32. Kade
Chapter 32
Kade
We’re standing next to Presley’s car, and both of us are having a hard time leaving each other after what we just shared.
“I’ll be there as soon as I can.” I kiss her forehead, and she leans into it, causing me to linger. If I had any say, I’d skip dinner with my family, and we’d move her gig to another night so we could lie in bed until sunrise. Okay—we would have done more than just lie there, but that’s beside the point.
Tonight is important to Presley, and I’ve avoided my family long enough. It’s time for me to face my demons and speak with them like Presley suggested. And I need to take the olive branch Gavin extended—at least I hope that’s what it is.
Presley pulls back and smiles up at me. “The band doesn’t go on until seven. Take your time. Your family is important.”
I want to tell her she’s important, too, more important than I think I’ve even come to fully realize yet, but I hold it in, saving that information for when we have more time together. When we’ve both had time to process what we shared tonight.
I brush a lock of wavy hair behind her ear. She looks pretty tonight in light makeup, purple locks styled so they frame her diamond face. Come to think of it, this is the first time I’ve seen her dressed in clothes like this. She’s wearing black loose-fitting trousers, a white tank underneath a sheer black button up, and a pair of horseshoe earrings that she’s paired with a long silver necklace .
I decide to tell her what I’m thinking. “You look really pretty.”
She looks down at herself and waves a hand over her body. “I didn’t have a costume, but I call this my Cher from Clueless look.”
“I’ve never seen it.”
She scoffs. “You’re joking.”
“You think I’m watching ‘90s romcoms?”
Presley shoots me a chiding look. “Are you saying I’m old?”
I roll my eyes and tickle her sides. “You’re perfect.” Her giggles fill the air, a sound I never thought I’d hear fall from her lips, and I pull her against me. Her soft body fits perfectly into mine, and I’m struck with how right she feels against me. How right everything with her feels.
I hug her tighter to me and breathe in her fresh scent. I used to think the day Dad died had broken me somehow, but in the time since my accident, I’ve started to see that I’ve always been broken. I’ve always had an endless dark pit inside me that could only be managed and numbed with vices on the outside or with anger. But now—
Presley rubs her hand down my back and looks up at me. “You okay?”
I stare into her concerned eyes and nod. “Wondering if I need a costume or not.”
She studies me skeptically, but if I talk about my feelings right now, we’ll both be really late.
“Cowboy hat, cowboy boots…” She looks me up and down. “You’re a cowboy.”
I chuckle and kiss that smart mouth of hers. We melt into each other as my lips move against hers, and I absorb the small moan that escapes her when our tongues meet. I swear if gravity didn’t exist, I’d be floating in the clouds right now.
The sound of my phone pinging in my pocket startles us. Reluctantly, I release her and pull it out to look at the screen. It’s a text from Gavin. Then I see the time—I’m now ten minutes late to dinner.
“Go, Kade.” She smiles.
“I’ll be there before you go on, I promise. But no matter what, you’re going to kill it. And if you get anxious, remember earlier when you saw yourself in the mirror, how you felt in my ropes. How you felt about yourself. You’re amazing, Presley. Believe it.”
She scrunches her nose up like a bunny, exactly how she did that first day I met her, but this time, I think it’s to prevent tears from forming. Then she leans forward and kisses my chin. “Thank you. Now go. Listen to your family, and ask them to do the same for you.”
Her words wrap around my heart and squeeze. I know she’s right. I do need to listen to them and try not to let my anger get the best of me.
I swallow down the swirl of emotions that threatens to choke me and kiss her one more time. “Drive safe.”
With a shine in her eyes, Presley picks up the violin case she set down next to her before placing it in the back of her car. Once she’s safely buckled in and the engine has started, I wave her off then make my way to the main house.
I text Gavin that I’ll be there soon then stick my phone in my pocket as I whistle “The Kind of Love We Make” by Luke Combs. I smile up at the evening sky, enjoying that the weather is getting cooler as we enter November. Soon, the holidays will roll around, and the image of Presley around the dinner table with my family for Thanksgiving invades my mind.
