CHAPTER 37 Moving Forward
The funeral was held the following day. Services began at the church in Meryton, then the gentlemen proceeded to the gravesite.
The casket was carried by Darcy, Bingley, Mr. Gardiner, Mr. Philips and Sir William Lucas.
Also in attendance were Richard, the earl and other gentlemen of the neighbourhood.
The day was overcast and cold, which was not uncommon in the spring.
Elizabeth stood in the distance, following the progress of the men as they made their way up the hill to the graveyard.
Her mother and the other ladies waited at Longbourn, while Caroline Bingley travelled with her maid to London.
She watched as the coffin was lowered into the ground, then heard the vicar speak.
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me…
She cried and the wind blew. Her father, her childhood, were slipping away.
Soon she would no longer live here; would no longer walk these paths, apple in one hand and book in the other, only to find a lovely place to sit and read of an afternoon.
She would never again sit in her father’s library and discuss books with him.
She would never again hear him laugh at the follies of their neighbours.
She would never again see him at his desk, spectacles perched on the bridge of his nose, smiling into a text and sipping a glass of sherry.
She would never be teased by him again, nor hear him tease her sisters and mother.
She had lost one man, almost at the same time as she gained another.
One, a symbol of her youth, and the other a symbol of her womanhood.
She could not go back and would not even allow herself to lament over it.
Her father would not have wanted it. Be off with you now, Lizzy, he would have said.
And so she would. Her tears fell, and it began to rain.
She saw the men disperse, though one of them separated from the group and walked towards her.
Darcy.
“Elizabeth. I should have known you would be here.” He handed her a handkerchief, removed his coat and slipped it over her shoulders.
“I just wished to say goodbye to him.”
He nodded and they both looked up the hill. Minutes went by and the rain fell a little harder.
“Shall we go?” he asked gently, some time later.
She turned to him with a half smile. “Yes, let us go.”
He took her hand and they began to walk towards the waiting carriage.
“Are you well, Elizabeth?”
“I am,” she answered. “I have said my farewells and believe I can move forward from here.”
They arrived at the carriage and Darcy assisted her in.
She looked at his face in profile as the carriage began to move. It suddenly occurred to her that he had also lost a father at a young age and wondered what it had been like for him. “You were two and twenty, were you not, when your father passed?”
“I was.”
“Only a year older than I am now,” she murmured.
“Yes.”
She held out her hand and he crossed to the seat beside her. “Would you like to speak of it?”
He looked out the window and stared at the falling rain. “It was also raining on the day of my father’s funeral.”
Elizabeth squeezed his hand and hoped it would encourage him to continue. When he spoke again his voice was devoid of expression.
“We were at Pemberley - Richard, Uncle Henry, my Cousin Alex and other members of my family. I felt I had to be…dignified, that I had to appear…responsible. And so I said very little, thinking that, if I spoke too much, the university student in me would somehow make its way out.”
Elizabeth nodded. “Lady Matlock mentioned that you were at Cambridge when your feather died.”
“I was. They’d sent an express rider who found me at a local tavern, drinking ale with a few of my friends.
” He smiled. “We had just taken an examination and were out celebrating. I was presented with a note from Mrs. Reynolds, the housekeeper at Pemberley, telling me that my father had been in a riding accident. I recall how the room suddenly became dissonant, and how the sounds of my friends’ voices suddenly jarred my ears.
I left everything behind and arranged for someone else to forward my belongings to Pemberley.
Somehow I knew that I would not be going back.
Graduation took place only a week later.
I received my diploma but never attended it.
In truth, I would not have wished to anyway, because I would have had no parents there to be proud of me. ”
“Oh…my darling,” said Elizabeth, not quite able to suppress the anguish in her voice.
She pulled him towards herself and pressed his head against her shoulder. She felt his shaking sobs and held him closer. She knew not what to say and so remained silent, only occasionally kissing the side of his head, as she might a child.
