23. Dane
Warren pulls his dad’s truck into an empty field a few kilometres from the ranch. He drives into the barely visible lane with the confidence of someone who’s been here so often he could drive here blindfolded.
“This is the place. The pocket with the bright stars I told you about.” He unbuckles and grabs a bag from behind the seat. “Come on.”
Following him outside, I join him at the back of the truck.
“I had a reason for not taking my truck. The best way to experience this place is from the back of a truck, looking up. The gooseneck hitch in mine ruins that.” I watch as Warren expertly unrolls a mattress pad, flops a long pillow down, and spreads out a blanket. “Get comfy.”
After he lowers himself onto the mattress, I hop up into the back and join him.
The mattress is barely a double, and it’s a tight squeeze to make us both fit.
Warren adjusts, and after we squirm around for what feels like forever, we finally settle on a position with our legs tangled together in the middle so we can remain on our backs to see the stars.
After several minutes of silence in the darkness, I clear my throat.
“What your dad said about us being a great team…that meant a lot. I think he’s right.”
“So do I. The reason I hated team roping before was that I felt like I could never trust the other person. Maybe it’s a bit like a romantic relationship that way.”
We stare up at the sky, and Warren was right.
It’s so black out here, the stars pop out of the sky and feel so close you can touch them.
This feeling of wanting everything I could have with Warren swamps me.
He’s offering it with his silence as he waits for me to talk here in one of his favourite places.
Warren’s hand finds mine in the darkness, and it’s the push I need to open the door a little wider. To tell him the ugly truth and risk losing everything all over again.
“What I want to tell you, I’m not proud of. You know about Darla’s accident, and you know I stole gas before my mom died. I’m afraid that if I tell you the rest… I-I don’t want to lose this.”
Warren’s hand squeezes mine tighter, and neither of us moves our heads. We stare up into the vast night sky. Maybe because it’s easier to talk into the darkness instead of watching the features of someone you love collapse with betrayal.
“I won’t promise you something before I know what it is, Dane. I want to. I really do, but I don’t think there’s anything I won’t understand. I’ve been through a lot, and I think if anyone can understand, it’s me.”
My stomach feels like it might rebel the longer I wait, but Warren is unexpected.
I never thought I’d have a chance at a good life.
One with a life partner, rodeo, and Darla all together.
My reality, until coming to Kissing Ridge, was a nomadic life.
Living in my truck and moving to room rentals when the weather got cold.
Rodeo was good money, and as a roper, I could do it longer than other events, but I’d grow old and then what?
A future wasn’t years away. I lived by seasons and only a month at a time. Henry showing up erased my hopes of planning longer than those short time chunks. If I were honest with myself, and that was hard, he made me feel like I was on the edge of a cliff, and one wrong move would send me hurtling.
Warren will catch me, and as much as I don’t want to be saved by someone, I have to be honest with him. It’s not fair to drag him into this if he wants no part of it.
So I finally open my mouth and talk.
“After my mom died, we had people help with Darla. Dad picked up another job and was barely home. Then people just stopped helping. They had their own jobs and family, and I understand their generosity can only stretch so far. I was working as an apprentice at the same mechanic shop my dad worked. I didn’t have time for rodeo anymore.
Dad went from job to job, and I went from job to Darla.
She was alone for several hours at a time, a few days a week. ”
Those few hours when she was alone were the most tense.
I didn’t know if she might have fallen or gone for a walk and gotten lost. Maybe she tried to make dinner and cut off a finger.
I just didn’t know, and since the bills needed to be paid, it had to happen.
It wasn’t good for her, but we had no other options.
“Any money I had saved from rodeos paid for the help I could find for her. I was already good at siphoning gas, which I felt was necessary. The time between pay cheques sometimes felt like a year, and I needed to get to work to keep getting paid. It was a cycle. What I didn’t know was that my dad had found a cycle of his own, and it was a hell of a lot worse than stealing gas in a parking lot. ”
Wiping at my nose and blinking furiously, I’m extremely grateful Warren brought me to a dark place.
“I’ve never told anyone this before,” I whisper hoarsely, and Warren’s thumb strokes the back of my hand. I wish I knew before I fell in love that it wasn’t all rainbows and roses. Maybe I wouldn’t have let myself get so close if I knew it would be this painful to share.
“Are you okay?” Warren asks. “I know speaking things out loud can be hard.”
“I’m as okay as I can be. You might not like the rest.”
“Maybe not. But I do like you, Dane. An awful lot. So I’m going to listen.”
After a few breaths, I hang on to the hope that he’ll still have that feeling when I’m done.
“I didn’t know that before my mom died, we were already in financial trouble.
Quitting her job put a strain on cash. The farm had a mortgage, horses weren’t cheap, and health insurance didn’t cover all of Darla’s meds and expenses.
My parents had taken a second mortgage out from a private lender, and the interest was borderline illegal.
My dad…” With a heavy sigh, I send a wish to the heavens, asking my dad for forgiveness.
