Chapter 15 August
August
Mia’s thin wail forced its way through the fog of deep sleep. Again? Was this the third time or the fourth? It was still dark outside. What time was it? I couldn’t even get my brain to do the basic math required to figure out what day of the week it was.
I pushed up from the bed, my body protesting even that small movement. My groan was drowned out by Mia’s cries as I nudged off the blanket and set my feet on the floor. For a second the room blurred, and I gripped the edge of the bed, fighting to stay upright.
I was determined to do this myself, but also…
I was in a ton of pain. How did single parents do this?
Hell, how did couples do this? Although, in this case, I was more than happy to do it all without Mia’s sperm donor.
He didn’t like noise of any kind, and I took special joy in my daughter’s healthy lungs as she belted out her hunger.
Lazlo had given me a book about baby’s first months, and I’d started reading it last night. There was something about cluster feeding. Was that what this was? It seemed early for a growth spurt. Maybe I didn’t get her to drink enough last time she was up—or the time before or the time before that.
“Okay, Mia, okay. I hear you. I’m working as fast as I can,” I choked out as a fluttery panic threatened to overwhelm me.
Everything was so… urgent with a baby. Feed me now.
Change my diaper now. I tried to rock the cradle with my foot while I reached for the formula.
I’d been hoping to pump some milk too, but I was simply too tired.
I said I could do this, but I was starting to think I spoke too soon.
There was a knock on the door, and thank gods I forgot to lock it, because there was no chance I could make it across the room right now. “Yeah?”
It cracked open, and then suddenly, they were both there. Shirtless, their pants tugged on sloppily, zippers undone, revealing a peek of dark curly hair trailing into underwear. I tried not to look…
“All right, you’ve put yourself through enough. It’s our turn now,” Jerry said, taking over. I hadn’t even needed to ask for help. They just… knew.
And just like that, I burst into exhausted tears. It struck me that no one had ever taken care of me like this before. Not my mom, and certainly not Victor.
Lazlo was crouched at my feet in an instant. “What’s wrong? Are you in pain?” His hand went straight to my forehead to check for fever, but I just shook my head, using the sleeve of my pajama shirt to wipe at my eyes.
“It’s not that. I’m just so, soooo tired,” I hiccupped out. “Why won’t she sleep? She hates me! It’s my fault. I’m doing everything wrong!”
“You’re not doing anything wrong, baby,” he said, his hands coming to rest on my knees.
“You did just right! But Mia’s stomach is still too small to hold much, so she’ll need to eat every couple of hours.
She’s got a lot of growing to do. But she’ll also nap a lot during the day, which is what you’re going to do too. You need your rest too.”
Jerry, meanwhile, had scooped Mia up and was holding her to his tattooed chest with one thickly muscled arm, making a bottle with the other. Why couldn’t I do it like that? “You’re not alone in this, August. We’ll take her the rest of the night so you can sleep.”
There was a distant part of me that knew I should balk at being told what to do.
Victor had told me what to do all the time.
“Wear the blue shirt.” “Don‘t you think you’ve had enough to eat?” “Stop talking, you’re giving me a headache.
” But when Jerry did it, it wasn’t because he was controlling or selfish.
I knew without a doubt that it was because he actually cared and wanted the best for me, and for Mia.
“A-Are you sure?” I asked, picking at the seams of the homemade quilt covering my lap. The creep of nagging guilt was always nudging at me. Biology made me her dad, I was supposed to be able to do this. Omegas had been doing it for thousands of years.
But there was no resentment when Lazlo smiled at me. “Of course we’re sure. Haven’t you ever heard it takes a village to raise a child?” I had, but I’d never given much thought to the expression before. If that was true, then why were we made to believe we could do everything on our own?
While Lazlo sat on the edge of the bed and fed Mia, Jerry packed up the basinet and the formula and bottles and moved it all to their room.
Even though I was exhausted, it made me feel…
empty to have it all taken away from me.
The post-partum hormones were doing a number on me, and I felt like if I didn’t let it all out, I might burst.
Once Mia was back asleep in her bed, Jerry and Lazlo came back one last time. “Do you need anything else?” Jerry asked, his eyes raking over my baggy pajamas, the bags that were no doubt sagging beneath my eyes. “Do you have enough water? Need help walking to the bathroom?”
No one had ever made me feel so safe, so cared for as these two men, and before I could think twice about it, I pushed off the bed and threw my arms around Jerry’s neck.
He caught me around the waist and hugged me back, so warm and gentle.
“Thank you,” I choked out. “I don’t know what I would’ve done without you both.
” And then when I pulled back, I went to kiss him on the cheek, completely innocent, I swear, but at the last second, he turned his head and I caught the corner of his mouth.
He gasped, a puff of breath on my lips, and I shoved back in a panic. “I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to—I would never! I know the two of you are—”
They were both shaking their heads, talking over each other. “No, no, it’s fine,” Jerry said, while Lazlo rushed to add, “Things between us are…” but he trailed off, as if unsure how to finish the sentence.
What was he going to say? Complicated? Platonic? Hotter than hell? I was suddenly insanely curious about how things were between them.
Jerry sighed, shoulders sagging. “We would never expect you to do anything to earn your place here. You know that, right? Nothing financial, nothing physical. Our help comes with zero strings attached.”
“I-I know,” I stuttered, nodding. And it was true, I did. They’d made it very clear and hadn’t pressured me to do anything other than rest. “But I think there is one thing I owe you, and that’s an explanation.”
Lazlo tried to interrupt, his usually smiling face marred with a frown. “August, you really don’t have to—”
“I know. But I want to. You deserve to know how I ended up here and why I… was ready to give up my daughter.” I wanted them to know that it wasn’t because I didn’t love her, but because I did!
