Chapter 9
CHAPTER 9
Ezra
Monday was about being in tune with their own bodies, going deeper inside to understand themselves. Wednesday was about going inside the mind for a deeper look, with a journal entry to turn in. Friday was about going deeper into their spiritual self–I didn’t mean religiously. What settles them? Brings them peace? Feels safe? Soothes those deep traumatic places?
When we reviewed the week, some of the submissives admitted it was a tough week. Others were grateful for not having to worry about small things like what to wear each day, because they were busy getting to know other elements about themselves they were unfamiliar with. Renee was quiet for most of the class, speaking only when we did a roundtable check in with each person.
“I’ve done a lot of work over the last six months to make sure I was a better version of myself. In this week alone, I’ve seen my therapist three times because I was unsettled by not knowing simple things about myself. It made me realize how much I’ve allowed the wrong people to nurture my habits. I truly love dancing, and I’ve denied myself doing so because it brought back bad feelings affiliated with my mother. She’s not even alive, and she was still controlling my life. Dancing this week has made me feel so refreshed and energized. I don’t want to make it weird, but I wanted to thank you, Professor, for allowing me that small bit of joy.”
A few of the girls clapped to help celebrate her accomplishment. Others nodded in agreement, having had their own epiphanies.
“Same. Between the lectures and assignments, even the assigned partner, I’ve learned so much this week,” Elara chimed in. “I didn’t think this class was going to be like this.”
“Me either.” A few replied with similar statements.
“I’m glad you’re all learning something and that you don’t hate me too much.”
“The jury is still out.” Renee looked at me.
I chuckled because I knew why she was saying it. She was horny as hell, and I still hadn’t given in to us having sex yet. She’d been on edge since Tuesday night at our sleepover. She’d tried to win me over by talking about her pending period, but blood didn’t scare me. Neither did her pleas for release via text. She’d only seen me in class and we didn’t have any plans for the weekend… yet. I hadn’t told her, but I had a date planned for this evening. So her coded message was funny in multiple ways to me and the others had no idea. Their partners weren’t public information, so nobody knew we were paired. It wouldn’t stop any rumors about us dating, though. I wouldn’t hide that and didn’t expect her to either.
The entire world would know it. Eventually, I planned to make her mine. No questions asked. In time, she’d be all that mattered. I wanted her to be sure, without the doubts and wavering trust issues. She needed more time, and I had the patience of a determined man. She’d surrender in due time.
Tick-tock. Tick-tock. Tick… tock.
When I got back to my apartment, I hurried to handle the rest of my schedule before I met Renee at Leroy’s Place down in Porter’s Corner. When I arrived, I was seated by Roxanne, a woman who appeared to be in her sixties. She was polite but didn’t offer me more than normal pleasantries. She sat me at a booth toward the back and I waited for Renee to arrive. It didn’t take long before she was happily strolling my way down the aisle. She kissed me quickly and then told me she’d be back as she had to go to the bathroom. I picked up the menu and busied myself with looking it over until she came back. When she returned, I didn’t put the menu down right away.
“I think I’m going to have the ribs and mashed potatoes with corn. What do you think?” I put the menu down to see that the woman who was sitting opposite of me wasn’t Renee. “What are you doing here, Tammy?” What the fuck was she doing here?
“I was tired of talking to your assistant instead of you,” she said when I glared at her.
“So you came to where I was working? What, did you follow me? How does this help you with anything? Because we went from me ignoring you, to me being cordial enough to give us a go between, and now you’re trying to force my hand by coming here?”
“I have an appointment to get my tubes untied,” she blurted. “Ezra, I love you and though you’ve seemed to have moved on”—she gestured at the second menu on the table with her head—“I haven’t.”
“I didn’t lie to you, so it makes sense you don’t feel negatively toward me. You… did. Every day for three years you lied inside our relationship. Outside of it, the years that lead up to us being together, you lied then, too. You said you understood what having children meant to me. You deliberately made your future match mine so you could get everything you wanted with no fucking care about how selfish it was to me. So, excuse me if I’ve moved on to trying to find somebody who really does match up to me.”
“Will you ever forgive me?” she asked. Tears filled her eyes, and I remembered a time when the sight of them would have turned me into a broken man. Only the tears shed after a release were welcomed as a result of me.
“No.” I shrugged. “I can’t forgive those kinds of lies.”
