Chapter 15
This is the second time someone I’ve gotten close to, someone I was falling for, has chosen another girl. First Dean, now
Finn.
It’s me. There’s something wrong with me.
I’m broken or unlovable. Or maybe just annoying?
I don’t know. All I know is it’s me. Since I’m dipping into self-destructive thought loops already, I grab my phone.
Screw my summer resolution not to look at any of my social media.
There’s only one way to get the image of Finn looking right
through me out of my head. Only one way to stop seeing perfect Beatrice beside him.
I sit down on my bed with my girl dinner of cheese, crackers, and fruit, and reload Instagram and TikTok back onto my phone.
Like a little scavenger, I immediately begin poring over everything I’ve missed.
I start out with Dean. So far, he’s been on a fishing trip with his guy friends, and he’s celebrated his dad’s fiftieth birthday.
I stare at his familiar dark hair and bright blue eyes and wait for the pain of loss to wash over me.
But it never comes. I don’t feel anything when I look at him now.
Somewhere, between tearfully confronting him about cheating and where I am now, I got over him.
But at the moment, I want to pour vinegar in my wounds and looking through Dean’s posts isn’t doing it, so I move on to Gigi’s.
Painstakingly, I go through every single picture and caption she’s posted, every TikTok she’s made. The first thing I notice
is that Dean isn’t in any of her content. Not even in the background. There are photos of her with her volleyball friends
out for ice cream, selfies of a new hairstyle she’s trying out. A few videos of her dog are scattered here and there. Dean
is nowhere. I put cheese on a cracker and bite into it angrily. Yes, I’m getting crumbs in my bed, and no, I don’t care. Because
if Gigi and Dean weren’t even going to be together once I was out of the way, what was even the point of them sneaking around
for the better part of a year? Was it just for the thrill? If they didn’t have real feelings for each other, why couldn’t
they have chosen someone else to sneak around with? Why do the one thing that would hurt me the most?
I scroll through every post again to see if I missed something.
The only thing I seemed to have glazed over is that Gigi looks happy.
Really happy. The realization sends a wave of miserable nausea through me so intense that for a moment, I’m sure I’m going to throw up.
I push my plate away and put my head between my knees, waiting for the nausea to pass.
The betrayal was painful enough. The easy way she’s moved on without me is excruciating.
She was supposed to visit me in Scotland this summer.
We were going to meet up every other weekend once we were in college.
After getting our degrees, we planned to get an apartment and decorate it together and, dammit, she was supposed to be my best friend for life, and she threw that all away just so she could screw my boyfriend again and again and again.
I can’t be in this cottage anymore. I can’t breathe in here. I need to do something that makes me feel free. I need to run
or to scream or to . . .
I know exactly what I need to do.
I put on a pair of boots, throw my hair in a ponytail, and walk out the door, leaving my plate and phone on my bed. The speed
with which I’m walking makes my muscles stretch and ache; perspiration forms down my back and between my breasts, but I don’t
slow down. I can’t.
I reach the stables. The staff who look after the horses seem to have left for the evening, so I go straight to Rosie’s stall.
Seeming to sense my arrival, she sticks her neck out and whickers. “Hi, there,” I say, scratching her behind the ears. “What
do you say, girl? Feel like going for a ride?”
Then I hesitate. Saying the words aloud makes it clear how foolish I’m being. I have no idea what I’m doing. I could get hurt. I could get fired. I don’t think a summer job in the gift shop entitles you to the royal family’s horses. But then again, I’ve played it safe
my whole life and what has it gotten me?
I lead Rosie into the crossties, run a brush over her coat, and then saddle her like Finn showed me.
Finn.
Picturing him in here brings back the way he made me feel when we kissed last night, and I suddenly miss him with a fierceness
he doesn’t deserve. But I’m confident I know how to put a saddle on this special horse, and I’m ready to ride, to leave my
life behind, even for just a moment.
The bridle is trickier—there are a lot more straps and buckles, to say nothing of the bit—but because Rosie is my equine soulmate,
she opens her mouth without me having to do the finger thing, and I manage to slip the bridle over her head.
By the time we make it outside, there are dark clouds overhead and they’re moving in fast. But I don’t care. All that matters
is riding away from here until I’m too tired to think about Gigi and Dean and everything I’ve lost.
“You and me, girl,” I tell Rosie. “We’re going to get out of here for a bit. Who needs backstabbing best friends and princes we knew would break our heart, right? We’ve got each other.”
She seems to snuffle in agreement as I lead her around to the mounting block. And like the perfect creature that she is, she
stands stock-still as I climb the steps and awkwardly clamber into the saddle.
“Be good to me, will you?” I whisper as I take up the reins. My heart’s still pounding, but I no longer feel scared. I feel
powerful, and it’s about damn time.
I squeeze her sides with my calves and she starts walking. As I feel more comfortable, I encourage her to speed up until she’s
trotting. My mind begins to clear. I murmur to her, thanking her for behaving so well and taking such good care of me. We
head down to the meadow path and follow what I think is the same route that Finn and I took. But I’m paying more attention
to my posting than I am to the scenery, and suddenly, we’re in the woods. Except that it looks different than it did before.
Is that just because of the clouds? Or because I took a wrong turn somewhere?
We’re no longer on a trail, I realize. We’re just trotting randomly through the trees.
I pull on the reins and Rosie slows to a walk. It’s going to be okay. I just need to get my bearings. But because we’ve left
the trail, I can’t just turn around and backtrack. I have no idea which way we came from.
As I twist around in the saddle, scanning the woods for something I recognize, the first drops of rain hit me.
Everything looks the same. The sky darkens, the rain comes down harder, and I’m turning in circles.
“It’s okay,” I reassure myself as much as I’m reassuring Rosie. My wobbling voice betrays me. “We can figure this out.”
The sky opens up and pours down on us like sheets, and suddenly I can’t see anything at all.