Chapter 13
I'm a little nervous by the time I make it to the top of the tower, and the rest of me is cursing Fen for suggesting that this is where we meet. If we do a dragon tower gambit together again, then I'm going to suggest that he gets a room that isn't at the top of the building.
I smooth down my dress, wishing I had something better than a maid's uniform for this conversation, but knowing that there's nothing I can do about that when I'm walking around the tower. I knock on the door, half-surprised when it swings open immediately.
Fen's still wearing his dragon tamer outfit, but his jacket isn't fastened, and I can see the white shirt underneath that reveals some of the brown skin of his chest, distracting me momentarily.
"Can I come in?" I ask.
He nods and steps back, allowing me to step inside.
The room is bigger than I expected it to be, maybe it wasn't meant to be a bed chamber.
"Thank you for coming," he says with a weird formality.
I look at him, trying not to laugh, but failing miserably. Thankfully, the same seems to be true for him, and the two of us let the amusement out.
"I've never done this before," I admit.
"Come to someone's room?"
"Well, obviously I've done that," I respond. "I mean, I've never gone somewhere expecting to have a talk about...whatever it is that we're going to talk about."
"Still not able to say it?" He closes the door and twists the key, but doesn't remove it from the lock. "Or would you prefer it open?"
"It's fine, I trust you," I respond. I take a deep breath. "I'm scared." The admission hangs in the room between us, almost as awkwardly as the fact we're just standing here and not doing anything.
"Of?"
"Ruining our friendship. I don't want things to change between us. And yet, I do."
"What if we don't ruin it?" he asks, stepping forward and closing the gap between us. "What if we make it better?"
I meet his gaze, unsurprised to find them flashing gold. It does seem to happen when he's looking at me, and maybe thinking about more than friendly thoughts. "You truly think that?"
"Yes. Don't you?"
My mind goes back to our kiss last night, but to more than that.
To the way he held me while I cried, reassuring me even though he probably felt helpless as well.
To the way he teases me good-naturedly, but also trusts me.
How it felt to dance in his arms, or to know that he's the person I'm sparring with.
"Yes." The word is a whisper, an admission that I can hardly believe I'm letting out into the world, even if I know I do feel that way.
Fen is so close that I can nearly touch him, but I'm a little scared to. Not because of anything he could do to me, but because of what it will do to the emotions within me.
"Tell me what you want, Ingrid," he murmurs.
"You." I meet his gaze, hoping he can see how much I mean what I'm saying. "All of you. Not just for tonight. Not just to fall into bed with. You, Fen."
Relief crosses over his face as my words register. "I want that too."
"Where does that leave us?" I want to do something with my hands, anything rather than just standing here looking at him and hoping that this is the start of something good and not a mistake. But I don't believe that. Not in my heart.
"I think it means we can pick up where we left off last night," he says. "If you want to."
"I definitely want to."
"Good." He doesn't waste another moment and reaches out to pull me towards him. His lips are on mine a second later, kissing me in a surprisingly demanding way.
I wrap my arms around his neck, deepening it further and feeling some of my thoughts flutter away as I do, replaced with only an aching need.
His hand trails down my back, burning through my clothes. He breaks the kiss and pulls back.
"Your eyes," I whisper, reaching up to touch his face. His normal so-dark-brown-they-could-be-black eyes have been replaced with pure gold.
"You bring them out in me," he murmurs.
"I noticed, but why?"
"Strong emotions can bring parts of the dragon to the surface," he responds. "It's why most of us first turn into our dragon form when we're angry or upset."
"I didn't know that." I trail my fingers over his cheek. "What caused yours?"
He chuckles awkwardly. "Remember the first time Vasia beat me in a sparring match?"
"Yes. She was thrilled. She so rarely beats you." I think it's only happened two or three times in our entire lives, and it's mostly because Fen lets himself get distracted.
"I turned into a dragon about an hour later."
I laugh. "I had no idea."
"I didn't want to admit it because it made me uncomfortable," he responds. "But that's what it was."