“My dad started gambling, hoping a big windfall would solve all our problems. He borrowed money one night from a guy. He won a little, then borrowed more. By the time I found out he was gambling, he was…” I finally lose the battle with the tears and let them stream down my cheeks.
“He was in so deep, the only way I could keep these people off his back was to offer my services to help. I couldn’t let Dad carry all that, you know?
So Dad kept going to work and so did I. Then it all got worse. ”
I’m vaguely aware of Warren pulling me against him, and we’re no longer looking up at the beautiful stars. I’ve turned his favourite place into one with sad memories, and more tears flow.
“Hey, I got you. You’re okay,” he whispers against my temple, and I’m not okay. I haven’t been for years.
“I found my dad in the barn about two weeks after I found out about the gambling debt. He left me a note, and I was so angry that he left me with all of this. And…” My breath hitches.
“I didn’t know what to do. We had no family.
No money. I buried Dad by digging the hole myself for his urn at the cemetery next to Mom, just to save the $100 fee.
His name still isn’t on the headstone. By some miracle, my sponsorship still kept paying me even when I wasn’t competing, and I found a place to keep Trigger.
Getting a place for Darla was luck. Kissing Ridge care home had an open bed.
They were the first place I found, and I had just enough money hidden to cover her first month.
I lied on the application that I had a job and income just to make sure I could get her out of the farm and be safe. ”
It’s odd how once you speak of things you convinced yourself that you’d never tell, the words keep coming. After wiping at my face, I keep going.
“The farm was repossessed. We lost everything except what I could pack and take in my truck. I thought it would all go away when I saw Henry’s photo on the news, saying that he’d been arrested. It was the first time since Darla’s accident I felt like I could breathe.”
Warren’s comforting hands smooth my back, and a new wave of anguish washes over me. I could lose this.
“With Henry in jail, I assumed the deals we made were a wash. I started rodeo again. I met you and life was looking good, but now he’s back and I can’t pay him anything more.”
“Why didn’t you go to the police when he showed up again? He already has a record.”
A very fair question. I considered it, but what if it left Darla alone?
“He threatened my family in the past, Warren. I have no reason to think he won’t do it again. So I didn’t go to the police because what if he does something to me? Or to Darla? I just…I can’t live with myself if more harm comes to her, Warren. I can’t.”
Warren remains silent, but he doesn’t let me go. I’ve probably soaked through his jacket with my tears, and even if he pushes me away, maybe he’s professional enough to let me stay as his partner in the ring. It’s the only way I can pay Henry and take care of my sister.
“You know this is extortion and illegal, right? He can’t just show up and threaten you for money your dad owed.”
“Yeah, but if I go to the police, then I have to share that I’m not exactly innocent in all this. I…did some things for Henry to take the heat off Dad.”
“What things?” Warren’s hands stop moving.
“Things I’m not proud of.”
Warren’s breath hitches, and when I press my hand to his chest, his heart beats a rapid rhythm under my palm.
“Dane…what did you do?”
This is it. This is the make-or-break moment. I’ve come this far, and I think I’d rather know Warren ends our relationship with the truth now than something else later. After a few breaths, I say the words I hoped to keep a secret forever.
“I threw a rodeo event so he could win a bet.”
His body stiffens immediately. “What?”
“I entered a rodeo. One off the pro circuit in a small town. I was hoping to get a bit of cash to help Dad out, but Henry got wind of it. He ran a lot of betting rings, and when he found out I was competing, he made me a deal. The jackpot was a decent amount, several thousand by then. If I threw the event and lost, he’d win a nice chunk of money, and he said he’d lay off Dad for a while.
” It’s insane what you can convince yourself is the right thing to do when someone you love is in trouble.
I just wanted to help Dad. He was dead a week later, and I’d tied myself to Henry with nothing to show for it.
“So I did. I lost on purpose, so he’d win.
My sister’s horse was meant to clear up the debt I’d made when I borrowed from him to keep us afloat. ”
Warren doesn’t immediately pull away, but his stillness worries me. I hoped maybe he’d see my side of things and we could go on, but perhaps I was being too hopeful. After all, why should I get a second chance with the best man I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing?
Pushing against his chest, I put some distance between us.
“I understand if you want to part ways, but do you mind taking me back to my truck? I’ll give you all the space you need, Warren.”
It’s so unusual for Warren to remain silent for this long. He throws all the items from the truck bed into the back seat and silently drives the few minutes back to the ranch. The silence breaks my heart, and it hurts far too much.
When he pulls up next to my truck, I unbuckle and hope he might reassure me, but his gaze remains down.
“Thanks for everything, Warren. If you want to talk, you have my number.” I swallow hard. “I’m sorry.”
After closing the door, I drag my feet to my truck parked nearby. Everything feels slow, like I’m trying to run against a strong current. My truck starts, and as I turn to leave the yard, the headlights catch on Warren standing there watching me.
I stay locked on his handsome face until he turns and walks into the house.
I drive out of the yard with nowhere to go.