34. Kade
Chapter 34
Kade
“I didn’t expect to see you in here so soon, Kade,” Dr. Ellis says, her eyes warm.
I run my hand through my hair, feeling stupid for being at the doctor, but when my eyes find Presley’s, I feel anchored again. She gives me that look that tells me to answer, and I smile sheepishly at my doctor while taking a hold of her hand. “Um, well, I trust you, and my girlfriend said I should talk to you.”
Presley rolls her eyes at my statement while her cheeks blush at the use of the word “girlfriend.” It’s been over a week since that night in the loft, the night we both told each other we were in love. And since then, “girlfriend” has become my new favorite nickname. Turns out, I am a relationship guy.
Dr. Ellis crosses her arms over her chest and goes into serious doctor mode. “I’m happy to help you in any way I can.”
Presley squeezes my hand. “I’ve been dealing with some depression and, um, alcoholism.” The words feel thick on my tongue. Being angry or snide made it easier to admit these things—I could almost pretend they were a joke, even though I was being serious. But now that I’m taking things more seriously and getting help, it feels harder to admit that I’m struggling, that I have a problem.
Dr. Ellis nods. “How long has this been going on?”
I swallow again. I want to say since my dad died, but that isn’t exactly the truth. “I had my first drink when I was fourteen.” I pause, and Presley grips my hand tighter. “And the depression, I think I’ve struggled with that for a long time. It’s gotten worse after my accident.”
She hums. “I know we talked about this the last time you were in, but depression after a heart attack is three times more common than in the general population. And given that it sounds like you have a possible undiagnosed history, I can understand why you’d be struggling more in the last few months.”
I shouldn’t feel comforted by that statistic, but I do anyway, like maybe this isn’t all my fault. Though I’m sure Presley would say none of it is my fault.
“As far as the alcoholism goes, Kade, you didn’t tell me that your drinking had been more than social when we went over your history in the hospital. If you’ve been consuming alcohol since adolescence, your heart could’ve been weakened, making a cardiac event more likely. Given that you’ve had a heart attack, it’s even more important that you try to get that under control.”
Embarrassment creeps up my neck, and the room gets hot. I look down at my hand where it’s laced with Presley’s and try to find strength. I owe it to her, to my family, to own my shit, to get help. With another pulse to Presley’s hand, I meet Dr. Ellis’s understanding eyes.
“I know that it’s easier said than done, and I’m sure you’ve heard this before, but the first step is admitting that you have a problem and that you need help. While I wish you’d been honest with me about this before, I’m glad you’ve come to me now. The good news is, there are many things that can help you. Antidepressants and therapy are options. There are also free groups like Alcoholics Anonymous—I can recommend one here in the city if you’d like, though I’m sure I could find some online options if that’s easier for you.”
I bite the inside of my cheek, attempting to ignore what Dad would say about this if he were alive. He’d call me ridiculous and hand me another beer. But he isn’t here, and I want to continue to be here if for no other reason than to wake up next to Presley every morning and see her smile.
I nod at the doctor. “What is my next step, then?”
“Do you have a primary care physician?” I shake my head. “No problem. I’ll put in a referral for you. You should be able to set up an appointment, and, depending on what you need, they can prescribe you antidepressants or refer you to a psychiatrist. I’ll also put the AA group information in your patient portal.”
“Thank you.”
“In the meantime, do you have a support system to help you?”
The answer seems obvious, but I know she’s asking because she has to. When I open my mouth to answer, Presley beats me to it. “Yes, he does.”
I lift the back of her hand and kiss it, causing Dr. Ellis to smile wider. “I’m glad, Kade, and I’m proud of you for coming to me. I know it must not have been easy.”
“My support system is pushy,” I tease.
Dr. Ellis chuckles. “Something tells me you need that.”
Presley huffs a laugh in likely agreement. “Thank you, Dr. Ellis.”
“It’s no trouble. And Kade?”
“Yeah?”
“Maybe try some goat yoga.” She winks.
“Goat yoga?” Presley asks awhile later as I park in front of the hands’ quarters.