Eventually he pulled back, pressed his palms to his eyes and looked at her. “I apologise for…”
“Do not apologise to me,” said Elizabeth, interrupting him. She smiled pensively. “For are we not one and the same? You may tell me anything, for it shall be my place now to care for you. Please, Darcy, tell me you understand this.”
He was quiet for some moments before eventually responding, “Yes, Elizabeth, I understand. Although it will take some getting used to…”
“I know it will, for you have been alone for so long. But you must get used to being cared for now - by me.” Now she squeezed his hand. “Keeping that in mind, will you share more with me about what happened at your father’s funeral?”
Darcy nodded and continued, “I sat in my father’s study that day, and stared at his estate journals.
I thought about my friends in Cambridge and wondered what they might be doing.
I sat there for more than an hour. The day was already dark but it grew even darker.
There was no fire in the grate, and I could not even see anything.
“I kept thinking to myself, ‘What shall I do?’ ‘Who shall I turn to when the difficult decisions arise?’ ‘And how shall I ever manage to care for Georgiana who is only ten?’”
He stopped speaking and for a while she only held him.
“I cannot even imagine,” she whispered, “how difficult it must have been.”
“That was why I felt so guilty when, years later, I allowed Wickham to impose on Georgiana. I had always tried not to step the wrong way, not to make any grave errors in judgement where my responsibilities were concerned. And yet, despite all of my efforts, it happened anyway. That was actually what was occupying my mind on the night of the Meryton Assembly, when I insulted you so abominably.”
Elizabeth nodded wistfully. “I believe I understand everything more clearly now.”
Rain pelted down on the carriage rooftop.
“I have never shared this with anyone,” said Darcy. “To be honest, I always believed that I had to be impervious, that if I ever let the armour slip, then everything would weaken and fall apart. Do you think it was wrong to think this way?”
She shook her head. “How can it have been when it was what allowed you to endure those difficult times?” She drew his hand to her lips and kissed it. “And yet,” she continued, “do you not think that your armour, as it were, has made life rather lonely?”
“Perhaps…probably.”
“So…do you think you might share things with me again - things that distress you, or things you are not certain of?”
“I do not know,” he said slowly. “Wouldn’t you rather that I protected you?”
“Hmmm,” she said with mock concentration. “But would that not be selfish of me?”
“But is it not what you expect from the man you marry?”
“No!” she cried, now pulling back and looking him square in the eye.
“Is that what you expect from the woman you marry? To simply do everything for her and never have her do anything for you? Because if it is, then you have chosen the wrong woman. You must stop thinking of yourself as the sole guardian of those you love. It is not good for you and it is certainly not good for me.”
Darcy blinked, appearing confused. “So what, then? Should I involve you with tenant disputes? Georgiana’s insecurities? Keeping peace with my sometimes contentious relatives?”
“Yes! To all of it. If you have doubts, pray, tell them to me. And if I haven’t any idea as to what to do, then I shall admit it.” She looked at him reprovingly. “Perhaps…if you had sought advice in the case of Bingley, for example, then you would not have pushed him in the wrong direction.”
He winced. “Yes, I suppose you have a point.”
She sighed and looked affectionately at him.
“I do admire you, Darcy. More than any man I know, or have ever known. You are intelligent, have lived in the world and have had many more experiences than I. And I shall be happy to share my troubles with you. But you must now feel free to share yours with me. I think…you will be happier if you do.”
He gazed at her for quite some time, as if various important thoughts were warring for dominance in his brain. But she hoped that she could somehow get him to change.
At length, his expression softened and he said, “And would it make you happy if I did that?”
“And is my happiness the only way I can convince you to share your concerns with me?”
He laughed. “Perhaps not but…it is likely the most effective way of convincing me.”
“Very well, then, Darcy. It would make me happy for you to share your troubles with me. Even if these troubles may distress me initially, I believe that both you and I will be happier if you did.”
“Well then, I suppose I will.”
She grinned. “Do you promise?”
“Yes, Elizabeth. I promise.”