34. Nathan
34
NATHAN
When I get Candice to her room, I help her out of her dirty barn clothes. She raises her arms above her head and lets me peel her layers off of her. But there’s nothing erotic about it—it feels tender, instead. Like I’m taking care of her when she needs me most. I grab her pajamas off of the bed and tug the striped flannel shirt over her head, and help her into the pants. She looks like a sad, lost little kid, standing there with her messy braids and her matching pjs, tears running silently down her cheeks. It makes my heart ache to see her this vulnerable.
I climb into bed with her, and hold her while she sobs, in great big gulps and heaving breaths, like she’s struggling to get enough air.
“Deep breaths,” I say, rubbing her back.
She just sobs into my chest even harder, her whole body shaking. I try to find the right words to say, the right combination of things that will make her feel better, but I come up with nothing. I don’t know how to make this better for her—I can’t make this better for her.
I know enough to know that this isn’t just about Storm. I bet she’s feeling the same thing she felt when she lost her grandparents. It’s like the losses have been piled on top of her, one after the other, and it’s more than she can take. It’s more than one person should ever have to endure.
“Nathan,” she says in a shaky voice. “I can’t get it to stop.”
“I know honey, I know,” I say, stroking her back again. “Please try to breathe. Please? For me.”
She nods, but tears continue to roll down her face as she shudders and gulps in air. I continue rubbing her back, feeling utterly helpless, as I murmur to her softly.
“I’m gonna go get Jenny,” I say. “She will know how to help.”
“No!” Candice says. “I don’t want anyone else. No one can see me like this.”
“But you’re happy for me to stay?” I ask.
“Yes, please stay. You won’t judge me.”
“I’ll never judge you, honey,” I say, swallowing my own emotions.
“Thank you, Nathan,” she says. “Thank you so much for everything.”
We stop talking, and she nestles herself against my chest. Eventually, she stops crying and falls asleep. I sit with her a while longer, and then get out of bed to go help Tomás take care of the horses. Even though I only got a few hours of sleep last night while sitting up with Storm, it’s not fair to leave the only other stable hand alone for the day. Plus, I’m nearly done with my community service hours, after working six days a week, for ten hours a day. I only need to do a few more days or so and then I’ll be officially finished.
As to what happens and where I’ll be going after I’m done, I have no idea. It all depends on whether the woman currently asleep in bed wants me to stay.
In the barn, I find Tomás talking to Jonah, the farrier. I had no idea he was coming in today, and if I had, I would have made myself scarce. He always a bit too friendly with Candice for my taste, and I’m not interested in playing nice with him. Especially not today.
“Hey, Nathan,” Tomás calls. “Come here.”
Grimacing, I walk over to the two men.
“What’s up?”
“What’s going on?” Tomás asks. “I just clocked in, and Candice is nowhere to be found. Beau isn’t around either.”
I rub my hand over my face and sigh. “Storm died last night.”
Tomás’s face sinks. “Damn it.”
“Fuck,” Jonah says. “Beau told me you had a new horse here. I told him I’d come over today and check on her hooves.”
“She was in real bad shape,” I say, filling him in on the rescue and everything we tried to do to help her.
“Candice must be crushed,” Jonah says, shaking his head. “I hope she’s alright.”
“She’ll be okay, because I’ll be there to make sure of it.” I cross my arms and glare at him.
Unfortunately, this just makes Jonah laugh. I just stare him down even harder, while Tomás looks at us like we’re both insane.
“I don’t like Candice like that,” Jonah says. “I’m not stupid and I like to keep my balls where they are, thank you very much.”
“What the hell does that mean?” I bite out.
“It means,” he says, scratching his beard, “that Candice Wilson is a ball buster. She’s not my type.”
“Well she’s my ball buster,” I say, realizing immediately how ridiculous I sound.
“I can see that,” Jonah says, still smiling.
I sigh. “Sorry,” I say. “Look, I’m not usually the jealous type, it’s just been a rough few days.”
“You’re so fucking gone for her, Jesus Christ,” Jonah mutters. “Now, are there any horses here who need a farrier, or can I get going?”
“Bubba threw a shoe the other day and needs a new one,” Tomás says.