I think of how she’d look sitting next to me and how it would feel. Of course, my family and I would be speaking to each other, and the dinner would be relaxed and fun. I’d have my hand on her thigh while we ate, and she’d be laughing with Momma, Blake, and Gav at some raunchy joke Gran told. I know Presley hasn’t had much time getting to know my family, and part of that is my fault, but I know they’ll love her. Just like I —
I stop in my tracks a few feet from my childhood home. Love. Do I love Presley? I put my hand over my rapidly beating heart as more images of her flood behind my eyelids. The day we met and how, even before I really knew her, I wanted to kiss her. The way it feels like we’ve been two magnets drawn together this entire time. How my heart seemed to know she was something special to me before my mind did. And while I’m not a super religious man, I can’t deny it seems as if the Divine has been on our side, throwing us together at every turn.
My body warms, and that dark pit in my stomach shrinks a bit more, just like it has been doing over the last month.
Love. I love Presley, the shy and awkward city girl who I’ve learned isn’t as shy and awkward as I once thought. The epiphany has me standing a little taller, and the nervousness I’ve felt about talking to my family eases a bit. I never thought I could be one for relationships, but I’m starting to think that was never true—I just hadn’t found anyone worth having, worth fighting for. But Presley…
I think of her sapphire-blue eyes and what it feels like to hold her in my arms. How I crave to see her laugh, her smile. She’s become my anchor, the blood in my veins that keeps my heart beating. Our relationship may be new, but I don’t care. It’s the first thing I know to be true in a very long time.
“Kade?” The sound of my name in Gavin’s concerned tone has me falling back into reality. He’s standing on the porch, his eyes pinched in confusion. “Are you going to come in?”
I stare into my brother’s green eyes and try to hold on to my newfound realization. A smile pulls at my lips, and I exhale a breath. Gavin looks at me funny, which I can understand; I haven’t smiled genuinely around him for a while now.
“Yeah, I’m coming,” I say. He looks hesitant but nods, stepping aside so I can make my way up the small set of stairs to the house.
I push open the screen door to the only home I’ve ever known, feeling like an intruder. I’ve come by a couple of times since my interaction with Momma and Gran to grab clothes, but I ensured nobody was home when I did. Being inside now, knowing my family is here, eats away at the good feeling I had before I stepped in. But I push the sensation aside, Presley’s last words telling me to listen to them echoing in my mind. I can do this. I can have a civil conversation with my family. Then maybe my vision of us sitting together at Thanksgiving could be a reality.
I step further inside, my nostrils assaulted by the smell of a home-cooked meal. The familiar aroma of rosemary and thyme tingles my nose—Momma must’ve cooked my favorite roast chicken. That dark pit in my stomach grows a little smaller still at the gesture. When was the last time she cooked that? It’s been over a year…when Dad was still alive.
For the first time in a long time, hope sprouts inside me even if a sadness comes with the memory. Maybe this dinner is more than about including me in the dude ranch decisions—maybe they want to make amends with me. I know I have a lot to apologize for, but could they finally see how they’ve hurt me, too? Have they finally listened in the silence of my absence? Maybe the time away from each other was needed.
Soft feminine chatter reaches my ears as I turn the corner to the kitchen, Gavin on my heels. When Momma, Gran, and Blake see me, they stop talking. For a moment, the air is sucked out of the room, and I can hear my blood whooshing loudly in my ears. The hope I felt ebbs as I’m reminded of the night of my accident, when I found them all eating barbecue and laughing. I stand there awkwardly as Gavin walks past me to the open seat at the head of the table, just to the left of Blake .
I stare at the table filled with chicken, cheesy potatoes, and corn. Tall glasses of cold sweet tea are sweating next to the plates. I don’t have to look up to know they’re all staring at me. I try to grab on to the strength I just felt outside and then start to list things off in my head like Presley taught me. Horse, books, sloth, flowers . The last one has me thinking of Presley’s tattoos, the violets she told me she got because she found them beautiful and delicate. I know if she were here with me, she’d be holding my hand and urging me to sit. So with a deep breath, I finally look up.
Gran smiles at me. “Sit down, boy, the food is getting cold.”
The familiarity of her tone and command has me doing what she says. I remove my hat and place it on a hook on the wall next to Gavin’s then run my hands through my still damp hair while seating myself at the end of the table. Blake is on my left, and Momma and Gran sit across from her to my right.