With a bashful smile, I tell her the story of the last time I was in Dr. Ellis’s office. I earned a smack and an eye roll when I admitted to flirting with her.
“You’re not upset?” I ask.
“Why would I be?” she asks, unbuckling her seatbelt. I unbuckle my own, then we both climb out of the truck. When I meet her on the passenger side, I back her up until she’s against the door, my arms caging her in. Her breathing picks up, and I grin down at her.
“I’m not saying you should be. I just wanted to make sure you weren’t,” I tell her honestly. “I come with a lot of baggage, if you haven’t noticed.”
Presley blinks up at me, the mid-afternoon sun shining down on top of us. I step a little closer so the brim of my cowboy hat shades her eyes. She lifts her hand to my cheek and rubs the stubble under her thumb. “I do, too, if you haven’t figured that out yet.”
With a sigh, I lean into her hand. I think of Derek and the trouble he’s caused. “That doesn’t matter to me. But if you have any other baggage that I don’t know about, at least tell me so I’m not surprised,” I tease.
Her lips tip up in a sullen smile. “Just a crazy ex and parents who don’t care about me.”
I kiss her forehead, wanting to convey how much she means to me in the lingering kiss—that she doesn’t need idiot people in her life when she has me. By the time I pull back, her expression is warmer. Her thumb trails over my cheekbone again.
“Your baggage doesn’t matter, Kade. I like that you’re honest with me, that you aren’t afraid to own what you’ve done. Now I’m not saying I won’t ever be jealous of women hitting on you, but I trust you.”
My chest expands, and I lean in to kiss her. She opens her mouth to mine, and I press her harder against the truck, the softness of her body fitting against mine like it was meant to be there. When our kisses become more heated, she lifts her hips so her jean-covered sex grinds against me. I curse against her lips and let out a low groan .
“Gavin and Blake should be here any minute,” I say between her kisses. But instead of stopping, she gets more aggressive. I chuckle against her lips, my cock stirring to life.
“Just kiss me,” she murmurs before brushing her violin-calloused fingers down my arm. I shiver then trail my hand up, sliding between her breasts until I’m gripping her throat the way she likes. A moan escapes her lips, and I swallow it with my mouth. The sounds of her pleasure vibrating through me only encourage me to kiss her harder.
“Kade,” she says as she breaks the kiss. “I’ve missed you.”
Her hand digs into the flesh of my ass cheek, and the pressure on my cock intensifies. “You see me every day,” I tease. I press my thumb harder into her neck and take satisfaction in the way she writhes against me.
“You know what I mean,” she pants.
I do know what she means. Since that night in the loft, we’ve taken it easy. We’ve kissed and touched and held one another, but I understood why she wanted to wait to have sex again. And if I’m being honest, it’s been nice to just be surrounded and supported by her, to remind myself that I don’t need sex or booze every day to be okay.
My lips seal over hers again, and I surrender to her kisses, to the feel, smell, and taste of her. Everything about Presley is fucking perfect, and I can’t believe this woman is all mine.
Just as I grip her leg to hitch it over my hip, a throat clears. Presley detaches her lips, and I release her neck and thigh before she hides her face in my chest.
“I warned you,” I chuckle. I kiss the crown of her head then meet the embarrassed eyes of Gavin. Blake just looks amused. I pull Presley in front of me to hide my erection and wrap my hands around her waist. I make sure she feels what she’s done to me then give her a little squeeze that says, You’ll pay for this later. Presley’s purple-painted nails dig into my arms, and I smirk at her response before turning my attention to Blake and Gavin.
“Howdy,” I say .
Gavin nods in greeting, his features still colored with embarrassment, and Blake smiles back at me. The three of us have talked a couple of times since the ambush of a dinner, and I told them both why Presley and I went to the city today, but there’s still tension between us. However, I’m hoping that will fade over time as we work our issues out.
“Howdy, yourself,” Blake says. “Do you need us to come back later?” Her tone is playful, and I’ll confess it’s nice after how serious all our recent interactions have been.
