Chapter 8
Chapter Eight
RONIN
EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD
Mellie and I have barely spoken to each other all week.
One vulnerable night in my grandparent’s basement led to more than a few confessions—mostly fear for the unknown future. Me going off to college while Mel stays in Blue Fields is throwing our relationship out of balance for the first time since we met five years ago.
With our emotions at their rawest, one thing had led to another, and we slept together. It was the first time for both of us, and something I’m not ashamed to admit I’ve wanted for far longer than Mel even knows.
I keep telling myself it wasn’t a mistake. It won’t ruin us. But something in my gut twists as another day goes by and Mel can barely look at me. I’ve tried a few times to broach the subject, but each time I do, she abruptly changes topics or finds an excuse to leave the conversation.
I wish I knew the right thing to say, but I feel like everything that comes out has been wrong—I’m handling this all wrong. I waited years to muster up the courage to kiss her, and now I’m leaving for college and we’re barely on speaking terms.
I groan, running my hands through my hair for the tenth time in so many minutes.
Pacing the length of my room, I try to come up with a solution.
I’ll tell her that we need to talk. We have to clear the air before I go, because there’s no way I’m leaving without fixing things with her. She has to listen to me.
Right?
“Okay, you can do this.” I blow out a huff of air, shaking my hands out at my sides before grabbing my keys from my desk and hurrying from my bedroom.
Time to do this now, before I chicken out and we wind up not speaking for who knows how long, because I’ll be in fucking Oregon at school and she’ll be here without me.
Whose idea was it to apply to colleges in Oregon?
To apply to any colleges at all while Mellie is staying in Blue Fields?
The rational side of my brain knows I can’t plan my education around someone else, but the emotional side of my brain that’s currently in control says “fuck that.”
It only takes me a couple of minutes to make the short drive to the Baker’s house, and Mellie’s yellow car is in the driveway. Good. She can’t keep avoiding me in a town this small. I jog up to the front door and knock lightly.
The door cracks open and I’m greeted by wary amber eyes.
“What’s up, Ro?” Mel swings the door a little wider.
“Mellie. Can we talk?”
“Uh, sure. Okay. Come on in.” The door is pulled all the way open to let me through, and I immediately start up the stairs toward her bedroom.
“Ok, I’ll just follow you through my house, to my room, I guess.” She sounds annoyed. I’m already fucking this up and I haven’t even started.
Once we’re in her bedroom, Mellie quietly closes the door behind us and leans against it, her arms folded across her chest. “What’s going on, Ronin?”
I stare back at her, hoping that my expression is open and raw. I’m not trying to hide a damn thing from her anymore. My heart pounds like a drumbeat in my chest. “Mel. You’ve barely talked to me since—since the basement. What’s going on? What’s going on with us is the better question.”
A memory from that night invades my mind unbidden, her skin bare and glowing next to the flickering television, The Fifth Element forgotten on screen. My hands flex where they hang at my sides.
Mellie brushes her hands against her leggings as she speaks, “I don’t know what you want me to say, Ronin.”
“I just want you to talk to me, Mel. I want you to look me in the eyes again.” I stride forward, reaching out to take her hands gently within mine. Her head tilts up to meet my gaze. “Are you okay?”
Mellie’s face is unreadable. “Of course I’m okay.”
“Bullshit.”
“What?” Her eyes widen at my outburst.
“I said, bullshit. You’re scared, aren’t you?”
She scoffs.
“I know you are, Mel. You can’t hide your emotions from me. I can read you like a fucking wide open book. What are you scared of?”
“I’m not scared—” Mellie starts, but I cut her off.
“Please, Mellie. I’ve known you for five years.” I squeeze her hands gently before letting them go, only to graze my knuckles across her cheek. Her eyes flutter closed at my touch.
“What happened doesn’t have to be a mistake if that’s what you’re afraid of. It can be the start of something new, if we let it.” My voice comes out barely more than a whisper.
Mellie opens her eyes, staring deep into mine, searching for something. “But what if it was a mistake? What if this ruins our friendship? We might never be the same again.”
“We won’t ever be the same again. Not after that.” Emotion is thick in my throat and I swallow against it. “It’s part of growing up, though. What happened back there, it did change us, Mel. That much is true. But how it changed us is still up to us to decide. What do you want now?”
“I don’t know. I am scared, Ro.” Mellie’s amber irises glow with unshed tears. “This is all just—a lot.” She closes her eyes again, her arms coming back up to wrap around herself. “I’m sorry.”
“I want this with you. So badly, Mellie. I want to try at least, and see where this might go. You don’t?” My heart cracks at the thought that this is all one-sided. That Mellie isn’t on the same page as I am.
“I…” A single tear escapes as she searches my face. “I don’t think so. It’s too much to risk. Too much to ask of me, Ronin. I can’t lose you.”
“You can’t lose me,” I repeat hollowly.
My heart shatters.
“You’re my best friend,” Mel says. Her arms tighten around her torso, pulling her further away from me. “It will ruin years of friendship if this goes badly. What we did—it was a mistake. It never should have happened. We—we were both emotional and caught up in the moment.”
My voice cracks. “You don’t mean that.” I take a step back, away from where she still leans against the door.
Another tear slips down her cheek. “I do, though. What were we even thinking?” Mel’s calm demeanor slips.
Her features twist in pain, eyes wide and panicked.
Whatever battle she waged internally seems to have ended—a side chosen.
“We weren’t thinking! And what did you expect would happen now, anyway?
You’re leaving, Ronin!” She gasps, clutching at her chest. “You are leaving. Tomorrow. And you want to talk about what this is?” She gestures between us. “It’s too late, I think. Don’t you?”
I am at a loss for words. This isn’t how I wanted this to go down. Not how I thought things would end between us today.
So this is what it feels like to have my heart broken for the first time.
I could have done without this particular experience, I must say.
I hastily wipe at my face, angry that any tears have escaped at all. Looking back at Mel, I can feel my heart harden ever so slightly.
“You’re wrong.” I state, voice wavering slightly.
Cursing internally, I flatten my tone. “It wasn’t a mistake, Mellie.
It was the best day of my goddamn life. And yes, I am leaving tomorrow.
And if this is how you truly feel about me, about us, then I’m fucking glad I’m leaving.
I don’t think I can be around you anymore, not right now. ”
Mellie lets out a quiet sob. The sound takes up the pieces of my shattered heart and breaks it all over again. I’m the reason she’s crying, and I hate myself for it. She moves away from the door, and I swing it open to let myself out.
I glance back to her one last time. “I know deep down that you know I’m right. We would have worked, Mel. You’re just not brave enough to give us a chance.”
Then I leave, closing the door behind me to the sound of her quiet cries, my own tears streaming down my face as I go.