able to pull the trigger yet. I want him to officially be my boyfriend first. Because I want him to know it’s a real gesture of how much I care about him. That I want the two of us front and center in my life.
I send the photo into the chat and wait.
A few minutes pass, and I worry that it was maybe too intimate a thing to share with my ex-boyfriend, but then his message comes through and the worry dissipates.
Riley
I’m the last person anyone should be taking relationship advice from, so I’m bringing in the big guns.
Riley added ‘Hawks’ to the chat.
Oh my god; Hawks is one of Riley’s teammates. His first name is Evan, but everyone on the team calls him Hawks, and at least for the time I knew them, he was Riley’s closest friend. To him, I was merely Riley’s roommate, not his secret boyfriend.
Riley
See message above. And Hawks knows, so it’s all good, squirt.
He knows?
Me
You told him?
Riley
I told all of them. I’m sorry I couldn’t be proud of us while we were together, but I’m fucking proud of you now. Proud of all the shit you put up with. Proud for doing what was best for you in the end.
Don’t you dare start crying.
I laugh through the collection of tears threatening to fall.
Me
Fuck you.
Hawks
What did I just walk in on? Do I need to get Griffin?
Riley
Shut up, Cap. Look at the picture Matty sent and tell him there is no way in hell that man isn’t in love with him.
Hawks
Why do we need my opinion?
Riley
Because someone other than me needs to tell him not to fucking give up again.
My brows crease, and my heart twinges.
Me
I never gave up on us, Riley. I never gave up on you.
Riley
I know. Because you’ll hurt yourself long before you let yourself hurt someone else. You gave up on yourself. On the fact that you deserve someone who will love you out loud. The man in that picture? Looks like he’d shout it from the rooftops.
God, he probably would, wouldn’t he?
I’m in the middle of typing out a probably super sappy reply when a message from Hawks comes through.
Hawks
I know we’re supposed to be talking about Matty’s mystery guy, but I think you both need to hear this: I have never, not in a day that I’ve known you, seen you look that unashamedly happy, Matty.
That alone tells me that whatever you want from that man?
You should go for it. The last thing you need is more regret.
Damn them for bringing me to tears again. I don’t remember Evan being that insightful when he was Riley’s drinking buddy, but his words unravel a sense of rightness that I’d been missing.
I am happy. I’m so fucking happy. So happy that I’m standing here doing the one thing I told myself I’d never have the guts to do—rekindle my friendship with Riley.
All because of Elias’ confidence in me. The support he shows me every day. The joy from his arms locked around me every morning. How he kisses me openly no matter who’s around.
Me
Thank you both. Fuck. I missed you, Riley. It’s nice talking to you, Evan.
Riley
Gross. Evan. I’ve missed you too, squirt. The chat is always open.
Hawks
Y’all are too sappy for me. But feel free to get my number from Riley if you need to chat with someone who has more than two brain cells.
Hawks has left the chat.
Pfft. Hockey players are such a surly breed.
Riley and I trade quick farewells, and I let the screen go dark with a calming lightness in my chest.
Maybe I can do this. Step out of this suffocating comfort zone I’ve shoehorned myself into.
We don’t need forever to enjoy right now.
And right now, I want to belong to Elias Lee.
There’s a loud crash from the living room, and I bolt out of the kitchen to investigate. Heart pounding, I spot Cal on the floor surrounded by a pile of books. The bookshelf in the corner is skewed, leaning a little too far to the right, with all of its contents scattered on the ground.
Cal doesn’t look like he’s hurt, but he’s sitting there a little dazed, and when I crouch in front of him, moving some of the books out of the way, he reaches out and tugs on my hair.
“Ouch. Hey, bud, I’m just checking on you. Are you hurt?”
He doesn’t answer, but he does let go of my hair and push to his feet, stomping them as he looks around for whatever he was climbing the bookshelf for.
That’s when I notice something on the ground behind him. Lots of somethings. Broken plastic.
My first thought is to check him over again, and other than a few scratches and scrapes on his thighs, it doesn’t look like anything got him too bad.
My next thought is cleaning it up before he cuts his feet, but that’s when what I’m seeing fully registers.
The broken plastic. The mold of my hearing aid lying next to the shattered remains of the shell.
Panic pounds in my veins like a bass drum. First, because my hearing aids aren’t cheap to replace, and as often as I go without at the house, not having the option is terrifying. Second, because as I sift through the pile and collect the pieces in my hand, there’s one thing missing.
The battery.
They’re small and circular, not a button battery specifically, but similar in size and likely just as dangerous to swallow.
I search all over the floor before the full force of the worry hits me. Cal is in a ‘put everything in his mouth’ phase, and I find him in his room stacking books into a tower.
Looking at him, there’s no way to tell if he swallowed it. Checking his mouth gets my fingers bitten several times, but I don’t stop until I’m assured it’s nowhere in there.
A few more minutes of searching the living room later comes up with nothing, and the fear in my gut grows stronger, coils tighter.
Should I wait for Elias and Miya to get home? Call and ask what I should do? I don’t want to freak either of them out and ruin their night if it’s nothing … but I’m also not willing to risk anything happening to Cal.
Elias’ phone rings, but it ultimately goes to voicemail. With a shaky breath, I feign as much confidence as I can muster.
“Hey. We had a little bit of an accident. Everything is fine, I think, but I’m taking Cal to the hospital to be safe. I’ll let you know if anything comes up.”
And I hope and pray that Cal will be alright.