The mention of the little pony gives me a really good idea as to how I’m going to cheer Candice up later, and the thought of it makes me smile. I leave the two other men where they are and head over to Ballantine’s stall. I always start with him in the morning, and he’s awake and lively when I get to him.
“We’ll go for a ride later, okay?” I tell him, after I’ve checked his water, hay, and cleaned his stall a bit. “And I’ll have to clip you soon, for the magazine shoot. I’m sure they’ll want a shot of us reining, and you need to look your best.”
Ballantine just snorts, and then lips at my pocket for treats. I oblige easily, giving him two carrot rounds and a small piece of apple.
“Don’t die on me, Bally,” I whisper. “You’ve gotta go when I go. Or at least let me go first.”
Ballantine presses into me, looking for pets, and I give them to him, soaking in the moment with my horse, and feeling the pain in my chest over Storm start to ease up just a bit. Maybe when I finish up at Star Mountain, I’ll start a new horse. It’s just been Ballantine and I for a while, but he seems like he’s about done competing. I could get a yearling, bring it here, and train it with Candice. Maybe I could get a new cutting horse and bring it back to the ranch.
I’d like to start competing again, too. But there’s also Candice to consider. Will this thing between us—whatever it even is—end when my community service does? That thought makes me want to rip up the careful log I’ve been keeping into a hundred pieces, and start all over again. It makes me want to ask the judge to give me more hours—more than I could ever complete, enough that I’d have to stay here at Star Mountain forever.
I know that I need to tell Candice how I feel. But with everything happening with Storm, it’s just not the right time. She’s emotionally overwhelmed.
I shake my head and force myself to get back to work. The hours pass slowly, as my mind keeps circling back to Candice, and to Storm—to the moment we realized she was gone. To the look on Candice’s face—on Beau’s, too. Like they weren’t just sad she had died—they weren’t surprised either. Like whatever hope they’d ever had for her to live had always been a false hope, because they both know better. Because they both know that the cold bell of death tolls with no regard for what the living want.
I try to focus on the tasks in front of me, but I’m distracted and moody all day, and the horses can tell. When I take Brown Sugar out for turnout, I spend a few extra minutes with her, giving her scratches and treats, and it makes me feel slightly better. She reminds me that there are plenty of horses that can be saved.
At the end of the day, I walk over to Jenny’s trailer and knock on the door.
“One minute!” she calls out, and the sound of small feet pounding on the ground fills the air.
Lila opens the door, with Jenny close on her heels.
“Hi Natan,” she says with a wave. She’s still learning how to say my name, and she sounds so damn cute when she tries that I just might change my name to Natan for her.
“Hi Lila.”
“Well, come on in,” Jenny says, holding the door open and letting me past. “I assume you’re here to talk about Candice?”
“Kind of?” I sit down at the kitchen table, which is covered in Lila’s coloring supplies and stacks of soaps. “What’s with the soap?”
“I make soap out of milk from the goats and sell it online,” she says. “But that doesn’t matter. What matters is Candice. She’s been in bed all day and she won’t get up even to spend time with me and Lila.”
I nod. “I know.”
“And Beau is even worse. He’s just roaming around the house grumbling to himself and drinking beer. I tried to get him to come babysit Lila because I know that always cheers him up, and he said no.”
“I’ve got an idea,” I say. “The thing Beau and Candice love most is horses. And if they won’t leave the house and go to the barn themselves, we’ll just have to bring it to them.”
It’s not easy keeping a headstrong Shetland pony under control inside a space he’s never been before. Especially if that space is a kitchen full of delicious smelling food. Still, I manage to get Bubba under control as he pokes around the kitchen curiously, sniffing at the fruit bowl on the kitchen table and eyeing the dish towels warily.
“Candice,” I bellow. “Beau! You better come out here.”
“Lila has something she wants to show you,” Jenny calls out.
“I do! I do!” Lila adds in a tiny, high-pitched voice.
“We’re not taking company right now,” Beau yells from the living room.
“Too fu—” I glance over at Lila and immediately change course. “Too darn bad! We’re here anyway.”
“Go away!” Candice says from the hall.