“Yes—”
“No.” Presley cuts me off. “Now is good.” As she steps away, she makes a point to brush that fine ass of hers against my semi, and I have to grit my teeth. Oh yeah, she’s paying for that later.
She looks over her shoulder to wink at me, and my chest fills with happiness. It’s been a sight to see her blossom and become more confident. I love that she’s getting more comfortable in her skin, especially around people other than me.
“Presley,” Blake calls to get her attention. “I’ve got some paint colors I want you to look at while the boys talk. Are you okay with that?”
Presley checks in with me, silently asking if I’ll be okay. I told her I asked Blake and Gavin to meet with us specifically because I need to speak with my brother, but I love that she still wants to make sure I’m okay being left alone with him.
“Go, Lemon,” I say. “I’ll find you in a bit.”
“Great!” Blake says happily, stepping forward to link elbows with Presley.
As she tugs her toward the main stable, I stifle my laughter watching my girlfriend awkwardly walk away with an animated Blake. They don’t know each other well yet, but I’d like to think that they could be friends. Blake is a good person, and Presley deserves to have more people in her life that care about her.
Once they disappear into the barn, I turn to face a silent Gavin. He steps toward me, gravel crunching under his boots, and only stops when we’re almost toe-to-toe. When he doesn’t speak, I study his face under the brim of his worn dark-brown cowboy hat, noticing the dark circles under his eyes from what I’m guessing is lack of sleep. I hadn’t really taken time to notice it before, but my brother looks older. He may only be twenty-five, but he’s no longer the young and hopeful boy that he once was. But I suppose that’s what life does to us all, especially a hard life like ours.
“Do you want to walk or sit?” he asks, his voice gravelly.
I take in a breath of fresh air and look up at the Texas sky. “Let’s walk.”
We fall into step next to each other, walking along the unpaved road that will loop us around the main part of the ranch. There are a few hands around, including Art, who we greet as we walk by. Eventually, we get away from the stables and the people until the only sounds are our footsteps and birds chirping.
“So,” I say, “you’re probably wondering how the doctor visit went.” I shove my hands into my pockets and turn to look at my brother’s profile, one that looks so much like Dad’s.
Gavin’s steps slow at my words, his eyes meeting mine. “You don’t have to tell me unless you want to.”
Pleasant surprise and appreciation overtake me at his statement. This is a lot different from his usual demand for information. “I want to.”
Gavin’s jaw tightens as if my words made him emotional—happy, even. “Then I’d like to know.”
I clear my throat and let the information I got today from Dr. Ellis fall from my lips. Gavin listens, his jaw remaining tense as I speak. “Presley already did some research on our drive back, and I think I’m going to see a psychiatrist. She found a couple of online ones who have sliding-scale payment methods, though it’ll still be tough to swing since my money is already going to my hospital bills and current heart meds—”
Gavin stops walking, clapping both hands on my shoulders. “Kade, stop.”
A flash of anger lights in me, afraid he’s mad at me for some reason, but I stop talking at his stern tone and meet his gaze.
“Whatever you need, we’ll figure it out. The last thing I want you to worry about is the cost of something that will help you. Let me—let our family—help you.”
“But—”
“No, Kade. I don’t care if you get pissed at me about this, but you’re my brother.” His voice breaks, and he stops speaking to compose himself. When he looks back up at me, his green eyes are wet. “You’re my brother, and I’m not letting you do this alone. If I have to work more, that’s fine. But I’ve got your back in this. No matter what.”
His hands on my shoulders grip me tighter as I try to think of words to say. When I can’t, I do the only thing I know to do: I pull him into me and hug him. We stand there for a long moment, the world moving around us as we both process the gravity of his words.
When Gavin pulls back, he wipes his eyes with the back of his hand, trying to remove the evidence of his tears. It’s something Dad did, too, and it makes me smile. Gavin sees my grin and matches it.
“What are you thinking about?” he asks.
“How Dad would’ve told us to get a grip and taken us out to Devil’s Rock.”
Gavin huffs out a sad laugh. “Yes, he would’ve.”
We start to walk again, and I kick a large rock with my boot. “Do you miss him?”
