39. Candice
39
CANDICE
As soon as I see Nathan’s truck and trailer pull out of the driveway, I collapse. Ending things with him might have been the right decision, but seeing him go still hurts. Especially since he loves me.
Hearing him say that was a shock to my system—completely and totally unexpected. Nathan Booth loves me.
Nathan Booth loves me.
Thinking about it makes me feel slightly giddy. And then, of course, sick to my stomach because it doesn’t matter. He’s still gone. He still left.
“He was never going to stay,” I whisper to myself out loud.
I haul myself out of my seat and off into the barn. With Nathan gone, Tomás is our only stable hand once again, and he’ll likely need some help with everything. He’s already brought most of the horses outside for turnout, so I pick up a rake and a bag of shavings and get to work cleaning.
When I get to Ballantine’s stall, which is empty, I feel sick to my stomach all over again. I sit down in a relatively clean corner of it, hug my knees to my chest, and give into the need to cry, for what feels like the millionth time this week. I keep the tears as silent as possible, because I don’t need Jenny coming over and asking me what’s wrong. I’ll tell her all about it—about everything—later, but right now I can’t handle it.
In my vest pocket, my phone buzzes, and I pull it out and see that Winnie is video calling me. I answer, because with her, I always do. I never know what crazy shit her parents are going to pull and I have to make sure I’m there for her.
“Hey,” I say.
“Oh no. What happened?” Winnie asks, seeing my tear-stained face.
“It’s fine. Are you okay? How are things?”
“Nope, not going to work. I called to see how you were doing because I know things have been rough for you.”
“Just tell me if you’re safe or not, and I promise I’ll tell you everything.”
“I’m safe. Admittedly, things aren’t great here,” she says, grimacing. “But that’s nothing new. And it’s nothing I can’t handle. I’ll be leaving soon, anyways.”
“Okay. Let me know what I can do to help.”
Winne smiles slyly. “What you can do to help is distract me by telling me all about your sexy lessons with Nate.”
“We never had another sexy lesson,” I admit. “After Storm died, there wasn’t really a time that felt right, and he, um, he left today.”
“He what?! I’m gonna kill him.”
“No, Winnie, it’s fine. I swear. He was done with his community service and he’s going to compete again soon, so he had to get back to his life.”
“But he left you!”
“Well, technically he asked me to be with him. And he told me that he loved me.” Winnie’s eyes turn into saucers, and I can tell she’s dying to say something. “But I don’t want to be in a relationship that’s so up and down, with him gone all the time for competitions. He’d have this whole life that I wouldn’t be involved in because I need to be here, and it would be too difficult.”
“He is a player, I guess,” Winnie says. “Who knows how long he’d stick around.”
I nod. “And I just can’t see myself happy in a long-distance relationship.”
“It sounds like you did the right thing, then,” Winnie says. “Unless you love him?”
My heart knows the answer to that question, but my mouth seems too afraid to form the words—as if admitting it now that Nathan is gone is just too much to bear.
“I’m not sure.” It’s not the truth, but it’s as much as I can give right now, and Winnie is a good enough friend not to call me out on it.
“Okay well, if you change your mind on that, I’m here and willing to help you organize a grand gesture or whatever it is that you need to do.”
“Thanks, Win.”
“I’ll call again soon, but I gotta go right now. My mom is looking for me and I need to make sure I pass her inspection before today’s shoot. I’ve been on my best behavior so they don’t suspect anything.”
“The room is here waiting for you. Let me know as soon as you get on the road.”
“I will. Love you!”
“Love you,” I say back, and then we hang up.
I haul myself up, dust off my jeans, and open the stall door. I find Jenny standing there, with her hand on her hip and her head cocked to one side.
“I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but I was walking by and couldn’t help but hear the words ‘sexy lessons with Nate,’” she says. “Candice Wilson, you tell me what’s going on with you and Nate right now or I swear to God.”
“It doesn’t matter,” I say wearily. “He’s gone, and everything that happened between us is over.”
“So something else happened after the kiss you told me about? Was the kiss part of your lessons or whatever with him?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.” I try to move past Jenny, but she manages to block my path despite being shorter than I am.
“I have bigger hips than you,” she says, squaring her body and crossing her arms. “Plus I’m a mom. There’s no getting past me until you agree to come to the Neon Horseshoe with me later. Beau will look after Lila, and we’ll get a taxi to and from.”