Blake smiles at me as I try to get comfortable, my gut churning from the warmth of it. We haven’t spoken much since I called her Blakey girl. I did try to bring it up and truly apologize, but every time she was around, Gavin was with her or I couldn’t get the words out. I don’t deserve that smile.
“You look good, Kade,” she says. Her brown eyes look me over from head to toe. “There’s something different about you.”
There is something different—a woman who’s getting ready to play her heart out onstage. A woman I’m dying to get back to even though we just saw each other.
“It’s that long hair of his,” Gran teases.
I comb my hand through my hair again. “It’s not that long,” I say, attempting to keep my tone playful. Before Dad died, he and Gran would tease me about my hair, but I like it longer. And judging by how Presley’s constantly threading her fingers through it when she gets the chance, she likes it, too. I’ll never cut it now.
Blake comes to my defense. “I think it looks good. ”
I tip my head in thanks, falling into the sort of ease I felt with her before I fucked it up.
“Let’s eat, then,” Momma says.
After Gran says grace, the food is passed around, and we fall into silence that I wouldn’t exactly call comfortable. As I chew my favorite dinner, I find it doesn’t hit the spot like it used to. I’ve got too much bottled up inside me that needs to come out, but I manage to force the food down.
About three-quarters of the way through my meal, I contemplate saying something. The nerves in my stomach are becoming too much. But at the same time, the prideful and stubborn part of me wants my family to speak first. I look across the table at Gavin, who’s sitting with his eyes on me as he chews a bite of food. We stare at each other for a moment. It’s difficult to get a read on him, because I expected him to look mad. But he looks…nervous?
Normally, he’d rub the back of his neck with his hand, but instead, his jaw ticks, and his eyes look unsure. I bite back a sigh and break eye contact, not wanting to think too much of it. If he wants to say something, I’m sure he’ll say it. He always does when it comes to me, even if he tries to hold back.
“Do you want more?” Gran asks, her eyes on my near-empty plate. “You didn’t take much.”
“I’m fine, thank you.”
“Are you sure, baby?” Momma chimes in.
Her motherly tone squeezes like a fist around my heart. Before things went to shit, she liked to tell me I’d always be her baby. The nickname has me reeling as I remember how much I’ve missed her, and a wave of regret sloshes in my core. I’ve been selfish and immature, not trying to make amends with her. I know she’s in pain, too—she lost her husband, for crying out loud. That pain has to be hard to deal with, especially since he left us in a tough spot and lied to her, too. I can see that more clearly now. And I can’t help but wonder: If Presley were given the chance to speak with her mom again, would she ?
I swallow down the thickness I feel in my throat and shake my head. “I’m fine, Momma.” My words placate her, and we once again fall into a silence filled only by the sounds of forks scraping on plates and chewing.
I sip my sweet tea, letting the cold, sugary liquid ease my flipping stomach as everyone finishes their food. Once the plates are cleared, I dig my fingers into my thighs, unable to wait any longer, pride be damned.
“Should we talk about the land leases, then?”
That awkward tension in the air pulls tight like a cinch around a horse’s belly. I scan the table to find the four of them staring at each other as if they know something I don’t.
When Gavin’s eyes seek mine, I raise a tentative eyebrow at him. “What’s going on?” I ask.
There’s another pregnant pause before Gavin clears his throat. “We want to talk to you about something, Kade.” His tone is serious. It reminds me of the day he came to find me in the fields to tell me Dad had a heart attack and didn’t make it. The hair on the back of my neck stands on end.
“You said you wanted to talk to me about the sublease and ideas for the ranch.” Gavin glances at Blake, and I see she looks sad, almost regretful. “What’s going on, Blake?” I ask, taking a different approach. My tone is a half-octave higher than usual.
“Kade,” Gavin interjects. “We did invite you here to talk about that, but we need to speak with you about something else first.”
My jaw flexes, and images of the papers I found on the table two weeks ago appear behind my eyelids. Those papers were nearly complete and only needed a signature from Gavin—I don’t know why I didn’t think of that before.
Those decisions were already made. I know he said they wanted to talk about new ideas, but I thought I’d at least get an apology or some say on the contracts I found.
The dark pit in my stomach I thought was shrinking now expands, and the light surrounding it dims with my newfound realization. I was right when I had an inkling this dinner may not be what I thought. I narrow my eyes, the air in my lungs turning to ash and clogging my airway, making my eyes sting.