Gavin is silent for a moment before he answers. “Of course I do.” He lets out a long sigh. “I think what I miss the most is the way he made Momma smile.”
My gut churns thinking of all the relationships I want to repair. Momma is at the top of the list. We’ve spoken once since dinner, and we both apologized to each other, but we have a long way to go.
“Yeah, I miss that, too. ”
We continue to walk in silence for a while until we reach a pasture where Willy, Big John, and some of the other geldings are grazing. I whistle to my horse, and Willy nickers at me, trotting over to us at the fence line. Gavin and I stop to give him some attention.
“Gav,” I say after a minute.
He stops petting Willy’s neck. “Yeah?”
“Presley got an offer to travel Texas after the new year with that band she played with last week.”
He smiles at the news. “That’s great.”
I run my palm down Willy’s long face. “I want to go with her.”
Gavin’s square features stay neutral, but I can see surprise flash briefly in his eyes.
“I’ve talked to Presley about it, and the gigs are short. We’d be gone for probably three days at a time tops, and the band can pay me a bit to help with setup and teardown to make up for the money I’m losing when I’m not here. But the ranch would be our home base, and we’ll work when we’re here.” I gesture to the land around us. “This place, it will always be my home. It’s everything I thought I wanted. But—”
Laughter reaches our ears, and we look up to see Presley and Blake in the distance. I watch my girl for a moment, my heart beating faster in my chest as I think about traveling with her, waking up next to her and experiencing new things with her.
“But it’s not anymore?” Gavin finishes for me.
I meet his green eyes again. “It’s complicated.”
“Everything always is, little brother. That’s life.”
I let out a sad chuckle. “Yes, that’s life.”
Gavin sighs. “I think it’s a good idea.”
“You do?” I wasn’t sure how he’d react, but this is going better than I expected. He nods, though I can see he wants to say something else. “What is it?”
Gavin scratches Willy behind the ear before answering. “When you said at dinner that you didn’t want the land, that it was mine and Blake’s now, did you already know you wanted to leave?”
I puff out a breath through my lips. “Traveling with Presley wasn’t an option yet, but I’ve been thinking about it for a bit now.” I look around once more at the plains and pastures, at the horse I love so much. “But Gav, I think I need the space, some room to grow and breathe. I think you need it, too. But I know it might not seem fair to you because you were always the one who wanted to leave.”
Gavin turns his gaze to Blake in the distance, her head tossed back in laughter. The ghost of a smile plays at his lips as he turns back to me. “It’s not what I want anymore. At least not in the same way. Blake and I have dreams, but our families and businesses are here. We enjoy what we’re building together. Yes, someday we want to travel a bit, but we’re happy.”
I bow my head, thinking about how much things have changed. I never would’ve thought he’d say those words. With another glance at Presley, I can’t help but wonder where I would be if she hadn’t come to Night Hawk, if she hadn’t been brave enough to walk away from her situation. I’m so glad she did.
Itching to get back to her, I step away from Willy and start walking again. Gavin falls in step easily beside me.
“It’s funny,” I say. “We’ve kind of traded places.”
“Yeah, I guess we have.”
“But I’m serious, Gavin. I’ll find someone to replace me and Presley when we’re not here. And when you want to travel, Presley and I can cover you when she’s not playing a gig—”
“Kade.” Gavin stops my rambling. “I told you—whatever you need, I’m going to support you. We’ll figure out ranch coverage, alright? Don’t worry about it.”
“I just want you to know I’m not leaving you, that you don’t have to do this alone, either, big brother.”
“I won’t be alone—I’ve got Blake, Gran, and Momma. And like you said, you’ll be back. You’re too much of a country bumpkin to stay in the city for long. ”
I chuckle. “Okay, you’re probably right about that. Though I guess I’ll figure that out for myself.”
Gavin puts his hand on the back of my neck like Dad used to do after a talk. The weight of it has a ball forming in my throat.
“Dad would be proud of you. I’m proud of you.”
“You don’t have to lie to me. You know I don’t like that.”
