Chapter 33 What-ifs
What-ifs
Wes
Last night, Sawyer and I lost ourselves in each other under a diamond-lit sky, and as we rode back, I let my mind wander to all the what-ifs.
What if I said fuck everyone else and gave up the idea of always doing what was expected of me like the dutiful eldest child?
What if I stayed?
It's a totally irrational desire and simultaneously feels completely sane. These past weeks in Cottonwood Creek have been the happiest I’ve had since I was a boy, but when I woke up this morning and listened to the voice message my mom left, telling me how much Dad has missed me at work while I’ve been gone, my resolve wavered.
And now, I’m just as full of self-doubt as always.
Pops, Tripp, and I ride three of Sawyer’s borrowed horses to one of the pastures. A few cows are showing signs of conjunctivitis, and we need to get them medicated, so it doesn’t spread to the rest of the cattle.
Once we catch up to the herd, we pick out the cows that need treatment and efficiently get them roped and tied down while Pops administers the medication and dresses the eye. After six weeks of working side by side, Tripp and I move like a well-oiled machine.
We spend the brisk morning in the saddle.
My hands are cold, but my blood is heated from getting to utilize the rope.
It feels like another limb now, familiar and vital.
The lariat is stiff in my hands as I swing the loop above my head and rope the next infected cow around the neck, while Tripp expertly catches its heel.
We work quickly, and by the time we finish the last cow, Pops is bent over, hands on his knees, breathing heavily. Sweat beads on his forehead and he grimaces as he hunches over next to Dolly.
I quickly dismount and bring him the bottle of water I have stashed in my saddlebag.
“Do you need to sit down, Pops?” I ask, offering him the water, which he takes from my hand.
“No, I don’t need to sit.” His mustache twitches in irritation. “I just need a minute to catch my breath.”
“You should have let me or Tripp do the medicating,” I say, my tone scolding.
We both told him we could handle it, but he insisted he was better at patching the eyes than either of us were, so we’d let it go. Now, I’m nervous that letting it go is about to result in him having a second heart attack.
I glance back at Tripp, who is watching us in apprehension.
This is why I’m here, I remind myself. Pops shouldn’t be doing this anymore, and he’s much too stubborn to get it through his thick skull on his own.
“You shouldn’t even be out here doing this, Pops. I haven’t gone to any of the doctor appointments with you, but I’m pretty sure this type of strenuous activity isn’t good for that heart of yours. This is why you need to sell this place. It’s going to kill you if you aren’t more careful.”
“Those doctors think they know everything. My heart can handle it just fine,” he grumbles, wincing as he stands straighter.
“Pops, I know you don’t want to face the fact that things need to change, but—”
“Enough,” he cuts me off. “I’m fine,” he says between gritted teeth before pulling himself back into the saddle. “I’ll see you boys back at the ranch.” He nudges Dolly with his heels, and she trots back the way we came.
I mount Cash, and Tripp and I follow behind Dolly who can’t stand to be behind the other two horses.
“He doesn’t like being told he can’t do something,” Tripp notes.
“I know it, but he’s gonna kill himself if he isn’t more careful.”
Tripp keeps one eye on Pops as he regards me. “He’s stubborn.”
“As an ox,” I note.
“Like someone else I know.”
I give him a sideways glance. “Who? Me?”
He snorts. “Yeah, you. Still set on convincing the old man to sell the place?”
I shift my eyes to Pops, who sits relaxed in the saddle now that Dolly has slowed to a walk after leaving the other two horses in the dust and nod.
“So, you’re still leaving at the end of the month?”
I swallow and the dust scratches my throat on the way down. “Yeah,” I say, my voice sounding dry and raspy. I clear my throat and try again. “That’s still the plan.”
I was really starting to hate the plan, but I’m not sure I can change my entire life, let down my parents and stay out here to run the ranch full time like I know Pops wants me to.
Everything I wanted to promise Sawyer last night tangles with the obligation I feel toward my parents.
My brain is a jumbled mess. No matter what I do, I’ll be disappointing someone.
Mom. Dad.
Pops. Tripp.
Sawyer.
Myself.
Tripp's face drops infinitesimally. “That’s what I thought.”
“It’s what I came here for,” I remind him, my tone taking on a defensive edge.
He raises his palms up. “Alright, settle down. I was just curious if you’d changed your mind, what with all the rumors I’ve heard about you and Sawyer.”
I roll my eyes. “What the hell is the town sayin’ now?”
“Oh, the usual. You’re madly in love, gonna pop the question any day now, get married and have a whole heap of cowboys of your own.”
“Jesus, this town sure has a wild imagination. I’ve been here six weeks, and she couldn’t stand me the first half of that. Who even told you all that nonsense?”
His shoulders shake with quiet laughter. “Linda.”
Fucking Linda.
“But everyone is talking about the two of you. People would have to be blind not to see there’s something there.” He glances my way, a knowing smirk pulling up the corner of his mouth. “You ever gonna tell me what is actually going on with you two?”
“I don’t kiss and tell.”
“That all you two did?”
If he hasn’t heard it from Dr. Dillard yet, or Pops, or Allie, then I wasn’t about to give him any dirty details, but he is my best friend. “We’re having some fun together.”
“Just some fun?”
My shoulders tense, but I nod, even though it feels like a lie.
Last night felt too vulnerable to just be about fun, didn’t it?
The way I’d opened up to her. The way she’d talked to me like what I wanted actually mattered. Like my dreams weren’t completely ridiculous. And the way we'd connected under the stars in such a real and profound way.
It was more than just some fun. But I don't want to admit that.
Not even to myself.
Tripp’s head cocks to the side, ready to call me out on my bullshit. “You look at her like she’s hung the moon, and she orbits around you like you’re the fucking sun.”
I swallow past the lump lodged in my throat. “Just two people gettin’ their kicks while they can still get ‘em,” I double down, and the words make my intestines clench.
That’s all it’s supposed to be. A little fun before I go back to the city. Doesn’t matter how down bad I am for that woman. If I leave, when I leave, it’s over.
I gaze off toward the rolling hills. I might be utterly consumed by my infatuation with Sawyer, but it didn’t mean I could stay. Even though the thought of leaving her behind feels like a swift kick to the balls.
What started off as a fun day of roping has quickly turned into a conversation that has dropped a lead weight in my gut, reminding me that my time here is limited and in a couple weeks, I’ll be back in the city for good, and Sawyer will be here. And that was all there was to it.
I’d been enjoying living in this fantasy with Sawyer, and I wasn’t ready for the reality check of going back to the city next weekend and seeing my parents again for Mom’s birthday celebration.
I don’t want to do it alone. I want Sawyer there.
I want to spend every spare moment of time with her while I can, but I know her, and she’ll say no unless she knows her animals are taken care of.
I eye Tripp from the back of my horse. “You owe me a favor since I kept Chase from kicking your ass, right?” I ask, steering the conversation in a different direction.
“Smooth change of subject.” Tripp smirks. “I wouldn’t have gotten my ass kicked, but sure.”
“So, if I ask for something, you'll say yes?”
“I have lines I won’t cross, even for you, Wes. I don’t swing both ways.”
“Jesus Christ.”
He laughs at my muttering. “What did you need?”