“What is this dinner really about?” The urge to stand up and walk out is strong, but Blake’s clammy hand on my forearm stops me.
“We do want your input on the subleases and new ideas—that wasn’t a lie, I promise.” She pauses. When her brown eyes bore into mine, I see the sadness that was there the night of my accident. “But as Gavin said, there’s something we’d like to talk to you about first.”
My Adam’s apple bobs as I clench my jaw so hard I think my molars might crack. Presley’s soothing voice enters my mind, and I try to list off words again to calm myself, but the anger inside me is too much now.
“About what, then?” I manage to bite out. “Make it quick.”
Gavin puffs out a breath of air. “We’re concerned, Kade.”
My eyes snap to his as more anger bubbles at his words. “So your solution was to lie to me again so you could get me here?”
“Like Blake said, we didn’t lie to you.” He sighs.
I sit back and throw the napkin from my lap onto the table. “But you omitted part of the truth. You’ll never change, will you, Gav?”
He opens his mouth to speak, but Momma beats him to it. “Don’t blame your brother. I asked him to get you here, and he said you wouldn’t come if we just wanted to talk.”
“I would have.”
“You know that’s not true,” Gavin says.
I shake my head. I would have if they’d come to me and told me they were ready to listen and hear me out. That’s why I came here tonight, because I thought they would include me. I thought we could try to make things at least a little better.
I exhale a tense breath. “Even if it’s not true, that means you knew I wouldn’t speak with you on one issue, so you used something you knew meant a lot to me to get me here. You manipulated me.”
“You’re right, Kade. It was wrong of us,” Gran utters, “I see that now. But can’t you see we just wanted to talk to you? We were that desperate.”
“Yet nobody came and was honest with me. If you were, I would’ve talked.”
“Because you proved you could talk without flying off the handle before?” Gavin says. “We’ve all tried that.”
“No. Like I’ve said, you talked at me, not to me. Don’t you get that?”
Gavin rubs the back of his neck, and this time, Blake speaks. “You’re right. We should’ve been honest. But we all love you, and we didn’t know what else to do.”
I suck a breath of air in through my teeth, willing myself not to do what Gavin thinks I will and fly off the handle. Four sets of eyes peer at me, but I feel like they’re looking through me, not really seeing me.
Black creeps at the sides of my vision, and suddenly, I feel like I’m back at Devil’s Rock, my feet half over the rock ledge. The canyon below acts like a representation of the dark pit growing inside me at a rapid rate. Fuck . I wish more than anything that Presley was here. I need to hold on to her so I don’t fall.
“Kade,” Gavin says.
I blink away the spots from my vision. “Say it, then,” I bite out, resigning myself to hearing what they have to say. I won’t run away like Gavin wants. And if this is the last time we ever speak, I might as well know exactly what my family thinks of me. That way, I’ll never fall for this bullshit again.
“Kade,” Momma starts. “Ever since we talked, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about what you said. About your—” She pauses, and her eyes turn glassy. Gavin places a hand on hers, and she continues. “About your depression.”
My stomach sours. I regret saying those damn words to her. Even if they are the truth, I should’ve known they’d come back to bite me. “We’re all depressed, Momma. How can you not be, living in Randall?”
She shakes her head. “No, I’m sorry I’ve ignored the signs for so long with you. I think I saw it before your daddy died, but I didn’t pay it any mind. Like you said, it’s a way of life around here.”
My skin starts to crawl as the urge to drown myself in a bottle of whiskey comes back to me for the first time in weeks. “I’m fine.” I grit out the words.
“You’re not fine. You’ve not been fine for a long time,” Momma insists.
I clamp my eyes shut and pray for strength. Here they are, talking at me again. “How would you all know? We haven’t talked in almost two weeks. Hell, we haven’t really talked in a year!”
“Because you’ve been avoiding us! Drinking all the time, working all the time, being with multiple women!” Momma cries.
Momma grips Gavin’s hand as her eyes fill to the brim with tears. My heart cracks, and I dig my nails into my palms, attempting to breathe. I want to scream that I wasn’t avoiding them because I was depressed. I was avoiding them to give us all space, to allow them to come to me when they could finally talk to me and include me in their plans.
