21. 21
21
Hettie
B o steps away from me. “I…”
“I thought…” I hesitate because I’ve never told anyone this, not even Abigail. “I thought if I left, you’d come after me. I thought you’d come find me, that we’d be okay.”
I don’t realize I’m crying until my cheeks start to get very cold.
“But you didn’t,” I manage. “Leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.” I’m here, standing in front of Bo after so long and there’s no room for secrets. “I didn’t want to go. It was the last, the very last thing I wanted, but you shut down after the queen died. You weren’t my Bo anymore, and I didn’t know what to do to get you back. It hurt too much to watch you collapse on yourself. That might make me selfish—”
“No, you’re right,” Bo admits. He swallows, his gaze fixed on a point over my head. “I wasn’t… me. I couldn’t… I wouldn’t have been able to come and bring you home, even if I’d thought you wanted me to.”
“I did.” Bo shuts his eyes at my whispered admission. “But I thought…”
“And I thought…” He shakes his head, his blue eyes focused on me again. “We made a mess of this, didn’t we? ”
I nod sadly. “Maybe. But we were young.”
“Stupid?”
“Do you think it was stupid to get married?”
“No,” Bo says quickly. “Marrying you was my dream and those two days together were the happiest of my life.”
My heart does one of those squeezes again. “And then it went wrong. Losing your mother…”
Bo closes up. I can see it happen—his face tightens and his entire body stiffens like he’s put up a wall between us. And that was why I left in the first place. After the funeral, he barely spoke. Wouldn’t look at me. Spent all of his time in the forest.
His family let him go because they were grieving on their own, everyone concerned with how Lyra was handling it because she had been in the car with her mother.
No one knew about Bo’s guilt, how he blamed himself.
My heart breaks for him, but I’m not letting this wall stand. “Talk to me,” I say, trying for gentle and stern. “It wasn’t your fault. You need to believe that.”
“Haven’t been able to yet. And look what happened.”
“Things can change.”
He shrugs and turns back to the castle. “But I’ve already lost you.”
The desolation in his voice stops me from following him. I let him go because I can’t tell him I still love him, that maybe I never stopped.
I don’t know what to do.
The specter of Timothy hovers to the side, reminding me I gave a promise to a good man, and I will only hurt Bo if I give him false hope .
Even if I tell him I still have feelings for him, what good will that do? What would it change? My life has moved to Victoria—far away from my family.
That was the reason we got married without telling anyone. I had two brothers in prison, and a third who was a constant fixture in the town bars until they would throw him out for fighting. On paper, Hank looked legitimate, but Mabel had long ago relayed the rumours—that his garage was both a chop shop for stolen cars and a front for drug dealing.
Even in a country as small and beautiful as Laandia, there is crime, and my brothers seem to be always part of it.
My family —a few of my cousins are career criminals and I had an aunt who killed her husband with a cleaver. My grandmother lived on the street.
Even if I told Bo I still loved him, why would he want me when I come from that?
I stay outside as long as I can feel my toes, walking along the edge of the trees to the cliffs overlooking the sea. There’s a bench, so clearly, this is a good thinking spot.
With all of my thinking, I don’t seem to be able to make any decisions. I just come up with more questions.
It is a relief that Bo didn’t replace me as soon as I left. That the love we shared didn’t vanish—might still be there .
But then I circle back to my family and what the king must think of them. He said I was now a member of his family, but what does that mean?
It means my daughter will be seen as a princess, as soon as Bo admits his paternity.
Things will change when that happens.
I’ve no doubt Bo will want to do that as soon as he drums up the courage to face a reporter. He always hated talking to the press.
Tema will have to do that now for the rest of her life. The Laandian royal family has never been hounded like other monarchies, but there has always been interest because of King Magnus’s popularity.
Prince Bo and his love child.
Secret marriage kept from the world.
Prince Bo’s new family wants to overthrow the Laandian monarchy.
I can picture the headlines now.
Maybe it would be best to take Tema and go back to Victoria, pretending we never made the trip. I can convince Bo to give me a divorce—maybe he could visit once a year to stay in Tema’s life.
That would be better for Tema. For the royal family not to have to deal with my family. Bo wouldn’t have to deal with the press, the constant questions and finding the right words. That would be best for him.
But what would be the best for me?