Chapter 39
Lingering Doubts
Wes
Iwake up before the sun somehow—despite the late night—and quietly stumble into Sawyer’s kitchen to start a pot of coffee before slipping back into my clothes from last night.
I consider heading back to Dawson Ranch, so I don’t have to listen to any of Pops’ wisecracks when he sees me coming back from Sawyer’s, but the thought of starting my day without kissing Sawyer makes me linger.
The empty kitchen might not be as good for soul-searching as the spot I brought Sawyer to the other day, but it’ll have to do this morning. I need to make a decision. I know that. I can’t keep floundering, going back and forth without deciding anything.
Sawyer’s question from that night under the stars rings in my head. What do you want?
What do I want?
After everything I said to Sawyer last night—and I meant every word—I can’t wrap my head around leaving Cottonwood Creek.
Is thirty-five too late to change your entire career and life plan?
I have a 401k and a pension. I make six figures at my dad’s accounting firm.
It would be a pay cut with the way the cattle industry has been going.
I can kiss my chance at traveling goodbye, not that I did much of that in the first place.
I want to see how things go with Sawyer, but what about Dad? He’s counting on me to return and help him at the firm. And Mom? She’d be so disappointed if I stayed.
Maybe I should go back to the city, take things slow with Sawyer. One day at a time. She hasn’t even told me how she feels about me yet. I could have just dreamt up that she feels as strongly as I do.
What do I want?
If I go, what would happen to the ranch? Pops wouldn’t be able to keep up with things here much longer, and he would hate having to give this all up. He would watch his dreams go down the drain.
Guilt twists in my stomach when I think of selling that place.
Guilt and regret. Seems those are the only feelings I can muster up this morning.
Why was it so hard to know what I truly wanted and what was just me hating to disappoint the people I loved? I’m being pulled in a million different directions all at once, and for the life of me, I can’t make sense out of which way is up and which is down.
What do I want? I still had nothing.
What the fuck am I doing? What do I want?
I need some fresh air.
I pull on my jacket and shove my hands in my pockets. A paper crinkles as my fingers brush over it, and I pull out the list I've made to glance over it for the thousandth time.
I’ve spent a lot of my evening hours working through both Pops’ personal finances and the finances for the ranch.
As I did, my mind flooded with ideas on how to grow this place, how to expand and put some money into new things that weren’t quite as risky as raising cattle.
Dawson Ranch was one drought or herd disease away from no longer existing.
I came up with some sound ideas that would ensure this place has a future—utilizing the stables again, offering riding lessons and a training program—but none of those are something Pops can put any time or energy into.
I stare at the list. Maybe it’s another pipe dream.
I sigh heavily.
My eyes scan the page of ideas before the creak of a floorboard tells me Sawyer’s awake. I quickly fold the paper and shove it into my back pocket to mull over some more later.
I look over my shoulder to find Sawyer smiling at me with her arms crossed over her T-shirt. “Look at you getting an early start. You weren’t going to leave without saying a proper goodbye, were you?”
I duck my head while I pour her a cup of coffee and hand her the mug. “Thought I’d help you turn out the horses before I go back to the ranch.”
“You don’t need to do that,” she says, peering up at me with eyes that look closer to the color of the sky this morning.
“I know I don’t need to, but I want to,” I say, brushing a brief kiss on the top of her head.
I slept like a baby last night with Sawyer curled up next to me.
I’d woken up early so I could make a damn plan away from her intoxicating lavender and sage scent, but watching her sip her coffee, her hair still a rat’s nest from the fun we had last night with that ever-present smirk on her lips, I find my answer.
I know exactly what I want.
Once we finish our coffee, we turn out the horses and return to the stable so she can start mucking out the stalls.
Her cheeks are flushed from the cold. I don’t think I’ll ever get over how damn pretty she looks when her skin goes all red like that.
I waste no time pinning her up against the stall door and capturing her mouth with mine.
Her lips are soft and supple, making me groan with desire.
I angle her head so I can ravage her more fully and she hums into my mouth as her hands wind around my waist. I’d happily stand out here in the cold and kiss her all day long.
I’m settling in to do just that when her hand brushes against my backside.
She breaks the kiss and her brow wrinkles in confusion as her fingers dig into the paper I’d shoved in my pocket this morning.