“Why are you being so cruel? I don’t understand,” she cried.
Roxanne came back to the table to take our order. When she saw Tammy there, she squinted. “Did you need a menu, too, dear?”
Somebody cleared their throat from behind Roxanne, and I closed my eyes. Tammy had the worst fucking timing to pop back up. The days before today, we could have had this conversation, and she could have left without a trace. Today, I’d asked Renee to dinner so we could spend the evening together. I didn’t want anything Tammy had to say or do around the good things brewing between Renee and myself.
“Aren’t you going to introduce us?” Tammy asked.
“No need. Understand one thing though, we’re done. I don’t want you back and there is no chance of us rekindling what we had.”
“She can’t have you wrapped around her finger to the point where I mean nothing to you, Ezra.”
“No, she doesn’t.” I leaned close to her to make sure she heard every word I was about to say. “We can’t get back together because you made it so. You can excuse yourself now.”
I wanted to be far away from this restaurant right now. She’d sullied it with her bullshit. Roxanne stepped out of the way to let Renee through.
“Is everything okay?” She smiled.
“No, but it will be,” I said to her as she walked around Roxanne.
“Okay.”
“He’s going to treat you like shit!” Tammy spat as she stood up, not glancing at Renee. She quickly exited the booth, not daring to turn around.
“Tammy?” Renee asked as she recognized her.
Tammy whipped around quickly. “Renee? You’re fucking Renee McMillian!”
“Whoa,” Renee said, stepping back. “Why so hostile?”
“Darlin’, you’re going to have to go. I don’t allow this kind of drama here.” Roxanne said.
“I knew you wanted him, though you’d never admit it. Always wanting whatever belonged to me.” Tammy said, ignoring the request.
“Are you sure about that? You’re the one who stole my cheerleading scholarship because you couldn’t handle me getting it over you.” Renee retorted.
“Is that what they told you? They simply chose the better person.”
“Lies. You never wanted to cheerlead after high school. There was no need to apply or try out. You did it because you were jealous. And about Ezra, you knew I had a crush on him. I told you before you said that one day you were going to do whatever it took to make him yours. So I think you have your facts wrong. You want everything I have.”
“Tammy, she told you to go.” I sighed. She was fucking up my night and Renee looked like she was going to clock her at any given moment. I didn’t want to get put out of the only restaurant for miles.
“I was leaving. This bitch is the one who called out to me! Did you really come here for a job offer or did you come stalking this psychotic bitch? You know she’s fucking unstable and cuts herself, right? You know, y’all deserve one another. Neither of you gave a fuck about me.” Tammy turned around to walk away and before I could blink, Renee was running toward her.
I grabbed her before she reached Tammy and spun her around in the opposite direction.
“Did you just try to sucker punch me?” Tammy asked, now turning toward us.
“Fucking leave!” I spat at Tammy.
Instead of going in the direction back to our booth, I turned and pulled Renee into the bathroom while she was still trying to get to Tammy. I slammed the door and locked it.
Renee stormed into the stall and slammed the door. There was a knock on the front door, and I ignored it. Tammy wasn’t the woman I was concerned about. The one I needed was locked in the cubicle having her moment.
When she didn’t come out or say anything to me, I exited the bathroom, ignoring the looks being shot my way. I apologized to Roxanne for the disturbance and went to the booth. Sitting there, I waited for Renee to come out. Regardless of when she came out, we needed to talk. I’d be here when she surfaced, not only because I was starving, but I needed to make sure she was okay.
An hour later, the door opened, and Renee walked out of the bathroom. I’d gotten up to check on her and heard her crying and talking to someone on the phone. I gave her privacy and ordered mozzarella sticks to tide me over, watching basketball on the small tv in the corner until she appeared.
“Hey.” I sat up and gestured for her to come over to me.
“I think I should go, Ezra. I need time alone.” She sighed. Her eyes were puffy, and she sniffled between words.
“You don’t look like you need time alone. You need to be held.”
“I can’t be cuddled with you right now.”
“Why, because Tammy’s tantrum got to you? That’s what we’re not about to let her do.”
“What?”
“Win. We’re doing our own thing and you’re not going to let her influence your actions and neither am I. You know, the only reason I wanted to leave the restaurant was to go for a walk so the place could air out from the stench of her audacity. This is my date and nobody should have the power to disturb my peace in it with you. It took you being in the bathroom for me to realize that, but I did. Don’t tell me all the thoughts in your head added up to the conclusion you should flee the crime scene.”
