Chapter 19 Tit for Tat
Tit for Tat
Wes
I’ve spent the past week pulling double duty on Dawson Ranch and helping Sawyer out with the horses.
I also tore out the entire goat pen because they had worked another hole into part of the welded wire fence.
I replaced it with cattle panel fencing, which will hopefully do the trick and keep Roscoe and the girls from getting into trouble.
I’m exhausted but also more awake than I’ve been in ages. It’s strange to feel both things at once. The exhaustion of a fifteen hour day of manual labor and that exhilarating feeling of being out in the crisp air all day with the sun tanning my skin.
I’ve brought Sawyer supper every night this week, but tonight she surprised me by having dinner made when I got here. Her eyes are brighter and more lively, even though her face is still a bit drawn.
She was itching to spend some time with the horses, so when she tried to tell me she could do night check on her own I told her I’d do all the work, and she could spend some quality time with the horses.
She didn’t put up too much of a fight, which tells me exactly how much the fatigue is still wearing on her.
We walk down to the stable together and her eyes snag on the new fence the moment it’s within sight. She comes to an abrupt halt and just stares.
I didn’t tell her about replacing the fencing for the goat enclosure. And now that she’s stopped beside me, not saying a word, I wonder if I should have asked for her input. She might have had a plan for it, which I’ve now undermined by trying to be helpful.
“If it’s not what you want, I can redo it. We had the extra cattle panels, and since Roscoe keeps tearing up the welded wire, I thought this would be a bit more durable,” I say when I can’t stand the silence any longer.
Her jaw works as she stares at the fence some more, still not saying a word.
“I’m sorry. I should have talked to you about it before—”
“Wes, shut up,” she says, her voice cracking on the last word as she walks up to the new enclosure.
I keep my mouth shut as she surveys my work, testing the fence by shaking it and then standing on it while the goats bleat their excitable greetings. Finally, she launches herself at me, throwing her arms around my neck. “I can’t believe you built my goats a whole new enclosure.”
Her hair tickles my cheek, and I settle my hand on her back, my heart prancing in an excited rhythm in my chest. She smells like lavender and something else, something earthy.
Sage, maybe? Her body is soft pressed against mine and part of me never wants to let her go.
She steps away all too soon, leaving me feeling slightly hollow.
“You’re not mad?”
“Of course, I’m not mad, you idiot. You built me a new fence!”
Her eyes are bright with excitement in the fading light as she greets the goats one by one while I feed and water them. Once we finish with the goats, we make our way to the stable. She alternates between sitting on a raised stool and standing while she grooms Dolly.
Her lupus has been on my mind for days. She asked me to forget about it, and I’ve tried and failed.
I want to know how she does it all—running a horse training business, helping Pops on the ranch, handing my ass to me in every spare moment—while dealing with a chronic illness like lupus on top of it all.
This woman is a certified badass, and I can’t help but stare at her in wonder as she combs Dolly, the mare bobbing her head in excitement to see her owner again.
She catches me gawking at her and gives me a confused look. “I’m not going to keel over while I groom her. You can go finish doing night check,” she says pointedly.
“How do you do it?” I ask, unable to bite my tongue.
“Do what?”
I belatedly realize my question must seem like it’s coming out of nowhere since she’s not in my head with me, so I elaborate.
“How do you do it all while dealing with something like lupus? The horse training, helping Pops—” she cuts me a glare that makes me want to duck and hide—“making a grown man’s balls shrivel up in fear from just one look. ”
Her lips twitch at the last part, but she stays silent.
She switches out the curry comb for a dandy brush, which I think is a stalling tactic. I grab another fork full of hay and put it in the feeder.
The longer she takes to answer my question, the more I wonder if I’ve overstepped by asking. It’s not exactly my business, and I can’t quite figure out why the hell I care so much, but I do.
I want to get to know this woman with all her fire and warmth and that lively glow that’s always on display.
She’s effervescent and I’m completely enraptured by her, like a moth drawn to a flame.
I hope she doesn’t light me on fire. Or maybe that’s exactly what I want her to do, come to think of it.
To feel the heat of her lick up my skin and set me fully ablaze.
She chills my overheated imagination with her cool response.
“I do it like anyone else does it. The doctors have gotten it mostly under control. The flare-ups have been pretty few and far between since starting the immunosuppressant. I use special sunscreen since I’m outside a lot and sun exposure can trigger a flare, but the shaded arena helps. I’m fine.” She shrugs again.
“Why didn’t anyone tell me you have lupus?” I know the question is stupid the second it passes my lips, but I can’t take it back.
She scoffs. “I don’t know, Wes. I don’t like talking about it to anyone.
It took years of testing everything under the sun to rule things out one by one while doctors and my husband told me it was all in my head.
That it was depression or anxiety and that I was fine before I finally found someone who took me seriously and I got a diagnosis. ”
“Your own husband didn’t believe you? Why the hell did you ever marry that guy?”
She lets out a strangled cry.