“That’s expensive!”
“It’s on me,” she says. “I sold out of my soap stock for this week so I’m feeling rich. Plus it’s LGBTQ quiz night and Ronda always makes a special cocktail for it.”
I try to squeeze past Jenny, but she pushes me back.
“Fine,” I relent. “I’ll go. But only because of the special cocktails. And I’m not getting dressed up and I’m not necessarily telling you everything.”
“Wear whatever the hell you want, just be ready to go by seven.”
Jenny smiles triumphantly, and then lets me past her.
“Add getting trapped in a stall by my crazy friend to my list of fears,” I mutter as I walk by her.
“You love me!”
I’ve been grieving since Storm passed, and now I’m grieving because of Nathan. But maybe Jenny’s right. Maybe a night out will help me move on.
It turns out that Ronda’s Rainbow Paloma Smash is an excellent way to move on. At least temporarily.
“Here you go, honey,” Ronda says, passing me a second cocktail. The brown skin around her eyes crinkles as she smiles sympathetically at me. And Ronda is not known for her smiles.
“Is it that obvious?” I ask with a wince.
“Bartenders are good at reading people,” she says. “It’s clear as day to me.”
“Great,” I mutter.
I head back to the table and sit down across from Jenny.
“Cheers,” I say, clinking my glass into hers.
I swallow a large glug of the cocktail and the high percentage of alcohol makes me choke a bit. It’s busy because of the quiz, and Ronda is playing a mix of country music and show tunes, which gives off a slightly weird vibe, but it’s what she likes to listen to.
“So now that I’ve got you good and tipsy, it’s time to dish,” Jenny tells me.
“Noooo,” I whine. “I hate opening up.”
“Too bad. Just like Winnie, I want to know about the sexy lessons he was giving you. And I won’t take no for an answer.”
I cradle my head in my hands and make an exasperated sound. “It’s not easy to explain.”
“I’ve read plenty of romance novels, so I get the basics, don’t worry.”
“Oh my God, it wasn’t like that! He wasn’t really teaching me. He just agreed to help me practice?—”
“Wait, he agreed? As in you asked him ? You dirty little slut, I love it!”
Ack. Jenny is clearly joking, but has no idea that’s what Nathan used to call me.
“I just wanted to know what it was like,” I explain. “To have sex be good with a man, you know? Because it never, ever was with Ralph. And I figured practicing a bit with Nathan would help me work through some of the nerves I have around men and sex and relationships.”
“Uh-huh,” Jenny says. “Makes sense.” She doesn’t sound convinced though.
“It does! It does make sense. I’m comfortable around Nathan. Or, well, I was comfortable around him. Having sex with him was fun, and easy. The chemistry between us was great. And he always made it good for me. Like, really, really good, Jenny.”
“Okay, Christ, I believe you. You don’t have to brag.”
“You could have any man in this town, and you know it.” It’s true. Jenny is beautiful and funny and kind. She carries herself with an easy confidence and nothing seems to shake her.
“Believe me, I’m well aware that my mother is just waiting for the day when she can tell all of her friends that I’m single and looking, so that they can tell all of their sons the same thing.”
“You’re too good for ‘em all anyways.”
“Damn straight.” Jenny finishes her beer and slams it down. “Now, tell me why the hell Nate left if you two were starting something?”
“He finished his community service. And he wants to go back to competing.”
“So? Neither of those things explain why he’s gone.”
“Get me another drink and maybe I’ll tell you.”
“You know, Nate was right. You really are a Viper sometimes,” Jenny grumbles. But she gets up and heads to the bar, waving Ronda down. When she returns with the drinks, I see that she’s also brought a couple of shots.
“I thought a little liquid courage might help.”
“I’ll pass,” I say.
Jenny shrugs and does one by herself, shooting it like a pro. And then she just sits there and stares at me. She doesn’t ask me anything else, just stares, her eyes boring into my skull, demanding that I share with her.
“Ugh, fine. You win. “
“Yes!”
“Chill out. I don’t want this to be a whole thing,” I mutter. Then, I give her the cliff notes version of the conversation I had with Nathan, ending with the fact that he admitted he couldn’t give me the stability I so badly crave. “So there you have it. That’s it. It just wasn’t the right timing, I guess. Or the right person. But I’m ready to move on, and move forward, and take what I learned with Nathan and?—”
“Are you for fucking real right now, Candice?” Jenny asks, her eyes swirling with anger.
