14. Fiona “Fee” Clarke
By the time I made it up Melissa steps, I was already outta breath.
Carrying twins will do that to you.
“I swear, if one more person tell me ‘you look like you ‘bout to pop,’ I’ma fight,” I mumbled to myself, shiftin’ the gift bag on my wrist.
Melissa opened the door before I could knock for the second time.
“There go my favorite baby mama,” she said, smilin’ big.
“Girl, move out the way before I knock you over,” I grumbled, but I hugged her anyway, waddlin’ inside.
Her place was halfway set up for the baby shower already, blue and yellow decorations still in bags, a few banners layin’ on the couch, some little elephant shit on the table. It was cute.
“This gon’ be so nice,” she said, closin’ the door. “We gon’ have this lookin’ like Pinterest threw up in here.”
I snorted. “As long as the food good, I don’t care if you hangin’ up Wal-Mart bags.”
She laughed. “Food already handled. Sit your ass down.”
I eased myself onto the couch with a groan, puttin’ both hands on my belly.
“These kids beatin’ my ass from the inside,” I said. “They better come out with scholarships.”
Melissa sat next to me, grabbin’ a throw pillow and tucking it behind my back. “You good?”
“As good as I can be,” I said. “I swear, I did not know bein’ pregnant with two was gon’ feel like this. I be tired from breathin’.”
She smirked. “You look cute though.”
I rolled my eyes. “Lies. I look like a sexy recliner.”
We both laughed.
After a second, the quiet settled in.
Melissa started straightenin’ some stuff on the coffee table, but I could tell she kept peekin’ at me.
“What?” I asked.
She shrugged one shoulder. “You been sayin’ little slick shit all week. What’s really goin’ on? And don’t say ‘nothin’,’ I’ll slap you.”
I let out a long breath.
It was easier to make jokes than to say what I was really feelin’.
But we was at her house, she’d opened it for my baby shower, and I was tired of holdin’ it in.
“I’m scared,” I admitted.
She went quiet, eyes on me.
“Like… regular new mama scared, or ‘I think I made a mistake’ scared?” she asked softly.
“A little bit of all the above,” I said, rubbin’ my belly. “I love ‘em already. That’s not the issue. I just… I don’t know if I’m enough for two at once. I don’t know if me and Trend gon’ be enough together.”
Melissa’s face softened. “Y’all good?”
I laughed, but it came out tight. “We… alright. But he been… distant.”
“Trend?” she asked. “He be at everything.”
“Yeah,” I said. “He show up. Doctor appointments, ultrasound, all that. But soon as that’s over, he gone.
‘I got work. I gotta handle this. I gotta slide over here.’ I know he grindin’.
I know he tryna make sure we straight money-wise.
But in my head, it feel like a preview of what it’s gon’ be like when these babies get here. ”
She nodded slow. “You feel like you ‘bout to be at home drownin’ in diapers while he out.”
“Exactly,” I said. “I keep picturin’ myself up at three in the mornin’ with one screamin’ and the other one wide awake, and he somewhere else ‘providin’.’ And then I feel guilty for even thinkin’ like that, ‘cause he not out here doin’ dirt. He just… workin’.”
My voice wobbled.
I looked away, blinkin’ fast.
“I ain’t wanna be that girl complainin’ when she got a good man,” I said. “But sometimes it feel like he more in a relationship with ‘the grind’ than with me.”
Melissa was quiet for a second.
“Have you told him that?” she asked.
I scoffed. “Kinda. But every time I start, it turn into an argument. He be like, ‘So I’m wrong for tryna make sure my family eat?’ Like, no, nigga, that’s not what I said. But he hear that anyway. Then I end up apologizin’ when I was the one hurt.”
A tear slid down my face. I wiped it quick, annoyed.
“I been cryin’ over everything,” I spoke in a sad tone. “It’s pissin’ me off.”
“Let it out,” Melissa said. “Ain’t nobody in here but us.”
“That’s the problem,” I said, laughin’ through it. “It be like that in my head too. Just me and my thoughts. And these kids.” I rested my hands on my stomach. “I keep thinkin’… what if they feel that? The worry. The fear. I don’t want that for them.”
Mel sighed. “These babies gon’ feel how much you love ‘em more than anything. I see you, Fee. You already on mama time.”
I sniffed. “I don’t know if I’m ready.”
“News flash,” she said. “None of us ready. April out here tryna be somebody wife. Charlee out here maybe pregnant and havin’ a meltdown every other day. I’m scared to commit to a nigga who already halfway my whole life. We all spooked.”