But relationships are a two-way street. I told Gran and Momma where they could find me if they ever needed me, and they didn’t come. They avoided me, too. They all did until Gavin invited me here tonight, to a dinner I thought was an olive branch.
Instead, I feel like I’m on an episode of Intervention . Little do they know, I haven’t touched alcohol in weeks. They don’t know that I enjoy the work I do or that Presley is the only woman I want. They don’t know that before I sat down at this dinner, I was feeling better than I have in forever .
But I don’t scream any of that. I don’t say anything at all, because I know it would fall on deaf ears.
“We want to help you,” Gavin says. “We love you.”
I turn my attention to my big brother, the man I looked up to when we were kids despite his faults. No man is perfect, but to me, he was always one of the good ones. I see that he cares for me. I know that he cares for me. But how can he not understand his methods are wrong?
“I don’t need to be saved by you, Gavin.” My eyes turn to the rest of them before they land on Blake. “I don’t need to be saved by any of you.”
“Kade,” Blake says softly. “I’ll admit this isn’t how we should’ve approached you. It was wrong of us, but we just want to talk. What you think and feel is important to us. It’s not about saving you; it’s about helping you get better.”
“And none of you need help?” I ask. They all stare at me like I have two heads. My eyes bounce from Gavin to Momma and then to Gran. “Do you really think that by fixing me, we fix this family? I’m sorry, but I’m not the only one who’s broken.” Silence fills the room, and they know damn well I’m right. “Dad dying exposed the cracks is all. But this family was broken long before that.”
A soft, painful sound breaks from Momma’s lips, cracking my heart open.
“What do you mean by that, Kade?” Gavin asks.
I blink at him, surprised by his question, that he’s not yelling at me to apologize to our Momma or telling me it’s not true. His green gaze bores into mine, and for once, I feel as if he might be listening.
“Y’all thought you knew him, but you didn’t. You didn’t see the side I saw. You didn’t see his constant drinking to escape his thoughts and ease his tired body. You weren’t there when we drank ourselves stupid most nights and he talked about what a burden this place was to keep going. ”
“We have a good life here,” Gran interrupts. “Your daddy loved this place. He didn’t think it was a burden.” Her tone is that of a mother defending her late son.
I huff. “I’m not saying he didn’t love it. He did. But it was a burden. It still is.” My gaze finds Gavin’s again. “Why do you think he said he’d leave this place to me?”
Gavin crosses his arms over his chest. His eyes are filled with pain. “Why?”
I lick my lips, slightly shocked he’s still listening. “Because, Gav, I’m already damaged.”
“Kade,” Momma argues.
“No, let me say this.” I swallow hard. “Dad wanted to leave the land to me because I understand what it takes to maintain it. Blood, sweat, tears, sacrifice, and a lot of heartbreak. He looked at you, Gav, and he knew without you even having to say it that you wanted to leave Randall. Even though you’re older than me, your mind wasn’t soiled by the harshness of this place. Despite what you may think, you were always happier, more optimistic than I ever was. This place, this land, it hadn’t left its mark on you yet. Not like it had on me.”
Gavin studies me, processing what I just said. I know it’s hard for him to understand or see what Dad’s words and my relationship with him did to me, and it’s hard for me to explain. I may have always come off as a flirty boy who told jokes and smiled a lot, but ever since I was old enough to be Dad’s buddy, that genuine part of me was gone—or should I say, buried. I’m starting to see that, for so many years now, I’ve played the part of the carefree younger son, and I fooled everyone into believing that was the real me when really, I care too much. I feel too much.
The bridge of my nose stings as I continue to stare into my big brother’s eyes. “I hate that he left the place to you, Gav. Not because I’m jealous, but because now it’s ruined you. Dad’s lies, his truth, the burden of keeping this place running, it’s marked you now, too. It’s marked all of us. ”
“Kade,” Gavin says, his voice so pained it hurts me deep down into my soul. “You can’t really believe that.”
The words I’ve never spoken out loud until now settle deep into my tired bones, and I finally let them free. “You were his oldest son. You were everything to him. I was his buddy, his friend. I loved him, but he primed me to take this land, Gavin, to live here forever. This life wasn’t meant for you.”
