31. 31
31
Hettie
A fter I leave Mabel, I go for a walk along the pier before I call for a car to take me back to the castle, just like Bo and Spencer told me to.
It might take a while to get used to that.
But it doesn’t take long at all for me to feel the old dread and frustration when I think of my family.
Eight years of not worrying about them, of not being hurt by their actions. Of not meeting people and wondering if they’re judging me because of my brothers. If they think I’m just like them, only in a prettier package.
If I stayed in Battle Harbour, I could see Mabel all the time.
If I stayed, I’d have to deal with my brother Reggie.
Not that I ever had much to do with him. Mabel kept the worst of it from me. I know he burnt down the McKibbons’ barn, and set fire to a dumpster outside the high school.
There was a rumour about him stealing from Clay Whiskey, one of the fishermen that my father knows. Bar fights, street fights. I think he tried to steal a car once, but I blame my brother Hank for that.
Mabel says I don’t make it easy on myself, but I learned that from my family. Reggie had opportunities, as much as the rest of us did, and he chose crime. Same as my brother Lloyd, who let his temper get the best of him. I’m sure there are other reasons to kill a man, but Lloyd did it because he was mad and drunk.
Mabel kept herself out of trouble—for the most part. Same as Earl. Tommy got out and Hank… Hank probably has a finger in most of the criminal activity between here and Mary’s Harbour but at least he keeps it quiet.
Reggie was smart and funny, always teasing and cracking jokes. He had options and wasted them all.
And I have to pay for it.
I wouldn’t if I went back to Victoria.
My life in Victoria is many things: difficult, lonely, freeing, fun at times. It would have been a very different story if Abigail hadn’t come with me; it also would have been very different if I hadn’t discovered I was pregnant six weeks later.
Having my grandfather there was a lifesaver since we lived with him for the first two years, but he’s an introverted artist preoccupied with colours and landscapes from Laandia. He helped financially but didn’t do anything for a social life.
I’ve loved being away from the shadow of my family, but is that worth being away from my home? And keeping Abigail from her family? I told her so many times that Tema and I would be fine, but either she doesn’t believe me or the ties that keep us together are as strong for her as they are for me.
If Abigail had moved home, I might have followed her.
But I would only be running away, same as before. Then, I thought it would be too hard to keep seeing Bo, so I left. And now? Will it be too difficult to deal with Reggie and his eventual troubles? Should I leave again ?
I don’t think so. Maybe that was me eight years ago, but I’m different now. I’ve changed, and there’s no sense hiding from my family or the press—or how I feel about Bo.
Because I do feel about Bo. I feel a lot.
He lights up something inside of me, like a pilot light that’s been dormant for years. He sees me, sees all of me. All the good and all the bad. Bo always said he loves me and doesn’t care about my family, and he proved it by marrying me.
What would happen if I finally believed that?
Or if I stopped caring what anyone else thought about them? Because I am not my family. I’m not my brothers, or my mother, or my uncle who can’t keep his mouth shut even when he doesn’t have a clue what he’s talking about.
I am me—a mother. The mother of a princess, the third in line to the throne of Laandia.
I’m a wife. And because of that, I’m a princess in my own right.
I’m a lot of other things, but they are the most important at this moment.
I walk the length of the pier twice before I pull out my phone.
But I don’t call Abigail to check how things are going.
“Hey!” Timothy smiles as soon as he sees me on the screen. “It looks cold there.”
The wind skips across the water, creating waves that crash into the pier. Occasionally I get splashed, but I keep walking. I’m wearing Lyra’s jacket that is much warmer than the one I brought with me, and I pulled on a toque when I got to the water.
“It’s March, so it’s still pretty cold, but today, you can kind of feel that spring is coming.”
Timothy frowns. “Your nose is really red, so it doesn’t look like there’s much spring there yet. We’ve already got flowers out here.”
“I know.” British Columbia is a beautiful place to live. It has the water and the mountains, and Victoria has a small-town vibe despite being the capital. It’s been a good place to run to, but—
“You’re just the person I was thinking about,” Timothy says.