I reach around and pull out the crinkled paper to show her. “Sorry. I forgot I put that in there.”
“What is it?” she asks, peering at the paper upside down.
I scratch at my beard. It’s grown in thicker these past few weeks, and the itchiness of it has worn off. “It’s, uh, a plan. For the ranch.”
She arches a brow at me, a silent question.
“I came up with a few ideas while going through the ranch’s finances—ways to bring in additional revenue so we can hire some more ranch hands and expand. Diversify our income.”
Her eyes shoot wide. “We? Does that mean you’re not still pushing Pops to sell?”
I shake my head, finally sure of myself. “Not anymore.”
A slow smile tugs at her lips. “So, I actually accomplished what Pops asked me to do?”
Crossing my arms, I lean against the tack room door. “And what exactly did Pops ask you to do?”
Her gaze flicks away. “He stopped by after you first got here and asked me to help you fall in love with Cottonwood Creek again.”
Everything inside me goes still. “What? Why would he do that?”
Sawyer closes one eye and looks at me like she’s lining up her shot. “Maybe he thought you needed a reminder of the good things about this place, considering how determined you were to hate being here at first.”
“That’s ridiculous,” I scoff.
She skewers me with a glare sharp enough to make my insides clench up. “You had a piss-poor attitude and needed to get knocked off that high horse you were sitting on. You were his last chance at saving the ranch. I’m not surprised he asked me to give you a little nudge with the horses.”
I frown, unease stirring in my gut. “Wait. What the hell does that mean?”
My temper spikes, heat crawling up the back of my neck. I pace the length of the stable, breathing hard as I try to work through it. It's reminiscent of the way my mother always operates, influencing and manipulating until I do what she wants.
Sawyer exhales, crossing her arms. “It wasn’t exactly my idea to have you help train Luci,” she admits. “But it worked out. He took to you much easier than he did to me.”
I freeze mid-step and stare at her. My heart drops to the floorboards, leaving my chest hollow.
Was everything I thought we had some ploy she and Pops cooked up to keep me here? Was I just some idiot who fell in love with a girl who was doing her best to tie me to this place?
I’m lost for words, or just too mad to find the right ones. I’m angry at Pops for dragging Sawyer into this in the first place, pissed at myself for being so easily manipulated, and mad as hell at Sawyer for making me believe she actually cared about me.
Everything between us feels tainted now—like it was never real in the first place, and I was stupid enough to believe it.
“So, was this all part of the plan?” I gesture between us, my voice rough. “Sleeping with me just to make sure I stayed?”
Her mouth drops open in shock and then her temper rises, coloring her cheeks a bright, mottled red. “Nothing that happened between us has been a lie, Wes. I swear.”
My jaw clenches tight in an effort to bite back my retort. Right now, there's nothing I can say that isn't laced with anger or disappointment. I can’t even look at her without second-guessing everything.
“Wes...” Her voice trails off when she sees the look in my eyes. Tears form at her lash line, and I look at the rafters to stop myself from reaching for her.
“I can’t do this right now, Sawyer,” I grit out, knowing that I need to get my head on straight before I try to talk to her.
She flinches as I stalk past her, and it kills me, but I keep walking.
Because if I stay, I might say something I can’t take back. And as much as I want to be angry at everyone else, the truth is—I’m angriest at myself.
For falling for it all.
For Sawyer.
For the ranch.
For this whole damn town.
The screen door slams on my way through the door and Pops glances up from the pot of coffee he’s making. His eyes sweep over me, and the wrinkles on his forehead pull together in concern.
“What’s gotten into you?”
I slam my fist on the counter next to him. “When were you gonna tell me you and Sawyer were scheming to get me to change my mind about the ranch?”
He plays with the ends of his mustache like he does when he’s trying to decide the best way to fix a broken fence. I fold my arms and wait him out.
His loud exhale stirs the gray hairs of his mustache, and he eyes me like I’m about to explode. It doesn’t feel so far off, to be honest.
“I wanted Sawyer and the horses to keep you busy while I tried to sort through what to do.”
Oh, she kept me busy alright.
“I was here to help you. I could have helped you sort through things.”
His overgrown eyebrows raise toward his hairline. “Oh? Is that why you came down here? Because from what I gathered, you were here to get me to agree to sell the ranch.”
I scoff. “Instead, you roped me in to staying here for eight weeks.”