Chapter 19
CAL
Cal Nolen rarely lost his temper, but when he did, it always took him a while to find it again.
In this case, it was days. One day was how long it took him to realize it was himself he was angry with, not April.
It had been easy to lash out at the nearest warm body when he couldn’t tolerate the self-judgment his own subconscious was handing to him.
Why had he yelled at her for his own mistake?
Owen was his son, not hers. Of course, it was nice to have a second pair of eyes on the boy, but in the end, Owen was Cal’s responsibility.
Blaming anyone else for his own failure was just a way to soothe his own shame.
Once he realized he was angry at himself, it took another two days to figure out why.
Was he really upset that he had taken his eyes off Owen for one second?
Was that such an unforgivable crime? Or was he upset that he had trusted someone else to watch his son, that he’d ignored the advice he’d given himself over the years and actually trusted another person?
But that didn’t seem right either. Plenty of parents hired babysitters, took their kids to daycare, and sent their kids to school.
There was no crime in trusting another person for an hour or two, and he’d only done it for a minute.
No, he hadn’t been angry that he looked away for a second, and he hadn’t been angry that he trusted someone else for a minute.
What he was angry with himself over was the fact that he’d fallen in love with someone else.
Since the death of his wife, he’d convinced himself that he would never love someone that way again.
There was one person for everyone, Cal thought, and he had convinced himself he’d found his one and only in Owen’s mother.
When she was gone, he knew that would be it.
He’d never find anyone like her again, so he would never love anyone like her again.
What he hadn’t accounted for was the fact that he would fall in love in a completely different way with a completely different woman.
It felt like he was cheating at life somehow, like he’d found a loophole and exploited it, like his wife was looking down on him, shaking her head.
But that wasn’t like her really, and he knew it.
It was still only him, judging himself for no good reason, feeling ashamed for no good reason.
Throwing away what could have been a life-changing relationship over a guilt that wasn’t even valid.
Because Cal’s first wife would have wanted her son to have a good mother, even after she was gone.
She wouldn’t have wanted the boy to live alone in the mountains the way he was.
And she wouldn’t have wanted Cal to stop living his life.
Cal sat on his front porch before Owen was awake and watched the trees appear to glow in the light of the rising sun. It was beautiful here, but it was too quiet. He hadn’t noticed until April had stopped visiting… until he had stopped inviting her to visit.
A small hand on his shoulder startled him out of his thoughts. “Dad?”
He turned to see Owen standing behind him, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. “Good morning, chief,” he said. “Are you ready for breakfast?”
Owen nodded, and Cal stood to follow him inside.
“Pancakes this morning?” Cal asked.
Again, Owen nodded. He’d been less vocal over the last couple days, and it worried Cal.
“Are you feeling a little sick?” Cal asked.
Owen shook his head. Then, as Cal began mixing pancake batter and pouring circles onto the cast-iron griddle, Owen said the words Cal was dreading but expecting, deep down. “When is April going to visit? Doesn’t she like us anymore?”
Cal’s heart sank because he realized that Owen’s apparent sickness was really depression. Owen was grieving the loss of his friend, the woman he’d chosen for his new mother. And he didn’t understand why she was lost. “It’s my fault she isn’t visiting,” Cal admitted. “I haven’t invited her.”
“But why?” The boy was miserable, and Cal’s heart broke at the sight of it.
“Because I got scared again.” Right now, more than anything, Cal understood the importance of honesty. He flipped the pancakes and sighed.
Owen’s voice fell so far when he said, “That’s OK,” that Cal knew it was the opposite of OK.
As soon as the pancakes were finished, Cal put the butter and syrup on the table with a glass of orange juice for his son.
Then he sat across from him and watched the poor kid try to eat while clearly feeling like the world was sinking with him still in it.
Eating while depressed was always something Cal struggled to do. So, Owen came by it honestly.
All Cal wanted to do was fix it. He wanted to fix everything for himself and his son.
It would be humiliating, he knew—all of it—but he would swallow his pride and do what needed to be done.
