Thirty-Six
Henry
In the span of little more than twenty-four hours, Tait’s had approximately six rounds of sex, found out that her sister is actually her half-sister, found out that her grandmother is dying, and has now turned twenty-nine.
This is why I don’t hesitate to let her sleep in on her birthday. And while I’m not judging the fact that it’s almost noon and she’s still splayed out like a starfish, softly snoring in my bed, I am anxious for her to get up.
I look down at the card that holds her birthday gift and grapple with myself for the hundredth time on whether or not to actually give it to her.
Now, after having five hours with nothing to do other than to obsess, the implications of the gift suddenly seem too great to pile onto her. Thus, when she finally gets up, and sleepily pads down the stairs, I shove the envelope into the pocket of my apron.
“Good—”
“Oh my god, what time is it?!” she says, clearly panicked.
“It’s noon, but hey, calm down,” I say, trying to wrap her up. She ducks beneath my arm and starts toward the door.
“Honestly, I really wonder if telling anyone to ‘calm down’ has ever, in the history of the world, ever, actually been successful,” she spits.
What the—“Whoa, whoa. What the hell happened?”
“I gotta check on Ava. I need to go. I’m sorry. I’ll see you at the party in a little while.”
And with that, she bolts.
“Happy birthday,” I say to the closed door. “You know what? Nope. Fuck that.”
Pride be damned, my apron and I charge out the door after her.
“Hey!” I shout at her as she opens the truck door.
Back turned to me, I see her slowly duck her head between her shoulders, a turtle retreating into itself.
“Just what the hell do you think you’re doing?” I say to the adorable patch of bed head before me. She turns, then, and juts her chin up defiantly.
“I need to check on Ava.”
“And I understand that, but why are you being shitty to me?”
“I’m not being shitty!”
“You’re being shitty.”
“Henry, are you naked under that apron?”
“Stay on task, Tait.”
“I’m sorry I was shitty. I woke up, and I panicked. Yesterday came rushing back to me, and”—she starts to cry—“and you’re you, but I live in another state, Henry. I’ve done this before, this thing where it feels so wonderful so you just make it happen, where you forget yourself because you’re ready to throw everything you have at being with another person.”
“So you decided to pick a fight with me?”
“So I decided I needed to distance myself and stay away for a minute and breathe.”
I sigh, and I feel it down to my bones. “I’m not trying to suffocate you, Tait. In this particular moment, I’m trying to feed you breakfast and wish you a happy birthday. Can we have this conversation over cinnamon rolls?”
“You made cinnamon rolls? Naked?” she squeaks, and I nod. “Well, alright… since no one else can eat them, since that’s hardly sanitary.”
She eats slowly, gaze darting over to me self-consciously.
“Just spit it out, babe. I know you’ve got yourself backed deep into that head of yours again. It’s been a pretty crazy twenty-four so I’ll try not to hold it against you,” I tease, but she doesn’t return my smile.
She sets her cinnamon roll down with careful precision, and that’s when it occurs to me that maybe I should be worried, seeing she’s as worried as she is.
“When I got married, a big part of me chose Cole for the parts of him that I felt I were missing from me and my life. I fell in love with his family as much as him. I know that sounds childish, and maybe it was, but at the time it was what I was searching for. And I think—no, I know —that I internalized this feeling that I wasn’t bringing that to the table. He had good relationships as good examples for him his whole life, so he was probably right in most things when it came to us, right? I chose a career path that would have worked with supporting his, I became friends with his friends and their wives. I found a version of what I felt I was missing and fit myself into it. Followed him to school, made myself feel like no work. And I convinced myself I was better for it.
“It was only when he wanted to start having a family that I came to, that I decided I wanted something for myself, for no other reason besides just wanting it—not because it would change the world, or because it would make me rich, or because it would be good or sensible or even stable.
“So, I started photography. And he was supportive on the surface and all that, but changing my job was only one part of the fundamental change that I went through.” I take a deep breath.
“Now, I’m getting to know my family, getting to know myself again, and they’re warm and wonderful, and also… clearly very fucked up. This is all so messy. And you… Henry, I owe you for making me want to be open to this, and I’ll always be grateful. But don’t you see that you yourself do everything for them? You don’t owe them your entire life. Don’t you want something for yourself, too?”
I feel myself rear back. “Tait, we’ve gone through this. Look at how much I have to be grateful for. It’s obviously you that thinks that’s not enough.”
“I just… I think things can be great, that you can be grateful for your life, and you can still want something more for yourself. Not related to money, or even a job. But you guys are all plenty well off now—why haven’t you traveled anywhere?”
“I haven’t had time, Tait, I—”
“You could have made some time. And why didn’t you finish your degree?”
“Christ. Maybe I decided I didn’t need it.”
“But that’s not what you said. You said you were short because of family drama.”
“Yeah, because my mother showed up out of the blue! And I had already spent years dicking around at school by that point anyways!”
“Why is it dicking around when it comes to something that’s for you, though?”
I breathe in through my nose, out again… and play back all that she’s saying to me. And that’s when it clicks.
“Jesus, you think I want you because you’re part of them, don’t you?” I say, incredulous.
“I think maybe that’s part of it. I think you are so loyal and devoted to this place and this family, and that I might just be a very convenient piece to that puzzle.” She waves me off before I can interject. “But I also think that it took me years to find a sliver of myself, and I don’t think that diving into a life here, fleeing even the small life I managed to build for myself, repeating history in a roundabout way, is what I should do without some serious time and consideration. I’m trying not to let go too easily.”
I nod, not trusting myself to say or do much else.
“Henry…,” she says in a watery voice.
“Can you see yourself building a life here? Someday, maybe?” I ask, still not able to look up.
“Can you see yourself building a life in California?” is her answer, and damnit, she’s right. At this stage, I can’t. But I love you, is on the tip of my tongue.
But it’s not fair, to her or to me. If she doesn’t want to set down roots here, for herself, I can’t be the reason for her to. I’m not enough of a reason.
I think she very well could be enough of a reason for me, though. I think if she asked me to go with her, I couldn’t deny her. And that realization terrifies me enough that I need to get out of the same room as her; I need to breathe.
Christ, this must’ve been what she was feeling this morning.
I get up—with as much dignity as a man can while naked and in an apron—kiss her on the cheek, and head upstairs.
At some point I hear her leave, and I eventually work up the energy to get ready for the party.
I’m unsuccessful at keeping my thoughts on a leash, though, and let my mind wander to the future. There’s no doubt that Tait is in my life, and will be in one form or another now, forever. We’ll have to see each other at holidays, at minimum. I’ll have to meet the guy she ends up bringing home one day. I’ll have to swallow this love like glass, and I’ll have to be her friend. While the thought of not loving her rakes its claws down my brain, the thought of not knowing her at all clogs my throat.
And shit, this is not how I remember heartbreak. I remember wanting it to be done, to be far away. To be the proverbial kid pushing away his peas at the dinner table because they’re nasty—that’s how silly that heartbreak felt compared to this .
I can’t catch my breath for a second, for thirty seconds, for thirty minutes.
Until I remember what I do have, and that’s now. Today. Until I remember that I need to be man enough to allow her what she needs, while she needs it. Until I know what I have to do.