“I used to love Tammy. I thought she was the best friend in the world. She was the one person I could confide in. For her to air my dirty laundry out to the world because she’s upset only confirms that she really wasn’t my friend.”
“Wait, so that was true?”
“Yes.” Renee wiped a tear from the corner of her eye. “I know you probably don’t want to be around me now that you know, and I’m fine with that.”
“Did the person on the phone put that in your head, or did you?” I asked, wanting the truth.
“Were you listening to my conversation?” She put her hands on her hips, ready to put me in my place. It was sexy as fuck.
“No, I came to the door to check on you. When I heard you talking to someone, I left you to what you were doing.”
“I was talking to my therapist, so no, she wasn’t encouraging me to leave. Quite the opposite.”
“Meaning?”
“That I should sit down and talk to you about what you heard and let you form your own opinion of me.”
“How long has she been your therapist?”
“Six months.”
“Is she helpful?”
“Extremely.”
“Good. Then now isn’t the time to stop listening to her.” I patted the spot in the booth next to me. “Let’s talk.”
Renee sighed. “This isn’t what I came here for. I came for dinner and then you told me you’d take me back to your place to teach me how to make your famous grilled cheese.”
“And we will get to that.”
Renee rolled her eyes and sat next to me. She’d pay for that infraction later. I dropped an arm around her and pulled her closer.
“Tell me your story.”
She told me about her mother and father, the pressure of cheerleading, and having lots of poor decisions, also known as boyfriends. We ordered lots of food and talked while we ate.
“Cutting was a way to relieve the pressure. In college, I met Sampson, and we were drawn together. Turns out we were both going through some of the biggest struggles of our lives at the same time. We became best friends, and he made me promise to stop cutting myself. He also made me promise that the next time I felt like hurting myself, I’d call him first. I made that dreadful call to him six months ago, and it was the best decision I’ve ever made. It brought me here. I’m surrounded by people who understand most of my issues. I learned that there are healthy ways to cope. It’s why I signed up for your class. To help me make better decisions and to explore who I am.”
“Am I disturbing your journey?” I asked her. “I can wait to date you. You’re more than worth it. I’m not going anywhere. You can come into whoever you were meant to be, and then I can claim you as your reward.”
Renee giggled. “I think you misunderstand how that works. You getting to claim me is the reward for waiting.”
“Meh. I’m winning regardless.”
“Ezra two points. Renee three.”
“Damn! That was only worth three quarters of a point?”
“It’s tough out here,” she joked.
“Yeah”—I kissed her lips—“it is.”
“What happened between the two of you?” she asked.
“I thought we weren’t talking about our pasts,” I teased her.
“I know. Dumb rule.”
“You didn’t want to know about Tammy because you were jealous and hurt by her actions.”
“Jealous?” she scoffed.
“Yes. Scholarship.”
“Fine. I didn’t like that the two of you were messing around, either.”
“Okay. Are we talking about the past or not?” I asked her to confirm.
“Go ahead.” She sighed.
“Since I was younger, I’ve always wanted children. Tammy knew that and lied about wanting them.”
“She had an implant put in while we were in high school. She definitely didn’t want any accidental children. She hated kids. How did you not know that?” Renee asked.
“She showed me a different side of her. We went as far as getting tested because we couldn’t conceive. That’s how I found out that she had her tubes tied and had been on birth control all this time.”
“Ouch. That’s harsh. As somebody who really, really wants children, I understand how that must’ve felt. I’d be severely hurt if I couldn’t have babies.”
“You don’t have to say that if you really don’t want them.”
“You wish. I want all the babies.” She giggled. “I’ll have to show you the book I have filled with baby name combinations.”
“You will.” I stared into her eyes, and they shone brighter than they had been when she walked out of the bathroom.
“So she lied to us both.”
“She did,” I confirmed. “The important part is that we are truthful to one another. Anything else I should know?”
“That I tried to commit suicide six months ago.”
“I figured that’s what you meant. Anything else?”
“No.”
“All right. Let’s go get this grilled cheese made.”
“Now?”
“Mhm. Right now.”
“Yes, Sir.”
And that was the right damn answer.