Chapter 11
It's colder here than it was at Lord Alfson's castle, and I regret not bringing a cape with me when I came up to the walls. But I don't want to leave in case Fen shows up and thinks that I don't want to talk to him, when I definitely do.
"It's a nice night."
I jump and turn around, not having expected Fen to appear in human form.
"Aren't you supposed to be a dragon being all terrifying right now?
" I ask as I take him in. He's still wearing his red-and-gold jacket from earlier, and the moonlight bounces off the gold threads, making him shine like some kind of ethereal being.
He shrugs. "I'm sure the guards will assume that I'm away feeding myself, or whatever it is that they think the dragon is doing when I'm in my human form."
"What if they see you?"
"They'll assume I'm the dragon keeper," he reminds me. "That's what I introduced myself as."
"It seems as if the ploy would go a lot smoother if there were a second person to play the part of the dragon keeper."
"Are you angling for the job?" he asks, stepping closer to me.
"I didn't say that."
"But you're thinking it." His voice is low and inviting, full of a promise I don't fully recognise from him. "You think you could tame a dragon."
"I know better than to try," I say a little breathlessly.
He moves even closer, making me aware of him in a way that I'm always trying not to be.
"You can try if you want to," he murmurs.
"What are you saying?" I ask despite myself.
There's an intensity written on his face that makes me certain I know what he's insinuating, but I don't dare make an assumption in case I'm wrong.
Instead of answering, he reaches out and brushes a strand of hair out of my face.
My pulse races and I can't decide whether I want to run away and deny any of this is happening, or if I want to urge him on and find out exactly what's on his mind.
"Are you all right?" he asks softly. "You looked a little shaken when you arrived."
"Literally," I mutter. "The cart wasn't the best."
He hasn't moved away from me, and I can see every flicker of his eyes as he looks at me, including flashes of gold that I can't put down to being a reflection.
I sigh, and break the contact between us, even if I don't really want to.
"I'm exhausted," I admit. "Maybe I'm not ready for a mission as big as this one.
" I lean against the wall of the castle and look out over the surrounding fields.
I can almost believe we're at home if I forget about everything I've seen in the past week or so.
"I don't believe you," Fen responds.
"How can you not believe me?"
"Because you were crying in my arms about how you want to do more a few days ago," he responds.
I swallow hard. "Ah. That."
"Thought I'd forgotten?"
I turn around, surprised to find him still standing very close to me. "Maybe you didn't think it was important," I murmur.
"You're important to me, Ingrid," he says softly. "More important than you know."
"Then why don't you tell me? Then I will know." I look up at him, trying to gauge exactly what's happening.
A strange expression crosses his face. "You said you weren't looking for something serious."
I blink a few times. "What? You mean when we were talking about the miller's daughter?"
"Yes."
"I wasn't talking about you." The words fall out of my mouth before I can think twice about them.
His attention snaps to my face, but he doesn't say anything.
My pulse pounds in my ears, and I try to find words to say what I'm feeling, but I don't have them. "Fen..." I reach out and put a hand on his chest, my eyes widening as I realise that my heart isn't the only one racing.
I swallow hard, and he searches my face for something. He cups my cheek in his hand, and a different kind of emotion overcomes me.
Anticipation.
Slowly, he lowers his face to mine, and my eyes flutter closed. I know what's about to happen, even if I've only thought about it when I'm alone.
His lips brush against mine in a tender question that I have just the answer for. But before I can give it, he pulls back.
"You can't do that," I murmur, reaching up to touch my lips.
"I'm sorry." He starts to step back, but I reach out to catch his arm.
"I meant you can't stop."
It takes him a moment to react, but when he does, there's no question about what it means, or what it's supposed to mean. His lips are insistent on mine, and he backs me up against the stone wall, kissing me as if it's the last kiss he's ever going to share with someone.
I run my hands over his chest, the embroidery of his jacket a rough texture beneath my fingers, but doing nothing to hide the toned physique that I know lies beneath.
He leans an arm against the wall beside me, bringing us closer together. My body is pressed against his, and all I can think about is how good it feels. Certainly better than I ever expected, and more intense.
The kiss breaks, and I look up at him with what I'm sure is a dazed expression on my face. I've imagined kissing Fen more times than I want to admit, but it feels better than I ever thought possible to have actually kissed him.
There's a glint of dragon in his eyes as he looks at me, making me wonder if the response has something to do with me.
"You kissed me," I whisper.
"I did."
I touch my lips. "It was good."
The sound of his amusement vibrates through his chest, making me realise that I'm still touching him. And I have no intention of stopping. "It was good," he agrees.
"Do you want to...find somewhere? I'm in the maid dormitories, but maybe you have a room?" I ask hopefully. I don't know exactly what I'm suggesting, just that I don't want to part ways with him, and after falling asleep in his arms the other night, I can imagine doing it again.
He clears his throat. "That depends."
"On?"
"What does this mean to you, Ingrid?"
I wet my lips and look at him. "I don't know."
"I can't do this if you don't know what you want," he says, pulling away from me again.
"Fen?"
He clears his throat. "I don't want something that will be over in the morning, or when we go home. I want more than that. If you do too, then we can talk."
"You want more with me?" I echo, not really knowing what else to say, even though I should really find something.
The expression on his face is hard to read, but it does drive home how serious he's being about this.
"I didn't know," I whisper.
"In fairness, I didn't tell you."
"What if I want something too?" I meet his gaze, trying not to feel too much hope. I've been distracting myself from feelings by focusing on the more superficial aspects of my attraction towards him, but now it feels as if there's less holding them at bay than before.
"Then we can talk about it," he says. "But not tonight."
"Why not?"
"Because we both need time to make sure this is what we want," he says.
"But what if we know now?"
"Please, just...think about it. If you still feel like this tomorrow, then I promise we'll talk about it. I need to know that it's what you truly want."
There's a part of me that wants to tell him that I do, but I understand what he's getting at, especially with how hurt he was after finding out that Conrad thought their relationship was solely casual.
"All right," I whisper. "Tomorrow."
A small smile lifts at his lips. "Thank you."
"I'm not going to change my mind."
"I hope you don't." He leans in and gives me a fleeting kiss, one that doesn't lead to more, but does feel like it leaves the door open for it. "Good night, Ingrid."
"Good night," I respond, a little bit in a daze.
He doesn't say anything else and turns around to walk away, leaving me staring after him, a little in disbelief about what just happened.
I touch my lips, still feeling the tingle of his touch there.
I want more. Why couldn't I just have told him that rather than saying something that clearly made him think that I was just after one night?
I groan and run a hand over my face. That was such a great kiss, and I went and ruined it. The only thing stopping me from totally despairing is that it doesn't sound like the door is closed forever, just for tonight.