Chapter 14 Cass #2
My father described this exact scenario at the kitchen table mere hours ago. I nodded along, believing I comprehended what he meant. I understood nothing. The clinical description bears no resemblance to watching it happen to someone who screamed my name in ecstasy only moments before.
"Ash?" My voice sounds wrong. I pull out of him carefully, watching his face for a reaction, but there isn't one. No wince. Nothing. "Ash, can you hear me?"
His lips part as tears start to track from the corners of his eyes into his hair and he's not blinking.
My heart is hammering so hard I can feel it in my throat and my hands are shaking, my hands that can bend horseshoes and haul fence posts, shaking, because I did this to him.
I pushed too hard and too fast and now he's gone and my father isn't here and Ledger isn't here and I am alone with a man whose body I just vacated of its occupant.
Hold him. Talk to him. Low volume. Tell him where he is.
Fuck, I can do this.
"Ash, you're in Boone's bedroom." I pull him upright against my chest and his body comes without resistance, his head dropping against my shoulder.
He's warm and breathing and his pulse is steady when I press my fingers to his neck but he's not here.
"You're at the ranch and you're safe. I've got you.
You dropped, gorgeous, that's all, you just dropped and you're going to come back. "
Nothing. His hands are in his lap, palms up, fingers loosely curled.
“Please come back,” I whisper, caressing the side of his face, wiping one of his tears with my thumb.
He makes a small sound but doesn’t move otherwise.
"Teague!" I yell it toward the hallway because I don't know what else to do.
I know what my father said about waiting, about not rushing it, but the blank look on Ash's face is making my stomach turn.
The tears are still running, he's not responding to his name and I need someone in this room who can handle this better than I can. "Teague, get in here!"
I don't know if Teague is even in the house.
I thought he was in town. But footsteps come fast down the hallway, which means he got back while I was busy.
My brother appears in the doorway and takes in the scene in about two seconds.
Me on the bed, Ash limp against my chest, the blank face, the tears.
"Move over," Teague commands. "Give me space."
I shift as Teague sits beside us and takes Ash from me, gathering him against his own chest, one hand on the back of Ash's head.
"Hey, Sunshine," he murmurs, rubbing slow circles on Ash's back.
"You're okay. You went somewhere and that's all right but I need you to come back now.
Follow my voice. You're safe, Cass is right here, I'm right here, and you're in Boone's bedroom at the ranch. "
"What did I do?" I ask, my voice a complete wreck. "Teague, what did I—"
"You didn't break him. This is what Dad told us about this morning. His body let go." Teague doesn't look at me, keeping his eyes on Ash, continuing the circles going on his back. "It's not damage, Cass. It's trust."
"That doesn't look like trust."
"I know what it looks like. Just give him time."
Minutes stretch between us in mostly silence.
Teague keeps talking in that low warm murmur, saying Ash's name, describing the room, telling him about the weather and the horses and what we’re having for dinner tonight like he's narrating the most boring afternoon on earth, and I sit there with my hands on my knees feeling larger and more useless than I've ever felt in my life.
Ash's fingers twitch. His hand closes around a fistful of Teague's shirt. His breathing hitches, and then he tenses everywhere at once. His eyes focus and he blinks twice before he looks around the room with the bewildered expression of someone who just surfaced from deep water.
"There he is," Teague says softly. "Hey, Sunshine. Welcome back."
"It happened again, didn’t it?" Ash's voice is thin but there’s a hint of satisfaction there, his smile gaining some strength. "I dropped again. That was a big one." A soft moan falls from his lips as he curls tighter into Teague’s chest. “But it felt good this time.”
"Yeah?" Teague brushes the hair off his forehead.
"Mmmm, I really liked being…” His face turns scarlet as he sits up a little, twisting around to meet my eyes.
Weakly, he reaches out for me and I press closer, attaching my lips to his because I need to feel that he’s okay.
He tugs a little until I drag him back into my lap, finally relaxing seeing him back to normal. “Cass, I really liked that.”
His voice is barely above a whisper but I can’t help myself as I cup my hand against his cheek and lean him back just enough to meet his eyes.
“You liked being thrown around a little bit? Manhandled? Used?” His ears start to turn the same shade as his face but the way his thighs press together tell me everything.
Noted.
Teague glares at me to let up before my chaos tries to restart something.
Ash needs rest and I need a moment. Eventually Ash's grip loosens and his breathing slows, little snores permeating through the room.
Teague and I ease him down onto the pillow and pull the blanket over his shoulders, standing there looking at him for a second, this small man in a big bed, wrung out and marked and trusting us more than we probably deserve.
Teague steers me into the hallway and pulls the door mostly shut. "You okay?" he asks, squeezing my arm lightly.
"No."
"That's fair."
I pinch the bridge of my nose as I stalk to the kitchen for a glass of water.
"I knew it could happen. Dad told us this morning.
I knew what it looked like and I knew what to do and then it actually happened and I just panicked.
" I glance back down the hallway, my hands lightly shaking from the panic that came from that moment.
"He was right there with me and then he was just gone, Teague. Gone."
"I know. It's different when it happens under your own hands." He squeezes my arm again. "But you did the right thing. You held him, you talked to him, you called for help. That's not panicking, Cass. That's caring about someone enough to know when you need backup."
"I went too hard."
"I don’t think so. You heard him say he liked it and I know how crazy you can get.
Maybe he was always going to drop after a session like that and it wouldn't have mattered if you'd been gentle as a lamb.
" Teague lets go of my arm and leans against the counter.
"The point isn't avoiding the drop. Dad said it can't really be avoided with him.
The point is being there when it happens and catching him on the way back. "
I nod because I don't trust my voice to do anything useful right now. "Next time," I say, "I'll be the one who brings him back."
Teague nods. "Good. Now take a few deep breaths. You look worse than he does."