“I shouldn’t have gotten angry with Nurse April,” he said.
“I was so scared that you had disappeared, and I was angry with myself. Sometimes, when we’re really, really angry, we don’t know where to put it.
So, we put it in the wrong place, on the wrong person.
I should not have gotten angry with her.
” He paused and took a deep breath. “I love her. The truth is, falling in love is a scary thing to do. You’ll learn that when you get older.
But it’s also the best feeling in the world. And you should have a mother, too.”
Owen lifted his head and looked up with hope in his eyes. That was a great start. “Really?”
“I messed up,” Cal admitted. “And then I got scared to admit I messed up. What if I tell her I’m sorry, but she still doesn’t want to visit anymore?”
“Tell me first,” Owen said. “You have to practice before you ride the big rides.”
Cal couldn’t help smiling at that. April had taught his son some truly valuable lessons that the boy would hopefully take with him as he grew up. “You’re right, Owen. I messed up with you, too, and I want to do better, and I’m so sorry.”
“I forgive you,” Owen said in the most magnanimous voice he could manage through a mouthful of pancakes. Cal chose not to correct him this time. “Nurse April will forgive you, too. I know.”
“Do you?” Cal said with a laugh.
Owen nodded. “Yes. She’s nice, and she likes us.”
“I hope you’re right,” Cal said. “But remember that she’s allowed to reject us. And if she does, I will get you a whole banana split, and I won’t even make you give me a bite. Deal?”
“OK,” Owen said. “Can we go today?”
Cal’s first instinct was to try to delay. But then he asked himself why that was his instinct, and he realized he was only giving in to fear again. “Yes. We’ll go talk to her today.”
“Yay!” Owen leapt up in his chair and poked the air with his fork.
“Finish your breakfast, chief. It’s going to be a long day.”
Owen immediately sat back down and stuffed more pancake into his mouth.
His appetite seemed to have fully returned, and Cal was glad he’d accurately diagnosed the problem.
It felt good to have a plan to make things right.
Even if it didn’t work out in his favor, Cal decided, he was going to try.
That was all anyone could really do in life anyway, wasn’t it?
Try. Be brave, as Owen would say. Do everything you can and accept whatever comes your way.
Cal’s stomach was in knots, but he pushed on despite his anxiety. This was the right thing to do. He knew that, and Owen’s excitement confirmed it every few minutes. “Are we there yet?” he would ask, which made Cal chuckle.
“Soon, chief,” he would answer. “We don’t want to get a speeding ticket on the way.”
And Owen would pout for a while before forgetting he was upset and pointing out random things outside his window. “Do you think I should bring flowers?” Cal mused.
“Only if they’re big,” Owen said. “Really, really big. Because you have to say a really, really big sorry.”
The boy made sense. “OK. We’re taking a bit of a detour.”
Cal took a turn and headed to the local flower shop.
It was a shop he’d been in before, family owned, many years old.
This shop was one of those memories he usually tried to avoid, and yes, it was painful to him even now.
But he breathed deep and focused on Owen, who was going around the shop, rating each bouquet by the size of its flowers.
He finally settled on a huge bundle of sunflowers.
“If you want those,” Cal told him, “you’re going to carry them. ”
“I don’t mind,” he said.
So Cal bought the flowers, and he watched his son hold that giant bouquet and try to see around it on their way out of the shop.
Then, something funny happened. The image of Owen with those flowers blocking his view was burned into Cal’s brain.
He realized that every time he drove by this flower shop, he’d think of today and that image.
He still had his old memories, but this new one would be included, too. And it made him feel happy and proud.
It occurred to him that by avoiding Summit Falls altogether, he was sentencing the town to exist forever in his unhappy memories.
He was preserving that grief perfectly and not allowing it to be infected by newer, happier memories.
He was inadvertently ensuring that he would associate the town with grief and nothing else.
It had only taken a little push from April to change that.
And she’d taken a risk pushing him, too.
She’d risked his getting angry or distant, which he’d done. She deserved so much better.