Gavin stops us again. “I want you to listen to me, Kade.” He takes a breath and looks me dead in the eye. “I’ve been a shit brother to you. I’ve lied to you, to our family. And while I can’t take it back, I can tell you I’m sorry. And I can tell you that I’m not lying to you now. I’m proud of you, of the man you’re becoming. You’re stronger than me, stronger than Dad ever was. You’re getting help, and that’s more than most people can say. It’s more than I can say.”
My mouth goes dry, and I look into my brother’s tired eyes. I place my hand over his on my shoulder. “Are you okay, Gav?”
He lets out a shuddering breath, and my chest smarts. “I’ve been having nightmares. Blake has, too. I thought they would get better the longer we got away from the accident, but—”
“Gav,” I say, my brain putting together what he’s saying. “You’ve been having nightmares about my accident?”
He nods. “Like I said, Kade: I can’t lose you.”
Water fills my eyes, and I hug my brother again. “You won’t lose me. You won’t. Not if I can help it.”
Gavin pulls back and keeps eye contact with me. I can’t help but feel guilty that I never realized how hard that night was on him. I’ve been selfish and an asshole. I see that now.
“I’m holding you to that.” His voice is tight as he chokes back tears.
“You can talk to me, Gavin, if you want. I can’t promise we won’t fight or have our moments, but I’m here for you. And I’ve got a long list of headshrinkers now, if you need one.” I grin in an attempt to lighten the mood.
That does the trick, and he smiles back at me. We’re closer to the stables now, and the velvety tone of Presley’s laughter washes over me as her purple hair comes into view, causing the hairs on my arms to stand on end. God, I want to hear that sound for the rest of my life—and I want to be the one who makes her laugh, smile, and curse.
“Look who’s back,” Blake says when she spots us.
Presley’s face lights up when she sees me, her eyes silently asking, How did it go? I quicken my stride, eating up the ground between us until I’m pulling her into my arms. My lips descend upon hers, and she lets out a gasp into my mouth as I kiss her. I don’t care that Gavin and Blake can see us; I needed to feel her lips on mine.
When I pull back, she’s flushing bright red, but the smile tugging at her lips tells me that part of her loves how much I want the world to know she’s mine and I’m hers.
I gather Presley snugly under my arm, and together, we face my brother and Blake. Gavin mirrors my stance with Blake, holding her close just as I do Presley. When Blake’s eyes meet mine, a silent conversation passes between us, one that says despite all the things that remain unresolved, everything is going to be okay. She places her hand over Gavin’s heart, and I nod gently at her.
“Gavin, I forgot something at the house—want to come get it with me?” Blake asks, a sly look on her face.
I rub Presley’s arm and grin at my brother. Blake didn’t forget anything at the house—of that, I’m sure. I waggle my eyebrows at him, and he shakes his head.
“Yeah, baby. Let’s go.” Before he walks off, he gives me one last glance. “See you both at dinner?” His shoulders appear relaxed, as if a heavy weight has been lifted. It takes away some of the pressure in my chest, and my own body settles.
I gaze down at Presley, and she tips her chin in agreement.
“Yeah, we’ll be there,” I say. I squeeze her shoulders, and my heart skips a beat, loving that she wants to be part of my life in this way .
Once we say our goodbyes and Blake and Gavin are out of sight, Presley turns in my arms and kisses me softly. “Everything go okay?”
“I think so.” I exhale, truly believing the words for once.
“Good, I’m glad.” She pecks my lips then tugs me so I’m following her.
I stumble a bit at the unexpected movement but quickly recover, chuckling. “Where are you taking me?”
She keeps her hand in mine but continues to walk backward as she looks up at me through hooded eyes. “I think I left something in my bedroom. Want to help me figure out what it is?”
I bark out a laugh and tug her into me. “I’ll always help you, Lemon. You never have to ask.” My words wrap around us, the double meaning intentional. She smiles up at me, her sapphire eyes glimmering with love as I pull her tighter against me.
With the sun shining down on us and the future looking brighter, Presley and I walk toward our “for now” home. Together.