“Yeah?” For a moment, my heart gives a squeeze and I wonder if I’m doing the right thing.
“Yeah. I got a new listing and I think it’s perfect for you. A two-bedroom condo in West Van overlooking the water. There’s a school nearby—”
“Vancouver?” The squeezing of my heart stops abruptly. “I don’t want to move to Vancouver.”
“We talked about how it would be better for my career to get off the island,” he reminds me.
“ You talked.”
Timothy’s eyes flash with surprise. I’ve never disagreed with him.
Why not? I was happy with Bo and I argued with him all the time. Maybe Abigail’s right about what I’m like with Timothy.
“I like Victoria,” I continue before he can say anything. “Abigail is so close to the school she works at and Tema has her friends. I have friends there.”
I have two—an older woman who works in the office that I take breaks with and another mother I met through Tema’s school.
“You can make more friends,” Timothy points out. “It would be so much better for me in Vancouver. And Abigail isn’t planning on living with us after we get married, is she?” Timothy laughs like it’s all a joke. Like separating from my best friend would be an easy thing to do.
He laughs like I want to move in with him. Like I want to marry him.
A huge wave crashes against the pier, splashing icy cold water against my jeans, and the front of Lyra’s jacket. I jump back.
That might have been the wake-up call that I needed.
Because I don’t think I ever have wanted to marry Timothy. Not really.
If I did, this wouldn’t be so difficult—I would have showed up with divorce papers and a custody arrangement for Bo. I wouldn’t be dithering about if I still had feelings for Bo. If I wanted to truly have a life with Timothy, I would be having it already.
Bo would be part of my past, and I wouldn’t be wondering where he fits into my future.
Another wave crashes, but it misses me.
“Hettie?” Timothy finally realizes I’m not laughing. “Abigail’s not going to live with us, is she? I mean, I like her and everything, but after we get married, I’d like some time for the two of us. But maybe she can stay close by, watch Tema for us so we can do newly married people stuff. Doesn’t that sound nice? Give you a bit of a break.”
“Timothy…”
“What? You have to admit…” He continues on with the reasons we would need our privacy, but I tune him out because all I hear is Timothy planning things without Tema.
He said he’d take care of her, but he never said he wanted to .
Timothy has never given Tema a bath or asked to help put her to bed. And while not all men are hands-on fathers, he has never once asked about my daughter since I’ve been gone.
“I don’t think I want to marry you,” I whisper.
But Timothy doesn’t hear me and keeps going on about the benefits of making a move.
I have to agree with him there because maybe I was just looking for an excuse to come back. And Timothy gave me a great excuse.
“Timothy,” I interrupt. “I need to say something.”
“Yes, but this place—” Something in my expression finally manages to silence him, and he heaves a sigh. “Really?”
“I think maybe—”
“You’re staying with the prince, aren’t you?”
The fact that he doesn’t even let me say it really irks. “I don’t know if I’m staying with Bo, but I think it’s best that I stay here . In Laandia. With my family.”
“You hate your family,” he counters.
“Well, maybe it’s time that I stop feeling that way.”
“You tell me you’re staying for your family while the prince is putting you up in a castle? Don’t tell me that’s not the reason.” For the first time since I’ve met him, Timothy sounds angry.
And for a moment, I want him to be angry because it’s a sign that he cares.
But the anger is quick to fade from his eyes, leaving resignation, and it happens too fast for my liking. “Listen, Hettie, you figure things out. You need to do what’s best for you, and I’ll do the same. I thought we would be good for each other—I could help you with your career and you can help with my business—but I can see that’s not going to be enough for you. ”
“It’s not enough for anyone,” I burst out. “Do you even love me?”
“Of course I love you.”
“Are you in love with me? Because there’s a difference.”
“No, there’s not.”
“And that’s the reason right there why I’m not going to marry you. And I’m definitely not moving to West Vancouver. I’m staying right here in Battle Harbour.”
“Good luck, then.” And Timothy hangs up.
He didn’t even bother to fight for me. That stings.
But not enough.