"That's adorable," I respond.
"Not quite what I was going for."
"I think the only thing I don't get is that the gold has been showing in your eyes when you look at me for a couple of months...oh."
He chuckles. "Yes. Oh."
"Why didn't you say anything?"
"Because I didn't know how you felt," he responds. "And I was still trying to get over Conrad, I wasn't ready to try something new straight away."
I nod. "I understand that. And I'm sorry if I made you feel as if I was only interested in what you looked like. Though you do look good."
He laughs. "I do."
"And I love it when your eyes flash gold." I trace the planes of his face. "Even more so now that I know why they're doing it."
"I'm glad," he murmurs. "I want you to like looking at me."
"I definitely do." I lean in, kissing him tenderly and hoping that he realises that I mean everything I'm saying. I don't want to tumble into bed with him and then wake up in the morning and not have anything be different.
We break the kiss, both of us smiling and neither wanting to move.
"I meant to ask, how was your flight?" I should have started with that, but it slipped my mind.
"I completely forgot about that," he admits. "The guards watching the tower have gone."
"Fen! You should have told me that first."
"I was distracted." He lifts my hand to his lips and kisses it. "There were more important things to talk about."
"More important than getting out of here?" Even as I say it, I realise I don't really feel that way.
"I already sent the message for the Damsels to come," he assures me. "I just forgot to tell you because I was thinking about how much I wanted you."
"I thought you didn't want something casual?" I ask curiously.
"I don't," he responds. "But that doesn't mean I don't want you."
"You're going to have to explain it."
"It's hard to explain."
"Try me." I want to understand so I don't end up hurting him accidentally.
A thoughtful expression crosses his face, leaving no doubt in my mind that he's thinking about how he wants to respond, rather than not answering me.
"I don't really want to bed someone unless I know them and have feelings for them," he says slowly. "And if I know that they don't know me, and don't have feelings for me, then it's like something switches off, and I don't want it any more."
"I think that makes sense," I respond. "It's not really how I think I see things, but I do think it makes sense if you do."
"It doesn't matter if it's how you see things," he assures me. "So long as you understand it's how things work for me."
"I do," I promise.
He smiles at me, a genuine expression that fills me with warmth.
I lean in and press my lips against his. It's tender and full of emotion, the kind that I'm not ready to put into words. But I feel them, and I know them to be true, and that's something that the two of us can build something on.
"So," he says.
"So?"
"Are you planning on going back to the maid's dormitory tonight?"
I raise an eyebrow. "Are you asking me to stay the night, Fen?"
"Definitely." He grins at me in a way that's much more light-hearted than I expect, given the weight of the conversation we've just had.
I tap my chin. "You do snore less than the other maids," I muse. "But you only have one bed, and I don't have anything to wear to it."
"That suits me just fine." His voice rumbles deeply as he says the words.
"Then I suppose I can stay," I respond.
A knock sounds on the door, interrupting our conversation. I frown. "What's that?"
"Dinner," he responds. "Are you hungry? They always send enough for two."
I laugh. "It's like they think that you're a dragon keeper or something."
He grins. "If only they knew the truth." His eyes are flashing full of gold as he looks at me.
"I'm starving. Lord Alfson doesn't exactly feed his servants the most nutritious of food."
"Why am I not surprised?" he mutters darkly. "All right, get out of sight, and I'll get the food, then we can eat."
I nod and head to the wall that can't be seen from the door.
It feels silly when all I'm doing is just standing here, but that's partly because it doesn't really feel like hiding.
But it's a lot less effort than climbing into the wardrobe or hiding under the bed, and sometimes, those are the best places to hide.
It only takes a few moments for Fen to finish the exchange and bring the tray of food into the room. My stomach rumbles in response.
Fen chuckles. "You are hungry."
"I did say I was."
"Why don't we sit and eat and then we can go back to talking?"
"Or we can start not talking," I respond.
The look he gives me says it all. "Or that."
A warmth spreads through me that has nothing to do with the prospect of food, but I ignore it. At least, for now.