I felt like they were giving me a second chance at being a father, and I needed them to know I deserved it.
They shared a look, and then Jerry nodded and said, “Okay, but not here. Will you come to my room?”
I agreed because that felt like the right place to bare my soul, surrounded by their warmth, their scent. Without asking if I was in any pain, Jerry came to my side and carefully picked me up. “I can walk,” I told him.
“This isn’t for you, sweetheart. It’s for me.” That melted my heart, and instead of fighting him on it, I submitted fully, resting my head on his shoulder.
I’d been right about their room. Pure comfort.
It was filled with their combined musky scents, and the dim bedside lamp showed the bedsheets were rumbled seductively, the pillows all in the middle of the king-size bed as if they couldn’t stand to be apart.
And just as I was painting the mental picture for that little scene, Lazlo darted forward quickly, and I caught a glimpse of a bottle of lube before he shoved it into the bedside drawer.
He saw me watching and gave a small shy smile, paired with a shrug.
Maybe things were less complicated between them than I’d thought.
The stab of jealousy I felt was entirely irrational, but it strangely helped when Jerry set me down in the bed, right in the middle of their mess. I didn’t hesitate to pull the blanket around myself as I propped myself up against the headboard, breathing them in.
Lazlo sat down on the bed beside me, leaving a gap of several inches between our bodies.
Jerry, meanwhile, perched on the edge as far away as possible, watching over Mia’s sleeping form.
He’d said the accidental kiss hadn’t been a big deal, but his body language said otherwise.
He was closed off, every muscle coiled tight.
Dejected, I curled my knees up to my chest, resolved to go through with this.
“The first time I met Victor was at a coffee shop. We talked for a few minutes while waiting in line. He was handsome, older, more mature, and I figured it was just a little harmless flirting with a man I would never see again.” I shrugged like it was no big deal.
If only I could go back in time and tell past-me what future this interaction set in motion.
“I did see him again, of course, when he showed up that weekend at the club I was at with a few friends. We danced, and I let him buy me a few drinks. All pretty harmless, I thought. I didn’t go home with him at the end of the night.
Later, he’d accused me of being a tease that night. ”
Huffing a bitter laugh, I shook my head.
I was trying to keep my voice steady as I set the scene for them, even as the emotions tried to drag me down beneath the surface.
I told myself that it was all in the past now, and while nothing could change what happened, he couldn’t hurt me anymore.
“I don’t think it was a coincidence that he was there that night. I think he was watching me.”
“He was stalking you?” Jerry growled, his voice low and dangerous. He was leaning forward, elbows on his knees, hands clasped tightly into fists.
“Not that he ever admitted it, but he kept showing up wherever I was. ‘What a coincidence,’ he’d say.
‘It must be fate.’ I… started to believe him.
He was always so charming, romantic. Persistent.
He bought me flowers and little gifts, and I never said no.
” I closed my eyes, hating how na?ve I’d been.
“The relationship started off normal enough, I guess. We dated, and after a few months, he asked me to move in with him. Maybe it was a little fast, but it made sense since I was sleeping there every night anyway. Besides, he loved me, right? So why wouldn’t I?
When my mom showed concern about how much time I was spending with an older man, I got defensive.
When a friend suggested Victor’s obsessive behavior was a red flag, I stopped hanging out with them.
They were just jealous of what I had, I thought.
And the first time Victor hurt me, I believed him when he said it was an accident and that it would never happen again.
” I pressed my thumb into the palm of my left hand, the memory of the broken bone distant now, like a nightmare buried in the fog of sleep.
“It was such a slow slide, kinda like how you stick a lobster in a pot of cold water, and they don’t even realize they’re slowly being cooked.
By the time I realized just how bad it was, I was in too deep to get out.
My friends were long-gone, my mom didn’t answer my phone calls anymore. I was entirely alone. Trapped.”
I took a deep breath, drawing Jerry and Lazlo’s presence into my lungs. I wasn’t alone anymore, I knew this, but that didn’t make the trauma go away.
My throat was getting tighter with each passing minute as I forced the words out, but I had to keep going.
I was almost at the end. “I tried to insist we use condoms, but he said… he said he didn’t like them.
When he knocked me up, he was so damn smug, satisfied.
He wanted to trap me, said, ‘Now you can never leave,’ but…
” I gave a snotty laugh. “Joke’s on him.
In the end, it was because of Mia that I finally found the courage to be free.
There was no way I was going to subject her to that life. She deserves better.”
Lazlo sidled closer until his shoulder touched mine, and I leaned into him, seeking out the strength I needed to get through this conversation.
“I don’t know if Victor had started out with a plan in mind, if this monster was always just lying in wait beneath his skin, or maybe it was me… maybe I brought it out in him…”
Lazlo’s hand on mine made my eyes snap open. I hadn’t even noticed that I’d closed them. “None of this is your fault. The blame lies solely on him.”
“I know,” I whispered, but that was only half true. Why target me unless I’d done something to attract his attention? Maybe if I’d worn a baggier sweater or hadn’t smiled at him that first day when he got into line behind me. If I’d said no the first time. Maybe if I’d been smarter or stronger or—
“I will fucking kill him,” Jerry snapped under his breath. He stood off the bed and paced back and forth across the narrow room, his tattoos roiling as his muscles flexed. The way his gaze kept flicking back to Mia, I suspected she was the only reason he wasn’t shouting right now.
Lazlo was a little calmer, his anger contained to where he’d fisted the sheets. “We can’t just let him get away with this. We should go to the police, tell them everything you just said.”
I shook my head sharply, my insides hollowed out, scraped raw. “I can’t.”
“Why not? We’ll go with you. If they need evidence, I’m sure an X-ray would show quite the story.”
And here was the whole problem… “Because Victor is a cop.”