He shakes his head. “I don’t think that’s true. I can understand why you’d believe that, but while I’ll admit I thought of a different life for myself, this land has always been my home. This is my way of life, and if you’d stop and think for a second, you’d understand why I lied about the state Dad left us in. Not only did I want to protect his memory, but I was also trying to protect you from having to deal with the burden of Dad’s mistakes.”
“It’s not the same, though; he didn’t want this for you.”
“But at some point, he did, because he left the land to me even if he told you he’d buck the tradition. But despite all that—I’ve told you this many times before, but I’ll say it again, so, please, hear me this time—no matter whose name is on the deed, this is our family’s property. A piece of paper doesn’t mean anything. We all share in the burden of it.” He reaches over to Blake, resting his hand on top of hers. “All of us.”
“If what you say is true, Gav, then why have you kept me out of everything? I told you multiple times that I wanted to help. Then after the accident, I tried to warm up to the idea of the dude ranch, but you all kept me out of the big decisions. You even left me out of the land sublease conversation, the idea I gave you.”
Gavin looks down at his hand over Blake’s. When he looks back into my eyes, I can see the apology and regret that lies in them. “I take responsibility for that. I could see you were struggling long before you started drinking again. You were withdrawn after the accident and healing, so I didn’t want to risk you falling backward and ruining the relationship I thought we were rebuilding.” He pauses again, the muscles of his throat flexing as he swallows. “When you got the all clear from your doctor, I thought things would get better for you, that with you back on your feet, we’d be able to include you more. But then you started drinking and sleeping around, and with the way we argued…I got scared.”
“Scared of what?”
The small kitchen goes quiet, and I feel like we’re all frozen in time. Anxiety tickles the back of my neck, and my jaw ticks.
“Scared of what, Gavin?”
“Of losing you!” The loud boom of his admission seems to bounce off the walls. He’s not normally one to yell like that, so it shocks us all. A soft cry escapes from Momma, and I stare in stunned silence at the wide eyes of my brother.
“Goddammit, Kade,” he says, quieter this time. “I love you. And I’m so sorry for this mess, for everything, including tonight. I’ve been trying to do the right thing, and instead, I’ve done a lot of things wrong. I swear, no matter how misguided I was, everything I did was because I thought I could help you and protect you. But in that process, I feel as if I’ve lost you.” When I don’t say anything, he asks, “Have I lost you, Kade?”
Tears burn at the corners of my eyes. Gavin’s finally saying the things I’ve wanted him to say for so long. I know his apology is genuine—I can hear it in his voice and see it in his eyes. While it doesn’t make up for everything that’s happened, I can’t deny I feel a tiny bit of relief from his honesty.
But his question is a hard one to answer, because in many ways, I feel like I’ve been lost—not only from my family, but also from myself—for a long time now. I don’t even know if I’ve ever truly been found.
“I don’t know,” I voice. “I’m sorry.”
Gavin sits back in his chair and exhales a shuddering breath while Momma weeps and Gran tries to console her. The urge to leave hits me hard again as the pain I’m causing by speaking my truth to my family weighs on me .
“Tell me what I can do to make this better, Kade, and I’ll do it,” Gavin pleads. “I’ll sign the ranch over to you—we’ll stop the dude ranch and sell the land if you want—but you mean more than any of it. I mean that, little brother. We don’t want to lose you. Please, tell me what we can do.”
Everyone at the table stops breathing at his offer, including me. My ears ring, and I swear my heart is beating so loud the room can hear it. My eyes are locked with Gavin’s, his hopeful gaze shooting a dagger through my heart. He’s just offered me everything I wanted, everything I was asking for. But it all feels wrong.
My shoulders hang heavy as I try to think of the words to say, but none come to me. The dinner in my stomach churns violently as the darkness inside of me threatens to flood through my entire being. I stand up from my spot at the table so fast I see black spots behind my eyelids.
“I think I’m going to go.”
Gavin gets up and takes a few steps toward me. “Don’t run away from this, Kade. Please. We can talk this through.”
I force a small smile on my face. He’s right; we could talk this through. But there’s a reason the offer he gave me felt wrong—it’s because I don’t think this is what I want anymore. More than that, Gavin and Blake do a fine job of running this place. When I look at them together, I know they’re happy. It makes me wonder if the land has ever truly been as much of a burden to Gavin as I thought or if I was blinded by Dad’s words and actions.