“And leave you two to rot in here together? No chance,” Jenny says.
“We’re not rotting, we’re mourning,” Candice calls.
“Fair enough, but Lila still has something to show you! And I brought over a tray of mac and cheese.”
The mac and cheese was Jenny’s idea, and a brilliant one. Neither Wilson sibling can resist it, and it’s the perfect comfort food.
“Fine, fine,” Candice says, and I hear the sound of her footsteps coming closer to the kitchen.
“You ready, Lila?” I ask, squatting down next to her.
“Yes, I wanna ride Bubba!” she squeaks.
Jenny picks her up and carefully positions her on Bubba’s back. The pony is decked out in a tiny western saddle that I found in the back of the tack room earlier. I gave it a good clean, groomed Bubba within an inch of his life, and even braided his mane and tail. Lila is wearing a princess dress, because she insisted, but with pants underneath it because Jenny refused to let her leave the house without them on.
“What’s going on?” Candice asks when she reaches the kitchen.
She looks tired, and is wearing the pajamas I put her in earlier, with her hair in two disheveled braids. Beau comes around the corner and he looks just as rough, with dark circles under his eyes and scruffy hair. Seeing the Wilson siblings in person convinces me that Jenny and I have done the right thing—they may be in mourning, but they need to eat. And they need some joy, too.
“Lila is having her first riding lesson,” I say. “With Bubba.”
“Inside our kitchen?” Candice asks.
“Inside your kitchen,” I confirm. “You and Beau wouldn’t come see the horses, so I thought we had to bring one to you instead.”
“Grammy would have loved this,” Beau says softly. “She always wanted to build a window overlooking the paddocks so that the horses could come poke their heads through.”
“She would,” Candice says. “This is exactly the type of thing Gramps would have surprised her with, too.”
It seems I’ve done something right, as being compared to their grandpa, even indirectly, is a huge compliment.
“Ride time!” Lila declares. “Yah!”
She tries to give Bubba a kick, but I catch her sneakered foot in my hand. “We don’t kick Bubba,” I say. “Or any horse, unless you absolutely have to. A light tap is okay.” It’s not like her tiny foot would hurt him, but you can never start teaching them too early.
I start leading Bubba around the kitchen table, and Jenny walks beside us, making sure Lila stays on. She’s far too small to really ride, but it’s still pretty darn cute. And it’ll get her used to being in the saddle.
“Great job, Lila!” Candice calls from the other side of the room. “You’ve got a good seat.”
“A natural!” Beau adds, smiling encouragingly.
Lila waves her hands at them in response, dropping the reins and only staying on because her mother is there to hold her.
“Make sure you hold the reins,” Candice says.
Lila diligently picks her reins up again, and Bubba, to his credit, is very well behaved as we walk around the kitchen in circles. When we finish the last lap, Candice and Beau clap and Lila bounces around in the saddle, clearly happy with all of the attention.
“Uncle Beau, Uncle Beau, help me down!”
Beau obliges, gently lifting her out of the saddle and giving both her and Jenny a soft look as he does. Jenny, though, looks away from him quickly, clearly bothered by his attention.
“When was the first time you rode?” I ask Candice, who has come over to give Bubba some pets.
“Probably when I was four? It was definitely while our parents were still around,” she says, her voice breaking a bit.
“Do you remember it?” I ask.
“Bits and pieces. I remember being happy around horses from the moment I first saw them.” She gives Bubba a scratch on his muzzle and he lips at her hand like a goof ball.
“That’s why Jenny and I decided to do this. We knew you couldn’t last more than a day without horses.”
“It was all Nathan’s idea, by the way,” Jenny pipes up. “I just made the mac and cheese.”
“And I did the riding!” Lila says, running around in a circle.
“Should we eat?” Beau asks.
“Yes! But Bubba has to stay,” Lila says.
“Bubba stays,” Candice confirms. “And so does Nathan.”
She smiles at me, just for a second, but it reaches all the way to her eyes. Seeing her happy, even if just for a moment, lifts a weight off of my chest. It’s going to be okay. We’re going to be okay. The hurt from Storm’s death won’t wear off for a while, but I’m determined to be by her side to help her through it all.