Chapter 24
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
ADA
I have never slept so well in my life. I think Kieran worked me harder than I knew was physically possible and then I might have passed out.
I have no way to know what time it is, or how long I’ve been asleep. My body is sore in places that I didn’t even know that it was possible to be sore in. My mind is helpfully blissed out and offering up flashes of memories from the previous night into my mind like a replay highlight reel. I could lie here in bed and pleasure myself to the memories alone. Rather, I would let Kieran do it for me… but he’s nowhere to be found.
I slide out of bed gingerly, the tenderness between my thighs almost stopping my desire to give in to my more base urges. But I can simply find Kieran and then force him to handle it for me.
I wrap his sheet around me like a dress and hold the front closed with my hand as I quietly make my way to the bathroom. But he’s not in there either. I had hoped he was just taking this time to shower.
I pause in there only long enough to splash water on myself and make myself feel slightly more awake. I need a clock or something to help me tell the time.
Glancing in the mirror at my reflection, I’m disappointed by what I see. I knew that skipping so many days of my skincare was going to make everything a wreck, but I didn’t think that I was going to look this rough. The poor nutrition and stress, paired with my fatigue makes for a terrible combination.
Worry takes hold of my gut and holds tightly. How can Kieran even touch me when I look like this? How long have I even been here? It has to be a few weeks now at least. I push at the bags under my eyes and then pinch at my cheekbones for a long moment, mentally picking apart my reflection. Old habits die hard.
No. I have to stop. I cannot keep doing this. I simply can’t allow it.
I bite my bottom lip and force myself to turn around, my back to the mirror as I try to stop the incoming panic attack.
Isn’t my period due soon? If it’s been a few weeks… it was a few weeks from my last one when I got kidnapped. I had obsessed about my period before the Met Gala because I was terrified that I was going to bleed on Maeve’s dress. That is why I remember it. Since I had never been with anyone before now, it’s not like it’s something that I had ever had to worry about before.
I do quick mental math on my fingers. Three days. The only time that I’ve ever been late on a period was back when my weight had dropped under a hundred pounds and I couldn’t ovulate. Since starting my treatment…
Maybe it’s just because I haven’t been eating. It’s got to be just because I’m off of my routine and so stressed that I’m wearing it on my face. I only seem to sleep on the nights that I’ve been with Kieran. But it’s not like I’m on birth control. Kieran hasn’t been using a condom either.
I can’t be pregnant.
Me? A mother?
I can’t bring a child into this world! There’s too much chaos. It’s too uncertain.
My family loves each other deeply, but that’s rare. Kieran is using me in his revenge plot! It’s too overwhelming.
I feel nauseous for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with my disorder. It’s impossible. I need to know. I can’t allow this to happen. I don’t even know what sort of father that he would be. This could make everything so much worse!
I am overthinking this. I have to be. I’m not pregnant, I’m just stressed.
There’s no other option.
Well, at the very least I’m going to ignore the growing dread.
I have to leave this bathroom or he’s going to come in here thinking that something’s wrong and I won’t have an answer for him.
I close my eyes and attempt to steady myself. It doesn’t feel like it works very well, but it is the best I can do. I smooth down the clothes that Kieran bought me, the ones that I’ve tried my best to style with what I have available. At least it makes me look like a semblance of the version of me that was kidnapped, although I don’t think that I will ever be the same woman, even after this short amount of time.
Pushing the bathroom door open, pretending that my hands aren’t trembling, I make my way to the kitchen. The aroma of fresh coffee and the sizzle of bacon greets me. The queasy feeling in my stomach grows. I swallow back the excess saliva pooling in my mouth. I refuse to go back into that bathroom to throw up.
Kieran stands with his back to me. It’s hard not to admire the way his muscles ripple under his black cotton t-shirt even from such simple movements. I stand silently in the doorway to watch him work, the simple movements he makes with casual ease as he puts the plates together. More eggs. I move over to the stool and sit, and Kieran glances over his shoulder at me with a soft smile.
“Mornin’ sleeping beauty.” He greets me and brings a plate of carefully separated food over to me. It would look perfect, if I was at all hungry. I pull the plate towards me and grab a fork so that he doesn’t automatically start scowling at me, but I have no inclination to put any of this in my mouth.
“Morning.” I answer, but I don’t think I can pretend to be casual for much longer. “What day is today?”
Kieran gives me a strange look. “It’s Wednesday? The seventeenth.”
My stomach drops. I swallow thickly and start to poke at the eggs on my plate slowly, nodding as if my interest was nothing suspicious. But his answer confirms everything that I was worried about. I’m three days late. I manage to choke down a piece of greasy bacon and about half of the eggs that he’s put on the plate before me.
If I’m pregnant, I can’t starve my - our baby. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. My mind is a whirlwind of thoughts. Kieran carries out a very one-sided conversation with me that I can’t even properly hear, let alone process. I can’t tell him. He can’t know. With the fragile state of my health, there’s no knowing if it’s going to stick anyway. Right? Some of the other girls that I’ve worked with before had miscarriages because they just didn’t have enough resources in their body for the baby to share. In my industry, vanity often prevails.
The alliance that has formed between us is precarious at best. In the bedroom, there’s no room for miscommunication when his body speaks to mine. But here? Out here, where I’m forced to rely on my words? Maybe I shouldn’t allow him to touch me anymore. That way maybe it won’t make the situation worse. Is that even a thing? I should have paid so much more attention to Maeve when she was talking about her pregnancy.
Kieran and I don’t need any more layers of uncertainty in our strange situation.
I have to figure this out on my own. I at least have to give myself time to properly process everything, then I will take whatever is going to come next.
Kieran drops his heavy silverware down onto his empty plate with enough force that the clatter of it startles me. He clasps his hands together, elbows resting on the table, and rests his chin on his joined hands. He gives me a look like he can read my mind, like he’s trying to read every thought that I’m hiding away from him.
“What’s the matter, Ada?”
The opportunity is before me. I can tell him right now, but the words won’t form. I shrug my shoulders.
“I’m tired. Somebody exhausted me last night.” I hold his gaze until he smirks, seeming to buy the excuse. Well, it’s not just an excuse. He did keep me up all hours of the night. But I certainly was enjoying myself at the time.
Kieran resumes eating and I pick at the rest of my plate until I can’t be alone with my thoughts any longer. The weight of possibly being pregnant feels heavy. It’s going to consume me.
“Actually, do you mind if I go lie down for a bit?” I ask, knowing I don’t actually need his permission to do so.
“You’re that worn out?” He asks skeptically. “I’ll go easier on you next time.”
I don’t have to pretend to be affronted by the comment. “Don’t you dare.”
Kieran laughs, and I take that moment to excuse myself and disappear into the bedroom that’s starting to feel just as much mine as it does his. I slide between the cool sheets and wrap my arms around myself tightly.
If I’m actually pregnant, I don’t want to raise that child in a world where my brother is not alive. I have to find the strength to face what’s going to come next but I feel like I’m have lost any shred of optimism.
All I keep thinking about is how I’m going to have to make some gut-wrenching choices and very soon. My brother and Kieran, who is quickly becoming equally important to me, hate each other. I have to protect myself, and the potential child that I might be carrying. For now, until I’m certain, I’m going to keep this secret to myself.