Chapter 36 Then
Then
Mrs. Dulaney placed a brand-new calculus book on my desk.
The spine had zero creasing on it, which meant it had been opened very little, if at all.
I met her eyes in confusion. Had she heard I’d lost mine?
Had the librarian decided to let me check one out after all, even though I never did pay the fee to get a new one?
I’d been getting by on class notes and online searches for the past two months.
I studied the book on my desk. There wasn’t the typical library barcode on the side, like on my other textbooks.
“What’s this for?” I asked.
“For this class,” she said, as if it was apparent. What I really should’ve asked was Why now, after two months?
“Okay, cool,” I said, and she walked back to the whiteboard, where she began the day’s review.
I felt Beau staring at me. We’d moved as far away from each other as possible in this class. He now sat in the front right corner, and I sat in the back left one. We avoided all eye contact. Usually.
I looked over at him. His eyes darted between me and the book.
I wasn’t sure what he was trying to convey.
Was he reminding me that this book was one of the reasons I’d cheated?
Was it wrong that I wanted to chuck it at his head?
I averted my gaze so I didn’t give in to those intrusive thoughts and played with the strip of black hair I’d dyed the night before.
I’d needed a visual representation of how different I felt lately.
I wasn’t sure if it helped, but it was something I could control.
After class, Beau stayed in his seat and then timed his exit with mine. Or maybe that was just my imagination.
“New book?” he asked.
His acknowledgment surprised me. We hadn’t talked to each other since the day I told him off at lunch.
I raised an eyebrow his way. “Now I can start beating you again.” I didn’t wait for him to say anything else, just doubled my speed and rushed out of the building. When I got outside, my heart was racing and my hands were shaking. I ignored them and whatever they meant and went to find Cody.
He was in his normal lunch spot, which had become my normal lunch spot—the asphalt outside of the football field.
Ironically enough, he and his friends were on their boards and taking turns jumping over a textbook that one of them had put on the ground.
“Jones!” he said when he saw me, and skated over.
“Hey,” I said.
“Can I see that?” he asked, pointing to the calculus book I still held.
Before waiting for an answer, he plucked it from my hands.
Then he was skating away. When he reached the other book, he placed mine on top.
His friend was already heading toward the stack by the time I registered what was happening.
Before I could propel myself forward, his friend jumped the books. Cody was right behind him, and the wheels of his skateboard dragged along the cover, toppling the book to the ground. Cody laughed.
I picked it up and ran my hand along the new track marks on the cover. I rolled my eyes in his direction.
“Put it back,” he said. “I didn’t clear it right.”
“No,” I said.
He jumped off his board with a laugh and threw an arm around my shoulder in a side hug.
“We need to talk,” I said.
“About what?” he asked.
I looked around. Was this really the place?
I had a feeling Cody wouldn’t care one way or the other where this was done, but I cared.
After shoving my book into my backpack, I took his hand and led him away from his friends to a more secluded breezeway nearby.
I leaned one shoulder against the wall and he followed suit, facing me.
“We need to break up,” I spit out, not wanting to drag this on. I didn’t have the emotional capacity for a drawn-out goodbye.
“Break up?” he asked, once again reminding me that we had never really defined our relationship as anything more than hangout sessions with kissing.
“Stop seeing each other,” I clarified.
“Why? Because I jumped your book?” After saying that, he gave a goofy laugh, like he hadn’t meant to say something inappropriate about my book but had.
“No, not because…well, actually, yes, sort of. We’re not compatible.”
“But I like you,” he said. I was surprised he was putting up any sort of resistance. I thought he’d tell me he didn’t know we were together and that he was talking to three other girls, so it didn’t matter. It kind of felt nice to be liked. I hadn’t felt liked in a while.
I shook my head. No. That wasn’t enough. And I wasn’t even sure it was true. He didn’t really know me. He liked kissing me, but not much else. “I’m sorry,” I said.
“Is this about that guy I flipped off?” he asked.
“What?”
“That guy from the party.”
“Beau?” I asked.
“The one who stared daggers at me through the tutoring center windows when I was kissing you,” he said. “The jealous one.”
“He wasn’t jealous,” I said. “He was just a friend. But we’re not anymore. And no, this has nothing to do with him.”
He laughed again. I didn’t know why that laugh made me angry. Only that everything seemed to make me angry these days. I sighed.
“Okay, well, see ya.” I turned and walked away. And even though I knew I was now more alone than ever, for the first time in a while I felt some relief.