“OK,” Cal said, once Owen was buckled into the truck.
“We’re going to her apartment, and you’re going to stand in the doorway with the bouquet.
When she opens it, I’ll surprise her and tell her I’m sorry.
” It was a good plan. Owen looked so cute with his giant bouquet that there was no chance she’d close the door in his face, no matter how angry or hurt she might be.
That would give Cal the time he needed to sincerely apologize.
It was the perfect plan, but when Owen knocked on the door, no one answered. There was no chance she was so angry with Cal that she would refuse to speak to Owen, was there? “I don’t think she’s in there,” Owen said, pointing around his sunflowers to the door.
“You’re right.” Cal gestured for Owen to follow him. “She’s probably at work. Should we go there? Would it be too much?”
“We got the flowers,” Owen said. “We have to give them to her.”
The boy made an excellent point. “OK, let’s go.”
They drove to the urgent care clinic, another place that once triggered unpleasant memories, Cal realized. And now, every time he saw it, he would think of April.
The clinic wasn’t busy, which was good. Cal explained himself to the person at the front counter.
Just then, Nathan emerged from the back area, probably to call a patient to a room.
He took one look at Cal and Owen and pointed.
“It’s you!” His eyes darted from the sunflowers back to Cal’s face. “I hope you’re here to apologize.”
Cal narrowed his eyes. “No, this is an I’m-still-mad-at-you bouquet.”
Nathan picked up on his sarcasm and gestured for him to follow. “You can wait in the lounge area,” he said. “Only this once, though. Because I’m not gonna be the guy that thwarts a big, romantic gesture.” Then he leaned in and said, “That is what this is supposed to be, right?”
“The biggest,” Owen answered on Cal’s behalf.
Cal had to shrug. “The biggest one we could manage in a hurry,” he said.
“Fine,” Nathan said. “I’ll send her in for something. Get ready.”
After Nathan left, Cal positioned Owen in the middle of the room and told him he was doing an amazing job.
Then he hid himself behind the door and waited.
Before long, April came into the room. Though she didn’t leave the door open to hide Cal, her attention was immediately taken by the adorable boy with the huge bouquet of sunflowers in the middle of the room.
“What’s this?” she asked.
Owen answered, “A big romantic gesture.” He repeated what he had heard Nathan say. Cal doubted he knew exactly what it meant, but he at least understood the spirit of the thing. “These are for you.” He held the sunflowers up and waited until she took them.
“Oh my gosh!” she said. “Thank you so much, Owen. But where’s your dad?”
Cal stepped closer and answered, “He’s right behind you.”
April jumped and spun to face him. “Oh!”
He thought it best to speak quickly before she had the chance to worry about what he was doing there.
“I made a huge mistake,” he said, as she hugged the sunflowers to her chest. “I got angry with myself, and I took it out on someone else. I said horrible things to a person who’d done nothing wrong, someone who had given me a push in the right direction.
” He sighed and swallowed his pride completely.
“I was an idiot. I’ve been an idiot for way too long.
I was hoping… maybe you’d give an idiot one more chance to be smarter. ”
Her face lit up at that, and she handed him her bouquet so she could throw her arms around his neck and hold him tight. “Of course I will,” she said.
“I shouldn’t have said what I did.” He squeezed her with one arm before finally letting her go. “You would make any kid the very best kind of mother, and Owen would be lucky to have you in his life.” He laughed. “He’s been telling me so nonstop since the festival.”
“Aww, Owen.” She crouched down and gave the boy a big hug. “I love you, too, kid. I’d be just as lucky to have you in my life. Thank you so much for being the most awesome person I’ve ever met.”
“You’re welcome,” Owen said, not yet old enough to understand the concept of humility.
“So…” Cal cleared his throat. “Will you go out with me again? Over and over, I mean. I want to spend as much time with you as possible. You change everything in my life for the better.”
“And mine!” Owen added, though once again, Cal was doubtful he fully understood what he was saying. But it didn’t matter. April’s eyes were welling up, and Cal knew she’d already forgiven him.