“What?” I turn around to make sure she’s not hurt.
“God damnit, Wes. You’re so dang stubborn. You don’t take a hint to back the fuck off. And I can’t decide if I hate it or love it.”
“Oh.” I swallow hard, trying to wrap my head around what she just said. She’s right. I’m damned stubborn, and I’m not great at letting things go. “Sorry. It’s none of my business.”
She heaves a tired sigh, relenting. “Landon found ways to cut out everyone who was important in my life so that all I had left was him. He made me believe it was all in my head, like the doctor said. I can see so clearly now how toxic he was, but while I was in that marriage, I was blind to so much of it. And once I realized... God, it was so embarrassing, shameful how long I stayed. Allie and I weren’t super close at that point.
She was off at college. Tripp was on the rodeo circuit, and I was stuck here with him.
I didn’t have them then, like I have them now. I didn’t have anyone.”
I stand there in shock as she puts everything I thought I knew into perspective.
I get it now. He was even more of an asshole than I thought he was.
And she was alone. The rage I feel over this stupid ex of hers has reached an intensity I didn’t know was possible over someone I barely even know.
My jaw is clenched tight, molars grinding together at the thought of it.
“And here I am again, talking to you about things you have no business knowing, baring my entire soul for God knows what reason. It’s embarrassing, but for some damn reason, you keep getting me to offer you little pieces of myself.”
I don’t bother telling her she shouldn’t be embarrassed. I don’t think it would do much good. Instead, I tell her what I’m thinking. “I really might end up in jail over that prick and what he did to you.”
Her eyes soften and her lips tip up into a smirk. “I like your unhinged side, Wes.”
Seeing her smile makes me relax. “Sorry for prying. You can ask me whatever you want. Tit for tat or whatever.”
She settles back onto the stool and continues grooming Dolly. She mulls it over while I finish filling up the feeders. Her face settles into her usual confident expression, and I know from that look she’s decided exactly what to ask.
“Tell me what happened with Hannah.”
I freeze, my shoulders going rigid. I never expected her to ask about my ex. I thought it would be questions about Pops and selling the ranch.
I haven't opened up to anyone about what happened with Hannah. It’s been months, and while my pride is still hurt, my heart isn’t.
In fact, it feels like I dodged a bullet.
Like maybe me and Hannah were more incompatible than I thought.
But that doesn’t mean I want to talk about the implosion of a past relationship.
I did say tit for tat, though, and Sawyer has told me an awful lot about her past over the last week or so. Maybe I owe her some vulnerability of my own.
She brushes Dolly’s mane and tail, waiting quietly.
I exhale a rough breath and lean against the wall.
“She ended things the night of our engagement party. Just as we were about to leave, she broke down and said she couldn’t do it anymore.
She admitted I wasn’t making her happy, that there was no passion between us, and that she deserved to be with someone who made her feel wanted. ”
“What did you say back?”
My eyes fasten on the wood beams of the ceiling.
“I was sort of in shock. She’d been planning the wedding with my mom.
I had thought everything was okay. Maybe not perfect, but fine.
We weren’t fighting, just coexisting. So, I said what I thought she wanted to hear.
I told her she deserved to be happy, and if I wasn’t making her happy, then she should go. ”
Sawyer hisses through her teeth. My gaze darts to her, and she gives me a consolatory look. “I’m guessing she didn’t like that.”
I let out a humorless laugh. I could see now how the words might have seemed cold in the moment, but I hadn’t meant them that way.
I truly just wanted Hannah to be happy. “She yelled at me, said I must have never cared for her if I was letting her leave so easily, and then she threw a vase at my head.”
Sawyer let out a loud cackling laugh, quickly covering her mouth with her hand. Christ, I love that laugh, even when it’s directed at me.
“You’re laughing at my pain?” I tease. Looking back, that moment was the most passion either of us had shown. It wasn’t something I thought I needed to be happy, but obviously she felt differently.
“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to laugh,” she apologizes, fingers pressed to her lips to hold back her smile.
I shake my head back and forth, chuckling despite the fact that a few weeks ago I was still reeling from my failure in that relationship.
“I was never quite what Hannah needed, I guess. The worst thing about it was having to tell my mom that the engagement was off two hours before the party to celebrate it was set to begin.”
“Oof. That’s rough.”
“Mom definitely wasn’t happy about all the last-minute calls to cancel everything. I didn’t hear the end of that for weeks. The whole thing messed me up for a while. But you want to know the most fucked up part?”
“What?” she asks.
“Hannah was right to leave me. I cared about her, but I was never going to be enough for her. I’d never be what she needed.”
I peer at Sawyer, sure I’ll see her lip curled in disgust at my admission, but instead, her eyes settle on mine. “She has no idea what she was missing out on by letting you go, Wes Dawson.”
She quickly ducks her head, busying herself with cleaning up the grooming supplies, and I’m too shocked by her statement to come up with any sort of reply as I let her words wash over me, loosening the knot of self-doubt and shame that had been tight in my chest for months.