“Yes?”
“You seriously think you’re going to find someone else who can compare to what you and Nate had? You really think that’s possible? Because I don’t. I watched the two of you together and he made you happy , something that’s been a rare thing these last two years. And you made him happy back, for what it’s worth. You fixed whatever was wrong with that broken cowboy and made him come alive. But you’re fine with just throwing that all away?”
I reel back, immediately livid at Jenny’s accusation. “Were you not listening to anything I just said? Nathan is going back to his old life. He’s not going to be around, and I’m not going to put effort into a relationship that is bound to fail.”
“So you’re scared!” Jenny points a finger at me, her face flushed. “Admit it. You’re scared!”
“Yes! Okay, yes. I am scared.” I hear my own voice cracking and I can’t hold back the tears. “Why shouldn’t I be scared, Jenny? I’ve lost so many people already and I can’t take it anymore. I’m so sick of grieving, and the thought of grieving a relationship with Nathan makes me feel hollow and worn out.”
Jenny reaches over and grabs my hand. “I know, sweetie. I know. It’s a lot. And we just lost Storm, so I’m sure you’re feeling worse because of that.”
I nod. “It reminds me of my grandparents. It’s not exactly the same, but every time we lose a horse, part of me feels like I’m back there, waiting at Grammy’s bedside, hoping she’ll pull through. I can’t put myself through that again, not right now. This way is easier.”
Jenny looks down at her beer and frowns.
“What?” I ask. “I can tell when you want to say something. Don’t hold your tongue now.”
“Prove it, then,” she says, crossing her arms.
“What?”
“If this way is easier, then prove it. If you really were using Nate for practice, so that you could have the confidence to be with someone else, then go find a man to flirt with and prove to me that this is easier, and that this is really what you want.”
“Every man in here is gay,” I say.
“Not true. Will Tanner is here and he’s single and straight. Plus he brought his brother, who is straight as well, if a little stupid. Go flirt with one of them.”
“Fine.”
I agree, because Jenny’s challenge makes sense. If I really want to move on from Nathan then I need to put some of the practice I had with him to work. I get up from the table, taking my drink with me, and do my best to saunter and swing my hips as I walk over to where Will and his brother Garret are standing by the pool table.
“Hey you two,” I say, giving them a smile.
Will turns to look at me and smiles, and Garret gives me a blank look like he doesn’t even recognize me. Mind you, I went to school with both of them from the age of five.
“Hey Candice, how are you doing?” Will asks.
And my brain instantly freezes.
How am I doing?
Horrible. Sad. Sick to my stomach with grief.
But I know enough about flirting to know that I can’t say any of those things. So instead I say, “Uh, fine. You know, not the best but uh, fine. Fine-ish. A-okay.”
“Okay,” Will says slowly, clearly unsure of why I came over here in the first place. Beside him Garret has completely tuned out of the conversation and is glued to his phone.
“How are you doing?” I manage to get out.
“Great, actually. Why don’t you let me buy you a drink?” Will asks.
My brain freezes again. Buying me a drink means he actually wants to talk to me for longer. It means my pathetic attempts at flirting are working. But instead of feeling proud of myself for successfully approaching a man, a rising tide of panic wells inside of me instead.
I realize that I really, really don’t want to flirt with Will.
“I have to go,” I mumble, and then I high-tail it out of there, and head back to where Jenny is sitting.
“Well?” she says as I sit down and slump in my seat.
“He wanted to buy me a drink, but I just—I just think it’s too soon. I’ll practice flirting with men next month or something.”
As if a month will be long enough to get over Nathan fucking Booth. I bite back a manic laugh at the idea. I’m sure I’ll be ninety and in a nursing home and I’ll still remember the press of his hips against mine. The brush of his lips against my temple.
I’m so deeply fucked.
Jenny swirls her drink around and stares at it pensively. “Can you at least admit to me that letting Nate go like this really isn’t that much easier?” she asks after a beat. “Sure, you’re less attached, but you’re still sad, and Nate’s still gone. You’ve lost him already anyways.”
I don’t say anything, because my mind catches on the phrase less attached. If this is what being less attached to Nathan Booth feels like, then I definitely don’t want to know what it’s like to fall even harder for him.
“I’ll take some of that liquid courage now,” I say, and Jenny silently passes me a shot.
It burns on the way down and doesn’t make me feel a damn bit better.