Presley’s caring eyes appear in my mind, and I think of our conversation at Devil’s Rock, a conversation I’ve repeated to myself many times since then. What if she’s right? What if this is my opportunity to try to find myself outside of Randall, outside of the Montgomery Family Ranch and the plans my dad had for me?
The idea sparks something in my soul, but at the same time, a nagging voice in my head says it’s impossible, that I don’t deserve to have more. That all I get is to be a prisoner to this place until the day I get buried alongside Emmett Montgomery.
“Kade?”
I blink and refocus on my brother’s stubbled jaw.
“Talk to me, little brother.”
My gaze sweeps over my family and Blake sitting at the table. Their concerned faces only add to how badly I feel right now. I turn back to Gavin and lean in to hug him. The action shocks him, but I keep hugging him until his arms slide around my waist. I pat him on the back, ignoring the eyes I can feel watching us. “This is your ranch, Gav. You and Blake have done what Dad couldn’t, what I’m not even sure I could do. You saved it.”
He pulls away and shakes his head. I know he’s confused by my words, and maybe I am, too. But I need him to know what I’m thinking. “You’re part of that. You’ve helped more than you know—”
“It’s okay.” I stop him. “You don’t have to placate me. I’m a big boy.” I clap my hands on his arms and step back then look at my family and Blake. “I’m fine. Really.” The lie is a bitter pill to swallow, but I can’t stay here anymore.
“Kade,” Gavin tries again. “Please, stay.”
“I’m sorry I’ve been so horrible—and I mean that.” While I meant a lot of the things that I said, I’m seeing things a lot clearer. In a way, my anger with Gavin has stemmed from me not understanding we’ve been fighting for the same things. We’ve both wanted to protect each other in our own way. And as far as Momma, Gran, and Blake go, I know they love me and just want to support me. They didn’t deserve what I said to them, even if I was in pain.
Everyone at this table has done the best they could, and I think I need to figure out my own shit now. Without them trying to fix or save me.
I look at the clock and see it’s close to seven. Presley is probably getting ready to go onstage soon, and I’m itching to get to her. I bet she’s off to the side of the stage saying her words to herself and mustering up the bravery I’ve watched her build.
Thinking of her smile makes a little bit of that darkness cease. Maybe it’s time I learned from her. Maybe it’s time I faced whatever it is I’m feeling inside head on.
“Kade,” Momma says. “Just sit, and we’ll talk more. We can talk about something else, catch up. You can tell us what’s been going on between you and the city girl.”
I smile a little. “Presley. Her name is Presley.” My heart skips a beat as I say her name. “I need to go.”
“Kade,” Gavin tries one more time.
I press my hand into his shoulder and squeeze. “I’m fine, okay? I just need some space to think. And I promised Presley I’d be at Night Hawk tonight.”
His pupils dart back and forth as if he’s searching for a lie. Eventually, he releases a tense breath and nods. “I love you, little brother.”
I bring him into another hug. He holds me tighter this time, and when I pull back, his eyes are watery.
Before I leave, I hug Momma and kiss her on the cheek. I tell her I love her and that I’m sorry before kissing Gran and Blake on the crowns of their heads and saying the same. Then I walk out the door and pull in a long breath of earthy night air.
With the persistent thought of Presley about to go onstage, I haul ass toward the hands’ quarters where my truck is parked. When I arrive, I throw open the door and grab my car keys off the kitchen table, tossing them in my hands as I turn to leave. But when I pass the small kitchenette, a flash of familiar silver catches my eye on the counter.
I stop in my tracks, and my palms turn clammy as I turn my body to face Dad’s flask. The monogrammed M etched in the silver stares at me, as if it’s beckoning me toward it. Against my better judgment, I put my keys in my pocket and walk over to pick it up. I hold the family heirloom in my hands, feeling the coolness of it against my palm. It’s funny how such a small, inanimate object can feel like it’s alive.
Before I know what I’m doing, I grab the bottle of whiskey I had in the cupboard from weeks ago and move to the small dining table. I sit, opening the flask and filling it with the brown liquid. I put the cap back on then stare at it, my fingers tracing the M.
For a moment, I hear Dad’s voice in my head, asking, What are you doing, Kade? But I don’t answer. I only continue to stare.