I couldn’t help but smile at that.
“You talk to Roman?” I asked, flippin’ it back on her.
She sucked her teeth. “We not talkin’ about me right now.”
“Yeah, we is,” I said. “‘Cause half my fear is watchin’ y’all too. Seein’ how love can look and how quick shit can get complicated.”
She huffed. “He showed up at a perfume place today, Fee. In the ladies’ bathroom. Standing there like that was regular.”
My eyes widened. “You lyin’.”
“I wish,” she said. “This nigga really told me he been keepin’ tabs on my movements. Quietly. Like he was tellin’ me the weather.”
“Whew,” I said, lettin’ out a low whistle. “That’s… a lot.”
“Exactly,” she said. “He said the quicker I stop fightin’ him, the quicker shit can be ‘normal.’ Like his normal not sittin’ in a dark car outside my house.”
“Do it scare you?” I asked.
She hesitated. “Yeah. And no. That’s what’s fuckin’ me up. Part of me wanna call the police. The other part of me… feel weirdly safe knowin’ he always around. It’s dumb.”
“It’s not dumb,” I said. “You just not used to nobody choosin’ you that loud. Just like I’m not used to nobody choosin’ these babies this loud.”
I put my hand over my belly again, feelin’ one of them kick.
“Trend say he excited,” I went on. “He talk to them through my stomach, play music, kiss my ankle and shit. But then his phone ring, and it’s always, ‘I gotta slide.’ I know he gotta move different now. I just… need him to show me I’m not gon’ be last on the list once they here.”
Melissa leaned back, lettin’ out a breath. “Maybe that’s our theme. All of us scared of bein’ last on somebody list.”
“Maybe,” I said.
We sat there a minute, both in our heads.
Then I felt my eyes burn again.
“I be up at night sometimes,” I confessed, voice low. “Layin’ on my side ‘cause I can’t sleep on my back no more, listenin’ to Trend snore, and I be mad. ‘Cause he sleepin’ so peaceful, and my mind racin’. I be wantin’ to wake him up just so he can worry wit’ me.”
Melissa laughed. “You sound like a real mama already.”
“I’m serious,” I said, but I was smilin’ too.
“Then I feel guilty, ‘cause he got weight on him I can’t see. He tryna be a provider the way his daddy was, but not too much of the street shit. I know that. But I also need him to be soft with me when I crack. I can’t be the strong one for everybody no more.
Not with two whole people about to depend on me. ”
She nodded, eyes soft. “You told him that part?”
“Not like that,” I admitted. “I be gettin’ mad and leadin’ with attitude instead of truth. I say, ‘You always gone,’ instead of, ‘I feel alone.’”
“That’s the difference,” she said. “Y’all talkin’ at each other, not to each other.”
I sighed. “You bein’ wise for somebody runnin’ from they boyfriend.”
“We not usin’ that word,” she said fast.
“Uh-huh,” I said. “Anyway. I think I’ma talk to Trend. For real this time. Not on some ‘you don’t do this, you don’t do that’ shit. Just… tell him I’m scared. Let him see me ugly wit’ it.”
“He need to see that,” Melissa said. “Y’all not just havin’ babies, y’all raisin’ a family. If he can’t hold your fear, y’all got bigger problems.”
I nodded, nervous but sure.
“You know you not by yourself, right?” she added. “If you need a break once they here, you can drop one off to me. I’ll take whoever not cryin’.”
I laughed so hard my belly jumped. “You ain’t shit.”
“I’m serious,” she said, smilin’. “I got you. We got you. Charlee, April, Trend’s parents, everybody. Them babies gon’ come into a whole village.”
Tears spilled over again, but this time they felt… lighter.
“You really gon’ babysit?” I sniffed.
She made a face. “Don’t get crazy. I said sometimes. When I feel like it. Don’t be droppin’ two car seats at my door talkin’ ‘bout ‘I’ll be back.’”
We both cracked up.
The heaviness in my chest didn’t disappear, but it loosened.
“I’m still scared,” I said after a minute. “But I feel… less alone in it.”
“That’s the best we gon’ get right now,” Melissa said. “Scared together.”
I nodded, leanin’ back into the pillow.
One of the twins kicked my ribs like they agreed.
I rubbed the spot, whisperin’, “We gon’ be alright, babies. Mama just needed to say it out loud.”
And for the first time in a minute, I believed myself a little.